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Why labels are actually confusing? (Theory about expressions of love)


Asenia

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Hi there.

I was identifying myself as aro-ace for quite a while, and while talking to my friends and other people about romance/sexuality, I actually start to think that this whole terminology makes it really hard to understand a very simple basic things such as "what the heck is romantic/sexual attraction?"

 

I was really wandered, what those...things really are.  And I want to share my own thoughts about sexual/ace romantic/aro relationships in general. I don't claim it The Most Right Opinion In The Universe, but... maybe it will be useful or just interesting for somebody. That's just my experience. 

 

So. 

As I see it, there is no such borderline between "types of love". 

All people, when entering the relationship, are friends. My mother is friend. My co-worker is friend. My friend is... well, friend. And so for romantic partners.

There are different levels of trust and interests. Obviously, I can feel comfortable to tell or do something with my close friend, that I might not willing to do with co-worker or mother. 

 

And thats what makes the difference. The "activities" you're comfortable with and wish to engage with certain someone. Those activities can be watching movies, talk about something, kissing or having sex. 

That's actually a good platform to stop being jealous... It works for me, at least.

 

The "base" is your feelings of love. Not romantical love, or family-love, or something...

Just love. Or...lack of it. 

 

What does it mean? Simple:

You may feel that you are lonely, incomplete, you have low self-esteem, or/and just can't handle to be alone... You (not you, just figure of speech) are unable to be in present moment and feel that you love your life fully, so you start to seek something fullfilling that hole outside. The thing everyone looking for is love. More often - from others. And they can actually find another person with that issue... unfortunately, it oftentimes lead to suffering.

 

Or (plus "and", actually) people may feel love, just because they feel happiness already. You know that, probably - when you're in joy, feeling complete, you literally love everyone and want to give that love in different forms you can - from some kind of help, or just smile, joke or warming word, to smoochies-hugs and like that. 

Actually, the one who is lacking the self-love, when they meet THAT person feel fullfilled, so they spread the love in many ways too... But then it fades amd they "crave" for these feelings again.

 

The more you're close to person and open to him, the more fullfiled you can feel (even if it is an illusion from my point of view), so more intense and bright your expressions of love become.

 

And back to "activities"... Activities, actually, are the "language" of love (you know, even when someone do something because of hate or anger, they are actually loving... but feel the deep lack of love inside them, so they have nothing to do, as they think, but to express it sometimes with violent or rough way. I don't protect abusers, and don't encourage to stay and try to help them, especially if you are the victim - escape from this and don't make a saviour from yourself. Oxygen mask for yourself first!)

 

So, you feel love for person, and you can express it one way or another. Well, love is just "I want this person to be happy, with or without me". (if only with me, that's a sign of lack of love, and I would really do something about that first). You can make them (and yourself for the same time) happy going to the movie, for example, treat them with food they like, or presents they love. Or with cuddling, kissing, sex, if they love it - that's just an expression of your feelings for them. 

 

Easy, right? Well, the thing is, we're not talking on the same languages, you know... 

I suggest, that we all were raised on different circumstances, and that influenced our view and perception of world. And so for "love expressions".  

You may be raised in family, where hugging was the super-normal, or maybe it was a rare and very emotional thing... Some families avoid talking about sex, and some talking about it openly, like, not big deal (bless  those families, who can actually tell their children about how babies are made, without cabbage farms and poor storks). And through your life you meet a lot of situations, etc... You get it. You were shaped, like from clay, in unique way from the very beginning, and what was closer to beginning of your life - the more impact it has on your shape afterwards.

 

Some of us just don't have a sex or/and romance activities in our vocabulary of love expression. Or have, but rarely use. Some of us think that "shhhhh, this is a bad word! (whispering)".

So yep, you might LITERALLY don't get "what does it all mean". 

 

But we can learn languages, right? 

You can learn japanese, if your native language is sweden, but if you have ever learned another language, you know how it feels to talk and express yourself on it, even if you like the sound of language. The same is for "foreign love language". You can learn to express yourself through sex for your partner and express your love that way. But it may be not the same comfortable or essential for you, and you can certainly make some mistakes (like I do writing now on English...nevermind),

Watching cartoons with them (or eating delicious cake together, ha) can be your native language. :)

 

For example: my friend can feel a great need to be very affectionate with certain person, give them a big warm sensation and show hers love and care. I can feel it too, actually.

 

But our languages differ: while I will be thrilled to just hug for hours, talk about something, support, watch films, etc., in her case it can be the same, but it can also lead to sex, pleasurable for both sides. 

