Struggling with identity

[Starstruck Sailor]

Hey guys, it’s me. I recently started thinking that I’m aroace. Previously, I thought I was biromantic asexual, but I’m not so sure anymore. I’ve thought I had crushes on both guys and girls, but looking back, I’m pretty sure I just wanted to be their friend. I’ve only been in one relationship, and it was not a good experience. He made me very uncomfortable, and it’s possible that me thinking I’m aro is a tactic to protect myself for, something like that happening again. On the other hand, I might have been super uncomfortable around him because I’m aro. I’m not really certain.

However, I want to be in a relationship. I want to fall in love, and experience romantic love, and have a romantic partner, preferably femal but idrc. Just... love, ya know? 
Amyway, I’m a little confused if I’m aro or not, and if really wanting a relationship means I’m not aro or something. Help/ advice appreciated and welcomed. Thanks y’all. 

[Rynn]

What about him made you uncomfortable? Something he did/said, or just the fact that you were in a relationship with him?

 

I think the fact that you do want to be in a romantic relationship does make it less likely that you are aromantic, although there is also the term cupioromantic, which means that you do desire a romantic relationship in theory, but that you do not experience romantic attraction.

 

What made you think you had crushes before, and why did you change your mind about them being crushes? How would you describe the feelings you did have for those people?

 

(It just feels like I haven't got much to go on right now, which makes it harder to give good advice, that's why I'm asking questions. You don't have to answer them if it makes you uncomfortable.)

[nineGardens]

So, first things first (the universal disclaimer):

 Labels are just labels. They only mean so much as we let them. If you know that you were uncomfortable in that relationship, but would like to fall in love one day, in some sense that's all the information that is really real.

If I bake a cake and know how its made and what it tastes like, who really cares what its called?

 

If we ARE in the bussiness of labels...

I'd say that wanting to be in a relationship, and wanting to fall in love sounds pretty damn romantical to me.

There are lots of relationships that don't work, some for perfectly innocent person mismatch reasons, and some for more toxic reasons. But having one relationship that didn't feel right and EXITING that relationship sounds like a healthy and sane thing to do regardless of your sexual/romantic orientations. It's okay to say "That relationship was not for me" without needing to say "Because I'm Aro."

Probably, being able to figure out and/or pin down why it wasn't right could be helpful - if there was something toxic in it, its good to notice for the future... but then again, sometimes there is no particular reason, and some things just don't click. That's okay too.

 

If you do decide to use the Aro label, probably base it on how you feel about imagined future relationships, not based on how you experienced the previous one.

[Starstruck Sailor]

2 hours ago, Laurann said:

What about him made you uncomfortable? Something he did/said, or just the fact that you were in a relationship with him?

 

I think the fact that you do want to be in a romantic relationship does make it less likely that you are aromantic, although there is also the term cupioromantic, which means that you do desire a romantic relationship in theory, but that you do not experience romantic attraction.

 

What made you think you had crushes before, and why did you change your mind about them being crushes? How would you describe the feelings you did have for those people?

 

(It just feels like I haven't got much to go on right now, which makes it harder to give good advice, that's why I'm asking questions. You don't have to answer them if it makes you uncomfortable.)

Just being with him romantically made me uncomfortable and it made my depression and anxiety worse as well. We had been friends previously, and when he asked me out, I was excited, but after a few weeks I started really regretting saying yes. He pressured me into things and was very possessive, almost to the point where i didn’t feel like I belonged to myself anymore. The relationship only lasted for 9 months before I worked up the courage to cut it off, but it was still way too long.

When I thought I had crushes before, it was usually after my friends were like “oh they like you” or “oh y’all would make a great couple” and I was like “alright seems legit”. But looking back, I never actually wanted to date or do romantic things with any of them. There was one girl who I met and I really wanted to get closer to her, but I never wanted to kiss her or hold her hand, just be closer emotionally and get to know her better. That was how they all were, and I thought that those were crushes until a few months ago when my friend described her crush and how she wanted to kiss him and like have sex and be very physically close and stuff. I’ve never gotten “butterflies” over someone, which is also something she consistently described about her crushes. 
 

I’ve tried to force myself to develop a crush on someone, but it never works. And when I think about all of my old “crushes”, I hate the idea of kissing them or sleeping with them, things like that. Like I said, it could have been caused by my terrible experience with my ex, who did force me to kiss him and pressured me into doing things I didn’t want to do, but I really can’t say for certain.

 

Your questions are completely fine, ask as many as you need, there’s (almost) nothing I’m not willing to answer

[Starstruck Sailor]

2 hours ago, nineGardens said:

So, first things first (the universal disclaimer):

 Labels are just labels. They only mean so much as we let them. If you know that you were uncomfortable in that relationship, but would like to fall in love one day, in some sense that's all the information that is really real.

If I bake a cake and know how its made and what it tastes like, who really cares what its called?

 

If we ARE in the bussiness of labels...

