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Inneedofadvice

Re-added saving my relationship of five years

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Inneedofadvice

Tbh I initially deleted this bc I felt nervous putting it up or no one would see it. I’m just reading it bc I know I need help and not to ignore it

 

 

Hello. I’m not even sure where to start. Maybe some background?

 

My partner is asexual and I’m not. But when our relationship started they were the one who expressed sexual interest in me and initiated the start of our sexual relationship. This led to us trying sex together and really enjoying it. 

 

We were having frequent sex for months and they always expressed sexual interest. But somewhere close to the 1 year mark that changed drastically 

 

I hadn’t really understood much about asexuality bc I was fresh out of high school and sheltered but during this I really thought “oh so they don’t feel sexual attraction but they do with me I guess!” 

 

I’m not sure if it was just that they had their fill of something new and satisfied sexual exploration but after this it stopped almost completely. We wouldn’t have sex for 3-4. months at a time. This impacted me a LOT bc at the time I thought they were already tired of me and my body. After being constantly desired this was a sudden abrupt and hurtful change bc I had gotten so used to that connection already.

 

Talks happened and I came to recognize that they just don’t want it much anymore and I came to be more okay with that rap after they explained asexuality a bit more in depth for me. After all I still loved being with them very much. What could a lack of sex really do is what I thought to myself. I just have to push through that and be respectful.  They still wanted to make out and kiss and hold each other all the time and honestly that felt satisfactory enough after they explained to me it wasn’t me they just didn’t want to as much anymore. Eventually they also became tired of makeouts as well so our intimacy is usually light face kisses and cuddling and I still was okay with that even if I wanted more.

 

Eventually tho  I can’t believe I’m this dumb but I thought since they didn’t have a sex drive to do much with me or even make out that masturabtion was also off the table.

 

Like a month ago I learned  that they masturbate when I go to bed. And like more frequently then I thought. 

 

I literally felt devastated and so hurt bc I couldn’t believe they were turning to that instead of me.

 

But then I have read a lot of really good helpful threads on here that helped me a lot and explained how different masturbation and sex urges are and how it’s just a bodily function and not really equated with desire. More like an itch to scratch. This curved pretty much all of my hurt knowing in debt about how involving another person in that is just not wanted and it has nothing to do with love. 

 

But tbh it’s been about a month since then and I feel like I just broke and can’t pick myself back up again and I like I didn’t actually fully accept it. I feel like there’s something wrong with me.

 

I just feel so like disconnected and ugly. I try to push t down but after I learned about the masturbation thing I still get really deep feelings of self hate bc even if it’s just a bodily function they’re looking at other random girls and strangers to get off to. They don’t even ask me for nudes or anything and im really still affected by this and idk how to stop. 

 

Idk why but sex is a lot more emotional for me then I thought. Sometimes I feel so desperate for it that I honestly get extremely worried I’m like Addicted? Why am I so obsessed with it when we don’t even have it that much. I just feel so... close to them when we do. And it feels like an act of love that’s really important to me but I don’t want it to be.  I find myself missing it.I just feel so untouched and unwanted.  But I don’t want to feel that way.

 

I feel even more devastated now bc they’re the best thing to happen to me and I still feel that way after 4 and a half years. We are so different in a lot of ways but I am completely in love with them. They make everything shine for me and while we have had to work a lot on our relationship it still feels all worth it. I’d do anything for my peach.

 

So I am more then disgusted that I can’t put away this obsession with sex the back of my head has and I don’t want to link sex to validation and love anymore. I’m even taking medication for some mood issues I think I have in case my harping on this so much is a result of my mental health mood disorder. And it worked for a while but suddenly it stopped working again and I can’t stop thinking about it again.

 

Somebody PLEASE help me. I don’t care if the words are harsh and trash me. I don’t care if the advice is tough and not pleasant. I just want a way to fix myself. I want to be better but I seriously don’t know how, I’ve been self reflecting and googling for 2 weeks.

 

I can’t lose them. I feel like if I continue like this they’ll find out that I’m really upset about it and I can’t have that happen bc I don’t want them feeling responsible bc I know it’s my problem to deal with not theirs. And please be careful with advice about compromise bc I firmly believe asexual people shouldn’t have to compromise anything in terms of sex. I’m the one who has problems with it and needs to deal with it I’m just struggling to find out how. We’ve already talked a lot and I feel like I shouldn’t discuss this more with them anymore bc at this point I’m rehashing the same need for verbal validation all the time that they still love me and that’s not fair to them. The conversation doesn’t really have anywhere left to go when it’s stuck at my issues of insecurity and needs. 

