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PittyKitty

Hello All, 

I'm new to this group. I just figured it out tonight that my husband is asexual. I want to talk to him more about it, but I believe I finally have the answer to a question I wasn't able to answer. We have been married for a little over 2 years and together for about 5. We had a little sexual contact at the beginning, but he was so entranced by the newness of me, but that faded. Sex was always difficult and very infrequent. We only did anything if I brought it up, and then it was often another form of sex because what might be standard wasn't really possible, he just couldn't make it happen. My husband is a good person and a funny, personable guy. I ignored the sex issues and chalked it up to his medication, weight gain, etc. 

 

We married and nothing changed, it got worse. When I'd broach the topic of sex he would often have an excuse why he couldn't. Or if he'd agree to it, he'd look like a deer in the headlights and would say that we could have sex, and he wanted to. I knew he was lying. He never really knew what to do and was so nervous and passionless. That wasn't lost on me. I hated that but I needed to be touched so I would just deal with it the one time we'd do anything every few months. 

 

I am a pretty sexual person. I've had to put my sexuality on a shelf. I'm early 40's and am not ready to hang it up and have a sexless life. I also don't want to get divorced. We have a good relationship and can talk and laugh easily. We can talk about this subject but it's frustrating because he will say he's going to try to do better, but he never does. I've always known it was a problem that he couldn't help. I believed him that it's not my appearance, I knew that he just didn't really have any sexual drive. I would and do get frustrated though. He doesn't make me feel like I want to feel as a woman, and I can be very snippy with him because I'm so sexually starved and unsatisfied. I have an underlying anger. I would get mad when he said he'd do better because I deep down didn't think that it was possible. I never really thought of anything except a blanket explanation of low sex drive. 

 

We were talking earlier and he said he bought a book to help him but I wasn't bowled over by the idea because I knew he would never be sexual. And then it somehow clicked. Asexual. That's what he is. He's not romantic or much to hug or kiss me, but he loves me. I do know that. He gets along well with women because he is interested in women but there is no sexual component so he can be a true plutonic friend, coworker, etc. He couldn't name one person he was sexually attracted to. I told him I wouldn't care who it was, if there was anyone he was attracted to, I just wanted to know. When we have sex, he doesn't really connect with me like I know to be "normal". He's typically not able to perform unless it's me doing something to him, and then it's just the response of his body. He doesn't look at me or really connect with me. He says he is happy to make me happy, although he won't do the things I really want him to, and I can tell he's not into any of it. 

 

I've been reading for hours. I think he will be able to see that it's him. He knows I'm not going to embarrass or belittle him. Now there is the question, where do we go from here? He will give me sexual contact to try to help me be okay, but I only ask once every 2 or 3 months. I don't want pity sex but I need something so I take it. If he agrees that this is him, I may abandon ship on sex with him if possible. I don't want to make anyone have sex with me, but I cannot go without forever. For the first time I have truly thought about keeping my options open outside of my marriage if an opportunity presented itself. I don't know what other option I have? I don't want to force him, I've never wanted to make him do things he wasn't comfortable with. I've always understood his limitations regardless of the emptiness I felt. Can anyone in my situation give me some advice or guidance on how they handle it? Thanks for reading. 

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uhtred

I have been the sexual partner in a sexual / near-asexual marriage for over 30 years.   I have to say that in general I don't recommend it. I only discovered asexuality existed a few years ago and that helped me understand a little, but it remains a huge problem.

 

I think it depends critically on the people.  For me, sex, romance and love are all combined - so each rejection, or each lack of interest feels like being told that she doesn't love me.  The sexual mismatch has cast a cloud over what should have been a  wonderful marriage. 

 

 

 

Depending on how he feels about sex, hey may agree to sex sometimes.  Then it depends on his attitude. At best he will be doing you a favor - though maybe one out of love.  Or he may be doing a chore for your benefit (I suspect you already know how it feels to receive that sort of sex).  Possibly he will be doing something distasteful to keep you from leaving.

 

You can live with the above because the other parts of your marriage are wonderful.  If you do, you need to be able to put aside resentment, not feel that it is somehow "unfair" that you can never have a passionate sex life

 

Maybe an open marriage works for both of you.  It wouldn't for me, because of the previously mentioned coupling of sex and love. 

