Gray-asexual/ the 'asexual umbrella' are not asexual

[Gatto]

 

[Abigail Rose]

On 11/13/2019 at 8:41 AM, AceMissBehaving said:

And yes I experience this problem on a practical level quite often...

 

I post about my being asexual 

 

A bunch of people respond they too are asexual!

 

Me does happy dance

 

They start talking about how they discovered demisexuality

 

Me disappointed, next time want to clarify I‘m saying I’m asexual.

 

Next time: “ok how do I make this personal asexual visibility post in a way people understand I’m asexual asexual (which sounds stupid and redundant) without either spelling out all the ways I don’t want to f**k, like ever? Because I want to be understood as what I am, but also don’t want to center sex in the conversation, because de-centering sex in people’s minds is the whole point of what I’m trying to achieve with the post I’m making.

Looks like I can’t because when I say I’m asexual that can mean I’m asexual, graysexual or Demisexual. Since both of the other two labels populations vastly eclipse the asexual asexual population, my voice is lost, and I’m doomed to never be able to say “I am Asexual” and have that be all that’s needed to be understood.

 

I honestly wish the majority of folks in the gray area would care more about this. I want us all to be a community, I think we belong as a community, but community means caring about everyone, and part of that means making changes if one group is being systematically hurt like asexual asexuals are in this instance. We push for change, but we are a minority in our own community and no one will listen.

 

As one of the people that you say is hurting the environment for asexual's, I have a question about progress. If this has caused so much trouble, then what would be your suggested fix to this issue? These labels and words were all approved by the peers of the community. I personally do not disagree with simplifying terms when possible. I have told two people about demisexuality and there has been no shortage of explanations that were needed to clarify that. I would almost guarantee that we all have to deal with that to some degree. In order for us to evolve as a community and also as individuals, we must all maintain open minds to new ideas and also accept that change happens at it's own pace. All we should really be worrying about as a community is supporting each other as we grow to be our best selves. I imagine the line is thin between community unity and feeling lost in translation. I can only say I would not want to take any part of this experience away from anyone including myself. Silence4now

[AceMissBehaving]

42 minutes ago, Silence4now said:

As one of the people that you say is hurting the environment for asexual's, I have a question about progress. If this has caused so much trouble, then what would be your suggested fix to this issue? These labels and words were all approved by the peers of the community. I personally do not disagree with simplifying terms when possible. I have told two people about demisexuality and there has been no shortage of explanations that were needed to clarify that. I would almost guarantee that we all have to deal with that to some degree. In order for us to evolve as a community and also as individuals, we must all maintain open minds to new ideas and also accept that change happens at it's own pace. All we should really be worrying about as a community is supporting each other as we grow to be our best selves. I imagine the line is thin between community unity and feeling lost in translation. I can only say I would not want to take any part of this experience away from anyone including myself. Silence4now

The only “fix” I would suggest is leaving the word asexual to mean asexual as in “no sexual attraction/desire for another person” instead of that and anything else remotely similar.  So if a person is demisexual saying they are demisexual instead of asexual for eg. I’m not advocating for splitting up the community, only for leaving the word “asexual” to mean that one label, otherwise everyone else in the community has a choice of how specific they want to get, but the asexual component will forever have to get into the nitty gritty any, and every time they want to convey their identity.

[gisiebob]

20 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

The only “fix” I would suggest is leaving the word asexual to mean asexual as in “no sexual attraction/desire for another person” instead of that and anything else remotely similar.  So if a person is demisexual saying they are demisexual instead of asexual for eg. I’m not advocating for splitting up the community, only for leaving the word “asexual” to mean that one label, otherwise everyone else in the community has a choice of how specific they want to get, but the asexual component will forever have to get into the nitty gritty any, and every time they want to convey their identity.

your desire is understandable. I just... would like to express that when we are limping on labels, when we really need them to communicate to others, most of the time if someone is going to get hung up on ideas of grey (a)sexuality they probably would just the same if they didn't have the words for it. but for us, a lot of times we have to hobble folk all the way over to pitch black asexuality, and then back again just to get them to a perspective where they can see us

[rainbowocollie]

I admit I tell a lot of people I'm asexual, if it comes up, because it's simpler to explain than "grey-almost-aromantic demisexual"--I don't think most people understand the grey area very well, and I don't want to hear "oh, demisexual is just normal". And most likely I'll never date and will therefore never have sex, so really there's no need to say anything too complicated. Even if I did, my sex life is nobody's business but me and my partner's.

Oh. That, and I may actually be fully asexual. *shrugs* I'm just not sure.