 

Tips on learning to deal with this yourself? Is there a way to reflect these feelings into something more positive? Is this something I should see a counselor or doctor for?

 

Sex outside of the relationship isn’t really something I can do either. I know that would bug them bc they don’t like double standard relationships where one person can do something and the other cannot as they think it’s just too complicated of a relationship dynamic for them. And I also feel like they’re the only one I really WANT to make love to. I’ve never really felt much sexual urge until after our relationship bc before then I was very content to be single and masturbating all the time. I don’t feel compelled to have sex unless I’m really close with a person for some reason. It’s honestly just them I want but I need to drop that bc if they don’t want it a lot I don’t want to be feeling this all the time.

 

Throw anything at me I can take it. I will say I don’t really want to consider breaking up mostly bc I feel like it would be absolutely stupid to break up with them just bc I can’t stop feeling  that way for them. That feels disrespectful to the whole relationship 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Inneedofadvice

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CajunAce

Yay!!!

 

best post ever!

 

10/10

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Laurann
22 minutes ago, CajunAce said:

Yay!!!

 

best post ever!

 

10/10

Just making sure, this may come across as sarcastic, and I don't think it was intended to, right? 

 

Because it's good that you found your answer @Inneedofadvice. I read your post, and wasn't sure what kind of advice to give you.

 

(To people reading this now that the post is back up, I wrote this post because the original post was deleted and replaced with something like 'never mind, I found my answer'. Just so everyone's clear on what's going on :) )

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Grimalkin

Okay. So.

 

6 minutes ago, Inneedofadvice said:

I try to push t down but after I learned about the masturbation thing I still get really deep feelings of self hate bc even if it’s just a bodily function they’re looking at other random girls and strangers to get off to. They don’t even ask me for nudes or anything and im really still affected by this and idk how to stop. 

This one I can understand why you're upset. It's one thing to be told masturbation is an itch to scratch for asexual people (true), but I could see it being gutting to hear that they will get off to other people, and not to you. 

 

Sometimes asexual people can only become aroused by/get off to things that are more abstract, like people they don't know. I would suggest talking to your partner about the fact that this makes you insecure, and putting forth the idea of creating nudes for them. See what they say. 

 

9 minutes ago, Inneedofadvice said:

So I am more then disgusted that I can’t put away this obsession with sex the back of my head has and I don’t want to link sex to validation and love anymore.

Now let's nip this in the bud. You don't have an obsession with sex. You are a perfectly healthy sexual person. While I am grateful you did your research regarding asexual people and asexual relationships, consuming a lot of asexual material at once can sometimes make people with normal sex drives feel like they're the ones who are too sex-focused. It's especially common for women, who sometimes feel that they should innately have less of a sex drive than men. 

 

For the great majority of the world, sex is a wonderfully fulfilling, loving, validating thing. It's natural to feel its absence. 

 

13 minutes ago, Inneedofadvice said:

I will say I don’t really want to consider breaking up mostly bc I feel like it would be absolutely stupid to break up with them just bc Of sex. That feels disrespectful to the whole relationship. I just want to be a good person and have healthier thoughts.

Let me tell you right now, as an asexual person: Sexual compatibility is very important in relationships, whether that means lots of sex, no sex, or any amount in between. Sexual incompatibility is one of the biggest causes of breakups and divorces, and it's not because the people that break up over it are "bad" people. They're just missing an important part of a relationship for them. 

 

For most sexual people, sex is important in a relationship and that's okay. It's okay to feel hurt or rejected when a partner doesn't want to engage in it. Sex for most people is a lovely bonding experience; countless studies have shown how healthy it is. 

 

A lot of asexual people begin a relationship in a sexual way because they confuse the new relationship energy and desire to be close to the person with sexual attraction. As such, sex will happen frequently in the beginning, and then decline over the course of the relationship. It never comes back. Your partner will most likely never want to have sex again, and you will have to decide if you're okay with that. Yes, you've been together for five years, but this is the rest of your life that we're talking about. 

 

19 minutes ago, Inneedofadvice said:

And please be careful with advice about compromise bc I firmly believe asexual people shouldn’t have to compromise anything in terms of sex. I’m the one who has problems with it and needs to deal with it I’m just struggling to find out how. We’ve already talked a lot and I feel like I shouldn’t discuss this more with them anymore bc at this point I’m rehashing the same need for verbal validation all the time that they still love me and that’s not fair to them.

Of course it's true that no one should have to have sex if they don't want to. That said, there's no compromising going on, so instead you're the one doing all the sacrificing here. This relationship started out sexual, sex was implied to be a regular part of it, and now that it's gone you're left feeling lonely and that's reasonable.