 

If he isn't up for an open marriage, but casual sex works for you, you can cheat. I certainly wouldn't judge you for that. 

 

 

My advice:

 

1) assume it will never "improve" because each of you may be hoping for improvement in opposite directions.   You hope for more sex and passion, he hopes for less.   

 

2)  He will probably never really desire you.  Get used to going on a "romantic" trip, watching the sun set over the pacific, walking back to your room and having him start to check facebook.   Decide whether you can live with that. 

 

3) Separate bedrooms.  Its just so painful to have to lie right next to the person you love and desire, but cannot have.   We made a different excuse for separate rooms (snoring) but it make life far more livable.     Not to get crude, but it also t least lets you watch porn and take care of your self - a sorry way to live, but numbs the desire some.

 


If the above sounds negative, it is. I think the majority of these mixed marriages are miserable for at least one person, and usually for both. 

 

 

 

 

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brbdogsonfire
4 hours ago, PittyKittyMom said:

Hello All, 

I'm new to this group. I just figured it out tonight that my husband is asexual. I want to talk to him more about it, but I believe I finally have the answer to a question I wasn't able to answer. We have been married for a little over 2 years and together for about 5. We had a little sexual contact at the beginning, but he was so entranced by the newness of me, but that faded. Sex was always difficult and very infrequent. We only did anything if I brought it up, and then it was often another form of sex because what might be standard wasn't really possible, he just couldn't make it happen. My husband is a good person and a funny, personable guy. I ignored the sex issues and chalked it up to his medication, weight gain, etc. 

 

We married and nothing changed, it got worse. When I'd broach the topic of sex he would often have an excuse why he couldn't. Or if he'd agree to it, he'd look like a deer in the headlights and would say that we could have sex, and he wanted to. I knew he was lying. He never really knew what to do and was so nervous and passionless. That wasn't lost on me. I hated that but I needed to be touched so I would just deal with it the one time we'd do anything every few months. 

 

I am a pretty sexual person. I've had to put my sexuality on a shelf. I'm early 40's and am not ready to hang it up and have a sexless life. I also don't want to get divorced. We have a good relationship and can talk and laugh easily. We can talk about this subject but it's frustrating because he will say he's going to try to do better, but he never does. I've always known it was a problem that he couldn't help. I believed him that it's not my appearance, I knew that he just didn't really have any sexual drive. I would and do get frustrated though. He doesn't make me feel like I want to feel as a woman, and I can be very snippy with him because I'm so sexually starved and unsatisfied. I have an underlying anger. I would get mad when he said he'd do better because I deep down didn't think that it was possible. I never really thought of anything except a blanket explanation of low sex drive. 

 

We were talking earlier and he said he bought a book to help him but I wasn't bowled over by the idea because I knew he would never be sexual. And then it somehow clicked. Asexual. That's what he is. He's not romantic or much to hug or kiss me, but he loves me. I do know that. He gets along well with women because he is interested in women but there is no sexual component so he can be a true plutonic friend, coworker, etc. He couldn't name one person he was sexually attracted to. I told him I wouldn't care who it was, if there was anyone he was attracted to, I just wanted to know. When we have sex, he doesn't really connect with me like I know to be "normal". He's typically not able to perform unless it's me doing something to him, and then it's just the response of his body. He doesn't look at me or really connect with me. He says he is happy to make me happy, although he won't do the things I really want him to, and I can tell he's not into any of it. 

 

I've been reading for hours. I think he will be able to see that it's him. He knows I'm not going to embarrass or belittle him. Now there is the question, where do we go from here? He will give me sexual contact to try to help me be okay, but I only ask once every 2 or 3 months. I don't want pity sex but I need something so I take it. If he agrees that this is him, I may abandon ship on sex with him if possible. I don't want to make anyone have sex with me, but I cannot go without forever. For the first time I have truly thought about keeping my options open outside of my marriage if an opportunity presented itself. I don't know what other option I have? I don't want to force him, I've never wanted to make him do things he wasn't comfortable with. I've always understood his limitations regardless of the emptiness I felt. Can anyone in my situation give me some advice or guidance on how they handle it? Thanks for reading. 

