How do I respect my (a)sexuality while respecting my boyfriends sexuality as well?

[ace_of_kats]

Hey all,

 

I've been in a beautiful loving relationship for a bit over a year now. I finally came to terms with being asexual about a month after we started dating. He has been completely supportive and understanding from day 1 and has never asked me to do anything I am uncomfortable with. We are very open and honest with each other and we love each other very much. A couple of months ago he brought up the fact that while he completely respects my sexuality, he is really struggling with the lack of sexual interaction. We talked and I suggested we try having an open relationship as the thought of having sex even sometimes makes me very uncomfortable. I think I would feel okay with him seeing someone else as long as they were down with the situation but I don't think I would want it to be a long term thing and my boyfriend also feels the same way. So...

 

Should we just break up now to avoid it hurting down the road?

Is there another solution to this problem that we haven't thought of yet?

 

Any experience or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys *hugs*

[uhtred]

I've been in a mismatched marriage for over 30 years. (me sexual, my wife, nearly asexual).  My advice - don't do it.  Sex is just too important a part of a relationship for many sexuals,  too tightly tied to feelings of romance and love. 

 

If you had been married a long time, I'd suggest trying to find ways to compromise. Maybe there are some sexual things you don't mind, or maybe an open relationship works.  In your case though, this sounds like a short term relationship. Its no one's fault but you are just not compatible. 

 

I love my wife, but this problem has cast a shadow over what would otherwise be a near perfect romantic relationship.   I never get used to not having sex, the desire never goes away.  She never gets used to sex - she is not repulsed, but is rarely interested.  

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear,

 

 

[SithLord]

21 minutes ago, ace_of_kats said:

A couple of months ago he brought up the fact that while he completely respects my sexuality, he is really struggling with the lack of sexual interaction. We talked and I suggested we try having an open relationship as the thought of having sex even sometimes makes me very uncomfortable. I think I would feel okay with him seeing someone else as long as they were down with the situation but I don't think I would want it to be a long term thing and my boyfriend also feels the same way.

Unfortunately, it looks like you might be incompatible sexually. Mixed relationships work because of a middle ground. I have sex with my boyfriend so he's happy, he deals with less than his ideal amount of sex because he knows I wouldn't be able to handle more. Other partnerships have more or less sex, and I think a few(?) have no sex, but I'm not sure how those have worked out. 

 

You don't want sex.

He does want sex. (He needs sex.)

An open or polyamorous relationship wouldn't work for either of you long term.

To me, that feels incompatible. Not that you're not respecting the other's sexuality, but that you're just not meant to be together. Not every person can be in a mixed relationship, and that's okay. It's best for such individuals to call things off before it gets harder. 

 

You can try to find a compromise. I find the best compromise makes everyone satisified, if not perfectly content. Like, my ideal would be no sex. My boyfriend's ideal would be more sex. We both find a middle ground that works. It took a lot of effort from both of us, but we're here. Others have open/poly relationships, but those aren't for everyone. Mixed relationships aren't easy, and everyone's compromise is different.

[AceMissBehaving]

Mixed relationships are tricky, and honestly I’m not sure if they ever stop being tricky. I would never tell someone to call off a relationship, but it’s not possible to fully honor your asexuality and his sexuality. At least that has been my personal experience 

[brbdogsonfire]

Sexual here. If you decide to try to find a compromise (sounds like it would not work for you and that's ok) it's not something that goes away in time. Many sexuals have a slow dwindling of sex drive as they age but it's not the massive drop that people seem to claim it is. I have a very low drive according to what people have said and my ideal is once a week. So It can be a lot, and you should be aware of that before you consider a compromise.

 

The good news is if you two break up while being able to respect each other's boundaries it could be a fairly mutual break up which would allow you two to stay friends.