Non-binary Aces

[cp1213]

Since there is a thread dedicated for asexual men and woman, I thought it would be nice if there is a place where non-binary aces chat together here and discuss what it is like to be asexual where the majority expects you to be allosexual because it is the norm. If you are questioning, or consider yourself in the non-binary spectrum, feel free to drop by. It's ok to rant here if you like as well uwu. 

(P.S. this is not in gender discussion because this post focuses on asexuality) 

To start off, I have to come out more than once to explain two different facets of my identity, but sometimes people who accept me being asexual might not accept that I'm non-binary, (specifically agender) and vise versa. It is also hard to find a community that accepts me as well. Gatekeeping of asexuality is common online and I have to explain why I belong in the community. I'm glad to have found out AVEN. Many of the members are welcoming and kind here, plus I get to have free cake ^^!  

[ColeHW34]

How many NB chats are we going to need? Haha

 

[Rynn]

Actually yeah, why not. There are things about being both agender and asexual that I haven't really talked about because I don't feel they deserve their own thread. This is a good idea  

 

Do any of you guys ever feel like you need to pick one? Like, if I come out to someone as ace, then I'm hesitant to let them know I'm also non-binary, or I'll at least have a long period between those different coming out's, because I don't want them to be like "Okay alright, now you're just making shit up. How likely is it really that you happen to be both of these rare things? I think you're just confused and spent too much time on tumblr (not that I'm actually on tumblr, ever, but I'll think people will think that)."

Generally, people are nice enough to accept one queer thing about you, but two? Pushing it. Now add the panromanticism and we're really going overboard.

That's partially my own insecurities speaking, but also partially based on experience with how people reacted to me in the past.

 

On the other end of the spectrum, you've got the people who think that my asexuality is an extreme version of my being agender, or vice versa. They think both identities are somehow the same. 

Has anyone experienced this? Can you explain this reasoning to me haha?

[wyrdwyrm]

Oh! This segues nicely into my agender shower thoughts - if one doesn't have a 'self' gender to identify with, maybe that would make it harder to be hetero- (opposite gender as self) or homo- (same as self) sexual?

 

This sounded more clever in my head.

Stupid shower thoughts!

 

In any case, I knew at a young age that I didn't like the either of the traditional feminine or masculine stereotypes. When people started to get sexually interested in each other, I knew I didn't want that either so I put more effort into being more androgynous so I wouldn't have to deal with anyone being interested in me. So, while I know these are two separate aspects of myself, I think societal pressures have linked them together more strongly over time & I can see how they would look like one entire thing to an outside party.

[ColeHW34]

I hardly fit into masculine or feminine stereotypes. I mainly stayed in my bubble during elementary, middle, and junior high school. I did get along well with some kids but I just watched and read books and only drew photos of dining rooms for some reason.

Then once High school and my first year of LCC (local community college), I became friends and adopted the term Nonbinary seeing how I don't fit in.

[wyrdwyrm]

1 minute ago, Member114264 said:

and only drew photos of dining rooms for some reason.

I have to ask...what types of dining rooms did you prefer to draw?

[ColeHW34]

3 minutes ago, wyrdwyrm said:

I have to ask...what types of dining rooms did you prefer to draw?

Ones with hard oakwood chairs, apples and oranges and with wine bottles. 

I have no clue why so specific but whatever I guess.

[wyrdwyrm]

1 minute ago, Member114264 said:

Ones with hard oakwood chairs, apples and oranges and with wine bottles. 

I have no clue why so specific but whatever I guess.

Brains are funny things! I'm always interested when someone ends up with an unusual focus like that.  

[ColeHW34]

1 minute ago, wyrdwyrm said:

Brains are funny things! I'm always interested when someone ends up with an unusual focus like that.  

Let me tell you something about unusual focus. 😂

I can fly a small plane better than I can drive, I prefer eating sweet potatoes over most candy, and I out did all of my family member's coin collections in 3 years time.

[wyrdwyrm]

30 minutes ago, Member114264 said:

Let me tell you something about unusual focus. 😂

I can fly a small plane better than I can drive, I prefer eating sweet potatoes over most candy, and I out did all of my family member's coin collections in 3 years time.

That's amazing! (Kudos for knowing how to fly, btw!)

I'm the weirdo who hates potatoes, so...eeeeeeeeewwwwww... 🤣

Re: coins - foreign coins or domestic? (When I was a kid, collecting coins from around the world was all the rage, and I think I still have mine...but then I'm more of a magpie, collecting shiny things to caw over later.)

[NylaTheWolf]

I uh, think I count. I mean, I use two labels: "girl" and "fluidflux".

 

Fluidflux is a mix of genderfluid and genderflux (the intensity of your gender changes; like you're sometimes 50% a girl and 100% a girl and completely agender). For me, I'm more genderflux, oftentimes I don't feel 100% female and sometimes I can't tell and it gets "staticky". Sometimes, a fraction of me is male and it just appears like "hello im here now". It's weird.