 

And I can (and actually had) participate in same activitities (sexual or romantical) in order to express my love for that person in the way they would really feel happy and pleased, but it would be the same for me if I was speaking japanese while I'm russian... And I may enjoy japanese, as I love anime, for example, or japan culture... Or someone can tell me they love me on japanese, and I can understand it, if I know the meaning of the words, and be pleased, and like it...

 

But IT IS different for me. Just another feeling of words, you know?

And I certainly don't think on japanese all the time (or don't think on it at all...), forgetting that such language even exists, so if I suddenly will hear japanese speech after a while, I would react something like: "it sounds familiar...is that...japanese? Oh, it really is japanese, cool, I recognise it! (Wait, what they were telling again?...)" 

 

And another note: while I feel the lack of self-love, I want to take it from outside. And I was taught by my surroundings that "having the romance (or even sexual) things is the way to get it". I am starting to crave it, but when it's there - whoops! "Errr...G-gomennasai, arigato, sayonara??". 

Seems, like I didn't get love in my native way... Dissapointing, huh.

 

Back to the beginning of the topic - the main thing I wanted to tell to someone, who struggles with terminology, identity, or even to someone who fear certain activities or just don't get it: "Don't confuse yourself with borderlines and don't try to fit yourself in terms and labels". 

 

You may or may not learn and understand some of those "activities", may or may not enjoy them, feel comfortable with, etc. It can and will change one way or another, slightly or greatly. I suppose, that depends how you and your life will shape your mind and its perception. Maybe it will always be alien to you, or boring, or, perhaps, you will suddenly fully get it, who knows...

And yes - you are not bad or something, if you're using a different language or/and tried to speak on another to be closer to someone (or/and for gaining love). If you had or have issues with it - you'll probably understand what am I talking about... 

 

The labels are actually very confusing sometimes, because they don't really answer the question "what the difference between types of attraction, friends and crush, etc.". And the reason is simple - there is actually no border line, or so I think at least... It's the matter of your self-love, languages you're using and activities you like to participate with that person. For me it explains the existence of hetero/homosexuality, asexuals and etc. And it make me feel much more free and cool about my feelings. There is like nothing special about it, I love people and express it on my own language. And activities...are just activities. :)

 

I would like to hear your opinion, especially if you have more interesting points of view, even if you think I'm wrong (and I pretty much can, I don't deny it...).

So please, feel free to write about it!

 

Thanks for reading all of this, love you all. 🌸🌿

 

 

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I've moved this thread from "Questions about Asexuality" to "Asexual Musings and Rantings".
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

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Welcome to AVEN!

 

I usually define such labels by what they lead you to desire.

So the different types of attraction would be defined as follows.

There's Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex).

There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic).

There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling.

There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them).

There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone.

And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Fantasy Creatures" cake (all edible),

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/331393-fantasy-creatures

pjsv1okw7awpcw6bkiag.jpg

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35 minutes ago, Asenia said:

All people, when entering the relationship, are friends. My mother is friend. My co-worker is friend. My friend is... well, friend. And so for romantic partners.

There are different levels of trust and interests. Obviously, I can feel comfortable to tell or do something with my close friend, that I might not willing to do with co-worker or mother. 

 

And thats what makes the difference. The "activities" you're comfortable with and wish to engage with certain someone. Those activities can be watching movies, talk about something, kissing or having sex. 

That is how I like to think about it, even though I don't express it that way on here since people on AVEN (and people in general) really like putting things in boxes. It's easier for me to say "I am a heteromantic asexual" than to launch into a large philosophical definition as to why all love is love. 

Love is at its core about caring; all relationships are built on some level of caring.

39 minutes ago, Asenia said:

What does it mean?

I disagree with the next two paragraphs that follow this, as even the most self-contented person may require someone else (be it family/friend/partner) to allow them to be fully happy. Not saying they cannot be happy without one, but humans are generally social beings.

45 minutes ago, Asenia said:

The labels are actually very confusing sometimes, because they don't really answer the question "what the difference between types of attraction, friends and crush, etc.". And the reason is simple - there is actually no border line, or so I think at least...

I agree, although I do think some labels have a better idea of a borderline than other labels. For example even though "what is sex?" might be hard to define but to quote Justice Steward in Jacobellis v. Ohio, "I know it when I see it". The question "what is romance?" however is even harder as sometimes you can see what you think is romance and it turns out those involved did not think it was romance or you could completely miss romance if it happened right in front of you. Even harder than romance is "what is friendship?" and where does friendship become merely an acquaintance?

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