toujours Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 Heya, I'm back after a 10-year hiatus. During my most active periods here, I was single and in love with a guy who turned out to be the opposite of what I had been hoping for (very sexual, and not having a problem with soliciting only casual sex from me?!?!), and that sent me close to clinical depression. I eventually got over that episode of my life, and I found a new person, with whom I have a solid relationship, and who I think can truly be my life partner. Is he asexual? Aha, tricky question. Am I still asexual while being with him? Aha, even trickier question. As I feel it, sex is important for him, but I do not feel he needs sex very often. What I do feel, is that he gets annoyed by the fact that I ever identified as asexual. He thinks it is a label that I imposed on myself and that did more harm than good, and that limited me. In a way, I need to recognise that he is not totally wrong. I clenched so much to the asexual label back then, that when I found out my old flame was the opposite of that ideal that I had imagined for myself and my sexual identity, it nearly destroyed me. I went to a very dark place of near-clinical depression where I cried nonstop for about three days, as I could not believe what just happened to me. I could not believe this new identity that came to define me so much could be so incompatible with reality. I felt I had to take a break. Figure out what I wanted and how much in touch with reality I really was. I went on a journey. And then I met him, my current partner. And my life has made so much sense ever since. My entire life I longed for that special person. I finally found him. We are compatible and right at so many levels. And it so happens that he does not agree too much with the whole concept of asexuality. And given my previous history, the obvious thing for me to do was to take some distance from the forum, and see what happened. I am now back because I feel that, having understood a bit more how romantic and sexual relationships work, from personal experience, I feel better equipped to deal with the ambiguity of my situation. And as I said in my hello-I'm-back message, I sometimes feel I need the support of an online community, which I haven't found elsewhere. Also, I might be of help. That's it from me. Thanks for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 Welcome back! Link to post Share on other sites
Puck Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 Welcome back and thank you for sharing your story! It's a really good one too It's why I often try to encourage people to put their wants, needs, and desires first before a label; who you are and what you want should lead to your label, your label shouldn't be what you use to decide your actions. I'm glad you seem to have learned this and found happiness! I hope you enjoy your time here and continue to grow and find more and more ways to be happy! Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 Welcome back! I'm glad you were able to take a step back from the label and look at yourself as a person rather than a limiting concept. I'm a bit sad he "does not agree too much with the whole concept of asexuality" but that's on him and if you don't mind then obviously there's no reason we should be upset about a person we're no interacting with. Link to post Share on other sites
michaeld Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 Welcome back! I remember you from back in the day! I hope you can find a home here again. Link to post Share on other sites
toujours Posted November 17, 2019 Author Share Posted November 17, 2019 Thanks everyone for such a warm welcome . Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted November 18, 2019 Share Posted November 18, 2019 I think it speaks to the comfort that AVEN offers many of us that we remember you -- because we're still here after all those years! Welcome back! Link to post Share on other sites
natsume Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 If your past bothers him then that's something he needs to work on, not you. Limited how? Should you have found someone else before him? I'm not sure what he's annoyed about. You don't need to feel like you made a mistake identifying as an asexual and you shouldn't, even if you choose to never do so again. Welcome back 🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
toujours Posted November 20, 2019 Author Share Posted November 20, 2019 On 11/19/2019 at 1:12 AM, natsume said: I'm not sure what he's annoyed about. I think, understandably, for a lot of people, it would be incredibly embarrassing that the fact that your partner does not desire you sexually is of public knowledge. I would not dream to come out again in public now. That's an easy thing to do when you are single, as the only person you are affecting is yourself. But yes, I have the right to identify as whatever I want, if I so choose. I am just not sure I need it at the moment. Thanks for the message Link to post Share on other sites
natsume Posted November 20, 2019 Share Posted November 20, 2019 Ah, okay I was confused. I thought you were sexually attracted to him. Link to post Share on other sites
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