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'Self-partnering'


Whore*of*Mensa

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Whore*of*Mensa

 

'Once upon a time we were brought up on fairytales. If we were lucky, they said, we would meet a prince or princess and live happily ever after. If not, we would tread a lonely road to the grave, with only cats to comfort us.

But an increasing number of “single-positive” people are rejecting the notion that true love is the only path to happiness. Just this week, the actor Emma Watson told Vogue how a “bloody influx of subliminal messaging” had left her “stressed and anxious” because she was heading into her 30s without a husband and baby. Now, however, she is “very happy” to be single. “I call it being self-partnered.”'

 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/nov/06/consciously-uncoupled-the-joy-of-self-partnership

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Lord Jade Cross

It isnt new, although I suppose that as more time passes, this will come to be an accepted norm rather than exceptions just as a family unit stopped being a husband goes to work while a wife stays at home to raise the kids thing.

 

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I related to this so much. Even as a cis-man, the societal pressure to not be single is really overwhelming. It made me do some really dumb things and waste loads of time dating and trying to partner up even though I didn't want it, making me very unhappy and thinking there was something wrong with me for not wanting it

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Self-partnering sounds really stupid to me, like single pringle sounds so much better. You're a pringle. EYEYE 

 

But yes being single makes me and so many other people far more happy. 

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I always ask for the benefits of having a partner and/or children. Asking for explanations puts the "pressure" back on them. All the points people like to bring up can be refuted easily:

 

Wouldn't it be nice to come home to somebody? - No, I work with people all day, leave me the fuck alone after that.

What about children? - I don't like them and this planet is overpopulated as is. 

What if you end up being alone when you're old? - That's the plan :D also, having a spouse/children doesn't guarantee anything.

 

I really cannot think of a legitimate reason for me to be in a romantic relationship. I don't know how to navigate them, I have no idea where the benefit in comparison to a friendship is and I'm not inclined to memorise all the unspoken rules that come with them.

 

I would never call it "self-partnered" though, that sounds like too much of a shoehorn. "Can't find somebody, so I'll just settle for myself." I don't want a partner, full stop.

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Lord Jade Cross
2 hours ago, Homer said:

I always ask for the benefits of having a partner and/or children. Asking for explanations puts the "pressure" back on them. All the points people like to bring up can be refuted easily:

 

Wouldn't it be nice to come home to somebody? - No, I work with people all day, leave me the fuck alone after that.

What about children? - I don't like them and this planet is overpopulated as is. 

What if you end up being alone when you're old? - That's the plan :D also, having a spouse/children doesn't guarantee anything.

 

I really cannot think of a legitimate reason for me to be in a romantic relationship. I don't know how to navigate them, I have no idea where the benefit in comparison to a friendship is and I'm not inclined to memorise all the unspoken rules that come with them.

 

That gives me an idea. Made a contract where a relationships terms and conditiones are outline and present it when people ask. If they even object to one single thing, you can say "See? its not so simple as you want it to be" 

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2 hours ago, Homer said:

Wouldn't it be nice to come home to somebody? - No, I work with people all day, leave me the fuck alone after that.

What about children? - I don't like them and this planet is overpopulated as is. 

What if you end up being alone when you're old? - That's the plan :D also, having a spouse/children doesn't guarantee anything.

I had similar answers to these questions for a long time. And then, my biological drive to partner-up kicked in and screwed up my forever single plan :( I wish people had explained to me that the real reason they partner up is due to human's biological need to connect deeply with another being, all the above question/answers are secondary. *sigh* I screwed up big time. Feel like its too late to change my plans... unless I can find an asexual partner who can magically fit into my life-plan.

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14 hours ago, Chihiro said:

I had similar answers to these questions for a long time. And then, my biological drive to partner-up kicked in and screwed up my forever single plan :( I wish people had explained to me that the real reason they partner up is due to human's biological need to connect deeply with another being, all the above question/answers are secondary. *sigh* I screwed up big time. Feel like its too late to change my plans... unless I can find an asexual partner who can magically fit into my life-plan.

There's a biological drive to partner-up? I've heard of biological drives for socialisation, sex and procreation, but not monogamous relationships. Aren't they more of a societal construction?

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8 minutes ago, œddy said:

There's a biological drive to partner-up? I've heard of biological drives for socialisation, sex and procreation, but not monogamous relationships. Aren't they more of a societal construction?

I used to think of it as a social construct too, but unfortunately its a human need. I have everything that I need in my life now- just like I wanted, but instead of being happily single, I feel so empty. I am not even a fan of romance and the thought of dating bores me but unfortunately, I can't ignore my need to 'belong to someone' and to 'be with someone'. Logically, it feels stupid to even admit that I need relationship to be happy/fulfilled. I wish someone would invent a relationship antidote -_-

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We know for sure that some people are happy on their own and single, while others are not (not to confuse being alone with long term sensory deprivation). Both sides should respect each other, as "there is indeed alot of pressure to date", as well as "not being able to find even a cuddle buddy when you need one can be crushing" respectively. This isn't about insecurity, people understand these core concepts. It's how they act and react that causes issues, that's when problems come in. There really is alot of confusion going on, when it's not really all that complicated. It just takes an open mind.

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On 11/6/2019 at 3:31 PM, Homer said:

not inclined to memorise all the unspoken rules that come with them.

Thanks, that is a good way of putting it. And even though I once was inclined to memorise those rules in order to feel normal, I simply couldn't live up to them, mostly because I didn't memorise and realize that my partner would/could/should live up to them for my sake either, and they gave me a bad conscience.

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Moved to Romantic And Aromantic Orientations

Homer

Moderator World Watch

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Anthracite_Impreza
12 hours ago, œddy said:

There's a biological drive to partner-up? I've heard of biological drives for socialisation, sex and procreation, but not monogamous relationships. Aren't they more of a societal construction?

Of course there is, it provides stability when raising children if at least two people are deeply invested. Without romance to hold the male and female together, the male could just wander off and leave the female alone with a very high needs infant. That's why the "7 year itch" is a thing; a kid doesn't need quite so much pandering by that point so one or both partners can consider breaking up and making other kids.

 

Using scientific terms because not getting into every gender identity and orientation here, just the ones that create offspring.

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scarletlatitude

I saw this on FB. They finally made an orientation that fits me perfectly. :P 

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I get and appreciate what she's saying and how by calling it "self-partnering" she's re-framing the negative "single" into a more neutral word.....BUT, it sounds very pretentious to someone superficially reading a headline who isn't trying to understand her perspective. It looks to me like she's put more thought into her answer than most will want to understand.

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DarkStormyKnight

Honestly I'm all about the Emma Watson thing, and I kinda like the term "self-partnered" because it seems less weird than like "married to myself" and requires less explanations than "happy being single." And power to her for putting it out in the open like that, no it isn't new, but talking about makes it more normal which is nice.

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On 11/11/2019 at 4:59 PM, DarkStormyKnight said:

requires less explanations than "happy being single."

What about "happy being single" needs an explanation? :huh: People are weird.

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1 hour ago, Homer said:

What about "happy being single" needs an explanation? :huh: People are weird.

because the terms are mutually exclusive for so many people? I suppose if you are used to something the opposite feels weird.

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