 

On the contrary, you should keep talking about all this, even if it's "bothering" them. Not to pressure them into sex, but because the pair of you need to decide what's sustainable long-term. Your partner should be aware of your feelings of rejection and hurt. I know I wouldn't want my partner to hide that from me, not ever.

 

24 minutes ago, Inneedofadvice said:

Throw anything at me I can take it.

Here's my harsher words: Stand up for yourself. You're so concerned about tiptoeing around your partner because you are a good person, but you're also being a bit of a doormat. You are 50% of this relationship, and your needs matter just as much as theirs. 

 

I know you're scared of losing this person, but what's equally as scary is living the rest of your life in a relationship where you're constantly hurting but also terrified to bring it up for fear of hurting them. Share the hurt. You may not want to break up, but the both of you need to be working together as a team to figure this out if you want to stay together. 

 

27 minutes ago, Inneedofadvice said:

The conversation doesn’t really have anywhere left to go when it’s stuck at my issues of insecurity and needs

You've done all this research to understand asexuality and the needs of your partner-- what have they done to help you with yours? You've reached an impasse because you've compromised on all your partner's needs, but the two of you haven't addressed yours. Just because you desire sex-- which is not the gross, "base," low-brow stuff that society sometimes teaches us-- doesn't mean your needs are inherently worth less than theirs. 

 

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Inneedofadvice
15 minutes ago, Laurann said:

Just making sure, this may come across as sarcastic, and I don't think it was intended to, right? 

 

Because it's good that you found your answer @Inneedofadvice. I read your post, and wasn't sure what kind of advice to give you.

It didn’t come off sarcastic at all. Tbh I put that and took it all out bc I felt I was being dumb posting this on a forum but since people are replying i our it back up. Thank u for being so genuine tho about being happy I found it ❤️ I’m just nervous bc this is my first time on a forum

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Inneedofadvice
20 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

Okay. So.

 

This one I can understand why you're upset. It's one thing to be told masturbation is an itch to scratch for asexual people (true), but I could see it being gutting to hear that they will get off to other people, and not to you. 

 

Sometimes asexual people can only become aroused by/get off to things that are more abstract, like people they don't know. I would suggest talking to your partner about the fact that this makes you insecure, and putting forth the idea of creating nudes for them. See what they say. 

 

Now let's nip this in the bud. You don't have an obsession with sex. You are a perfectly healthy sexual person. While I am grateful you did your research regarding asexual people and asexual relationships, consuming a lot of asexual material at once can sometimes make people with normal sex drives feel like they're the ones who are too sex-focused. It's especially common for women, who sometimes feel that they should innately have less of a sex drive than men. 

 

For the great majority of the world, sex is a wonderfully fulfilling, loving, validating thing. It's natural to feel its absence. 

 

Let me tell you right now, as an asexual person: Sexual compatibility is very important in relationships, whether that means lots of sex, no sex, or any amount in between. Sexual incompatibility is one of the biggest causes of breakups and divorces, and it's not because the people that break up over it are "bad" people. They're just missing an important part of a relationship for them. 

 

For most sexual people, sex is important in a relationship and that's okay. It's okay to feel hurt or rejected when a partner doesn't want to engage in it. Sex for most people is a lovely bonding experience; countless studies have shown how healthy it is. 

 

A lot of asexual people begin a relationship in a sexual way because they confuse the new relationship energy and desire to be close to the person with sexual attraction. As such, sex will happen frequently in the beginning, and then decline over the course of the relationship. It never comes back. Your partner will most likely never want to have sex again, and you will have to decide if you're okay with that. Yes, you've been together for five years, but this is the rest of your life that we're talking about. 

 

Of course it's true that no one should have to have sex if they don't want to. That said, there's no compromising going on, so instead you're the one doing all the sacrificing here. This relationship started out sexual, sex was implied to be a regular part of it, and now that it's gone you're left feeling lonely and that's reasonable.

 

On the contrary, you should keep talking about all this, even if it's "bothering" them. Not to pressure them into sex, but because the pair of you need to decide what's sustainable long-term. Your partner should be aware of your feelings of rejection and hurt. I know I wouldn't want my partner to hide that from me, not ever.

 

Here's my harsher words: Stand up for yourself. You're so concerned about tiptoeing around your partner because you are a good person, but you're also being a bit of a doormat. You are 50% of this relationship, and your needs matter just as much as theirs. 

 

I know you're scared of losing this person, but what's equally as scary is living the rest of your life in a relationship where you're constantly hurting but also terrified to bring it up for fear of hurting them. Share the hurt. You may not want to break up, but the both of you need to be working together as a team to figure this out if you want to stay together. 

