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frankiie

Sexless relationship-Lesbian

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frankiie

Hi all, 

I’m very new to any sort of online community but in serious need of some help and advice. 
I am going on 3 years of being with my beautiful girlfriend who I love so very very much. We have barely any sex. The beginning of the relationship was great, lots of sex lots of fun and she was very very into me. Now the interest is gone. 
We have just bought a house together and life is pretty fantastic for both of us. 
But our sex life is absolutely minimal. 
We have maybe had sex 4 times in 11 months, and most of the time I feel like she wasn’t emotionally there at all. 
Out of fear I don’t bring the topic of our relationship lacking intimacy up due to it always turning into and argument and in her words “this makes me want to sleep with you even less!” But I am beginning to feel like it’s just an excuse and another reason to push me further away. 
I love her and I know she loves me too, I love our life together. But I am beginning to fall out of love because the intimacy I crave with her is gone. She can’t understand why I crave this intimacy with her so much and it makes me so frustrated.
Am I selfish for feeling this way? 
How can I best bring this issue up with her to make her understand me better? How can I understand her better? 
Any help and advice would be appreciated. Thank you. 

Edited by frankiie

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Galactic Turtle

Hello @frankiie and welcome to AVEN! 

 

I'm probably the least qualified person to comment on this but my instant thought was "is your relationship lacking intimacy or is it lacking sex?" because for someone like me those are entirely different things. Whether or not your partner is asexual, it might be good to figure out what she views as intimacy in the first place so you're on the same page.

 

If for some reason sex isn't intimate for her, that's a question of compatibility and it's up to you to decide what you'd like to do about this area of your lives where you are not compatible.

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Cheshire-Cat

I agree with turtle about the difference between intimacy and sex. When you first start a relationship things are a bit of a rush, once you've got past that stage they tend to settle down and what was normal in the beginning tends to dissipate. Do you have intimacy in other ways? Cuddling, kissing, date nights etc.? Its easy to say my partner never gives intimacy but then when you look at your own behaviour closely realise that life has gotten in the way and your both in the same boat. Sometimes its about making a bit of time for the little things, having a date night, having a night curled up on the sofa watching a movie, actually properly making time for each other. When you live apart the time together is more special because you aren't together all the time, when you live together these things tend to slide because you're with that person everyday.

 

If bringing it up in conversation is difficult it may be worth writing down your feelings in a letter. Putting that you feel frustrated that those first flushes or romance are gone and that you'd like to rekindle it a bit. Ask what they want and how they feel. And maybe give some suggestions about how things can improve, like having one evening a week set aside as 'couple time' where you just concentrate on being together and enjoying each others company, whether its going out somewhere or staying in and watching a movie. I would also say that if you do write a letter it may be better to not even mention the sex part as they could see it as a bit of an attack, just say you miss the intimacy you used to have and you want to reconnect again as a couple. If you can get the connection right then the sex will eventually come.

 

The first bit of a relationship is the easy part, the hard part is after those first flushes of love when reality hits and you have to work out how to make that relationship work alongside the realities of life.

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AceMissBehaving

First of all you are not being selfish at all. It’s possible both of you have different needs in the arena, and it’s not selfish to have sexual needs.

 

There are a number of reasons things could be going as they are, but I’m guessing since you’re here you at least suspect your partner might be asexual?

 

Is asexuality something she has talked about with you in the past?
 

I was perhaps in a similar situation to your girl friend at the beginning of my current relationship. Conversations around it were hard, because I really didn’t understand that for my partner sex was an integral part of his being.
 

The first thing that had to happen before the conversations became productive was I needed to learn what sex meant to other people, and to understand why it was important. It’s possible your girlfriend might still need to make this discovery too.

 

Another thing that was an issue was that all intimacy would lead to sex. Cuddles would lead to an attempt at sex, playfulness would lead to an attempt at sex. In the end I would start to avoid those things because I wanted to be close, but getting into an argument about sex wasn’t worth it.