 

A good analogy would be a light. Genderfluid is when the light changes colors. Genderflux is when it stays one color but changes brightness. Fluidflux is when it changes colors AND brightness.

 

I'm still figuring myself out though, and this is all new to me but hopefully I feel less confused soon. Maybe I'm just genderflux, idk.

 

Sorry for sounding a bit like a special snowflake ^^'

[ColeHW34]

17 minutes ago, wyrdwyrm said:

Re: coins - foreign coins or domestic? (When I was a kid, collecting coins from around the world was all the rage, and I think I still have mine...but then I'm more of a magpie, collecting shiny things to caw over later.)

I just collect foreign coins and paper money. I have Nigeria, North Korea, USSR, EU, Sweden, Mexico, Nazi germany, Wermergeode (A part of post WW1 Germany), and the list goes on.

I mainly hunt for countries that I don't have.

[BlakeTheNightowl~]

ima aro-ace agender here ^-^ 

[wyrdwyrm]

3 hours ago, Member114264 said:

I just collect foreign coins and paper money. I have Nigeria, North Korea, USSR, EU, Sweden, Mexico, Nazi germany, Wermergeode (A part of post WW1 Germany), and the list goes on.

I mainly hunt for countries that I don't have.

Fun! If you ever get the chance, see if you can find paper money from pre-EU Switzerland - I remember that being gorgeous in the 90s.

[ColeHW34]

11 minutes ago, wyrdwyrm said:

Fun! If you ever get the chance, see if you can find paper money from pre-EU Switzerland - I remember that being gorgeous in the 90s.

I already have some!

[wyrdwyrm]

24 minutes ago, Member114264 said:

I already have some!

NICE! I think that's the currency I most regretted spending all of.

[KoiFishShoes]

6 hours ago, NylaTheWolf said:

I'm still figuring myself out though, and this is all new to me but hopefully I feel less confused soon. Maybe I'm just genderflux, idk.

I'm exploring whether or not I'm genderflux, too, and that's okay. We are all works in progress.

[Custard Cream]

Another confused NB here. By the time I very belatedly discovered the genderflux concept and realised it finally explained things, menopause happened and changed everything again.  I usually feel agender or only slightly female now. It's been several months since the last timd I felt truly female. Gender terminology confuses me terribly, so I'm just sticking to NB for now.

 

I don't discuss gender with anyone outside this forum.  I am far more open about being ace, but even then, there are lots of people I haven't told, including all my family and older friends.

[wyrdwyrm]

3 hours ago, Custard Cream said:

I don't discuss gender with anyone outside this forum.  I am far more open about being ace, but even then, there are lots of people I haven't told, including all my family and older friends.

*Hugs*

 

It's tough, because the language isn't quite mainstream yet, so you have to explain it all cold instead of just saying "I'm ____" and having people understand.

On the plus side, my friend stumbled across a LGBT+ CE program (Continuing Education to maintain certification) in the medical field also included gender. One of the terms he mentioned learning there was 'two-spirit', so it's inching its way along!

[ColeHW34]

Then about 7 out of my 11 friends weren't cis or hetero in high school.

We were the basically the outcasts of the outcasts and caused some chaos here and there.

[cp1213]

55 minutes ago, Member114264 said:

Then about 7 out of my 11 friends weren't cis or hetero in high school.

We were the basically the outcasts of the outcasts and caused some chaos here and there.

7/11 xDDD

6 of my 8 friends aren't cis or hetero so it's like we instinctively "get" each other 

[ColeHW34]

6 minutes ago, cp1213 said:

7/11 xDDD

6 of my 8 friends aren't cis or hetero so it's like we instinctively "get" each other 

I was dragged into my high school's lgbt and ace and/or aro community just for becoming best friends with one of them and then there I was.

I honestly never heard of the lgbt community in a positive light and terms until I became friends with Kallnah all the way in early 10th grade.

 

 

[cp1213]

2 hours ago, Member114264 said:

I was dragged into my high school's lgbt and ace and/or aro community just for becoming best friends with one of them and then there I was.

I honestly never heard of the lgbt community in a positive light and terms until I became friends with Kallnah all the way in early 10th grade.

 

 

Oh that's nice! My first friend in high school was pan and I started to research more about lgbtq. That's when I realized I was ace, and also (maybe) non-binary as well. I'm still not sure about my gender, but I'm figuring it out. 

There's a lgbtq club at my school as well but I never joined, partly because I was busy, but also I was kinda scared that they don't acknowledge asexual people. I hear acephobic remarks all the time at my school rip. 

