songchick Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 I'm pretty sure I'm ace. I become more and more detached from wanting to date, I feel like I've done enough and I'm done. No physical cravings. (They weren't there before either, but I was intellectually curious so I pursued intimacy to satisfy that.) I have this persistent fear that I am not straight, and it freaks me out sometimes. I've signed myself up to go to a lesbian speed dating event the day before Thanksgiving, just to allay some fears. I really hope that I hate it. I really do. It's more of a litmus test rather than an actual desire to find a partner or even friends. Bonding with someone based on sexuality is not of interest...? Again, litmus test that I hope I fail. Link to post Share on other sites
borderprincess Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 51 minutes ago, songchick said: I'm pretty sure I'm ace. I become more and more detached from wanting to date, I feel like I've done enough and I'm done. No physical cravings. (They weren't there before either, but I was intellectually curious so I pursued intimacy to satisfy that.) I have this persistent fear that I am not straight, and it freaks me out sometimes. I've signed myself up to go to a lesbian speed dating event the day before Thanksgiving, just to allay some fears. I really hope that I hate it. I really do. It's more of a litmus test rather than an actual desire to find a partner or even friends. Bonding with someone based on sexuality is not of interest...? Again, litmus test that I hope I fail. Wait, so are you a lesbian right now? Or you're not sure whether a) you're ace, or b) just not interested in men because you're a lesbian? Link to post Share on other sites
songchick Posted November 12, 2019 Author Share Posted November 12, 2019 4 minutes ago, borderprincess said: Wait, so are you a lesbian right now? Or you're not sure whether a) you're ace, orb) just not interested in men because you're a lesbian? I don't even freaking know. For my entire life, I've enjoyed the company and friendship of men more than women. I know definitely I am ace, on the spectrum so to speak. I have never ever wanted to have kids or a family. No sex drive so to speak. I worry that I'm repressing myself from admiring women, etc. I know I have a condition called aphantasia, which causes me to have a blind mind's eye. I have no capacity to imagine things as if they are real, my memories are very faint, and I have no sensory experience when I dream also. (No pictures, no nothing, just words in darkness.) So this inability to fantasize is pretty much an organic condition. I just fear that, even if I have some pieces missing like this, maybe I'm gay? I don't want to be because that opens one up to prejudice. I also don't want to be part of the LGBTQ+ community. My life is private, I don't want to share my sexuality with others. Link to post Share on other sites
borderprincess Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 6 minutes ago, songchick said: I don't even freaking know. For my entire life, I've enjoyed the company and friendship of men more than women. I know definitely I am ace, on the spectrum so to speak. I have never ever wanted to have kids or a family. No sex drive so to speak. I worry that I'm repressing myself from admiring women, etc. I know I have a condition called aphantasia, which causes me to have a blind mind's eye. I have no capacity to imagine things as if they are real, my memories are very faint, and I have no sensory experience when I dream also. (No pictures, no nothing, just words in darkness.) So this inability to fantasize is pretty much an organic condition. I just fear that, even if I have some pieces missing like this, maybe I'm gay? I don't want to be because that opens one up to prejudice. I also don't want to be part of the LGBTQ+ community. My life is private, I don't want to share my sexuality with others. Well, being ace and being a lesbian are not mutually exclusive. I myself am an asexual lesbian It's cool that you're exploring who you are. It's difficult to know, especially when fear of prejudice (which is completely fair to have) is involved. I guess it's a good idea to go to the speed-dating, see how you feel, but also keep in mind that if you are a lesbian, it might take time for you to know, rather than one event. If you're interested, here is a thread on homoromantic/lesbian asexuals: Link to post Share on other sites
songchick Posted November 12, 2019 Author Share Posted November 12, 2019 Just now, borderprincess said: also keep in mind that if you are a lesbian, it might take time for you to know, rather than one event. 😨 Link to post Share on other sites
borderprincess Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 Just now, songchick said: 😨 It really differs per person - for some, figuring out identity can take years, for others, it's all very clear. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 Unless you're on death's doorstep I would say take your time. It will eventually fall into place. And you'll be as happy as Torgo at the Master's mansion. Link to post Share on other sites
songchick Posted November 12, 2019 Author Share Posted November 12, 2019 1 minute ago, borderprincess said: It really differs per person - for some, figuring out identity can take years, for others, it's all very clear. I just hate it. I hate not knowing, I hate the possible outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
songchick Posted November 12, 2019 Author Share Posted November 12, 2019 2 minutes ago, ByeYall! said: Unless you're on death's doorstep I would say take your time. It will eventually fall into place. And you'll be as happy as Torgo at the Master's mansion. TORGO LIVES. Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 I went to a speed-dating event at a convention with my friend. We were both in a bi-curious phase (I think I was already identifying as (or suspecting myself to be) asexual at that point, but I was curious about my romantic orientation and was figuring it out). It was LGBT rather and a lesbian one so they had chicks on one side of the room and dudes on the other, then had an optional bi session right after, but we were running late and wanted to head out. Basically, I walked away realizing it wasn't the worst thing in the world, but that I definitely wasn't a lesbian, and in no way did I want a relationship with anyone there, even the dudes. So I feel you. I hope it all goes well. You may learn nothing from the event, you may learn a lot. Take your time and take a deep breath. Link to post Share on other sites
thyristor Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 10 hours ago, songchick said: 😨 It must have been difficult for you to even write about these thoughts in this forum. An act of strength, I imagine you are keeping on fighting in your mind maybe to prevent you from being done thinking and falling into feeling empty and exhausted right now. 🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
henshin Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 13 hours ago, songchick said: I just fear that, even if I have some pieces missing like this, maybe I'm gay? I don't want to be because that opens one up to prejudice. I also don't want to be part of the LGBTQ+ community. My life is private, I don't want to share my sexuality with others. This is a bit of a strange thing to say. You're scared you might be gay and seem to have an aversion to the LGBT community because you think what, you'll be forced to talk with others about being gay? That sounds a lot like homophobia, and if you are struggling to figure out your sexuality you won't really be willing to do that fully if you think that being gay is on some way less desirable than being straight. Why do you feel those things about being gay/the LGBT community? Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Not sure what the point of doing something like this would be. You clearly have misgivings and hangups about it going in, which is going to affect your relationship prospects and how desirable everything seems. It's like trying to force yourself to have sex with someone when you don't really want it and/or it's not someone you are legitimately attracted to or in love with. It's not going to show you whether or not you could enjoy sex with someone for which you DO feel those things, so as a "litmus test" it's still kind of pointless. Also, being LGBTQ does not necessarily mean being part of a LGBTQ "community". I mean, I think asexuality is pretty queer and I am technically allowed to be a part of such a community, but it holds zero interest for me, so I don't. To me one of the core elements of LGBTQ is the freedom of alternate expressions of sexuality, but I don't feel like I have a sexuality to express. And even if I did, it's not a requirement that I do so publicly. Link to post Share on other sites
LeChat Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 @henshin @Philip027 I don't know. Perhaps, one of her previous posts might help explain her confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
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