Peggy Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 I've been w/F for 4 yrs.We were all over each for the 1st 3 mths, then the sex gradually tapered to nothing, All the while, he kept telling me that sex was not important, the person was & the emotional connection is what's important. He would say "What happens to people when the lust is gone, & they haven't made a emotional bond, the relationship ends." I agree, however, he doesn't touch me at all. No, he's not cheating, he's always home for one thing & we go everywhere together, & he's somewhat of an obsessive neat freak who can't stand stuff, especially bodily fluids on him. The last time we had sex was 1 yr ago, no foreplay, no kissing, none of that, just right to the act - then the bathroom to wash (me first, then him), yet we're so close & he takes excellent care of me. If he is, then I can deal better, if not - then I have a problem! By the way, I'm sexual. Can anyone shed some light, please! Thanks, Peggy Link to post Share on other sites
Roofie Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 He definitely could be, but I tend not to think that just because someone hasn't been having sex lately, that the person is an asexual. Maybe he's just no longer wanting to have sex at this time, or maybe the passion and lust is gone for him. It's hard to just understand if someone is asexual or not from the description you gave (for me, at least). Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 I dunno... sounds like he might be asexual to me, or just has a naturally low sex drive, which some people do. Link to post Share on other sites
Peggy Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 How do I tell? I mean, after the 1st 3 mths, sex became non-existant. How long can a person not want sex at this time? Doesn't he ever feel aroused? I'm confused. Thanks for the reply, you really helped! Link to post Share on other sites
Peggy Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 Thank you guys!! Link to post Share on other sites
ghosts Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 I'm moving this over to For Sexual Partners, Friends & Allies. I think it's a possibility that he is asexual, but I couldn't know for sure. Some asexuals feel arousal, some do not. If they experience arousal, there is no desire/need to act on that arousal with another person. Some asexuals hate having sex, some are indifferent, some can enjoy it for various reasons- but they just don't feel any sexual attraction. I think it would be really beneficial to talk to him about this. Not necessarily saying, "Hey, are you asexual?", but talking to him about the lack of sex, and how he's feeling and why he feels that way... Communication is important, otherwise you won't have any idea what's going on with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Dixie Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 I think it would be really beneficial to talk to him about this. Not necessarily saying, "Hey, are you asexual?", but talking to him about the lack of sex, and how he's feeling and why he feels that way... Communication is important, otherwise you won't have any idea what's going on with him. I second that. Link to post Share on other sites
sonofzeal Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Does he masturbate and/or deal with arrousal in some other form? If not, he likely just has a low sex drive. But if he does masturbate but doesn'tdesire sex (with you or with anyone else), then it's likely he's asexual. ...not that all asexuals masturbate, but it rules out low sex drive, which would be the other likely cause. Link to post Share on other sites
Eta Carinae Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 He doesn't sound asexual to me, since you were "all over each other" at first. I mean, I guess he could have changed, but coupled with the freaking out about bodily fluids, it sounds like he might have some deeper issues going on. Whether he's asexual or not, though, you definitely should talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
T_Hinker Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 When two people first meet you have the 'infatuation phase' During this phase sex is frequent. This phase wears off by about 6 months in. By then you should know if there is a deep enough 'love' to tide you through marriage. (Divorce is rampant these days with people saying I Love you but I'm not IN love with you. They think Infatuation IS love, it's not, it's just a phase.) I for one did not Know I was Asexual. I went through a 15 yr marriage and a couple of long relationships. I was 'conditioned' I knew what was 'expected'. I hated it but I did it. I always felt lucky that at least I was female. I did not have to 'perform'. My SO's always griped that I did not 'initiate' sex (ick). You have come to the right topic to help understand the complexities and problems that may be involved. Also see: http://asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic...asc&start=0 In the last couple of pages Chiaroscuro (a man married to an asexual) is trying to dissect asexuality in order to understand his asexual wife. In his case it looks like his love for her is strong enough to provide willingness to investigate and find some compromise. My opinion; find out all you can. Make your decisions and then approach him gently and without condemnation. Show him this site if you strongly suspect he fits. Give him time to digest what he discovers here. He may be unaware. Remember that it will be new on him and may take time to seep in. (I've been here a month and it's still seeping.) In the meantime, you read and decide how you'd like things to go, what compromises would be acceptible and what would not. If you are young and you need more, well welcome to hard choices. If you are a bit older and the connection you have with him is special enough that it's worth the rough spot then you never know what compromises you can handle. At the very least if you find that he is indeed asexual the one thing you will be rewarded with is the ABSOLUTE knowledge that he will never cheat on you! Link to post Share on other sites
Peggy Posted October 7, 2006 Author Share Posted October 7, 2006 First of all thanks to all of you who took the time to respond to me. I truly appreciate the help. I have been thinking about what all of you had to say. I am leaning towards him being asexual. One of you asked if he masturbated, & yes, he does - he thinks I don't know about it. Talking to him about it may be difficult, we're both 40 yrs old, no kids, together for 4 yrs, both of us are Italian from NY. Hear what I said? He's ITALIAN - macho city! He will take the sex conversation as a blow to his ego, a man is supposed to take care of his women is every way & he does, except for the bedroom department. Women on TV, magazines - beautiful ones that invoke some type of response in men - don't seem to have any affect on him. I purposely leave out my Victoria Secret Mags or Fredericks of Hollywood, because, after all, all the men I've even known (except for the gay ones) swipe that mag so fast & head for the bathroom!! But not him, he just glances down at it on the table, then keeps on walking. We do have a strong enough bond to get through this & stay together I know he loves me & I love him, I feel as if I really needed to know. You guys have helped me understand more in the past few days then the last couple of yrs!! If anyone has more insight, please share......Thanks, Peggy Link to post Share on other sites
secretstar Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 How do I tell? I mean, after the 1st 3 mths, sex became non-existant. How long can a person not want sex at this time? Doesn't he ever feel aroused? I'm confused. Thanks for the reply, you really helped! Recheck. I read your last post. If he is over or around 40, its a low sex drive. The male sex drive naturally falls off for alot of men when they get around that age. You should have specified the age. There is a big difference for a male who throughout his life is asexual, and somebody in thier late thirties and forties losing thier sex drive. Link to post Share on other sites
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