 

Though, in real life, rather than going into sexual/romantic orientation labels, I'll probably say what I did with my mom--"I'm just not interested in anyone"

[MrUltraLord]

Ok so why don’t we create a new umbrella term and then reserve the term Asexual for people who don’t desire/want sex. 

[Kimagine]

I get that people not believing you're completely ace because they's heard of grey and demi can be really invalidating. You know what else is really invalidating and frustrating? Having people tell you they think you're allo because you used the word "grey" before "asexual." Having people who believe asexual people exist believe that your experience doesn't exist. Having people not understand that just because you experience sexual attraction one or twice a year does not mean dating or relationships are ANYTHING like being allo. Also having people tell you you don't know what it's like to feel broken because one time you experienced sexual attraction, even though you're still left out of 90% of sexual experiences and no one understands why you're so damn picky and wont just choose a guy. Being pressured to have sex because "but you said you're grey so that means you might want it" even when you say you're not experiencing sexual attraction.

So yeah, sometimes I tell people I'm asexual, because I'm FUCKING TIRED and they don't belittle or harass me or threaten me if I just use the catch-all word that they are familiar with. Asexual is a safer word to use in LGBTQA spaces. But sure, be a pedantic asshole, as if you are the only people pressured to have sex when you don't want it. NEWSFLASH, if someone wants sex and feels entitled to it, they're gonna find an excuse to harrass you. Grey-asexuality is their excuse. Being pedantic won't fix the problem, but it sure as hell with make things less safe for the rest of us.  Finding a new umbrella term is a lovely idea, when the allo and LGTBQ folk start adopting one and treating it as real, then I'll use it. In the mean time, I'll use whatever the hell makes me feel safe. 

[rainbowocollie]

I think the terms we have are adequate, just poorly explained most of the time and a bit too broadly used. And kinda complicated and fuzzy because....it's complicated and fuzzy.

 

I rather think that it makes sense that someone could be basically asexual but still experience very limited attraction. I have asexual friends who are in relationships and believe they are in the grey area because once in a blue moon they experience sexual attraction--but for the most part, their lack of desire for their partner is a very present reality. To me, yeah they might technically be grey-ace....but they're basically ace.

But like I said, I go by a more narrow definition of grey than many. Also a stricter definition of demi.

[HikaruBG]

[Luc_9]

On 3/23/2020 at 8:38 AM, Kimagine said:

Having people not understand that just because you experience sexual attraction one or twice a year does not mean dating or relationships are ANYTHING like being allo. Also having people tell you you don't know what it's like to feel broken because one time you experienced sexual attraction, even though you're still left out of 90% of sexual experiences and no one understands why you're so damn picky and wont just choose a guy. Being pressured to have sex because "but you said you're grey so that means you might want it" even when you say you're not experiencing sexual attraction.

I completely relate to that. I don't want any sexual encounters ever, I actively avoid real-life sexual situations.  But yeah very occasionally, like a few occasions over a total of 2 people in my life so far, I fantasised about having sex with them. I didn't even want to act on that sexual attraction, because I feel that sex in reality is far too offputting compared to the fantasy. I'm also aegosexual, which some people here say also connotes sexual attraction and allosexuality- but aego literally just means that I'm aroused by imagining encounters between fictional characters who are not me. 

 

My practical concerns are with my dating needs. I'm biromantic, and ok sure let's say I'm allosexual, but I can't exactly go around saying I'm bisexual. Allos would very reasonably expect my bisexual-identifying self would be willing to have sex. And I don't want to hear ridiculous comments like "some allos have never experienced a single sexual thought since age 15 and they are still allos". I can't imagine telling my partner "wow i cant believe you expected sex from me, when absolutely none is forthcoming. Sure, i'm dating you, and practically every allo expects sex in a romantic relationship, but my point stands. I thought about having sex 5 years ago and didnt act on it, and I like reading fanfics, so I'm practically the same allosexuality as you". 

 

If I can say I'm ace, it's a super quick and widely understood way of saying "there's not going to be any sex in the relationship". Maybe people here want to say "no, you're an allo, just celibate", look if I put I'm celibate, people will just think I'm a priest lmao.

 

The ways things get reasoned here, a lesbian who once had a fleeting hot thought about tom hiddleston, should then go about dating spaces calling herself a bisexual even though she has zero intentions of having sex with a man at all. But ok sure she's bisexual, I'm sure all the men who message her will understand that she's bisexual but doesn't want to have real-life sexual encounters with any man. Some people get so hung about technicalities, they forget about the practicalities, especially when needing an identifier for dating.