When did you found out that you were nonbinary/transgender/other gender identity?

[Guest]

It’s a question i’ve always wanted to ask some of you guys with different gender identity. When i was a teenager i sometimes would imagine myself as a boy. But i didn’t knew at that time i was gender fluid, and didn’t knew anything about the LGBT community at that time. I always wanted to talk with the boys because they were nicer than the girls at my school. But it also made me feel comfortable about myself with my male gender identity. I hated and still do hate gender stereotypes. It was first some months ago i found out that i was gender fluid, and non-binary. Cause those days when i’m non-binary i hate public toilets and also have gender dysphoria sometimes(many times i’m comfortable about my body and loves my body. And sometimes i don’t). 

 

Now it’s your turn to tell your stories.

[PoeciMeta]

Thanks to AVEN =D

Always knew I had some kind of dysphoria, but this is a great place to learn about non-binary stuff! I found out about my agenderness here ^^ it's hard to find resources and identify experiences about lack of something, so it only makes sense that I'd find answers thanks to the asexual community~

[Bloc]

After recognizing that I am pan/bi and ace, I started questioning my gender being over 30. However in early puberty there were the first hints which I didn't understand at the time and suppressed the feelings. I mean every boy fantasizes about not having a penis and likes the idea 🤔. They just don't tell anybody because this is what is expected from them.

[Ms. Carolynne]

My egg started cracking about a year and 9 months ago, not long after questioning my sexuality (the first time, lol). It was through learning about and communicating with the trans community here on AVEN that I realized I was trans.

 

I've had thoughts and feeling related to my gender for as long as I can remember. I didn't know I was trans, but I always wanted to be a girl, and felt I was one on the inside. However, a lot of my feminine tendencies got me in trouble and bullied as a child, and I was taught that transgender people were freaks, that boys needed to act a certain way, and that I was one no matter what. So I ended up repressing a lot of stuff and developed a lot of internalized transphobia.

 

Now things have gone full circle, I'm starting to realize I'm not ace, but really it was a combination of dysphoria and the disconnect with my gender making me virtually asexual. Interestingly, I though back in highschool that I would like to be with girls if I were a girl, kind of a weird thought that I was way too repressed about my gender to seriously consider. It probably didn't help that I didn't know asexuality or sex aversion were a thing, just that I didn't want to be with anyone. Definitely not as a guy. In hindsight it probably should've been obvious.

 

I really wish I didn't grow up in such a conservative area, had LGBT education, and maybe used the internet a bit more. I seriously regret not having the opportunity to have figured this stuff out earlier in life. Granted it probably wouldn't have been any easier to deal with then, but I could've figured it out a long time ago and maybe have transitioned earlier. I feel as if three years ago actually would've been an optimal time to transition, if only I had known. Now I'm just pining for the right opportunity, and worry about getting too old. The clocks ticking, and I feel as if I'm wasting my early adulthood, and it's just going to be more awkward to transition the older I get.

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

My egg started cracking about a year and 9 months ago, not long after questioning my sexuality (the first time, lol). It was through learning about and communicating with the trans community here on AVEN that I realized I was trans.

 

I've had thoughts and feeling related to my gender for as long as I can remember. I didn't know I was trans, but I always wanted to be a girl, and felt I was one on the inside. However, a lot of my feminine tendencies got me in trouble and bullied as a child, and I was taught that transgender people were freaks, that boys needed to act a certain way, and that I was one no matter what. So I ended up repressing a lot of stuff and developed a lot of internalized transphobia.

 

Now things have gone full circle, I'm starting to realize I'm not ace, but really it was a combination of dysphoria and the disconnect with my gender making me virtually asexual. Interestingly, I though back in highschool that I would like to be with girls if I were a girl, kind of a weird thought that I was way too repressed about my gender to seriously consider. It probably didn't help that I didn't know asexuality or sex aversion were a thing, just that I didn't want to be with anyone. Definitely not as a guy. In hindsight it probably should've been obvious.

