Artistic__Miles Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Touch starvation is exactly what it sounds like: a strong desire to be touched, usually with affection. For people that experience it, it can manifest in a range of ways. From occasional feelings of loneliness and a need to be w/ people, to uneasy tingling all over the body along with an urgent desire for physical contact and experiencing anxiety and feelings of isolation if said contact is not made (how I feel it), to an intense burning sensation that can only be relieved by human touch and can cause someone to experience deep isolation or mania. So, it begs the question: in societies where most personal or affectionate touch is reserved for partners, does that leave ace and aros at a greater vulnerability for touch starvation? Link to post Share on other sites
LizardBoy Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 as a guy who doesn't experience romantic attraction, is very touch starved, has a phobia of being touched by people and generally doesn't have very many close friends i can say that having pets really helps a lot! i have a leopard gecko named travis and any time i feel the need to feel connected with something/someone me and him just vibe together. i also have one close friend who i am comfortable with hugging and kissing platonically and not getting anxiety attacks from it. these types of things really help me. and yes, to answer the actual question lmao, i think it does because if you don't have a partner or something like that it does open you up to crave human connection and people often think it's weird to do things you would with a partner- like cuddling, hugging, etc- with a friend Link to post Share on other sites
Pinball Wizard Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Interesting topic. By nature and nurture I'm not really a touchy, sit close and cuddle person. But I always oggle at hugging and sitting really close to your s/o on shows (mostly if its not a sexual relationship). Because of a not-so-great childhood, I developed a touch for really soft blankets I could hug and cry into lol, instead of people. Cue the world's tinniest violin lmao. So, I don't really know what it's like to be person-touch starved but I get it. If you can find an in-person ace or aro group or maybe you find a "queer/quasi platonic" partner thingy, I don't think you are necessarily more starved. In my opinion, it depends on where you live, how social you are and if you can find people not bound to the personal affection=partner thing. idk Link to post Share on other sites
firewallflower Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Skin hunger is something I've heard and read people talking about before, and while of course I believed their experiences, it wasn't something I could really personally relate to. General feelings of loneliness/isolation I'm very familiar with, but not touch-specific. Lately, though, I've found myself feeling that deprivation in a way I don't remember having before. I'm not sure what, if anything, to chalk this new feeling up to (it's not as if I'm suddenly getting less human contact than I used to) - perhaps it's just a buildup over time that only recently finally came to my attention, or something hormonal, or who knows - but, as someone who is very shy, struggles to connect with those around me, and also tends towards mild touch-aversion... well, it's not easy to fulfill that want. Personally, if asexuality/aromanticism is partly at fault for my difficulty, it's only a small part. It may just be the particular environment I'm in, but I do see non-partner physical touch going on around me; just today, I was sitting near some people and one of them asked for a hug... and got it (fairly certain they were purely friends, nothing romantic going on). No half-hearted one-arm embrace - just a real, warm, affectionate hug (I confess, I was just slightly envious). That said, I think your theory is probably correct to an extent. There are definitely societal norms at play that tend to discourage platonic touch, and I find that sad. I may also see it becoming even more of an issue around me with age, as more and more people permanently pair up? Just a hypothesis there... At any rate, I wouldn't be surprised if aces/aros/single people in general are more likely to experience touch starvation. It's an interesting thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Artistic__Miles Posted November 14, 2019 Author Share Posted November 14, 2019 9 hours ago, LizardBoy said: i have a leopard gecko named travis and any time i feel the need to feel connected with something/someone me and him just vibe together. Dude that's so chill. Tell Travis that I love him Link to post Share on other sites