 

You've done all this research to understand asexuality and the needs of your partner-- what have they done to help you with yours? You've reached an impasse because you've compromised on all your partner's needs, but the two of you haven't addressed yours. Just because you desire sex-- which is not the gross, "base," low-brow stuff that society sometimes teaches us-- doesn't mean your needs are inherently worth less than theirs. 

 

Thank you so much for all of this. Tbh after looking up so much on asexuality I did start to feel like an actual monster for how much I was thinking about it.  And it honestly helps me a LOT that you told me about the confusing new relationship excitement with sexual desire bc it makes me feel a lot better about  that and even with all the looking into I did I couldn’t quite find an answer to something like this specifically. I’m going to carefully consider everything you wrote here and save it. I really appreciate your response and thank you so much for having the patience to look at all of this 

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MichaelTannock

I've moved this thread from "Questions about Asexuality" to "For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies".
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

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MichaelTannock

@Inneedofadvice Welcome to AVEN!
 
I hope you save your relationship.
I wish I had advice I can offer to help you do that.
I'm sorry that I don't.
 
Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Tree Lovers" cake (all edible),
http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/181848-my-tree-lovers-for-greece
dpafetknzkdntaxglzsn.jpg

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Inneedofadvice

It’s ok, I know it’s a lot packed into a question 😭 thank you so much for the kind words

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Grimalkin
2 hours ago, Inneedofadvice said:

And it honestly helps me a LOT that you told me about the confusing new relationship excitement with sexual desire bc it makes me feel a lot better about  that and even with all the looking into I did I couldn’t quite find an answer to something like this specifically.

Yeah, from personal experience, I'm always physically excited when I start a new relationship, but it tapers off once I get comfortable. Also from experience, I go into panic mode if I feel the relationship might be in danger and it temporarily makes me feel like I might be able to really be sexual, but it goes away again after the relationship stabilizes. Just a weird mix-up in my brain that confuses missing the person with missing the sex. 

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AnneBonny159

I'm sort of experiencing this from your partner's side right now. I will try to write some of my thoughts down to see if a different point of view can be useful, and edit my comment when I've thought it through. For now, all I'll say is this is probably hard for your partner, too. I am sure the last thing they want to do is hurt you, or make you feel unwanted. Sometimes sex just isn't something we can do to show our partners that we love them, but I'm sure there are other ways they try to express it.

I understand what a difficult situation this is for you, and I really wish you all the best ❤️ 

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Inneedofadvice
27 minutes ago, AnneBonny159 said:

I'm sort of experiencing this from your partner's side right now. I will try to write some of my thoughts down to see if a different point of view can be useful, and edit my comment when I've thought it through. For now, all I'll say is this is probably hard for your partner, too. I am sure the last thing they want to do is hurt you, or make you feel unwanted. Sometimes sex just isn't something we can do to show our partners that we love them, but I'm sure there are other ways they try to express it.

I understand what a difficult situation this is for you, and I really wish you all the best ❤️ 

You’re very correct. My peanut has expressed many times to me that they don’t want me to feel hurt or unwanted. They also constantly shower me with love hugs and praise. And I know they do love me I just am having a really hard time with my brain not being able to process that just bc they don’t want sex much and turn to porn and their own hands that that doesn’t mean that they secretly desire someone or something else that I cannot provide 😣  Whether it’s due to sole insecurity, problems with my mental health, or unhealthy ideas planted into my head from growing up its painful bc it’s so engrained it’s hard to see outside of that lens. It’s honestly less about them and more personal  :( thank you for providing your view bc it’s really nice to see someone else aside from my partner that also feels that way and makes it feel more common to me. I just want it to feel so normal to me that these doubts don’t show up so much. Thanks much for the kindness. If you do have more to add to your comment later I will definitely read it and take it in, thanks so much again.

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anisotrophic

It *is* totally gutting to have someone that initiated sex at the start, later be masturbating instead of being sexual with you.

 

1 hour ago, Inneedofadvice said:

just bc they don’t want sex much and turn to porn and their own hands that that doesn’t mean that they secretly desire someone or something else that I cannot provide

I appreciate that your partner identifies as asexual. But I would also say that asexuality is an orientation that exists independent of porn. It is not caused by porn: remove porn, and a person is still asexual. It's like an orientation, it's an intrinsic part of who they are – being gay is not caused by porn, and being asexual is not caused by porn.

