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Asexuals and sexuals


Mommybug

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Could it ever really work? Ive been in a relationship for 3 years and am just discovering i maybe asexual. Does this mean my relationship could be over? We have 2 kids together. 

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11 minutes ago, Mommybug said:

Does this mean my relationship could be over?

Short answer: No. Never let a label dictate your life.

 

Now, if you are asexual relationships might be harder as asexuals lack sexual attraction/desire, but relationships are certainly possible and even asexuals might still choose to have sex.

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@Mommybug the complicated answer is "maybe, it depends". You have children together, which means you both (hopefully) have a long term interest in each other being happy & good parents to them.

 

As a starting point, I like to recommend folks aim for both partners feeling loved for who they are -- which includes their (a)sexuality, those are core parts of who we are. That usually means having excellent communication and empathy for each other; beyond that, approaches vary for each couple.

 

It takes two. Usually (but not always) the partner that shows up in forums is the one that's more worried & may be inclined to self-sacrifice. Please don't sacrifice your happiness.

 

My partner started identifying as asexual early last year. We've been together for a decade and a half, and have children. It seems to be working, so: yes, it can work. It helped that we had built a lot of trust & commitment over those years. We also did well with LGBTQIA+ therapists.

 

But it doesn't always make sense for a couple to stay together, sometimes they will be happier splitting up. Even with all the costs of shared parenting you'll confront. I think this is something you should confront earlier rather than later, as entanglement only increases over time.

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brbdogsonfire
On 11/11/2019 at 5:10 PM, Mommybug said:

Could it ever really work? Ive been in a relationship for 3 years and am just discovering i maybe asexual. Does this mean my relationship could be over? We have 2 kids together. 

You two have made it work up until this point.

 

If it fails now that you have discovered you are asexual I wouldn't blame asexuality. Finding a label shouldn't change your relationship. 

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Just being asexual doesn't mean your relationship is over. You've lasted this long with your partner, so I don't see what the difference would be between the last two years and now. It shouldn't change anything about your relationship.

 

The only reason relationships get rocky (or worse) when one partner discovers their asexuality is because the ace partner then changes the dynamic of the relationship. Suddenly not wanting sex is fine and acceptable, so they decide they don't want it anymore, completely changing how the relationship works and possibly ruining it for the sexual partner. And it's the change that ruins the relationship, not the orientation. 

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colorblind_sunset

it definitely changes things when you realize it though....I realized it like 4 years in. before that, I just thought I had a ton of "sex issues." we worked on things with that understanding... once I realized that I lacked desire it opened up a whole other can of worms in my head... you can work through having messed up notions of sex from parents/religion/the media...but realizing you just don't desire other people? once I realized that this is a HUGE deal to most people... that it's not something they arbitrarily decide to do like bake cookies or see a movie...that it's like a whole THING... it definitely at least changes your perception of the relationship. not only do I feel like I'm lying by omission, I now know there's this thing about my partner that I can't even relate to and can only (sort of) understand on a theoretical level. it makes me feel isolated from the entire 99% of allos out there. how can you truly be close to someone if there's this huge thing about them that you just don't understand?

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