 

It’s possible trying to explore intimacy without sex might help. Even if she’s not asexual finding ways to build up closeness in a non sexual way might help ease tensions.


It’s a frustrating process for sure, if you can find a way to bring the current feelings of pressure down for your girlfriend that will probably go some way to being able to talk without defensiveness kicking in too.

 

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uhtred

For many people love, romance and sex are all combined together.  There is nothing at all wrong with feeling that way. 

 

For others, sex is just a thing a couple does sometimes. For yet others, sex is somehow "bad"  / undesirable etc. 

 

Unfortunately its also possible to lose sexual interest in someone.   On thinking back do you think your girlfriend actively enjoyed sex, or do you think she was excited about the rest of the relationship but the sex didn't really matter to her? 

 

If you are able to talk, that is a very important step.  

 

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henshin

What @AceMissBehaving said!

 

Imagine if you knew someone who said they had to eat macaroni cheese a coupe of times a week or they wouldn't be satisfied with their life or relationship. You'd think they're pretty weird right? Of course they can have a fulfilled life without it.

 

That's what it was like for me for years. I just did not get that sex was integral to a fulfilled relationship for sexuals. You might need to explain that to your girl.

 

Start by asking her if she has heard of asexuality or thinks she might be asexual? Be neutral about it, don't bring it up right after an argument, don't bring it up in bed.  

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pickles mcgee
9 hours ago, henshin said:

Imagine if you knew someone who said they had to eat macaroni cheese a coupe of times a week or they wouldn't be satisfied with their life or relationship. You'd think they're pretty weird right?

It's not this that would seem weird to me, but this: if they said that I needed to eat it too for them to feel satisfied, and if we had to eat it together, and mash it into each other's body cavities.  

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Serran

 

On 11/18/2019 at 1:23 PM, frankiie said:

 

 


Out of fear I don’t bring the topic of our relationship lacking intimacy up due to it always turning into and argument and in her words “this makes me want to sleep with you even less!” But I am beginning to feel like it’s just an excuse and another reason to push me further away. 

How you discuss it is important. Are you framing it as "I am feeling..." or as a "why don't we have sex" / "why do you not like sex anymore"? You don't want to put her on the defensive, just communicate how you feel. 

 

But, the talking about it making her want it less I get. I found talking about it as exhausting as doing it. It was like sex with my exes I had a cup that every time we had sex, talked about it, I was asked for it etc the cup filled up and I would need a complete break for it to empty again. Any sexual situation would prevent it emptying. 

 

On 11/18/2019 at 1:23 PM, frankiie said:

 

 


I love her and I know she loves me too, I love our life together. But I am beginning to fall out of love because the intimacy I crave with her is gone. She can’t understand why I crave this intimacy with her so much and it makes me so frustrated.
Am I selfish for feeling this way? 
How can I best bring this issue up with her to make her understand me better? How can I understand her better? 
Any help and advice would be appreciated. Thank you. 

You're not selfish, you're just different. You need to find a way to calmly share feelings that are likely to hurt you both. If you can't talk, a letter can help avoid it being an argument. Add a lot of reassuring you don't blame each other and you dont think she's wrong for how she feels etc. A lot of people feel guilty and broken for not wanting sex so it quickly turns to defensive anger and nothing productive. And same is a risk for sexuals who feel rejected and hurt. You both need to push beyond those feelings and talk anyway. Therapists can help with talking without fighting if you can't figure it out. 

 

But even if you talk, you might find she just can't do sex like you want. With my exes after limerence ended then sex slowly became just a chore that over time I didn't want to do anymore. And the more I was pushed the more I withdrew from all forms of intimacy.

 

Of course, I do have someone I am finally attracted to that way and if she lost attraction for me it would hurt a bit. So I can understand why it doesn't work for people (though I would still be OK, I get why others wouldn't). But, I also understand the pressure of sex you dont want. You're likely both hurting in this. Which is why fights are so easy to have over it. 

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