Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Space

[Sleeplessinsecret]

Hey everyone! This is my first post! How exciting!

 

I am 21 years old and I am a heteroromantic asexual! It feels good to say it, if only in cyberspace. I am currently struggling with the holidays coming up, it's the most magical time of year! Once again, I am alone. Well, not totally alone. I have several friends (most of whom know that I'm ace) and I am super close to my mom and brother. The problem is, I feel like my life is lacking...something. Is it normal to feel so alone even among friends? I'm not even the only one of my friends that is single. Maybe I read too much and put love on a pedestal, but I am in love with love, desperate for it. I have a bad habit of finding a boy, a boy that is unattainable in some way, and building a whole make believe world in my head, like my own personal fanfiction. Isn't that deranged? My last, and only, boyfriend turned out to be gay, but I think I knew all along. I think I chose him because I knew that he would never be sexually attracted to me, and he let me do it. Maybe we were both using each other to hide. I convinced myself that I was in love with him. I moved 1500 miles for an internship that he also had, building up our reunion in my head. Real life never measures up to my fantasy. We are no longer on speaking terms. 

 

Before I confronted my asexuality, I used to get massive panic attacks when I thought about getting married, more specifically, the wedding night activities. I'm sex repulsed. I don't know how or why, but I am. Maybe it's because of what happened when I was a kid or maybe I am just built like this or maybe it's something else altogether. I wonder if I'll ever know, if I'll ever be able to separate the trauma from my sexuality. Does anyone else feel like this? I used to think I was gay because sex with men seemed so disgusting to me, makes my skin crawl. How do you find peace being an asexual in a sexual world? Before I realized I was ace, I used to think that I would have to sleep with a man, that I would just have to swallow my repulsion and let him have his fun with me. I reasoned that I could deal with that. Now, however, I realize that I don't have to.    

 

The reason I am writing here is that there is a boy. Typical huh? We met at a party at the house I live at. I should mention that I never drink. I always keep a very tight grip on myself. I am always worried that I'll get so drunk that I'll sleep with someone or lead someone on. It terrifies me. I'm a typical white girl when I get drunk, making declarations of love to anyone who looks at me for longer than 30 seconds. However, this was a party at my house, where I would be with my friends. So, I drank. Not enough to black out, just enough to feel good, enough to feel like I was floating and to believe the whole world was beautiful. I was getting a bit carried away so one of my friends took me to the upstairs bathroom where we sat and talked and she gave me toast and water. Then this boy pokes his head in, asking if I'm okay and if I need anything. For the rest of the night, he was constantly checking in with me. He sat right next to me and let me lay my head on his shoulder. Keep in mind that I never act like this, I am shy and reserved. But the vodka took the edge off, made everything shiny and new. He was so sweet and attentive, telling me how nice I was and me telling him he was my hero for the night. Every time I saw him I would announce his name, with three exclamation points at the end. Soon enough, the buzz faded and I dropped big time, so I went upstairs to my bedroom to go to sleep, but not before he said goodnight. That was it, he just said goodnight. He didn't grab at me, kiss me, or ask if he could join me in my room. He just said goodnight. He noticed I was leaving and wished me a good night. It was so simple, so easy. It made my asexual heart swell. I looked at him and thought that he was the nicest boy I had ever met. So the next morning I messaged him, thanking him for taking care of me. He responded and we chatted for just a bit. I thought that was it, thought that I could just keep the promise of "what if" in my head, imagining baking cake together (did you honestly think I wouldn't reference cake in this?), or drinking tea in the morning light. Then I went to one of my roommate's choir concerts. I did not realize that this boy would be there. I was taking a picture with my roommates (we're cute like that) and out of the corner of my eye I spot him. I shout his name, like I had at the party, but he's gone when we finish taking pictures. I thought nothing of it until he messaged me that night, apologizing for not staying to talk to me. He said his mom made him leave. I thought it was so sweet, that he remembered me. One of my roommates doesn't like him, says that he's way too nice all the time, that he's fake. I disagree. Then again, I really don't know him. 

 

I am planning on going to a show he is in this weekend, but I am not sure if it's a good idea. What if I have read too far into this? What if he is like this with everyone, just a nice guy? What if he thinks that I'm stalking him or something and is super creeped out? Even worse, what if he likes me too? What the hell do I do with that? 

 

My whole life, I have always had feelings for boys that would never feel the same. I think my heart picked them because of how unattainable they were, to keep itself safe. Every single time I have been flirted with, I choke. I feel my throat close up because they look at me and I can tell what they are seeing: Me, with less clothing of course. So I always shut it down. They always want what I cannot give. So I leave and move on. These boys that I have liked over the years, they were safe. I knew that nothing would happen so I let myself idealize the hell out of them from afar. I can't tell if this is different. I don't know if he likes me or if he really is just the sweetest boy on Earth. It's terrifying, it's risky. The romantic in me is so desperate to reach out, to see if maybe his hand is reaching out for me too. The asexual in me is much more concerned with the practicality of it. I don't think he's an ace, so I'm not sure if it is wise to pursue this. How would I even tell a boy interested in me that I'm ace? How do I even begin to explain it, this lack of feeling? What if he runs away? How would I cope with that? How do you survive when you open yourself up, palms up, and offer all that you can, only to have them walk away? I keep such a tight grip on myself. I never show my cards. I would love to put all of this baggage down, but I'm not sure how. I'm not sure who I am when left unguarded. 