 

I really wish I didn't grow up in such a conservative area, had LGBT education, and maybe used the internet a bit more. I seriously regret not having the opportunity to have figured this stuff out earlier in life. Granted it probably wouldn't have been any easier to deal with then, but I could've figured it out a long time ago and maybe have transitioned earlier. I feel as if three years ago actually would've been an optimal time to transition, if only I had known. Now I'm just pining for the right opportunity, and worry about getting too old. The clocks ticking, and I feel as if I'm wasting my early adulthood, and it's just going to be more awkward to transition the older I get.

I’m so sorry to hear about your childhood. Have you told your parents that you were transgender? Because when i came out to my family that i was gender fluid, they were as accepting as when i came out as aro/ace. I hope your parents were. 

[Ms. Carolynne]

22 minutes ago, Cocothecoconut said:

I’m so sorry to hear about your childhood. Have you told your parents that you were transgender? Because when i came out to my family that i was gender fluid, they were as accepting as when i came out as aro/ace. I hope your parents were. 

My parents played a role with what happened to me. They never punished me, but they did push for me not to behave the way I did, and essentially it was my fault anytime I was bullied or got into trouble for being gender non-conforming. They reinforced the idea that gender non-conformity (and by extension being trans) was wrong.

 

My parents assume I'm gay and tell me not to be. They also have a rule of "not acting gay" in place for my brother, otherwise they would kick him out. My mom makes fun of transgender women all the time. She also jokes that since my brother is gay, he's basically the daughter they always wanted. They hound me for not showing interest in women and never having had a girlfriend. 

 

They've been openly homophobic and transphobic towards me throughout my life, so I'm not out as anything.

 

I didn't come out to them as ace when I thought I was (they wouldn't know what that is anyway), I'm not coming out to them as pan / questioning (they wouldn't know what that is anyway), and I guess I'll have to come out as trans at some point and that'll probably be the last they hear from me unless they pull some miraculous turnaround and stop being nimby's about the big gay. Their attitude towards my brother's homosexuality tells me otherwise, and his situation is a lot less complicated and more socially acceptable.

 

My parents don't support me being anything but straight and gender conforming.

[Bloc]

41 minutes ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

Now things have gone full circle, I'm starting to realize I'm not ace, but really it was a combination of dysphoria and the disconnect with my gender making me virtually asexual.

This is also true for me. However I believe that I am more demisexual than allosexual. However from the starting to identify under the ace umbrella I was sure that I am some shade of grey ace. In some sense I got more sexual after identifying as grey ace, because it took the expectation of sex away and gave me the freedom to navigate sex on my terms. At the moment I first identified as grey ace I was functional asexual, however with time and more understanding of my gender and my dysphoria I got more and more curious about having sex with someone special. I still need a close emotional connection with someone to see them as someone I might be sexually attracted to. I am not sure if I need this to develop the trust they respect my dysphoria or it is just the way I genuinely connect to people. In any case the sexual connection is only secondary and I could have a perfectly  happy relationship with just cuddling and kissing.

[Bloc]

@Ms. Carolynne Sorry, that your parents are homophobic and transphobic.

[Snao Cone]

I'm still figuring this out and I'm in my mid-30s. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ There are a lot of other "different" things about me that made me dissatisfied with my body overall, so I assumed my lack of strong sense of female-ness was part of those struggles rather than a non-binary identity itself. And maybe that is still the case. I feel alienated from a lot of womanly things, but what counts as "womanly" is a flawed system of gender norms. So...do I express my dissent to gender norms by eschewing binary genders, or asserting that femininity is not a compulsory part of womanhood? 

 

This would've been very different if enby identities got as much attention in the 90s as they do now. 

[Guest]

45 minutes ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

My parents played a role with what happened to me. They never punished me, but they did push for me not to behave the way I did, and essentially it was my fault anytime I was bullied or got into trouble for being gender non-conforming. They reinforced the idea that gender non-conformity (and by extension being trans) was wrong.

 

My parents assume I'm gay and tell me not to be. They also have a rule of "not acting gay" in place for my brother, otherwise they would kick him out. My mom makes fun of transgender women all the time. She also jokes that since my brother is gay, he's basically the daughter they always wanted. They hound me for not showing interest in women and never having had a girlfriend. 

