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Non-binary Aces


cp1213

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1 hour ago, cp1213 said:

 

Hi there!

Cis by default is another term refering to cis-genderless so it's the same thing. 

I see. That's interesting to know.  Indifferent agender would be closer to experiencing no or little dysphoria, but that could be hard to tell since it feels similar to cis-genderless since they both have no sense of what gender is. 

In my case, I think I'm closer to indifferent agender. I'm not sure if I experience dysphoria or not; if I do it's barely noticeable. I just prefer not to have so many defining characteristics (hips and curves) that make me look feminine. 

I didn't know~

I'm of the dysphoric kind, so I can't speak for these people. 

About that, it can be hard to tell how much of my disgust of my gendered characteristics is dysphoria and how much is being a sex-repulsed ace. I don't want my body to look feminine or masculine or ''sexy'' (meaning with sexualised traits). 

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On 11/22/2019 at 11:34 AM, PoeciMeta said:

I didn't know~

I'm of the dysphoric kind, so I can't speak for these people. 

About that, it can be hard to tell how much of my disgust of my gendered characteristics is dysphoria and how much is being a sex-repulsed ace. I don't want my body to look feminine or masculine or ''sexy'' (meaning with sexualised traits). 

I agree with you on that. Being ace I also feel the same way about my body since it looks too feminine and I would be weirded out if people started looking at me sexually as well.

In this case, I like to ask myself: if feminine or masculine characteristics are free of sexual connotations, would I’ll be ok with my body? 

I would still say no since I don’t want to look feminine in the first place. 

Also, I find it interesting that a person doesn’t have to prove that they are cis. It is considered to be a “default” and most cis people (especially cis-genderless people) can’t explain why they are ok with identifying their gender at birth. 

To sum up, it’s ok not to know everything about your gender or dysphoria. You are valid uwu

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On 11/20/2019 at 9:06 AM, squishward said:

This definitely feels like me. I’m comfortable enough identifying with my assigned at birth gender simply because I don’t feel strongly like I’d identify with any other gender. But I’m completely indifferent to my own gender- it’s not something I think about much nor view as an important part of myself. I understand that people *do* find their gender very important to them and respect whatever gender they identify with, but I don’t “see” people in a gendered way, in the sense that it doesn’t color my interactions with them. I often wonder if this affects my views on my sexuality and romanticism (which are also negligible parts of my identity) as well. I’m often uncomfortable with romantic or sexual interest because it can feel so gendered- like me being a woman is a pretty important factor for a cishet man to be interested. Except it feels weird when someone else projects that kind of importance on my identity, when in my own head, it is not important at all. Even more confusing and contradictory, the rare occasion when I do find myself crushing a bit on someone, it has seemingly only been male-identifying people. So it’s like on some subconscious/biological level, I recognize gender, even if on a more conscious level it’s unimportant to me. I feel like my views on my own gender have influenced the fact that my most natural expression of attraction to someone is a close, affectionate friendship, because the moment things move to a more romantic-coded relationship, I start to feel like someone I’m not.

That is interesting. Thanks for sharing your experiences ^^

Being heteroromantic I seem to recognize gender as well, but I don’t like it  when society expects women and men are supposed to want and pursue a romantic relationship either since it is heavily gender-coded. I think being ace also affects how I view gender. I never have the pressure to look attractive since I lack sexual attraction. As a result I am overall indifferent of my feminine characteristics.

 

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5 hours ago, cp1213 said:

I agree with you on that. Being ace I also feel the same way about my body since it looks too feminine and I would be weirded out if people started looking at me sexually as well.

In this case, I like to ask myself: if feminine or masculine characteristics are free of sexual connotations, would I’ll be ok with my body? 

I would still say no since I don’t want to look feminine in the first place. 

Also, I find it interesting that a person doesn’t have to prove that they are cis. It is considered to be a “default” and most cis people (especially cis-genderless people) can’t explain why they are ok with identifying their gender at birth. 

