it devastates me that I don't have sexual desire

[colorblind_sunset]

I know logically that it's just fine if I don't want to have sex with another person; everybody's different; there's no RIGHT way to live. still, it's devastating for me. Ive realized that every time I've ever slept with a guy it's because I've wanted love/companionship/acceptance...NOT orgasms. I masturbate all the time but it has nothing to do with horniness for other people...it's like scratching an itch. I didn't even know that people thought about other people (or anything, for that matter) when they masturbated until a college boyfriend asked me what I thought about when I did it and I was like....what? 

the times I've had sex with women it was amazing and exciting but those times were few and far between and while I am definitely attracted to women if I watch porn, I pretty much feel dead below the waist when I am looking at any person in the real world. even if someone is "hot"... I never get aroused by looking at anyone; I never look at someone I see and think about doing sexual things with them and I kind of HATE that. I've been in a relationship with an Allo for several years....he loves sex and wants it every day. I love him and I love making him happy and I actually do orgasm from sex....but I still don't WANT it, ever. I just don't get any of it....I don't get why anybody would go out of their way to get it, I don't get why anybody would want to be viewed in a sexual way, I don't get why people film themselves and then post it on pornhub...I don't get why people take the time to even have lengthy masturbation sessions with props and toys and sexy clothes. I can get myself off in like 30 seconds and then I go on with my life and I'm happy with that. it's enough now and it's always been enough. and it's wrecking me that I know that my partner LOVES sex and would never understand that I can be in love with him, think he's "hot" but not have the actual desire to have sex with him. it would devastate him to know I just do it to make him happy. he wants me to want it. I don't know if I even know what wanting it feels like. I just don't understand needing another person for your sexual needs. it sucks. I feel like I either have to hide this part of me forever or else this or any other partner that I have will leave me because most "normal" people won't be able to comprehend not having any need or desire for partnered sex. it just gets exhausting pretending I actually give a shit about sex and like it matters to me if I'm attractive to other people or not. I don't get it to the point where I actually find myself hating/resenting men because I see them check me out all the time and I just DONT GET IT. it makes me feel threatened and violated that these people I don't even know are looking at my body and thinking about things they want to do to it. I HATE IT. and I hate that I can't relate to it. it feels like EVERYBODY is obsessed with sex. I'm really depressed and struggling...please somebody tell me that I'm not alone.

[Guest]

Take a breath. You aren't alone. Lots of other people aren't into sex either. 

 

As for your boyfriend... I think it's best to be honest. You are going to do long term mental and emotional damage to yourself trying to pretend to be sexual for him. And, you may be harming him as well, because if he is a good guy, he could end up feeling like he unintentionally raped you all this time. Compromises can  be made on both ends, if two are into it, but faking won't last for 10-20-30 years. You're already getting resentful. Next step tends to be repulsion. I forced myself into sex with my ex for 10 years before I just couldn't take it anymore. It is not worth it..

 

Once I left my ex I found someone on here who expected no sex from me. Of course, in our case, we found we enjoy some sexual activities together (so I don't ID as ace anymore and my partner doesn't ID as anything)  , but we are on same page. Others have found people who knew day one and are OK with it. Others have found other aces and both actually were ace (unlike me who it turns out was more demi) and have sexless romance. 

 

So. Even if you do end up losing this guy (which isn't a guarantee) you may find a better relationship for yourself. One where you don't have to force yourself to do something you hate. 

[AceMissBehaving]

You are absolutely not alone and there are a lot of people who feel the same way you do.

 

I do agree with @Serran that it’s best to talk to your partner about it. I’m asexual and married to a sexual person. Trying to keep these feeling hidden does get exhausting, and just puts a wall in between you both. 
 

Having the ace conversation can be tricky, but it’s worth having. Some advice I would give before having it is to take some time to focus on what exactly it is you do feel, do want, and how to put those things into words. If the conversation leans just on the things we as asexuals don’t want and don’t feel it can come across like rejection at first to the sexual partner. Being able to positively describe the ways we find our partners attractive, the importance of other non sexual forms of intimacy etc center the conversation in a more positive way, and give the other person reassurance that we do still love them, just perhaps differently.

 

I’m so sorry you are going through all this, I know it’s hard, and I know the depression spiral well. But knowing what you know is the start, and you can work towards a future where those feelings do get better 

[Hypnotic]

On 11/16/2019 at 2:10 PM, colorblind_sunset said:

I know logically that it's just fine if I don't want to have sex with another person; everybody's different; there's no RIGHT way to live. still, it's devastating for me. Ive realized that every time I've ever slept with a guy it's because I've wanted love/companionship/acceptance...NOT orgasms. I masturbate all the time but it has nothing to do with horniness for other people...it's like scratching an itch. I didn't even know that people thought about other people (or anything, for that matter) when they masturbated until a college boyfriend asked me what I thought about when I did it and I was like....what? 

the times I've had sex with women it was amazing and exciting but those times were few and far between and while I am definitely attracted to women if I watch porn, I pretty much feel dead below the waist when I am looking at any person in the real world. even if someone is "hot"... I never get aroused by looking at anyone; I never look at someone I see and think about doing sexual things with them and I kind of HATE that. I've been in a relationship with an Allo for several years....he loves sex and wants it every day. I love him and I love making him happy and I actually do orgasm from sex....but I still don't WANT it, ever. I just don't get any of it....I don't get why anybody would go out of their way to get it, I don't get why anybody would want to be viewed in a sexual way, I don't get why people film themselves and then post it on pornhub...I don't get why people take the time to even have lengthy masturbation sessions with props and toys and sexy clothes. I can get myself off in like 30 seconds and then I go on with my life and I'm happy with that. it's enough now and it's always been enough. and it's wrecking me that I know that my partner LOVES sex and would never understand that I can be in love with him, think he's "hot" but not have the actual desire to have sex with him. it would devastate him to know I just do it to make him happy. he wants me to want it. I don't know if I even know what wanting it feels like. I just don't understand needing another person for your sexual needs. it sucks. I feel like I either have to hide this part of me forever or else this or any other partner that I have will leave me because most "normal" people won't be able to comprehend not having any need or desire for partnered sex. it just gets exhausting pretending I actually give a shit about sex and like it matters to me if I'm attractive to other people or not. I don't get it to the point where I actually find myself hating/resenting men because I see them check me out all the time and I just DONT GET IT. it makes me feel threatened and violated that these people I don't even know are looking at my body and thinking about things they want to do to it. I HATE IT. and I hate that I can't relate to it. it feels like EVERYBODY is obsessed with sex. I'm really depressed and struggling...please somebody tell me that I'm not alone.

I think it's interesting that you highlighted that you really enjoyed sex with women.  Have you ever enjoyed sex with men?  If you haven't ever enjoyed sex with any man but have really enjoyed sex with women, I would suggest considering the possibility that you might be gay.  Maybe you are gay and have a low libido or are suppressing your attractions unconsciously or maybe you just don't find that many women attractive.  It's actually pretty common for a lot of women who turn out to be gay go through a period of trying to conform to societal norms by being in relationships with men and then discover that sex with men just is not working for them and gradually realising that they are more attracted to women.  It can be a very gradual process for some.  

I'm not denying that you might be asexual but maybe it's something that you might want to consider.   

[DuranDuranfan]

Or, if you’re not asexual, maybe you’re a bi-romantic lesbian(I assume you’re AFAB)?