 

They've been openly homophobic and transphobic towards me throughout my life, so I'm not out as anything.

 

I didn't come out to them as ace when I thought I was (they wouldn't know what that is anyway), I'm not coming out to them as pan / questioning (they wouldn't know what that is anyway), and I guess I'll have to come out as trans at some point and that'll probably be the last they hear from me unless they pull some miraculous turnaround and stop being nimby's about the big gay. Their attitude towards my brother's homosexuality tells me otherwise, and his situation is a lot less complicated and more socially acceptable.

 

My parents don't support me being anything but straight and gender conforming.

I’m glad that my parents and my family  supports me for who i am. They don’t have the big expectation of me(you know having a husband and kids) since they already knew that i was different. When i came out as gender fluid, i was kind of scared because i didn’t knew what their reaction was since they always saw me as a woman all the time. But they weren’t mad. They still love me for who i am. But i’m definitely sorry to hear about your parents discrimination against you. But i didn’t came out to my boss and workmates. It’s a lot more different, and it kind of makes me anxious to tell them. Because even though that country where i live supports the lgbt community, it’s not everyone who supports it. We’re very religious but we don’t discriminate homosexuals and treat them bad. We believe that everyone has to be loved no matter what. You gotta be strong and love yourself for who you are. 

[Guest]

It was in my teens that I pictured myself in the mirror being a girl. Having stuffed my shirt ...

 

It didn't register to me as something that would be related to being transgender, I mean... everyone does this right?  

 

Took another 16+ years to finally get a clue that I was and broke out of my eggshell  

 

Also, taking a hint that no one hetero-romantic was really attracted to me either. Sooo. Once I met another transgirl and shared experienced, I realized... I had to do something.

[Kimmie.]

I have had some feelings sence my puberty but never took it seriously. Played dressup stuffed my shirt and things like that and I like it. But when i came around 3 years ago and then things started to fall in to place. I am just out to myself and people here so far but one day.

[KoiFishShoes]

Semi-questioned for almost two years, found a word that actually feels like it fits last Saturday. Going to sit with it a while and see how it feels - it may turn out I just like experimenting with gender expression.

[kiaroskuro]

1 hour ago, Snao van der Cone said:

I'm still figuring this out and I'm in my mid-30s. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ There are a lot of other "different" things about me that made me dissatisfied with my body overall, so I assumed my lack of strong sense of female-ness was part of those struggles rather than a non-binary identity itself. And maybe that is still the case. I feel alienated from a lot of womanly things, but what counts as "womanly" is a flawed system of gender norms. So...do I express my dissent to gender norms by eschewing binary genders, or asserting that femininity is not a compulsory part of womanhood?

I've got to the point where I reject all gender identity labels, 'man' or 'woman' don't fit and I personally don't need a new artificial category to put myself in.

What am I then, a gender-apathetic female person? Gender non-conforming? Who cares anyway?

I like your way of expressing what I've been feeling for a long time: I want to assert that 'feminity is not a compulsory part of womanhood'. Then again, the term 'womanhood' (when used in regard to myself) makes me cringe quite a bit. It's complicated.

[Snao Cone]

Just now, kiaroskuro said:

I've got to the point where I reject all gender identity labels, 'man' or 'woman' don't fit and I personally don't need a new artificial category to put myself in.

What am I then, a gender-apathetic female person? Gender non-conforming? Who cares anyway?

I like your way of expressing what I've been feeling for a long time: I want to assert that 'feminity is not a compulsory part of womanhood'. Then again, the term 'womanhood' (when used in regard to myself) makes me cringe quite a bit. It's complicated.