To sum up, it’s ok not to know everything about your gender or dysphoria. You are valid uwu

Yeah, it's an interesting question, and I think it must be common among ace enbies. But I think that either way, this feeling is there, and whether it's mostly gender dysphoria or sex repulsion doesn't really matter, does it? It won't change what happens in practice~

 

Haha, have you read The Null HypotheCis? ^^ Yeah, it's hard to stop trying to prove you're really trans, even when there is no evidence you're cis (basically what this article is saying). So, thank you ^^

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19 hours ago, PoeciMeta said:

Yeah, it's an interesting question, and I think it must be common among ace enbies. But I think that either way, this feeling is there, and whether it's mostly gender dysphoria or sex repulsion doesn't really matter, does it? It won't change what happens in practice~

 

Haha, have you read The Null HypotheCis? ^^ Yeah, it's hard to stop trying to prove you're really trans, even when there is no evidence you're cis (basically what this article is saying). So, thank you ^^

That's true ^^

I had that feeling when puberty started and I was more self-conscious about my body; I would unconsciously slouch so no one would pay attention to my chest and wear a hoodie all the time, even when it is hot outside.  I even talked about binding and passing as a boy as an experiment.  

It never occurred to me that I might not be cis. Ever. Throughout the entire year.

When I started identifying as agender though, I was able to recognize why I feel this way and it gave me a lot of freedom to be myself. 

I did read The Null HypotheCis a while ago and it helped me a lot. There is always a nagging feeling that I'm lying to myself since I am ok with people calling me she/her and perceiving me as a girl but that doesn't mean I am comfortable with it. 

I wonder how ace enbies found out that they are non-binary? Do they identify as ace first, then research more about their gender or vise versa?

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I'm ok with how I am now although my wardrobe never changed for 2 years because I'm basically done growing.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Wow there's 65 replies already I didn't expect so much lol and also there's more ace enbies than I thought. 

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6 hours ago, cp1213 said:

Wow there's 65 replies already I didn't expect so much lol and also there's more ace enbies than I thought. 

There do seem to be quite a lot of us!

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On 12/5/2019 at 7:59 PM, cp1213 said:

Wow there's 65 replies already I didn't expect so much lol and also there's more ace enbies than I thought. 

That and we get chatty.

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On 11/26/2019 at 4:28 AM, cp1213 said:

I wonder how ace enbies found out that they are non-binary? Do they identify as ace first, then research more about their gender or vise versa?

Well, I first found out about being Ace and then I discovered the gender thread on AVEN. 

 

Oh, and I'm a dysphoric Agender as well. I feel dysphoria about /any/ sex characteristics that don't make me look androgynous to androgynous leaning male, as well as about genitalia of any sort. I wonder if that might have a connection with Asexuality... 🤔

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On 12/13/2019 at 1:36 PM, Morgenrot said:

Well, I first found out about being Ace and then I discovered the gender thread on AVEN. 

 

Oh, and I'm a dysphoric Agender as well. I feel dysphoria about /any/ sex characteristics that don't make me look androgynous to androgynous leaning male, as well as about genitalia of any sort. I wonder if that might have a connection with Asexuality... 🤔

I’m gender fluid, non-binary woman/person. And that means that when i’m feeling non-binary/agender i sometimes have gender dysphoria(uncomfortable about my gender, genitalia and breasts). But i know if i change my body i would regret it because those days when i feel like my binary gender i’m proud and glad of my body look. But not only do i have gender dysphoria but i also have a racial dysphoria(that i get uncomfortable and sad about my race), and it would sound like i’m racist but i ain’t. And last night  it was very terrible, now it’s not so bad but still. So you see i don’t think it has something to do with asexuality. Because asexuality is a sexual orientation. Gender identities has something to do with your gender and what makes you feel comfortable.

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On 12/14/2019 at 7:41 PM, Cocothecoconut said:

I’m gender fluid, non-binary woman/person. And that means that when i’m feeling non-binary/agender i sometimes have gender dysphoria(uncomfortable about my gender, genitalia and breasts). But i know if i change my body i would regret it because those days when i feel like my binary gender i’m proud and glad of my body look. But not only do i have gender dysphoria but i also have a racial dysphoria(that i get uncomfortable and sad about my race), and it would sound like i’m racist but i ain’t. And last night  it was very terrible, now it’s not so bad but still. So you see i don’t think it has something to do with asexuality. Because asexuality is a sexual orientation. Gender identities has something to do with your gender and what makes you feel comfortable.