I've been dating an asexual woman for 6 years and it's a happy relationship. I will be upfront that I do believe the reason it works for us is because of my very low sex drive. Intimacy is more important so cuddling and such. Which she is good with so I can be happy with a very low amount of sex.

 

This is not the norm though for people. If you have even an average sex drive it would be hard to compensate for which you already know. I doubt it gets better for your situation sadly.

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anisotrophic

@PittyKittyMom it's worth having the conversations. But I think taking it slow, not expecting him to immediately agree, time to think. Talking is good… you can talk about your own experience of sexuality, which he might realize is very different from his own. He might want to get his health checked to rule that out (for peace of mind, perhaps; my husband checked his testosterone level and it was normal). We also benefited from having LGBTQIA+ specializing therapists (i.e. knowledgeable about asexuality).

When we had our own conversations, one thing we did was talk about sex acts, getting explicit about what he was okay with -- a "want/will/won't" list. Finding out if he's repulsed or indifferent – that difference might matter to you? (My partner compares it to a minor chore – like doing dishes or laundry – and after being upset/hurt, I eventually decided I'm OK with this. I don't expect him to want anything, I lead; I know that pattern might not be for everyone.)

 

It really all depends on how you both feel, what you both want. It may be that focusing on intimacy with him isn't the right answer for you as a couple. That could mean splitting, or talking about "open".

It is really important to work this out, though, because people only become more entangled over time – both of you should work out a path forward that is happy for both of you. Fingers crossed for you!

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PittyKitty

@uhtred

Thank you for your input. Much of what you described is what we are currently living. I just didn't have a name for it before. When we travel we enjoy ourselves, but go back to the room and check phones or watch TV. Sure I'd love to do more, but I don't want to force him so I have accepted it as is. It's surely not easy and I don't really desire him anymore. I love him, but I desire others who are sexual. I can't really desire someone who has no interest. We also do sleep in separate rooms already. My snoring was the issue. I've lost a good deal of weight since last year and the snoring is gone. We have different sleep styles (fan/no fan, nightlights, etc) so it hasn't really been terrible for me. If there was regular sex I'd consider dealing with differing sleep styles, but without sex, I'm just fine down the hall. Also as you said, I have privacy for myself if I need it to attend to my needs. I've never judged him or thought he was weird, he is just this way. It's not easy. I can tell he doesn't really desire me. He did in the beginning but I think that was an infatuation that passed. He loves me, he makes that clear. It's not how I thought marriage would be, but I don't want to leave. I feel better knowing that there is something I can attribute this all to. It's real and we can learn more and adjust. It is sad in a way though. I'm still young and don't want to never have real, passionate sex again. I don't believe in cheating but in a case like this, it doesn't seem unreasonable. That's a topic for another time with him though. I would like him to understand if the opportunity presented itself to me, that it should be okay for me to discreetly enjoy. I feel like we've been living exactly as you have described, but couldn't explain why. I feel better knowing we aren't alone. Thanks. 

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PittyKitty

@brbdogsonfire  Thanks for the reply. It sounds like you have a bit easier of a time than others with a higher drive. I'm glad you are surviving okay. I'm not quite sure what the future will hold or what our arrangement will be. I hope we can find a way to work it out with a minimum of hurt feelings. Time will tell. 

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brbdogsonfire

You could try to bring up that he is asexual. Start a conversation. Maybe it will help him realize the issue and help. I didn't realize he didn't know if he is asexual.

 

my and I have a compromise because we talked about it, and have worked together to find a spot that works for both of us. If you want it to work both of you will have to find a place that works for you.

Edited by brbdogsonfire

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PittyKitty

@anisotrophicThank you for the advice. Funny thing is that he had his testosterone checked a few years back. It was in the lower part of normal, but normal nonetheless. We also have pretty good communication about things. I don't think he's ever truthfully expressed how he REALLY feels about sex, but we both knew he had very low drive. I'm grateful that we are able to communicate openly and easily. We have talked about our sex problems many times. He always says he will do better but I always knew that he couldn't do better. It was helpful for me to be able to put a name to it. I hope we can make it and find out what works for us. Now I will push working on intimacy more than sex. I don't want to give up on sex for myself, so I will have to figure out what I need to do about that.   Sorry, I think I meant this for @brbdogsonfire   I'm new here and am screwing it up 😛

Edited by PittyKittyMom

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anisotrophic
6 minutes ago, PittyKittyMom said:

Now I will push working on intimacy more than sex.