On the other hand, porn *is* understood to cause a disconnect and lack of satisfaction with partnered sex. In addition, you've described them initially behaving in a sexual manner. 😕

 

I'll be honest here. If I were in your shoes, I would want to see my partner quit porn for an extended time – possibly indefinitely – to demonstrate that the rejection is actually asexuality. I wouldn't continue in a relationship where I was misled by initially sexual behavior, had the tables turned on me, and that rejection was potentially due to some "other explanation" of porn addiction. I'm not against porn in a universal way, but I personally wouldn't find it acceptable when it's combined with sexual rejection of me as a partner.

 

It's 100% normal for sex to be connected to love. I hope you never feel wrong for feeling that way. People have different "love languages"; this might not be their "love language", but it is yours.

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Serran

You are describing a perfectly healthy sexual PoV and connection to sex. You shouldn't be trying to make yourself ace anymore than your partner should try to make themselves sexual. You are who you are.

 

As for the porn... that would be the line for me. I couldn't be rejected and also know my partner was getting off to other people's images all the time. Don't want sex with me ? Fine, no sex and I can still be happy. But, if you want to stare at naked women and get turned on by them, I would need to be one of them... or just not gonna work for me. That's too much rejection for me to handle. Too much like choosing a stranger as better than me. 

 

You two just need to talk and figure out how to make it so you're both happy. Right now you're sacrificing and not compromising (compromise means more than ace has sex). 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
36 minutes ago, Serran said:

As for the porn... that would be the line for me. I couldn't be rejected and also know my partner was getting off to other people's images all the time. Don't want sex with me ? Fine, no sex and I can still be happy. But, if you want to stare at naked women and get turned on by them, I would need to be one of them... or just not gonna work for me. That's too much rejection for me to handle. Too much like choosing a stranger as better than me. 

 

I share this sentiment exactly. I could not (and would not) put up with that, it just doesn't seem fair at all :c

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Sithgroundhog
12 hours ago, Inneedofadvice said:

I feel like if I continue like this they’ll find out that I’m really upset about it and I can’t have that happen bc I don’t want them feeling responsible bc I know it’s my problem to deal with not theirs

But you are upset, and if your partner cares for you (which I can only assume they do) then they'll want to know. If you're in a relationship, your problems are now also there's. It's how it works. Putting the burden solely on yourself is not healthy.

 

12 hours ago, Inneedofadvice said:

And please be careful with advice about compromise bc I firmly believe asexual people shouldn’t have to compromise anything in terms of sex. I’m the one who has problems with it and needs to deal with it I’m just struggling to find out how.

Asexual people don't experience sexual attraction, and to many of us that means sexual desire. If left up to most of us, we'll never have sex. That's just how it works for us.

But that's now how it works for sexual people. Most sexual people need sex. It's not an obsession, it's not mental health problems, it's nature. They need sex and we don't. 

 

I firmly believe a compromise needs to be two people coming together to find a middle ground they can agree on. Why make only one partner bare the brunt of the sacrifice? You're just punishing yourself in the long run, especially if you haven't mutually decided on it being the best solution. 

My sexual bf and I agree that he would not be okay with no sex and that would be when our "open" relationship would possibly drop the quotation marks. He knows he needs sex, and while he's willing to put up with less from me, and he said he's even willing to try none from me as long as I'm not expecting him to be celibate. But I think that would be selfish of me. Why would I ignore his needs for my own comfort? 

 

13 hours ago, Inneedofadvice said:

We’ve already talked a lot and I feel like I shouldn’t discuss this more with them anymore bc at this point I’m rehashing the same need for verbal validation all the time that they still love me and that’s not fair to them.

If it's still a problem, keep talking about. I totally understand how you feel like you're beating a dead horse and just repeating the same old problems. I've been there. It was a terrible time, but my bf and I are through that now and we're still together. But if it's a problem, it needs to be addressed. 

 

13 hours ago, Inneedofadvice said:

I know that would bug them bc they don’t like double standard relationships where one person can do something and the other cannot as they think it’s just too complicated of a relationship dynamic for them.

I get the complicated dynamic thing, but let me explain how the "double standard" is kinda crap by explaining my own relationship.

We're "open". Meaning he can go and have sex with others as long as I know about it, he's being safe, and he doesn't make a big deal about it around me. It also means I can go out and have sex with whoever I want with basically the same restrictions, but why would I? It's not a double standard because even though we both can sleep with others and even though he's more likely, we're both free to do so.

 

 

 

So basically, talk to them about it. Share how you feel. Find a way that you can be sexually satisfied and they aren't pushed into having too much sex. Stop torturing yourself and treat them like the partner they should be after 5 years together. You're in this together, and that means sharing your burdens and troubles. 