Well, feeling dysphoric about genitalia might go along well with Asexuality. I don't need my genitals if I don't want sex. It can therefore only cause me dyscomfort. Some might use that interchangeably with being dysphoric about genitals/experience dysphoria because of that. This would explain why there are so many Ace Agender folks.

Also, for me dysphoria isn't just being uncomfortable with breasts etc, but actually feeling sick at the thought of them and wanting to get rid of them. Maybe our differences regarding what we see as dysphoria (for you being sad about something is enough; for me it's rather a feeling of sickness and very strong aversion) are the cause of this. 

 

I rather align with the urban dictionary definition of dysphoria: "Dysphoria is an experience trans, genderqueer, and non-binary people have. It describes discomfort, loathing, anxiety, and depression revolving around one's social gender role and/or physical sex characteristics. It's a very serious experience that leads to larger anxiety/depression problems, depersonalization, thoughts of suicide, social withdrawal, self harm, etc."

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On 12/16/2019 at 10:52 AM, Morgenrot said:

Well, feeling dysphoric about genitalia might go along well with Asexuality. I don't need my genitals if I don't want sex. It can therefore only cause me dyscomfort. Some might use that interchangeably with being dysphoric about genitals/experience dysphoria because of that. This would explain why there are so many Ace Agender folks.

Also, for me dysphoria isn't just being uncomfortable with breasts etc, but actually feeling sick at the thought of them and wanting to get rid of them. Maybe our differences regarding what we see as dysphoria (for you being sad about something is enough; for me it's rather a feeling of sickness and very strong aversion) are the cause of this. 

 

I rather align with the urban dictionary definition of dysphoria: "Dysphoria is an experience trans, genderqueer, and non-binary people have. It describes discomfort, loathing, anxiety, and depression revolving around one's social gender role and/or physical sex characteristics. It's a very serious experience that leads to larger anxiety/depression problems, depersonalization, thoughts of suicide, social withdrawal, self harm, etc."

You’re right. It might have more something to do with my asexuality than it’s a gender dysphoria. I’ve just been worried if i had a gender dysphoria. But i gotta be honest to say that i didn’t really knew what gender dysphoria was, and didn’t had the right facts about it. But now i see that gender dysphoria isn’t really my case.   However when i say that i’m uncomfortable and sad about my breasts and genitals it means like you said that i have the thought of getting rid of them, but it’s not like it’s a very strong need to get rid of them and it’s not as a long term depression and extreme hate for my body like what a real gender dysphoria feels like. It must be my asexuality who’s triggering. 

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13 hours ago, Cocothecoconut said:

You’re right. It might have more something to do with my asexuality than it’s a gender dysphoria. I’ve just been worried if i had a gender dysphoria. But i gotta be honest to say that i didn’t really knew what gender dysphoria was, and didn’t had the right facts about it. But now i see that gender dysphoria isn’t really my case.   However when i say that i’m uncomfortable and sad about my breasts and genitals it means like you said that i have the thought of getting rid of them, but it’s not like it’s a very strong need to get rid of them and it’s not as a long term depression and extreme hate for my body like what a real gender dysphoria feels like. It must be my asexuality who’s triggering. 

I relate to that a lot actually.

Gender dysphoria can range from being mild to severe. It also doesn’t have to be constant in order for you to have gender dysphoria as well. 

I don’t know if have gender dysphoria either, but if I do it’s mild. 

Either way, most cis people are comfortable with their gender characteristics and do not wish to remove it. In fact, if they do, they would experience gender dysphoria for not looking like their preferred gender. An exception to this is body dysmorphia. It means that you are uncomfortable due to your perception of your body (weight, genitals, chest.etc), but it is not related to gender. For example, an underweight person who thinks that they are overweight is an example of body dysmorphia. Cis people with body dysmorphia are ok with identifying with their gender though.

To summarize:  If you don’t feel like your assigned gender, you are valid.