That sounds good to me. It's not like sex gets better when people feel pressure! Almost guaranteed to make things worse.

 

I like to aim for both of us to feel loved for who we are, sexuality and asexuality as intrinsic parts of that.

 

I can say it took my partner a couple months of thinking about it to settle on asexuality as a new identity. (I brought the possibility to him. He identitied as bi before that, so it might've been easier for him to id as non-straight.) But we talked a lot about what our experiences of sex were, which was crazy that we hadn't really unpacked that after over a decade of marriage! Awkward subject, and the concept of asexuality didn't really exist when we started dating years ago.

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PittyKitty

@brbdogsonfire  You're correct, he didn't know and I didn't know the name for what I truly believe he is either. I've heard of asexuality, but I didn't realize how many facets of it there are. After doing some reading, I knew  completely that that was the story of him, the frustrated spouses were me. I sent him some articles as he was getting ready for bed and I continued to read more. He responded that they were good articles. I encouraged him to read more today as we wouldn't even see each other before I left for work tonight. I am thankful he is open minded enough to consider something like this. He works in a very macho field and many others wouldn't consider it I'm sure. He didn't say anything to the effect that I was way off or completely wrong. He said he wants to talk when we finally have time Monday (I work long overnight shifts and will sleep much of the days this weekend). I don't want to text about it because it's too important. I believe he's read up more and I think he knows now that this is the word to describe him. I think we will be able to work it out between us, but what I do about sex will be a much touchier issue I think. I need to think about what this means for my needs as well. Thank you for your thoughtful reply. 

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PittyKitty

@anisotrophic I've been open about what I like and what I want. He has tried most things for me but never showed any interest in doing them again. He can finish, but it's easiest when I do everything and he has to do nothing. Not the funnest scenario for me when he doesn't even look at me. I've always understood that that was him though. I think he will be able to accept that it's him. I think he already knows after doing some reading. I hope it brings him a better understanding of himself. I also wanted to ask you how you found the therapist who was well versed in these types of issues. I would like to encourage him to talk to the right therapist if we can find someone near us. I am grateful that he is at least open minded and will be able to say this is him and learn more about how to feel and how to make it work for us. He previously went to therapy so he would be willing to go I think. 

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PittyKitty

I just want to say thanks to those who have replied and say thanks in advance to anyone who may reply to me. I want to talk to someone about this but want to keep it private for just my husband and I. So this helps tons to hear about your experiences and advice. I think I have done a pretty good job thus far dealing with something that I didn't have a name for. I'm hoping that with us both learning more, we can deal even better and I know where our expectations should now lie. 

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anisotrophic
7 minutes ago, PittyKittyMom said:

I also wanted to ask you how you found the therapist who was well versed in these types of issues.

It was actually my therapist's fault in a way! I went to an LGBTQIA+ therapy practice for my gender identity issues and by the end of the second session she asked if my partner might be asexual. I'd never learned much about it before that!

 

So, therapy practices that handle other queer stuff may overlap with asexuality (this practice also overlapping with topics in sex/relationships like kink and open/poly, and I think that's all helpful to have as well when contemplating what to do going forward).

 

FWIW my therapist reflected "I don't get many aces, usually they're not very unhappy unless they're worried about an unhappy partner". (I think that's, like, in contrast to someone who wants to change gender. 😄)

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PittyKitty

@anisotrophic  Wow your therapist was doing double duty it seems!  I guess I will have to do some research in regards to finding an appropriate therapist for my husband if he feels the need to speak to anyone. I feel thankful that we are typically very open with each other. I am feeling hopeful that we will be able to arrive at a compromise. After another failed conversation last night about the issues, this just clicked and I began to research on my own. It just clicked. I am very in tune with him and typically seem to know what he wants, needs, and should do before he even knows. So I'm confident that I'm right and he will agree. I actually feel good being able to put a name to it and learn more about we should proceed. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. 