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Inneedofadvice
5 hours ago, SithGirl said:

But you are upset, and if your partner cares for you (which I can only assume they do) then they'll want to know. If you're in a relationship, your problems are now also there's. It's how it works. Putting the burden solely on yourself is not healthy.

 

Asexual people don't experience sexual attraction, and to many of us that means sexual desire. If left up to most of us, we'll never have sex. That's just how it works for us.

But that's now how it works for sexual people. Most sexual people need sex. It's not an obsession, it's not mental health problems, it's nature. They need sex and we don't. 

 

I firmly believe a compromise needs to be two people coming together to find a middle ground they can agree on. Why make only one partner bare the brunt of the sacrifice? You're just punishing yourself in the long run, especially if you haven't mutually decided on it being the best solution. 

My sexual bf and I agree that he would not be okay with no sex and that would be when our "open" relationship would possibly drop the quotation marks. He knows he needs sex, and while he's willing to put up with less from me, and he said he's even willing to try none from me as long as I'm not expecting him to be celibate. But I think that would be selfish of me. Why would I ignore his needs for my own comfort? 

 

If it's still a problem, keep talking about. I totally understand how you feel like you're beating a dead horse and just repeating the same old problems. I've been there. It was a terrible time, but my bf and I are through that now and we're still together. But if it's a problem, it needs to be addressed. 

 

I get the complicated dynamic thing, but let me explain how the "double standard" is kinda crap by explaining my own relationship.

We're "open". Meaning he can go and have sex with others as long as I know about it, he's being safe, and he doesn't make a big deal about it around me. It also means I can go out and have sex with whoever I want with basically the same restrictions,

5 hours ago, SithGirl said:

But you are upset, and if your partner cares for you (which I can only assume they do) then they'll want to know. If you're in a relationship, your problems are now also there's. It's how it works. Putting the burden solely on yourself is not healthy.

 

Asexual people don't experience sexual attraction, and to many of us that means sexual desire. If left up to most of us, we'll never have sex. That's just how it works for us.

But that's now how it works for sexual people. Most sexual people need sex. It's not an obsession, it's not mental health problems, it's nature. They need sex and we don't. 

 

I firmly believe a compromise needs to be two people coming together to find a middle ground they can agree on. Why make only one partner bare the brunt of the sacrifice? You're just punishing yourself in the long run, especially if you haven't mutually decided on it being the best solution. 

My sexual bf and I agree that he would not be okay with no sex and that would be when our "open" relationship would possibly drop the quotation marks. He knows he needs sex, and while he's willing to put up with less from me, and he said he's even willing to try none from me as long as I'm not expecting him to be celibate. But I think that would be selfish of me. Why would I ignore his needs for my own comfort? 

 

If it's still a problem, keep talking about. I totally understand how you feel like you're beating a dead horse and just repeating the same old problems. I've been there. It was a terrible time, but my bf and I are through that now and we're still together. But if it's a problem, it needs to be addressed. 

 

I get the complicated dynamic thing, but let me explain how the "double standard" is kinda crap by explaining my own relationship.

We're "open". Meaning he can go and have sex with others as long as I know about it, he's being safe, and he doesn't make a big deal about it around me. It also means I can go out and have sex with whoever I want with basically the same restrictions, but why would I? It's not a double standard because even though we both can sleep with others and even though he's more likely, we're both free to do so.

 

 

 

So basically, talk to them about it. Share how you feel. Find a way that you can be sexually satisfied and they aren't pushed into having too much sex. Stop torturing yourself and treat them like the partner they should be after 5 years together. You're in this together, and that means sharing your burdens and troubles. 

but why would I? It's not a double standard because even though we both can sleep with others and even though he's more likely, we're both free to do so.

 

 

 

So basically, talk to them about it. Share how you feel. Find a way that you can be sexually satisfied and they aren't pushed into having too much sex. Stop torturing yourself and treat them like the partner they should be after 5 years together. You're in this together, and that means sharing your burdens and troubles. 

Addressing the open relationship thing- my problem is I would NOT be okay with them having the option to have sex with others. Even as a choice. If the only reason I’m seeking out another partner is for sexual needs that aren’t addressed in our relationship I would be HIGHLY pissed if my partner had this freedom and actuallly went to have sex with others when I have been willing and here the entire time and would not have made it open if it wasn’t for the fact sex wasn’t happening. That would literally mean they want to have sex with  other people often just not me which would lead to an immediate end. 

 

 

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Inneedofadvice
11 hours ago, Serran said:

You are describing a perfectly healthy sexual PoV and connection to sex. You shouldn't be trying to make yourself ace anymore than your partner should try to make themselves sexual. You are who you are.