 

So what do you think? Am I as crazy as I feel or has someone else out there felt this way? How did you bear it? Are any of fellow aces in relationships with an allosexual? How do you navigate that kind of relationship? Please send help, or maybe some angel food cake. Thanks for reading!

[Karst]

I can't give you any good advice here, but I hope things work out for you.  Welcome to AVEN, by the way!

[JMR]

It could be possible that he is just really sweet! Start by just building a friendship with him! Me and my (Allo) husband were friends for years before dating and I think that really helped us navigate the mixed sexuality aspect since we already had a base to start with! 
 

He was also just really sweet as friends and also made sure to look after me when I wasn’t feeling well! He’s just extremely romantic and has the sweetest heart! When we moved from friends to dating is when I let him know about the asexuality part. We had about a week long period where I explained my lack of sexuality and that being in a relationship with me meant there would be little physical intimacy and there was a huge possibility that there would be no kissing or sex. If that was something he needed then it was best if he dated someone else. I was very blunt and made my boundaries very clear of what I was looking for and what I wasn’t willing to compromise on. Over time I became more sex positive, so that has definitely made things easier and I can’t say for certain what would have happened if I was as repulsed as when we first got together. It’s not completely hopeless if he’s not ace, but there needs to be a lot of communication to see where compromises can be made and if your needs can be met with each other. I definitely wish you luck and so much happiness!

 

[elizabeth17]

hello! i'm an ace human in a quasi-romantic relationship with an allo human (we both had never been in legit romantic relationships before so we aren't the most clear on what romance is). Anyway things  were very easy with my partner because we were friends for a very long time before even thinking about each other as something distinct from friendship. However, I do think that him knowing I was asexual before we sort of decided to be partners was  very helpful. He was the first person I came out to and knows Im still struggling with my identity. We are just super explicit about boundaries (as one should be in any relationship, I think). I'm not saying become friends with this human for like a year before dating, but being super forward about being a sex repulsed asexual might be helpful. Also not all allosexual people need sex in a relationship (my partner doesn't care if we never do anything more than cuddling). You could also explore having an open relationship or polyamory down the line. 

[TreMartEyes]

I haven't had a relationship in 12 years so my perspective could be jaded. I don't think I could provide you answers to your situation. I can only reflect on my experiences. For me I have come to realize I don't need anyone. I have tried dating and  relationships over the years I have learned it just doesn't work for me.  I can tell you two things at 21 you don't have everything figured out and it only comes with time. Secondly, alcohol and relationships don't mix its like matches to gasoline. Give yourself time and figure out how to be you on your own terms and how you will define your life only you can answer these questions, 

[toujours]

On 11/11/2019 at 1:41 AM, Sleeplessinsecret said:

These boys that I have liked over the years, they were safe. I knew that nothing would happen so I let myself idealize the hell out of them from afar. I can't tell if this is different. I don't know if he likes me or if he really is just the sweetest boy on Earth.

There is only one way to know. Ask him out for coffee. Doesn't have to be tomorrow, but do not wait too long. I repeat, do not wait too long. The worst that can happen is that he says no, or that he says yes, then later it does not work. The best, is that it does. Either way you know.

 

I'm afraid I disagree with other posters, in that waiting and building a friendship before you get involved romantically isn't always the best approach. Everyone is different, and if that works for some people then that's great, but in my case, waiting before creating a romantic setting of some sort was my recipe for disaster and why I stayed single for so long.

 

The longer you wait to know the person, the longer you idealise the person, and the bigger the abyss grows between fantasy and reality. And the longer you stay just friends the greater the chances are you stay in the friend zone, forever.

 

Throughout my whole single life I idealised strangers, friends of friends, and even my best friend. As a result, I never entertained a crush on someone with whom I had an actual  chance with. And I suffered for years without knowing why none of the guys I liked seemed to like me, and always ended up finding someone else, even after meeting me.

 

The best love advice someone has ever given me is this: You can make friends with the person you have a crush on, but don't wait too long. If you do, the opportunity will go away. They'll meet someone new. Or they will start to see you as their sister. Do not let that sisterly feeling an opportunity to develop, but propose a romantic setting before that happens; that is when you have a shot.

 

Contrary to all my previous experience from all my single years, I followed this advice at the age of 32. After waiting and waiting for my crush to make a move after repeatedly seeing him at different events, and frustratingly seeing how nothing ever seemed to happen after 2 months of having met him, I decided to text him and ask him to go with me to a group event (not really a date, but the suggestion of one). He replied he could not make it, but proposed dinner (an actual date) another day instead. We kissed at the end of that dinner. He is now my parter of 8 years.

 

One day, I asked him if he would have taken the initiative to ask me out had I not made a move first. He said no, he would have been too scared, not knowing what my likely answer would be (my text did provide the small push he needed). There were many single women in that group of friends we hanged out with. Had I waited much longer, my opportunity would have slipped through my fingers. Such is life.

 

So, coffee. Not long from now.