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uhtred
4 hours ago, PittyKittyMom said:

@uhtred

Thank you for your input. Much of what you described is what we are currently living. I just didn't have a name for it before. When we travel we enjoy ourselves, but go back to the room and check phones or watch TV. Sure I'd love to do more, but I don't want to force him so I have accepted it as is. It's surely not easy and I don't really desire him anymore. I love him, but I desire others who are sexual. I can't really desire someone who has no interest. We also do sleep in separate rooms already. My snoring was the issue. I've lost a good deal of weight since last year and the snoring is gone. We have different sleep styles (fan/no fan, nightlights, etc) so it hasn't really been terrible for me. If there was regular sex I'd consider dealing with differing sleep styles, but without sex, I'm just fine down the hall. Also as you said, I have privacy for myself if I need it to attend to my needs. I've never judged him or thought he was weird, he is just this way. It's not easy. I can tell he doesn't really desire me. He did in the beginning but I think that was an infatuation that passed. He loves me, he makes that clear. It's not how I thought marriage would be, but I don't want to leave. I feel better knowing that there is something I can attribute this all to. It's real and we can learn more and adjust. It is sad in a way though. I'm still young and don't want to never have real, passionate sex again. I don't believe in cheating but in a case like this, it doesn't seem unreasonable. That's a topic for another time with him though. I would like him to understand if the opportunity presented itself to me, that it should be okay for me to discreetly enjoy. I feel like we've been living exactly as you have described, but couldn't explain why. I feel better knowing we aren't alone. Thanks. 

I think there are several of us here in this situation.  Its really unfortunate but as you say, it helps to at least understand.  Feel free to PM.

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MrDane

@uhtred made some quite good comments in this thread. 

 

Go find a solution that works. Work on other levels of intimacy/being romantic. Do not neglect your sexual need. 

Perhaps accept that sex is done out of a base of love to you, but is more like giving aid to your masturbation, that an act of sharing/connecting via sex. Make agreements/schedules. 

 

This is where I stand rigth now.  It is my project, she helps me and helps me because she loves me. 

 

Once in a while, it backfires. “How much rebuilding the kitchen do I have to do, before she...?” But you cannot think like that. 

 

Sometimes I think, what if she had a need for a special massage? And I had the magic touch? I would love to take care of her and remove the pain, because She is important to me.

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PittyKitty

@MrDane  Thank you for your input. I don't feel much hope for our sex life since I've had to bring up the subject every single time for it to happen, and most times I get an excuse like he's tired, or full from dinner, or has a headache. It's frustrating but if someone never brings it up, I know where I stand there. After reading the stories of people, I realize that we have more hope in improving intimacy and romance. After getting turned down so many times I'm bitter and don't look at him in a sexual way. If we want any sort of happiness, we will have to find some sort of romance or intimacy. It's not fun to be bitter, snippy, and to look at him like he's a disappointment. He's a great person but I am so frustrated. I like sex a lot. I miss it terribly. Real sex that isn't forced just to make me happy. I take it but it's not how I want it. He wants me to be happy but he's so uncomfortable when we're in the middle of anything that it's hard to enjoy fully. I suppose you're right though that we will have to find other ways to be close besides actual sex, but I can't stop thinking about sex, you know? 

And yes, @uhtred  had some great points and ways of wording things. I'm new to this and am not able to be as eloquent and clear headed, so I definitely appreciate the advice. Some of it scares me, some of it inspires me that it will be okay. 

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MrDane
On 11/16/2019 at 2:58 PM, PittyKitty said:

@MrDane  Thank you for your input. I don't feel much hope for our sex life since I've had to bring up the subject every single time for it to happen, and most times I get an excuse like he's tired, or full from dinner, or has a headache. It's frustrating but if someone never brings it up, I know where I stand there. After reading the stories of people, I realize that we have more hope in improving intimacy and romance. After getting turned down so many times I'm bitter and don't look at him in a sexual way. If we want any sort of happiness, we will have to find some sort of romance or intimacy. It's not fun to be bitter, snippy, and to look at him like he's a disappointment. He's a great person but I am so frustrated. I like sex a lot. I miss it terribly. Real sex that isn't forced just to make me happy. I take it but it's not how I want it. He wants me to be happy but he's so uncomfortable when we're in the middle of anything that it's hard to enjoy fully. I suppose you're right though that we will have to find other ways to be close besides actual sex, but I can't stop thinking about sex, you know? 