I'd say that wanting to be in a relationship, and wanting to fall in love sounds pretty damn romantical to me.

There are lots of relationships that don't work, some for perfectly innocent person mismatch reasons, and some for more toxic reasons. But having one relationship that didn't feel right and EXITING that relationship sounds like a healthy and sane thing to do regardless of your sexual/romantic orientations. It's okay to say "That relationship was not for me" without needing to say "Because I'm Aro."

Probably, being able to figure out and/or pin down why it wasn't right could be helpful - if there was something toxic in it, its good to notice for the future... but then again, sometimes there is no particular reason, and some things just don't click. That's okay too.

 

If you do decide to use the Aro label, probably base it on how you feel about imagined future relationships, not based on how you experienced the previous one.

Yeah, I know. The relationship was toxic, but part of it was because I never wanted to be in it in the first place. The initials excitemnet of being in a relationship convinced me that I did, but really? I never liked him as anything more than a sort-of friend. He was good-looking and nice to me, and all of my friends were pushing it, so I thought I had a crush on him but really I just wanted to be friends, nothing more. But that relationship wasn’t what all relationships are like, and I know that. I’m not basing my questioning off that experience solely, it’s just an example. And yeah, I agree, wanting a relationship and love is pretty romantic of me. That’s why I’m struggling. I’ve never had a romantic crush on someone I’m pretty sure, and the concept of marriage makes me want to throw up not gonna lie, and the concept of a romantic relationship makes me a little uncomfortable. I know that’s contradictory of me, and trust me, it’s been driving me crazy. I’ll try to explain though.

 

when I think about being in a traditional romantic relationship with someone, I feel uncomfortable and like it’s unattainable, like it’s just out of reach. I am more than willing to admit that it could be because my only experience with “romance” was toxic and very scary, so I might be misjudging it. But the thought of being in a relationship seems too confining and more than a little scary. When I try to picture myself in a relationship with people I thought I had crushes on in the past, I either can’t imagine it at all or it makes me uncomfortable and wonder why I ever thought I wanted it.

 

i want the abstract concept of love, but most of all, I want to be happy with another person like I see my friends happy with their romantic partners. I want to *know* that I’m in love, like affirmation that I can be, sort of. Does that make sense? If I need to clarify anything I’ll try my best. 

[Rynn]

1 minute ago, Starstruck Sailor said:

He pressured me into things and was very possessive, almost to the point where i didn’t feel like I belonged to myself anymore.

This would make me (and I think most other people) very uncomfortable too. It doesn't sound healthy.

 

3 minutes ago, Starstruck Sailor said:

I thought that those were crushes until a few months ago when my friend described her crush and how she wanted to kiss him and like have sex and be very physically close and stuff. I’ve never gotten “butterflies” over someone, which is also something she consistently described about her crushes. 

Everyone experiences crushes differently. I never got butterflies either, and I've never wanted to kiss anyone (let alone have sex haha, friggin ludicrous). For me, when I'm romantically attracted to someone, I want to hug and cuddle and have long deep conversations at night, I suddenly care a lot about whether they like me back in the same way, and I hold imaginary conversations full of stuff I still want to tell them when I really should be sleeping. It's a less obvious form of romantic attraction, but it is definitely romantic attraction nonetheless.

 

So, the point is, just because you don't experience the same things your friend experiences, that doesn't mean you can't experience a different, more subdued, form of romantic attraction. I can't tell you whether you do or don't experience this attraction, because I'm not in your head.

 

2 minutes ago, Starstruck Sailor said:

I’ve tried to force myself to develop a crush on someone, but it never works.

Well yeah, that's not how it works for anyone haha  

 

5 minutes ago, Starstruck Sailor said:

i want the abstract concept of love, but most of all, I want to be happy with another person like I see my friends happy with their romantic partners.

I do hope that you know that you can be happy with another person who is 'just' your friend or queerplatonic partner. I'm not going to say that's easy, because it probably isn't, but pursuing something you don't really want won't make you happy either.

 

At the same time, maybe it would be good to have professional help with working through what happened to you during that relationship? I don't know how expensive therapy is where you're from, but if it's possible, it might be good. They might even be able to help you uncover whether this relationship is warping your view of relationships in general or not.

[Starstruck Sailor]

2 minutes ago, Laurann said:

Well yeah, that's not how it works for anyone haha  

Yeah no shit lol 

3 minutes ago, Laurann said:

So, the point is, just because you don't experience the same things your friend experiences, that doesn't mean you can't experience a different, more subdued, form of romantic attraction. I can't tell you whether you do or don't experience this attraction, because I'm not in your head.

Yeah, I know. I’m pretty darn sure I was only experiencing platonic and/or alterous attraction, both of which I’ve researched a lot. I know there are different ways to experience romantic attraction, but I really don’t think that was what it was. Sure, it could have been. I don’t really know, and that’s ok I guess. thank you though