 

 

[ColeHW34]

10 minutes ago, cp1213 said:

There's a lgbtq club at my school as well but I never joined, partly because I was busy, but also I was kinda scared that they don't acknowledge asexual people. I hear acephobic remarks all the time at my school rip. 

Same here unfortunately when I was at high school.

I just reported it ruthlessly if anyone made homophobic, transphobic, acephobic and so on comments.

[cp1213]

57 minutes ago, Member114264 said:

Same here unfortunately when I was at high school.

I just reported it ruthlessly if anyone made homophobic, transphobic, acephobic and so on comments.

Oh yea I should do that next time when that happens.

On a positive note, my sex ed teacher talked about the basics of asexuality and it's really nice that she cleared up a lot of misconceptions like how it is not the same as celibacy and some aces date. 

[cp1213]

On 11/12/2019 at 2:45 PM, Laurann said:

Actually yeah, why not. There are things about being both agender and asexual that I haven't really talked about because I don't feel they deserve their own thread. This is a good idea  

 

Do any of you guys ever feel like you need to pick one? Like, if I come out to someone as ace, then I'm hesitant to let them know I'm also non-binary, or I'll at least have a long period between those different coming out's, because I don't want them to be like "Okay alright, now you're just making shit up. How likely is it really that you happen to be both of these rare things? I think you're just confused and spent too much time on tumblr (not that I'm actually on tumblr, ever, but I'll think people will think that)."

Generally, people are nice enough to accept one queer thing about you, but two? Pushing it. Now add the panromanticism and we're really going overboard.

That's partially my own insecurities speaking, but also partially based on experience with how people reacted to me in the past.

 

On the other end of the spectrum, you've got the people who think that my asexuality is an extreme version of my being agender, or vice versa. They think both identities are somehow the same. 

Has anyone experienced this? Can you explain this reasoning to me haha?

I could relate to that a lot it hurts.

Agender and Asexual start with the prefix a- so people think that there is a correlation to each other. That is far from true; the prefix a means "not" or "without". 

Agender: "without" gender

Asexual: "not" sexual

Interestingly for me, since I am asexual, I don't have an indicator that distinguish the difference between guys and girls. That might have influenced me since I don't have the pressure to look attractive and never valued my defining characteristics (chest, curves, hips.etc) as a AFAB person. 

[cp1213]

On 11/12/2019 at 3:20 PM, wyrdwyrm said:

Oh! This segues nicely into my agender shower thoughts - if one doesn't have a 'self' gender to identify with, maybe that would make it harder to be hetero- (opposite gender as self) or homo- (same as self) sexual?

 

This sounded more clever in my head.

Stupid shower thoughts!

 

In any case, I knew at a young age that I didn't like the either of the traditional feminine or masculine stereotypes. When people started to get sexually interested in each other, I knew I didn't want that either so I put more effort into being more androgynous so I wouldn't have to deal with anyone being interested in me. So, while I know these are two separate aspects of myself, I think societal pressures have linked them together more strongly over time & I can see how they would look like one entire thing to an outside party.

That sounds interesting!

I wonder since heterosexual/romantic means attracted to the opposite gender, would that technically also include non-binary people as well because it is a gender by itself that is different from male or female.  

I feel weird out the fact other people could be sexually attracted to me, so I wear a lot of baggy clothing; it's really comfortable and warm, plus where I'm living is cold so no one questioned it either.

[Skycaptain]

I like the idea of a thread where we we can talk. As someone who has "don't do as advertised" male tackle, has a clinical diagnosis of IHH (otherwise known as they don't know) is universally taken as being female on the telephone, and falls within the UN definition of intersex, yuuup 

[wyrdwyrm]

7 hours ago, cp1213 said:

That sounds interesting!

I wonder since heterosexual/romantic means attracted to the opposite gender, would that technically also include non-binary people as well because it is a gender by itself that is different from male or female.  

I feel weird out the fact other people could be sexually attracted to me, so I wear a lot of baggy clothing; it's really comfortable and warm, plus where I'm living is cold so no one questioned it either.

In general, people would be attracted to how you appear despite how you may feel inside - but I suppose if someone looked truly androgynous, I'm...not sure? Either the people attracted to them might be pan, or they might get hetero-/homosexual people of all genders hitting on them.  

 

6 hours ago, Skycaptain said:

I like the idea of a thread where we we can talk. As someone who has "don't do as advertised" male tackle, has a clinical diagnosis of IHH (otherwise known as they don't know) is universally taken as being female on the telephone, and falls within the UN definition of intersex, yuuup 

I had to look up IHH and before I found the one you were referring to, I stumbled across this:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedgehog_signaling_pathway

Science is delightfully weird.  

[Guest]

I've am seen as a submissive person. Yet with males I can be very aggressive when I feel attacked emotionally. I do not hang out much around with females unless they are lesbian or need help with issues. Aside from that I tend to avoid social norms.