And yes, @uhtred  had some great points and ways of wording things. I'm new to this and am not able to be as eloquent and clear headed, so I definitely appreciate the advice. Some of it scares me, some of it inspires me that it will be okay. 

Again, my experience was/is to move away from asking or turning her on. A bit more like a mix between a chore and an appointment, but both things with a twist of intimacy and love. How about toys and cuddles?

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MiraMeyneth

Ace here. I don't know how much I can give in terms of sexual info, but the way you describe your husband reminds me a lot of myself, just a lot older. Hopefully I can provide some sort of insight into an ace mindscape.

 

Basically, asexuality is kinda odd and is multifaceted. A lot of sexual folk describe to me that when a person gets aroused, there's a mental and physical factor. Mentally, it's the "want" for sexual activity, and you physically get "turned on". In asexuals, this mental-physical connection is almost nonexistent or very faint. The best way I can describe it is like a computer trying to read a file it cannot support. E.G: You have "sexual_attraction.xxxfile" and you attempt to open it in a program like "Ace_System.app", the app simply cannot compute it. Keeping with the whole computer analogy, he just doesn't support the Sexual Attraction file type, and you do. That's nobody's fault, and a lot of partners in mixed relationships tend to pin blame on either themselves or their partner if/when the relationship doesn't work. With physical stimulation, you can get "turned on" but in aces, that mental component is just...not there.

 

Another thing I'd like to say: thank you for not throwing your husband under the bus. A lot of stories on here tend to be very one sided and knowing that you're doing your best to try and take your SO into consideration is refreshing to read. Not that he's doing the most he can, just from reading your posts i do feel he could be doing a bit more. Sex doesn't have to be all PIV, there's other things to do that can allow for sexual intimacy that don't require whipping a willy out (which i only learned by browsing AVEN, the irony)

 

However, be aware that if you do some form of sexual activity with him, he won't outright desire you. That's just a hard fact of being in a mixed relationship with an ace. Some people are able to work around this, and the ace in the relationship takes enjoyment in pleasuring your partner. However, if you genuinely feel that the lack of sexual desire can throw a wrench into the relationship, then (with proper communication) you can either open the relationship or bring in a third party. If you're iffy on polyamory though, I would strongly advise against the second option there.

 

If you do decide to continue with the relationship, just be aware that it's okay to grieve. It's okay to grieve for the lack of desire, it's okay to grieve for those passion-filled nights that never happened. Just as how your hubby can grieve, you can too. Compromise has to come from both sides. Isn't that the point of a relationship, to share the burden together?

 

And, if you guys can't work it out, then just know that there's no shame in letting things go. People are weird. Sometimes things just don't match, and that's just how it be. There's no shame in that. However, just know that there are people out there who have managed to make it work, even though it is difficult. There's a thread of success stories floating around here somewhere, so if it pops up I'd recommend giving it a read.

 

Making this relationship work will be difficult. Whether that difficulty is worth it, is entirely up to you two. Sending good vibes your way, and good luck!

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PittyKitty

Thank you @MiraMeyneth.   Your words were helpful and comforting. It makes me feel as if I've done what I can and should do. I've never tried to shame him, I knew it wasn't his fault, even before we knew what "it" was. I was initially happy and comforted to have a term for the way he is. I am still glad there are others who understand him and also me. I would like to think I've been as understanding as one could be, but for me it's obvious that something is missing for me. I don't want to split or anything, but I'm finding it hard to be truly happy. I guess I am doing what you said, I am grieving for what we will never have. I'm sad and testy, I don't always realize why, but when I dig deep down, I know why. It's hard to accept that if I stay married and I stay faithful, I will probably never have "real" sex again with someone who desires me. That's tough. I would be okay having someone else to fulfill those needs, I do believe that I deserve that. I do know however that that's a slippery slope, especially as a woman because we form feelings typically. I obviously have issues with this. I've gotten quick tempered and we argue often. My husband is a good man, I know that. I struggle with this for myself though. 