Yeah, "womanhood" is a cringey word. I don't mind "woman" as much because it's far better than "female" "lady" or "girl" by a long shot. I also hate Mrs/Ms/Miss, and I will go by Mx if necessary (though I prefer no such titles). I don't mind she/her pronouns. I don't know what this mix of opinions and reservations makes me, gender-wise. I don't feel agender, because there are some feminine things about me (and some masculine things) that I like to express. I also strongly believe that these things can be expressed by anyone of any gender, and that's been my attitude towards gender for as far as I can remember. It's all a murky situation in my head right now. 🙃

[Luftschlosseule]

I am genderfluid and somehow realised there is this shift in my gender identity. I knew that one part of my personal spectrum is woman, and thanks to reading on AVEN I  found out about being enby and agender and it fit the bill. After realising I'm agender I realised I am enby and after that I realised that I am trans.

 

But to make matters easier I tell people mostly I am agender as I am there most of the time. It's already difficult enough to tell people about non binary genders, I don't want to confuse them by telling them that it changes constantly.

[Guest]

I suspected that I was somewhere close to being agender maybe a year or two ago, but then I let myself be convinced by someone else that I am more feminine than I actually am. It seemed like maybe it was possible that I was more feminine than other women and that's why I didn't feel like one of them; I thought maybe it's because they have masculine qualities that I don't. I always had a lot of trouble trying to fit in with other girls and now women, though. It's obvious I'm not the same. They're all connected in some way and I just seem to be unable to connect with them like they can with eachother.

[PoeciMeta]

30 minutes ago, Snao van der Cone said:

I don't feel agender, because there are some feminine things about me (and some masculine things) that I like to express. I also strongly believe that these things can be expressed by anyone of any gender, and that's been my attitude towards gender for as far as I can remember. It's all a murky situation in my head right now. 🙃

Relatable! Well, not exactly, since I am agender, but the thing is I don't see most things as intrinsically gendered, especially if it's tastes or interest. So, there are things about me that are seen as masculine or feminine (few things have escaped that categorisation anyway... ^^') but I don't see them as such, nor do they have an influence on my (lack of a) gender. However I'm having a hard time pinning down what ''feeling agender'' is, if it's even a thing, so

[Guest]

Yeah, gender expression is separate from gender and doesn't really mean anything.

[Missing]

I had dysphoria for as long as I can remember, but it was never something I felt like I could talk about or do anything about when I was growing up, so I kind of just resigned myself to suffering with it. But there were a lot of signs that others might have been able to pick up on like how I’d cringe anytime someone referred to me as my gender assigned at birth and if they openly made assumptions about me based on my birth sex, I’d get visibly upset, and not just in the “that’s sexist” sort of way.

 

It wasn’t until I was about 16 that I confided in a couple friends what I was feeling because it was getting more difficult to deal with on my own as I was going through puberty. When I told them, one of them said “oh, so you’re trans?” And I thought, “oh, I suppose I am, aren’t I?” So I started doing research into it and that’s when I learned about HRT. I was hesitant about starting it because I knew it couldn’t do everything and I wasn’t sure if I would actually be happy with anything less. So I tried everything I could to be happy living as the gender I was assigned. I knew I’d be giving up a lot of privilege, a lot of comfort in public, and my partner at the time who I knew wouldn’t stay if I transitioned. So I kind of buried all those feelings, but my dysphoria triggers were only getting worse.

 

Finally, around age 21 I came across HRT before and after videos on YouTube and I cried my eyes out. I felt like maybe it would be enough for me to be happy with my body for the first time in my life and that I had to at least try. But I was still hesitant since I didn’t want to leave my partner. She took notice of my obsession with those videos and my constant crying and finally sat me down to understand exactly how I was feeling. As soon as she knew how serious the feelings were for me, she broke up with me so that she would no longer be the reason I wasn’t doing what I had to, and so she could support me through my transition as my best friend. So far she’s been there for me every step of the way and I’m so lucky to have someone like her in my life.

 

I wish I had been able to start my transition a lot earlier, but I think the experience of trying and failing at NOT transitioning helped me be more confident in my choice to take the whole thing on when times got tough.

[Snao Cone]

31 minutes ago, Moony's Boy Child said:

Yeah, gender expression is separate from gender and doesn't really mean anything.