 

As for the porn... that would be the line for me. I couldn't be rejected and also know my partner was getting off to other people's images all the time. Don't want sex with me ? Fine, no sex and I can still be happy. But, if you want to stare at naked women and get turned on by them, I would need to be one of them... or just not gonna work for me. That's too much rejection for me to handle. Too much like choosing a stranger as better than me. 

 

You two just need to talk and figure out how to make it so you're both happy. Right now you're sacrificing and not compromising (compromise means more than ace has sex). 

I’m sorry but i do have to say while the fact they do this without touching me is making me sad, even if we are not doing anything I don’t think it’s wrong for them to watch porn

 

Almost everyone does and I think it’s wrong to restrict somebody watching it because that’s just not realistic. My problem is I KNOW them watching porn and masturbating is a normal behavior and there are plenty more asexual people on here that I’ve seen talk about how they masturbate frequently but they don’t want sex. And plenty more who have the urge to get off but they need stimulation equivalent such as porn to get there bc they are so physically not into that shit they need something to help it along and get it over with. But they don’t want to go through the whole show of having sex and don’t have the energy for that. And I won’t make my partner feel bad about that. My main issue has been how to address this in a compromise if possible or finding a way to not let it bug me because this is a normal behavior and I shouldn’t be upset about it to the extent I am

 

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Sithgroundhog
20 minutes ago, Inneedofadvice said:

Addressing the open relationship thing- my problem is I would NOT be okay with them having the option to have sex with others. Even as a choice. If the only reason I’m seeking out another partner is for sexual needs that aren’t addressed in our relationship I would be HIGHLY pissed if my partner had this freedom and actually went to have sex with others when I have been willing and here the entire time and would not have made it open if it wasn’t for the fact sex wasn’t happening. That would literally mean they want to have sex with other people often just not me which would lead to an immediate end. 

Okay, I get that. 

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Inneedofadvice
12 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

It *is* totally gutting to have someone that initiated sex at the start, later be masturbating instead of being sexual with you.

 

I appreciate that your partner identifies as asexual. But I would also say that asexuality is an orientation that exists independent of porn. It is not caused by porn: remove porn, and a person is still asexual. It's like an orientation, it's an intrinsic part of who they are – being gay is not caused by porn, and being asexual is not caused by porn.

On the other hand, porn *is* understood to cause a disconnect and lack of satisfaction with partnered sex. In addition, you've described them initially behaving in a sexual manner. 😕

 

I'll be honest here. If I were in your shoes, I would want to see my partner quit porn for an extended time – possibly indefinitely – to demonstrate that the rejection is actually asexuality. I wouldn't continue in a relationship where I was misled by initially sexual behavior, had the tables turned on me, and that rejection was potentially due to some "other explanation" of porn addiction. I'm not against porn in a universal way, but I personally wouldn't find it acceptable when it's combined with sexual rejection of me as a partner.

 

It's 100% normal for sex to be connected to love. I hope you never feel wrong for feeling that way. People have different "love languages"; this might not be their "love language", but it is yours.

For this one- I don’t think it’s a result of porn or porn addiction tbh. My partner says they have always masturbated and it hasn’t increased or reduced much since activity with each other. I also know even in high school when they had more sexual urges it made them uncomfortable and they didn’t like it. And they have never had sex with other partners before me by choice and decided with me they were comfortable with it. Like I KNOW that if I suggested they might not be asexual because of porn they would be pissed. They have always been very firm lack of sexual activity is never a result of mastubation or porn and their resoluteness on this makes me feel asking them for this would be extremely uncomfortable for them.

 

thank you for being so reassuring about it being normal for sex and love to be connected.

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Inneedofadvice
13 hours ago, Serran said:

You are describing a perfectly healthy sexual PoV and connection to sex. You shouldn't be trying to make yourself ace anymore than your partner should try to make themselves sexual. You are who you are.

 

As for the porn... that would be the line for me. I couldn't be rejected and also know my partner was getting off to other people's images all the time. Don't want sex with me ? Fine, no sex and I can still be happy. But, if you want to stare at naked women and get turned on by them, I would need to be one of them... or just not gonna work for me. That's too much rejection for me to handle. Too much like choosing a stranger as better than me. 

 

You two just need to talk and figure out how to make it so you're both happy. Right now you're sacrificing and not compromising (compromise means more than ace has sex). 