 

You are completely on target with your assessment of having sexual contact with an Ace person (sorry, I'm new to the terminology). I always knew he wasn't really into it. He was always so uncomfortable. There was never any amount of urgency as there would be from me. I figured it out a long time ago that he wasn't like me. I've completely approaching him to "come upstairs" with me. I can't get into it knowing now that he feels nothing. Adding to that all, we are really never intimate in non-sexual ways either. It's like we are roommates. We are good friends and have open and easy conversations, but we're missing that component that I need. I talked to a therapist awhile back who asked me how long did I think I could deal with this? She said it couldn't work. It was hard to hear. I'm just lost and angry. I don't want to be angry, but I'm upset basically just for what I'm missing. 

 

I'm sorry to go on and on, but thank you for reading. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. 

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PittyKitty

@MrDane  Thank you for your reply, I haven't been on here in awhile. I have given up on initiating any sexual contact. I'm glad I know what I now know, but I don't want to be with him in that way knowing it's kind of like how you described it.... An appointment or a chore. We could and can have done other things besides intercourse , but there is no real intimacy there. I can tell he's uncomfortable and not at all feeling what I could feel if I was with someone who wanted to be there. I enjoyed at least him laying a hand on me, but his discomfort made me uncomfortable. We have good communication and conversation, but things are tough. I don't want to get divorced, but I'm having a hard time in general. I'm more quick tempered than ever and just feel generally unhappy, which really stinks because I have lost a ton of weight in the last year and feel great physically. This strain is overtaking that unfortunately. Also just fyi, I did not lose it for my husband. I knew my weight wasn't the issue for him before. Thanks for responding too, it's nice to be able to vent. I'm dealing with this alone because I don't want to embarrass my husband. Many people wouldn't understand. 

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Memento1

Hey PittyKitty!  Sorry you've been going through this and feeling dejected.  These kind of situations are always so sad to hear about.

 

11 hours ago, PittyKitty said:

I'm dealing with this alone because I don't want to embarrass my husband.

Well there's a few issues here.  Trying to deal with this alone will not help.  You need social and emotional support for these kinds of difficult problems.  If you don't feel comfortable talking with a friend, then a therapist at least.  You have just as much pain and shame surrounding this problem as he does, and you deserve to have that distress dealt with as well.  I hope you will find someone to share your feelings with.  Second, when you say you don't want to embarrass your husband, you imply it is something to be embarrassed about.  Being embarrassed about this (either from him, you, or from both of you) strengthens feelings of shame, guilt, and inadequacy that will make communication and problem-solving even harder.

 

There's different problem-solving pathways that can be taken, but all are pretty much doomed to failure if there's not excellent communication and validation from both ends.  Feelings of shame, hurt, anger, bitterness, abandonment, and isolation will sabotage any progress, so should be dealt with first.  Many potential pathways are outside-the-box, so both of you should be open to trying unconventional plans.  If you don't feel you have the emotional energy for both of these steps, that's completely understandable.  Many times all of someone's patience has been used up before even getting to this stage, and no one can make that call but you.

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PittyKitty

@Memento1  Thank you for your reply. I'm working towards trying to figure out where to go from here. Also, just to be clear, I do not feel as if my husband has something to be embarrassed about. I have never made him feel that way, I have always been understanding. My husband's line of work would be considered a more "macho" environment. HE wouldn't want his coworkers and friends to know this about him. Knowing what I know of him, he would prefer if I kept this between us, or a therapist if we chose to see one. 

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anisotrophic
On 12/12/2019 at 12:38 AM, PittyKitty said:

fyi, I did not lose it for my husband.

I lost a lot of weight ironically once I understood it wouldn't help, but I'm really happy I did that! Congrats 👏 it's hard work!

 

@Memento1 is right to observe that internalizing shame is a problem, even if one has no control over how others respond & there's a reality that not having others know is best.

 

13 hours ago, PittyKitty said:

a therapist if we chose to see one

I think this really helped us; or possibly separate therapists to allow you to voice things that you know shouldn't be said  directly to each other (that is, not without working through the feeling first with the therapist). Not all therapists are good matches for a person/situation, but can be really helpful if you do find one.

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