kiaroskuro Posted November 15, 2019 Share Posted November 15, 2019 On 11/14/2019 at 2:40 AM, DistressedAro said: So, it begs the question: in societies where most personal or affectionate touch is reserved for partners, does that leave ace and aros at a greater vulnerability for touch starvation? Good question. Yes, I do think that there's something to it. In my country/culture people are (justifiably, imho) seen as standoffish, reserved - and I'm the embodiment of the stereotype, and the opposite of a huggy person. But I'm not exactly happy about it, and I would totally move to another country for the sole reason that their society is more touch-oriented and that they have an "emotionally warmer" climate. Link to post Share on other sites
LizardBoy Posted November 16, 2019 Share Posted November 16, 2019 On 11/14/2019 at 6:54 AM, DistressedAro said: Dude that's so chill. Tell Travis that I love him will do! Link to post Share on other sites
Lunala Posted November 16, 2019 Share Posted November 16, 2019 I get this a LOT. Like it's strange, because I'm usually pretty touch-repelled but at the same time, ever since I was young I always got pangs for what I now know to be a QPR (back then I didn't know the name of it, I didn't know what it was called until I was 14) Link to post Share on other sites
Kimmie. Posted November 16, 2019 Share Posted November 16, 2019 Yeah i have experienced that lately. Link to post Share on other sites
Custard Cream Posted November 16, 2019 Share Posted November 16, 2019 I'm married, so it's been a long time since hugs were not available on demand, and I hate the thought of that. If someone you had only recently met but got on well with - say, at an ace meetup - offered you a hug, how would you feel about that? Would touch need to be agreed as part of a deeper and more trusting relationship, like a QPR situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted November 16, 2019 Share Posted November 16, 2019 I don't experience this, I'm touch averse, but I'd accept a partner who wants snuggles, compromise et al Link to post Share on other sites
Artistic__Miles Posted November 16, 2019 Author Share Posted November 16, 2019 13 hours ago, Custard Cream said: I'm married, so it's been a long time since hugs were not available on demand, and I hate the thought of that. If someone you had only recently met but got on well with - say, at an ace meetup - offered you a hug, how would you feel about that? Would touch need to be agreed as part of a deeper and more trusting relationship, like a QPR situation? Personally I enjoy hugs even with friends that aren't close so I'd probably feel pretty good about that Link to post Share on other sites
Ringmaster04 Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 For most of my sexual friends, I equate this feeling to their use of "thirsty". I'm very big on touch and have a very strong need for it and yes, going without for a long time leaves me with increasing feelings of loneliness. Touch starvation doesn't (or at least hasn't yet) led to any physical manifestation, but that might be because I've addressed it before it has gotten to that point each time. I'm fortunate enough to live in a highly populated liberal area and have a lot of friends that are "huggers", have access to bars and clubs where there is a lot of sensual stuff on the dance floor, and to have a best friend that understands this about me and helps me with it to the extent he is comfortable with. Link to post Share on other sites
zzkitty42 Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 I know this is just my experience, and maybe it's just my friends, but I feel like it's pretty common for someone to ask for a hug, and get one, no questions asked (and it's not interpreted as romantic at all). Especially because I'm involved in the theater department and we all get really close, but there's a healthy amount of emphasis put on consent- always asking if you want a hug, high-five, whatever. This is really nice, because I definitely feel that touch starvation feeling sometimes, though maybe it's also partly anxiety? there's been times where I've been really stressed out and I felt like if I could just get a hug it would really help. Link to post Share on other sites
twetzel59 Posted November 18, 2019 Share Posted November 18, 2019 On 11/13/2019 at 8:40 PM, DistressedAro said: From occasional feelings of loneliness and a need to be w/ people, to uneasy tingling all over the body along with an urgent desire for physical contact and experiencing anxiety and feelings of isolation if said contact is not made (how I feel it), to an intense burning sensation that can only be relieved by human touch and can cause someone to experience deep isolation or mania. I've been so lonely and isolated lately, even though I'm surrounded by people, and I'm beginning to think it's due to lack of touch. A friend offered me a hug yesterday, and it felt so satisfying to just be close to another human. Worse, I just moved away for college, so I'm away from my cat, whom I used to stroke constantly 🙁 Link to post Share on other sites
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