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Smol rant ahead:

The school I am in is known to be unfriendly to lgbtq+ people overall. They cancelled the lgbtq+ club, removed the gender neutral bathroom, and people there are ignorant on non-binary people (there used to be posters of helicopter jokes). Rip me 😢 

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15 minutes ago, cp1213 said:

Smol rant ahead:

The school I am in is known to be unfriendly to lgbtq+ people overall. They cancelled the lgbtq+ club, removed the gender neutral bathroom, and people there are ignorant on non-binary people (there used to be posters of helicopter jokes). Rip me 😢 

Wow that sucks. I wonder how they got the gender-neutral bathrooms in the first place.

Definitely a step back, weird. You'd think the world would be progressive 😮

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11 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Wow that sucks. I wonder how they got the gender-neutral bathrooms in the first place.

Definitely a step back, weird. You'd think the world would be progressive 😮

Yea :(( I think the parents protested against it so they removed it after a day. 

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1 hour ago, cp1213 said:

Smol rant ahead:

The school I am in is known to be unfriendly to lgbtq+ people overall. They cancelled the lgbtq+ club, removed the gender neutral bathroom, and people there are ignorant on non-binary people (there used to be posters of helicopter jokes). Rip me 😢 

I am so sorry to hear that... 😢 

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2 hours ago, cp1213 said:

Smol rant ahead:

The school I am in is known to be unfriendly to lgbtq+ people overall. They cancelled the lgbtq+ club, removed the gender neutral bathroom, and people there are ignorant on non-binary people (there used to be posters of helicopter jokes). Rip me 😢 

(Hugs)

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7 minutes ago, ColeHW34 said:

(Hugs)

Thanks

(Hugs back)

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56 minutes ago, Just Dani said:

I am so sorry to hear that... 😢 

Aw thanks. I'm more or less fine now.

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A (still) questioning nb here. I'm more certain about my sexuality (aroace, usually only experience aesthetic attraction towards any gender) and sometimes I wonder if my gender is reflecting my sexuality and how strong the relation is. I don't really suffer a lot with my body on the daily basis, even if I feel it's not what would be natural to me, so I wonder if I even am nb. Anyway, I'm most comfortable with the aroace at the moment since that's the side of me I'm certain about. The greatest struggle would be people trying to make you look like an attractive woman to lead a straight life lol. It just seems that if I don't come out, everyone perceives me as "a failed woman".

 

On 11/15/2019 at 7:46 AM, Sir_The_Last said:

TBH, attraction is out of ones control. The person see something and liked it.  I do not think he wonders if the person is straight or what have you. Just my two cents

But imo, romantic and even sexual attraction is not only based on what you see. For example, there's many instances where person thinks one looks hot, but after opening their mouth the magic completely disappears for them being rude etc. Or the other way around, a person first didn't register another person as hot, but it turns out they're very kind, helpful, talented etc and suddenly they also seem very hot to them. Like all the good details also in their appearance become visible among the other good qualities. So something can change the hotness, one way or another.

And as an aroace (allo researcher xD ) I'm not certain but it does look like they don't just focus on other good/bad qualities while ignoring the appearance. But they really do also seem to change their mind on the hotness of the physical appearance when they learn more about the person.

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On 12/21/2019 at 2:49 AM, cp1213 said:

Smol rant ahead:

The school I am in is known to be unfriendly to lgbtq+ people overall. They cancelled the lgbtq+ club, removed the gender neutral bathroom, and people there are ignorant on non-binary people (there used to be posters of helicopter jokes). Rip me 😢 

Wow. oO Just plain mean. 

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On 12/16/2019 at 1:52 AM, Morgenrot said:

I rather align with the urban dictionary definition of dysphoria: "Dysphoria is an experience trans, genderqueer, and non-binary people have. It describes discomfort, loathing, anxiety, and depression revolving around one's social gender role and/or physical sex characteristics. It's a very serious experience that leads to larger anxiety/depression problems, depersonalization, thoughts of suicide, social withdrawal, self harm, etc."

Part of the reason why I started questioning my gender was because I was trying to find a reason behind why i started dissociating and feeling a sense of depersonalization every time I looked in the mirror. I think this happened for about 1 ½ - 2 years until I started questioning my gender. It's been a bumpy ride sense then, and I still want to go to therapy and talk through those mental health issues with a professional, but I was surprised that I was able to ignore my apathy with my gender for so long (I'm in college now). 

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