Same Story Rehash

[Traveler40]

So, this was in the LATimes today.  Ask Amy advice lacks insight which is unsurprising. “Just Don’t” flashed across my mind. Ha! 

In any case, it made me wonder about the many who have never heard of Asexuality as a possibility.  
 

https://www.pressreader.com/usa/los-angeles-times/20191115/282677574119378

[anisotrophic]

The "not touching" thing really gets to me to hear about, it sounds cruel, it sounds like hell. This is all deeply unfair, something nobody should have unwittingly sacrificed when getting entangled with a marriage and children.

The advice seems to normalize this hell as a reasonable thing to endure, and trivialize the new guy as "sexually exciting". Wow. Shockingly unsympathetic.

 

I think it should have said "this is not something anyone should have to live with". I think it should have pointed out that the new person might not be the solution, but it's a sign that she's been in too much pain. The solution is going to be contextual to a relationship, but the LW surely deserves an affirmation that she should pursue one.

[Traveler40]

18 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

The "not touching" thing really gets to me to hear about, it sounds cruel, it sounds like hell.

Yes, and it’s something I know all too well. Interestingly, I’d never put Aro to my husband’s Ace until sometime within the year.  With time, the lack of sex coupled with the lack of touch just kind of blends together and is part of the dysfunctional normal. Separating them is hard to see actually.

 

Once you realize it’s different stuff, it somehow becomes even harder to handle. Perhaps there’s a bit of, “how could I NOT know?” That goes on. Digesting that and coming to terms with it takes time. Forgiveness for that pain takes time.
 

18 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

I think it should have said "this is not something anyone should have to live with". I think it should have pointed out that the new person might not be the solution, but it's a sign that she's been in too much pain. The solution is going to be contextual to a relationship, but the LW surely deserves an affirmation that she should pursue one.

Well said and I agree. Extreme neglect (which it is if you’re someone who needs touch) is really unacceptable and tough at the core. Finding the courage to embrace her solution, whatever that may be, is where it’s at.

 

Parallels are uncomfortable.  I felt for this woman and hope she finds an acceptable solution longer term.

 

Edit: I write from the sexual viewpoint having lived this particular situation. Yes, I understand her husband’s needs are different. The difference of needs and base sexuality is why we are all here.  Making it work is a challenge for all.  Again, I’m a solutions expert it a situation that has no real solution.  It’s tough all the way around.