Actually I just realized you’re the ones whose comment I read not long ago that said asexuals wanting to masturbate and still not wanting to have sex isn’t anything against the person. And that it’s just getting the urges out. I would assume if ppl are masturbating porn probably comes into image at some point. I’m kinda confused to see you say it would feel like rejection when you seem to have stated otherwise in another post

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Serran
5 hours ago, Inneedofadvice said:

Actually I just realized you’re the ones whose comment I read not long ago that said asexuals wanting to masturbate and still not wanting to have sex isn’t anything against the person. And that it’s just getting the urges out. I would assume if ppl are masturbating porn probably comes into image at some point. I’m kinda confused to see you say it would feel like rejection when you seem to have stated otherwise in another post

It is getting urges out and rarely means want sex but not with you, like it might with a more sexual person. But no, masturbating doesn't require porn. People masturbated long before porn was a thing, before internet porn was common and plenty still masturbate without it. I don't mind at all if my partner masturbates instead of coming to me, but if they need to look at a naked woman sexually to get off and I am not good for that but other people are... that feels a whole lot more personal than just not wanting sex or anything sexual from someone, since it is using someone for sexual pleasure (the naked woman) and not me. So that is my personal line. 

 

 

Also, some of my old posts I was IDing as ace (which I did for 5 years) so I didn't experience sexual rejection (since I didn't want sex). My current marriage is the only time I have ever desired sexual activity with a partner (developed sexual attraction to her at 30, never wanted anything before then). So, sexual rejection is a relatively new experience for me. But the above is the line for when I feel it. 

 

So basically for me :

 

No sex is fine

No sex and masturbating is fine

No sex and masturbating to my pics is fine

No sex and masturbating to someone else's naked body and not wanting mine at all... nope. Couldn't take it. 

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Serran

Also to add I didn't say you have to tell them to stop viewing porn. I just said it would be my line for what I could handle. Because no sex and porn would make it feel like a completely personal rejection.

 

Other words it makes sense you are hurt by it. Lots of people would be. 

 

What compromise you can reach will depend on you two. And that's just gonna take a lot of talking and figuring out how each of you feel in detail. Could be extra reassurance, intimacy in other ways, maybe erotica you write could aid them and they could write it to aid you and that could be your sexual intimacy. Who knows. 

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Memento1
On 11/19/2019 at 7:21 AM, Inneedofadvice said:

Addressing the open relationship thing- my problem is I would NOT be okay with them having the option to have sex with others. Even as a choice. If the only reason I’m seeking out another partner is for sexual needs that aren’t addressed in our relationship I would be HIGHLY pissed if my partner had this freedom and actually went to have sex with others when I have been willing and here the entire time and would not have made it open if it wasn’t for the fact sex wasn’t happening. That would literally mean they want to have sex with  other people often just not me which would lead to an immediate end. 

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I can see how rejected, misunderstood, ashamed, and unwanted you feel.  These are not incorrect emotions!  The emotions are completely natural and valid, and everyone feels them.  These emotions can pass - what won't pass is the judgements you make about them: that they're shameful, indecent, improper emotions.

 

Have you asked HIM how he feels about you having other sexual partners?  Just because you would not be okay with him doing it does not mean he would not be okay with you doing it.  That's projection, not a double standard.  What IS a double standard is him being free to have what he wants (no sex), and you not being free to have what you want (sex).  You don't even need to take up the offer and have outside sex.  Just knowing the door is open can bring incredible relief from feeling trapped.

 

I think couples counseling could help you two communicate better (caveat: a GOOD counselor who's focused on communication, not on "fixing" either of you individually).  It is not good communication to keep your feelings inside, and it would probably help if he could verbally clarify for you the difference between porn / masturbation and sex in his eyes.  Every asexual on this board can tell you that trying to change your attitude about sexuality in an effort to not hurt others doesn't work, it only makes things worse.

 

Blunt truth: The thing that will kill this relationship is not lack of sex, it's the hurt, guilt, shame, and anger that will fester if it's not healthily discussed.

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brbdogsonfire
On 11/19/2019 at 5:21 AM, Inneedofadvice said:

Addressing the open relationship thing- my problem is I would NOT be okay with them having the option to have sex with others. Even as a choice. If the only reason I’m seeking out another partner is for sexual needs that aren’t addressed in our relationship I would be HIGHLY pissed if my partner had this freedom and actuallly went to have sex with others when I have been willing and here the entire time and would not have made it open if it wasn’t for the fact sex wasn’t happening. That would literally mean they want to have sex with  other people often just not me which would lead to an immediate end. 

 

 

If you two agree to an open relationship and he actively wants others, but not you then there are issues at play besides asexuality here. Sithgirl is my partner and I am comfortable with her potentially finding and engaging with someone sexually so that she could experience it. She also doesn't withhold sex from me. The open relationship is something I have tried once and I disliked it, but it has acted like a pressure release valve that has killed my frustrations about low amounts of sex.

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