This is something I'm trying to apply to myself. I've always held that about other people, but like on many issues, I'm way harder on myself about it. For a few years I was wearing dresses and jewelry because I found it fun to play with that given a newfound confidence in spite of my size. But that wore off. It was about playing with ideas and forms, not expressing something intrinsic. If anything it speaks to fluidity. 

[Larkaloke]

Either fairly early or only rather recently.

 

I didn't think about such things at all when I was a kid. Around thirteen, when I hit puberty, I started really hating my chesting and feeling generally bad about all the usual congratulatory remarks that go around with that milestone in life and all that. Through most of my teenage years I wore more baggy shirts than necessary and just kind of... hoped all the problems would go away, although obviously they wouldn't. I asked myself repeatedly whether I was trans, but since my frame of reference then was only for binary transition, I always came up with "no, I'd be equally uncomfortable the other way". I tried to let it drop when I was in my early twenties on; I generally felt better about myself due to being able to deal with more social situations and due to a lot of working out and such. I also went through a time of decrying absolutely anything behavioral related to gender as a stereotype, which I regret, because it was really pretty annoying and upset a bunch of people. I think that was my last ditch attempt at trying to convince myself I didn't need to change anything, or something like that.

 

But of course, the problem never really went away, and once I started finding out more about non-binary identities - after I'd already realized that I was aro ace - I started slowly coming to the conclusion that I was also agender. At first I told myself pronouns didn't matter and I didn't care how people referred to me, but that was definitely not true, and it only got more not true once I heard other people in real life referred to with neutral pronouns and really, really wished that could be me.

 

So  you could say that I found out around when I was thirteen, but you could also say I found out as recently as when I was twenty-eight or twenty-nine. The important thing is that I'm feeling a lot better in general now that I have acknowledged it and am out to the majority of people.

[DuranDuranfan]

Well, I’m 38 so I’m a late bloomer, if you will. I was raised in the 80s and 90s so a lot of the gender identity terms I never even heard of. But my first experience of being non conforming was when I was around eight or nine, and I was at this water park without a swimsuit so I took off my shirt. Just had on my shorts. I felt like I was being stared at and I think someone said something to my mom. 

 

When I started developing I felt self conscious about my appearance and ever since then, I had constant dysthymia(low grade depression). 

 

It wasn’t until this year when I got my binder and put it on that the dysthymia went away. So I think it was dysphoria about my body. I knew there were times where I felt more feminine and times that I felt more masculine, all I needed was to put a name to it. Saw the term bigender, and it was like AHA! That’s me. 

 

Same with when I also questioned my sexual orientation.

[anisotrophic]

While I was always not stereotypically female, there was an event several years ago (in my mid-30s, after my first child) that caused my gender identity – or my perception of gender, as a construct – to fall apart. I started wearing men's clothes, being female was stifling, I became allergic to all feminine gender performance.

At the time wondered if I wanted to become a man. But that wasn't the answer, and I left it at that. The next shift was a couple years later, when I became familiar with non-binary options.

 

That freed me to realize I could be whatever I wanted. I publicly identified as non-binary last year. I don't have physical dysphoria but I did want to change physically, so I postponed T to have one last child, and now I'm very happily on T for the past three months. I don't mind that I didn't transition earlier, I value having four decades of "female" (including some very biological ways!) as part of my life experience. But it isn't what I want to be for the remainder of my life!  

I think I'm unusual on AVEN as being both trans and never having identified as asexual, and still don't – it was actually my partner that brought me here, although he seems to be pretty OK with sex when I'm 100% asking, leading, thanking – a dynamic that T seems to be shifting me towards, which worried me, but ... it seems to be working out OK? He identifies as a sex-indifferent asexual, and maybe that helped set a better dynamic for setting my expectations and requests, and being careful that it's positive for him.

[Janus the Fox]

At around after the time of losing a great deal of weight, nearly 10 years ago now and fixing/accommodating the physical health/mental /neurological.  I never thought differently, or thought at all on gender until that point.  I became rather body aware, found my preference in women's clothing, changing the little things I can change and awaiting a gender dysphoria test next moth.  Both as an Agender and fem-trans male.

