Am I still Ace?

[breakingMachines]

 

Am I Still Ace?
 

I told my friends I was ace, like two years ago. So I haven’t really had much fuss for people still using that label. Personally these days I feel comfortable with the label queer or prefers women.

 

I remember having this conversation in the car, where I told my friend that I was pretty irritated at my co-workers telling me it was easier as a girl to date, and pretty much assuming I date men. Then my friend responded to that story with ‘you just hadn’t just met the right guy’. I felt pretty annoyed, and the thought that kept ringing in my head, is you’re 'assuming I would date men! '

 

I also told her I’ve recently turned off being seen by straight and bisexual guys on OkCupid. I’ve had the same feelings of disgust when anyone’s still broached the topic of dating men or implying that I would date guys  Like I get physical repulsion, that I really can’t hide. I remember the weirded-out expression a family member made when I flipped out about them teasing I had a boyfriend. I really can’t help it.

I’ve made my peace that I do find some men attractive, but I don’t think I could date them or be in a sexual relationship with them. I prefer women by a tenfold. I like traditionally physical feminine attributes, like breasts, pretty face, decent sense of fashion. But I also really like all types of women in general, and feminine folks. 

My issue is I think I might have experienced sexual attraction?

 

 I’ve had the same tingles which I’m pretty sure what an allosexual defines as sexual attraction. It makes me hyperfocused, unable to think anything but they’re cute, sweaty, and a little overwhelmed. The first time I’ve ever experienced it was on a period, viewing a naked body so I know it was the product of hormones. I’m pretty sure that was the closet I felt to sexual attraction, and it was so fleeting.

Every time it was experienced that tingle from a guy, I never wanted to pursue dating or even thought too much about it. Every time I felt that towards a girl, I would think about her, want to talk to her, and was ecstatic when she paid attention to me. 

 

I also consider myself libido oriented. I watch porn at between once a week to once every two weeks, to satisfy my body’s needs. I still have that same chore mentality even though I enjoy the sexual arousal I experience. Like I literally think, aw well it’s time to satisfy that libido craving. But taking care of needs has never involved physically touching myself. I still feel like it’s pretty gross.

 

I remember at one point I preferred tentacle porn because it was so far removed from having a person involved, and it's pretty improbable.  But I’ve noticed I really can’t watch straight porn, and my libido vanishes when I see 'male' genitalia attached to male presenting individuals. A friend once told me straight girls aren’t very attracted to 'male' genitalia either, but I doubt their libido completely vanishes at the sight of the genitalia most associated with men.

 

But at the same time. I still have that same feeling of nonchalance to sex. I also really don’t like reading sex scenes. I could probably go years or months without sex, and I don’t think it would negatively affect me. I kinda feel like I wouldn’t want anyone to touch me.  I’d be perfectly happy in a sex-free relationship. It definitely wouldn’t be a deal-breaker, and my confidence wouldn’t dwindle. I wouldn’t freak out about my partner not being attracted to me. I still haven’t tried sex. But I feel like I’d give a shot with a woman if I had to or wanted to in the future. 

 

So what do you guys think, am I sex adverse or a gray-ace?

 

Also thanks for listening to my rant. I really wanted to get this off my chest. Because it frustrates me to be seen as straight, just because I’m traditionally feminine.

Like damn let me keep my glitter, and high heels, without having to associate it with a boyfriend. 

[Puck]

Well, first of all, it's completely up to you always what label you identify with if any, so no one here will be able to tell you your label, rather just give you suggestions.

 

Secondly, your experience is super similar to mine, honestly. I was always very uninterested if not grossed out by sex. I couldn't date men because I would get stressed that one day they were going to expect sex from me and I just knew I couldn't keep up a sexual relationship nor could I have sex with someone I wasn't incredibly intimately close with.

 

I was turned off by any view of straight sex, any view of male genitalia. I was told similar things; that straight girls don't like male genitalia either and that what they liked wasn't the view but what it did. But I had no (and still don't have any) desire to be penetrated nor to perform oral, so any form of sex with a dick just sounded awful.

 

I always wanted a relationship though, very strongly. And that's all what lead me to asexuality. I found identifying as ace to be very freeing. Suddenly, sex would never be an obligation because people knew I was uninterested. Suddenly I was free from the burden of sex, free from any fear of it.

 

And then I started exploring.

 

Unlike you, I wasn't interested in porn and didn't masturbate. But I did have kinks and enjoyed certain stories as they left me aroused. So, now that I was free of sexual obligation, I found myself exploring those kinks more and in different ways, one of which being through smut. I found myself still hating straight smut but... girl and girl smut? That was fantastic. Then I met a girl through the kink that I found to be amazing. And all of a sudden, I wanted sex with her. I didn't feel like it was an obligation, I didn't feel like it was a burden, I felt like it was something I wanted.

 

I don't have a strong libido, we mostly have sex to her needs. But it's been a real learning experience in the sense that I can set boundaries that allow me to enjoy being with her and she respects them.

