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I'm Thinking I'm Not Ace, But Sex Averse and Possibly Pan


Ms. Carolynne

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Ms. Carolynne

So I've been going through some stuff over the past couple of months, and things have changed for me. I am definitely attracted to women sexually, and perhaps others as well. I've started to notice women in a way I hadn't before, and I think I have sexual feelings now. I don't know whether this is some latent thing, or just something that's kind of been lurking beneath the surface. However, I do feel my gender dysphoria and incongruity with my biological sex and assigned gender may have led me to be sex averse, perhaps to the extent of being practically asexual up until recently. It is something that has come up though, and it has also stirred some additional dysphoria.

 

I'm questioning whether I'm some flavor of pansexual too, mostly because I might like guys (and presumably enbies) as well, though this isn't common and is kind of hypothetical. I think I'm really just attracted to feminine people more than I am any specific gender, though I do prefer women as they often posses the traits I find attractive.

 

I made a post on Reddit as well, and it goes a little bit more in depth.

 

 

 

The same stuff from the Reddit post, just in case there's any issue.



Where do I begin? About two years ago I began questioning my sexuality, and I came across AVEN and learned about asexuality. I was attracted to women, but something wasn't clicking for me, but soon I figured I was a heteroromantic asexual.

Then I got involved with the trans community and began questioning my gender, and came to the realization that I am trans.

I stuck with my identity for a while, but things started changing over the past couple of months. I started noticing women more, and in a way that is definitely sexual. I definitely like women, I know that much.

This has gotten me questioning again, even more so as this has stirred up more gender dysphoria, especially genital / bottom dysphoria. I'm starting to think that perhaps my disconnect is related to my disconnect I have with my biological sex and assigned gender. That is to say, I'm sex averse / repulsed due to gender dysphoria, not asexual.

I've put further thought into it, and I feel if I were AFAB I'd be sexual. If I were a cis woman I'd be sexual. This isn't my first time thinking this either, I thought it back in highschool, but was way too repressed on my gender identity to give it any real thought (I also had no idea what asexuality was, nor that sex averse / repulsed were a thing).

I realized that I do have some sexual desire, just not as the man I have to pretend to be, that others want to force me to be, and not with my body as it currently is. However my sexuality has come to the surface, and it's hard to ignore that I do have sexual feelings after all. I'm not sure whether they're latent or were there and just went unaddressed, but I've been having a lot of confusing feelings lately, and asexual no longer fits me.

The reason I think I may be pan? Well, some guys (and I assume enbies) can be kind of attractive too. It's not common though, and I'm not sure it's sexual, IDK. A few months back though I had my first crush on a guy, and so thought at the time maybe I could be biromantic. I've also had a few incidents where I saw a feminine guy, and felt something.

Anyway, I feel I'm attracted more so to femininity in general, perhaps more so than I am sex / gender. I do like feminine secondary sex characteristics (such as breasts and curves), but anyone who presents feminine can be attractive to me. It's just more likely for women to have characteristics I consider attractive, so it's mostly women I'm attracted to. I also happen to not care about genitals, for what it's worth, that's not much of a factor for me.

I really just needed to vent I guess, and get this off of my chest. I've had it on my mind for the past week or so, and I just needed to collect my thoughts and put them out there. Maybe I'm pan but prefer femininity, maybe I'm homoflexible, or perhaps just lesbian and not really certain.

Can anybody here relate?

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Hi

It is great to see you again and that you have found out more on your self discovery travel. 

 

Just take your time. 

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Yes, I can relate - to a certain extent at least. Ever since I joined AVEN so many things have changed for the better. I finally had a name for my ... let's call it gender discomfort. And as far as sexual orientation is concerned: when I joined AVEN I felt very confident in my identity as an asexual, for the first time in my life. But this awareness was a real eye-opener. It brought about lots of self-reflection and a distinct sense of being queer. Now it dawns on me that, in all probability, I'm actually not as asexual as I thought I was.

 

It feels nice that my "lurking" things are finally emerging from beneath the surface. I hope you feel similarly about your discoveries.

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I can relate a lot to your story. During the last months I am questioning if I am more sexual than I believed before. About two and a half years ago I came to the conclusion that I am grey ace. Effectively I was asexual as I could not see myself having sex, but there was a voice in the background that I am not completely ace. Then I began to question my gender and started my first relationship. The relationship was mostly asexual. With better understanding my dysphoria I learned how to navigate sexual situations and what triggers my dysphoria, e.g. penetration. So I get more curious of having sex. Still sex is not what draws me to people. With people I am attracted to I want to cuddle, make out, make them feel good and if this involves sex in a way not triggering my dysphoria I enjoy the sex. However I already need an emotional connection with someone to be comfortable to let it get sexual or even see them as a potential sex partner. If I don't have this emotional connection I am unable to just imagine having sex with them.

 

Gender is not really important for my attraction, but the behavior of many cis men makes me uncomfortable to be vulnerable enough to even consider the possibility of having sex with them. Also my dysphoria makes my reluctant with cis people in general,as I am unsure if they consider my dysphoria.

 

It is great to hear that get to know yourself better. I believe like you I would be allosexual if I had a vulva and no penis. I am not sure if I would enjoy penetration then. This is a exciting journey to go along.

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