[Fraggle Underdark]

About 2 or 3 years ago. I heard about trans people growing up with dysphoria and I thought about whether I could relate. The answer was no and I thought about whether I'd have dysphoria if I were AFAB and the answer was also no. I realized I just don't care what gender by body is or is seen as. (Except insofar as there's a lot of societal benefits to being seen as male.) I'd actually thought that was normal (a common pattern in this thread) but it was 2 or 3 years ago I learned it wasn't.

 

I've always disliked gender roles and gender expectations and the terms masculine and feminine though, even going back to elementary school. I totally get why people use them, they're such common concepts in our society, and it gets linguistically awkward trying to describe those patterns any other way, like if you wanted to describe someone as "low maintenance with a tendency towards independence and material accomplishment". (I'm not saying that encapsulated "masculinity" just that it's a lot shorter to say "masculine" when describing things like that and so people tend to use the word.)

 

What I dislike is society telling other people what their gender means. I don't disagree with statistics; you can look at the data or studies about personality traits, or just take a glance at the gender ratio in a mosh pit. I'm not saying whether those trends are nurture or nature. My point is that I just don't care what's typical. Not relevant. Let any person of any gender act or dress however they want without needing to tell them that fits the norm for their gender or not.

 

If someone wants to wear a dress and high heels great. If they want to pair it with a cigar and an army helmet, great. If they are male or female or anything else while doing that, great. In a descriptive sense I'd be considered fairly "masculine" with my physical style and personality traits. But I just don't connect those to my gender at all. And I have more interest in psychology and social cues and subtext than most men do and some people would say that's "feminine" but I don't connect that to gender either and don't appreciate someone implying I'm "less male" (whatever that means) for having the interest.

 

I want to be respectful of people who do have gendered identities too. And if they have their own idea of what a man or a woman or anything else is and they want to live up to that, that's great too. But it seems like everyone would have an easier time, even the people who identify with their gender assigned at birth, if society just let people act and dress as they wanted without forcing people to tie this into their gender identity.

 

There's a rough analogy here of introverts and extroverts: sure there are differences in taste and habits and behavior of these two groups but society doesn't see any need to group all human behavior into "introvert-y" and "extrovert-y" things and make any fuss about it if an introvert enjoys something "extrovert-y". 

 

Maybe I'm mistaken and I've missed something, if I've been offensive I sincerely apologize and please let me know. There was an interesting dialogue about gender expression and I felt like adding my thoughts.

 

6 hours ago, Snao van der Cone said:

I don't mind "woman" as much because it's far better than "female" "lady" or "girl" by a long shot.

My apologies Snao 🙇‍♀️ I've had a tendency to use "female" rather than "woman" and will probably do so in the future but I'm open to having my mind changed. Personally "woman" has connotations to me of people talking about people as if their genders made them separate species or something and saying things like "Women, amirite?" If I have to talk about categories of gendered people as a noun I try to say "female people" (or similar) but it gets a little awkward especially if repeated so I sometimes use female as a noun.

[Guest]

I think of women as being sexual and/or having motherly qualities. I would feel very awkward if anyone referred to me as a woman. 'Female' seems to be less specific.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, fragglerock said:

I realized I just don't care what gender by body is or is seen as.

I feel the same. I wouldn't say I am perfectly agender but I feel pretty close.  I think the only problem I would have with being male-bodied is that I am even less masculine than I am feminine, and I would probably get a ton of shit for not being manly enough.

[scarletlatitude]

I don't know. I just never really felt "girl" or "boy". I floated somewhere in the middle... Not agender, but not binary either. All of the females in my family are tomboy-ish so it didn't really matter. I like to describe my gender as "meh" because IDGAF (literally  ), and for labels I pick gender fluid because that's as close as I can get to it. 

[Guest]

I’m still figuring it out and not really comfortable putting a label on it. I think after coming to terms with my sexual orientation I felt more willing to explore how I defined my gender. I’ve never been satisfied with conforming to female stereotypes yet I don’t want to be a man either. Sometimes I think I’d be better of not having genitalia.