Coming Out to My Crush

[NicoleHolmes]

Okay so he is not just a crush. He's someone that I have loved for my whole life. I tried to see it as really strong platonic friend love, but it definitely developed into romantic love somewhere along the line. I am also very sensually attracted to him, where I just want to cuddle and give him forehead kisses. But I'm not sexually attracted to him. As a gray Ace I have been sexually attracted to two people ever, and chose not to act on it due to religious beliefs. But anyway. In the last few months we have batted around the idea of dating, and our concerns about how it could affect our friendship if it didn't work out. We do have a lot of differences in beliefs, lifestyle, etc. One of the big differences is that he's an extremely sexual person. He knows that I believe in saving sex for marriage due to my religion. But today I decided to come out and tell him I'm a gray Ace. He didn't know what it meant and I gave him a brief explanation. I don't think he quite understands. I'm afraid he won't want me anymore because of this. I know he cares about me but I would be unable to fulfill his sexual needs. I would be willing to try it, if we got in a long term relationship. Never done it before so I don't know if I'd like it, want more, be repulsed. Not real excited about the idea. But I would try it for him. But even if I did like it, I definitely won't want it nearly as often as he will, because he has a high sex drive. This post is really rambling. But what I'm getting at is I love him but practically I don't think we have a chance of making a relationship work because we're so incompatible in that department. But I also feel like I'll never get over him. He's always had a big piece of my heart and he always will. Urgh. I don't even really want advice, unless you feel you have super relevant advice, then maybe pm me. I just need support because this is hard. 

[Memento1]

I'm sorry you're struggling.  I think it's a feeling many people can relate to - I definitely can!  I'm impressed you guys are speaking so openly and honestly about this instead of avoiding the issue.  I know you don't want advice but frankly I'd tell him exactly what you said here!  it beautifully expresses your hopes, your fears, your uncertainties, and the depths of your feelings.

 

I had a giant crush in college that was a very close friend but I was too scared to be open about my feelings, partly because I knew he was very sexual and I wasn't.  I've never forgotten him and while I still think an exclusive romantic relationship wouldn't have worked between us, I wish I had been more open about how much he meant to me.  I believe even if he'd married we still could have remained close loving friends instead of drifting so far apart because I was afraid I could never be what he wanted.

[NicoleHolmes]

My way of explaining it to him was that I don't experience sexual attraction very often or to very many people. I usually just think they're good looking, or I want to be friends, but I don't want them to touch me. I told him that I would be willing to try sex, and could possibly enjoy it, but I don't really feel a need for it and would just as soon eat cake or read a good book-- those activities are equally desirable. 😂 He already knows my romantic feelings for him and I reiterated how special he is to me but I told him I couldn't be what he wanted. He didn't say a whole lot in reply, just, "that's okay." I'm gonna let him process and then ask if he has any questions. 

[wyrdwyrm]

*Hugs*

I hope things work out well in the end!