 

Now that I'm with her, I really struggle to ever imagine being with a man. Maybe if I really was head over heels in love with him, but I don't think most men today are willing to wait the 6-12 months or more it would take for me to feel that way before learning if I could stomach sex with them

 

I'll also say I was very similar to you also in terms of people teasing me about "finding the right guy." I found myself feeling weirded out when people assumed I'd want to date guys. I knew then and know now that straight is still the most common orientation, but it just felt so wrong to talk like what I wanted was to date a dude and it annoyed me when other people would talk that way. To me, that felt very telling of... something? But it was just dating, it wasn't sex... Which is why I pop myself in the queer label, even though now that I have sex it's only with women which seems to align with my dating motivations too. It just feels like a non-exact science so I don't bother trying to be exact; I just focus on loving on my girlfriend.

 

So, I hope that story might help you because it's possible you are on a similar journey to mine, just a few steps behind. Or maybe not, maybe you will find yourself to truly be ace.

 

My suggestion is to not sweat the label too much. It is better to follow what you want and need in any given moment. Maybe identifying as ace did the same thing for you that it did for me; freed us from the burden of sex which allowed us to actually explore our own sexuality. Or maybe not. Personally, I now identify as queer (just like you seem too) because I'm not really sure what my sexuality is but I'm not worried about the label. I'm probably a lesbian, but I'm not really sure and unconcerned about being sure so queer works for me. But it's also valid to not claim a label or be vague with "I prefer women right now" or something. Labels are only as helpful as what they do for us; if no label seems to communicate to others how you are feeling, then there is no reason to use one right now.

 

You could always have sex with a girl or two or more to see if it's right for you. Having sex wouldn't negate asexuality as a possible label, just like plenty of gay guys tried having sex with women before being sure that would never be appealing but that doesn't negate their orientation.

 

Also, a think I'd like to point out is a few definitions AVEN has:

 

Quote

Asexual: Someone who does not experience sexual attraction or an intrinsic desire to have sexual relationships (or the adjective describing a person as such).

Quote

Sexual attraction: Desire to have sexual contact with someone else or to share our sexuality with them. (Note: sexual attraction does not need to be based on appearance, and can also develop gradually over time.)

I wanted to pull these out because you describe "tingles" when you look at/are with some people and seem to wonder if that is sexual attraction. Well, sexual attraction feels very different to different people. Personally, I don't feel the way you do, I don't get "tingles." What I get is a desire to have sexual contact with my girlfriend, a desire to share my sexuality with her. She honestly doesn't really turn me on alone, it's only by her initiating sexual contact of some kind (talk or movement) that I really get aroused by her.

 

I just wanted to point that out as it might help you figure yourself out. Those "tingles" might be exactly sexual attraction, but it's not the only way sexual attraction is experienced.

 

 

I hope this has been a help

[Snao Cone]

It's pretty common for young people to have a lot of mixed signals in their own brains and bodies to work through, so what you're going through isn't unusual. To me it sounds like you're the kind of person who will figure out a lot more about yourself through lived experience. I can't tell you what you are or aren't, but here is my advice on how to explore your identity better:

• Don't deny feelings you may have. It sounds like you're already acknowledging things, which is good.
• Don't have sex if you don't want to. If it doesn't come naturally to you when you're in a relationship with a person you otherwise feel very attracted to, then you might very well be asexual, and that's totes fine. 
• Don't be afraid to explore sex if the balance of curiosity and comfort make you open enough to try it. If you like it or it feels natural, you probably are sexual to some degree, but you might not know that until you have the opportunity to really face what sexual intimacy is (which is def not what's in porn). 
• It's okay to identify as questioning. Anyone you date or get close to should be trustworthy enough for you to confide in them that you're not sure, and they would hopefully be caring and supportive enough to help your along the way. 
• If you identify as asexual now, it's absolutely fine to change this upon discovering new things. That's personal growth. It's also fine to not change it, if your experiences continue to align with asexuality. There's no shame in being wrong about something that's so highly nuanced, and there's no shame in being right either. 
• Find a person or a space where you feel comfortable talking about this. It could be a friend, it could be AVEN, it could be any other person or group that you find helpful. Feedback from people with different experiences is very useful in something like this. 

Unfortunately you're probably going to continue to get questions about boys, because heteronormativity and all. 🙄 But finding some guys aesthetically attractive or personally charming or whatever doesn't really speak to your sexual or romantic interest. People might say it does, but that will fade as you live your life as the person you are, and they realize you're just not into boys. 😎

 

[Rynn]

Hey hi hello welcome to AVEN!  

 

I feel you on that frustration with being seen as straight. I hate when people assume.

 

You can actually be gray-ace and sex averse at the same time. Attitude to sex is a separate factor from your actual orientation  . 

 

Gray-ace sounds about right to me for your situation, with the infrequent and fleeting sexual attraction that you describe.

 

I think I'd describe a nonchalance to sex more as sex-indifferent than as sex-averse though. Why do you lean more towards describing it as averse? Is it because of the repulsion you feel towards male genitals?

Maybe you could look into cross orientations. You could maybe be grey-homosexual and bi/pan-romantic (then again if you flip out when someone assumes you'd date men, maybe not)?

 

Is your repulsion towards the idea of dating men based in bad experiences with them?

I'm panromantic, and though I'm not physically repulsed by the idea of dating men, I am likely not going to date them, because I don't feel safe with men (because of experience). Is it similar for you?

 

Anyways, these are just suggestions. Only you can decide which labels to settle on in the end