Sex drive/sexual attraction/sex repulsion contradiction

[even_oddly_aspec]

Heya,

 

So I identify as aspec because im typically sex adverse/repulsed and have a non existent libido, but think people are hot. 

 

Thinking about having sex or about genitals grosses me out, but, when I actually look at genitals (not just glimpse, but am looking for some other reason), I do get physically turned on?

For example, I'm trans and assigned female, and I'm going to be starting on testosterone soon. On testosterone, one of the things that happens is your clitoris grows into what is essentially a micropenis. But there's no pictures out there of what it looks like, other than in porn. (There were, on tumblr, before they took down everything NSFW) So the only way to find examples now is to look at "FtM Porn" which is gross and fetishy but its the only resource. So I was looking through a site of that, and realized that I got turned on? Which is an incredibly rare experience for me. 

 

So I guess I don't have a sex drive per say, but can be turned on by sexual situations? So I'm not quite sure about what that means regarding sexual relationships. Or my sexuality. 

Thoughts?