Artistic__Miles Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 Romance/romantic love is often described as this wonderous thing that once you've felt it it's like a part of you is complete. Is this true for some people? If so, does that mean aros don't get to feel this incredible thing? Are our lives lacking because of it? Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 If you don't actually want it, why would it be missing out? I don't think I'm missing out on skydiving; I don't *want* to go skydiving. Link to post Share on other sites
vega57 Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 I've never felt like anyone else "completed me". I was "complete" on my own. As for "missing out" on something 'wonderful', 'wonderful' is in the eye of the beholder. I have known (women especially) who have said that they were so "in love" that they physically hurt when their partner wasn't around. Not something I want to experience any time soon... Link to post Share on other sites
mausgrau Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 30 minutes ago, DistressedAro said: Romance/romantic love is often described as this wonderous thing that once you've felt it it's like a part of you is complete. Is this true for some people? If so, does that mean aros don't get to feel this incredible thing? Are our lives lacking because of it? If I felt my life lacking because of this, I wouldn't be aro. Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 Not any more than asexuals are "missing out" on the joys/pleasure of sex. We don't want it, so why would having it matter? Link to post Share on other sites
layabout Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 I don't think so. Love to me seems like the most unoriginal emotion to encapsulate in art. So many works of art including paintings, songs and poems have been made in the pursuit of expressing love and for what? It all draws on the same uninspiring elements and themes. I honestly didn't even think that romantic love was a real thing when I was a small child. Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 No. There are lots of things I don't want in life. Am I missing out because of that long list of things? Like sure, if you meet someone and want to pair up - go ahead! But if you don't it's not like... idek... an issue. Forcing something definitely isn't the best way to go about things. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 If you don't want it in the first place, you can't really be missing out. Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 I think its sort of like asking if blue looks the same to someone else. I can't think of any way to really describe how something makes a person feel, and translate that to a different person. For me, a romantic sexual relationship feels very different and better than a platonic one. There is now way that I can tell if a platonic relationships for an ace person feels like a romantic relationship does for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Yeast Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 Missing out on what might be a negative experience is a good thing, not a bad thing. Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 I would think no, because my friends who have been married for like 20 years say, "You're not missing anything." So I believe it. When people are in their teens and twenties, all they care about is sex and so-called relationships. Thirty years later, after marriage and infidelity and heartbreak and divorce... sometimes even the people who were the most what we call "boy crazy" back then are like, "give me a break." Actually, it's kind of interesting - and kind of sad - to see what becomes of people and what happens to their lives over the decades. Link to post Share on other sites
Laplace Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 The only thing that bothers me is that it’s very difficult to relate to the average person when romance or relationship stuff is brought up. Friends and coworkers will just be distraught and in total despair over relationship problems and I’ll just be sitting there like a lump cause it’s hard to empathize. For me personally, it makes it hard to support people in that situation. However, that all really shows how that sort of stuff is kinda messy. Brings aromantic means we don’t get tangled in those stress-inducing webs. While some starry-eyed romantics will say the pain is worth it, maybe being able to just sidestep all the drama compensates for the potential missed experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Lunala Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 I'm aromantic and I DON'T feel like I'm "missing out" on anything. In fact, I feel great about not getting crushes because crushes sound like a lot of boring, sappy drama that I personally don't like getting involved in. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 I’m not missing out on something that’s not desired. As Aro in a relationship, there’s nothing being missed about it for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Techie Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 While I am a heteroromantic and have on several occasions had strong emotional feelings for women I have known, I have found it to be an terrible annoyance because the of the ACE factor. As I once said to an aro on another thread here, I truly envied him because I had half of "the package" and was burdened with an attraction I really could not act upon. Either give me both choices on the menu or none but just getting the "appetizer" without the "main course" is a frustration I have had for 40+ years. (Yes it almost lunch time and I thinking of food 😀) Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 I have never felt like I "couldn't act" upon my romantic attractions despite being ace. But maybe that's because I have never really became close friends with particularly sexually-driven people in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantasmal Fingers Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 In a sense, I would suppose, romantic love to a person in love is like religion to the religious or mystical experience to the mystic or science to the scientist: ineffable and thus incommunicable and unknowable to others who are not of like mind. My parents told me they fell in love at first sight, Stendhal fainted when he entered St Peter's in Rome and apparently Lord Kelvin used to become quite emotional when talking about the beauty of certain mathematical equations. In another sense though, how do you know you are not missing out on something if you've ever had some sort of transcendent experience yourself? If you really knew you were missing out you wouldn't have been able to imagine asking the question in the first place! I may be what is termed aromantic but ironically I also strike me as being, in many ways, very romantic... Link to post Share on other sites
brbdogsonfire Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 I think it would be missing out in the way it is something else most people can under certain conditions get satisfaction from, but I don't think it's something that causes a negative to not experience. From personal experience I'd say a large majority of relationships are not happy. From experience I'd also say most sexual people are not satisfied with their relationships sex for various reasons. So although they can bring people happiness it brings pain to most. So technically I could see an argument being made for missing out on something, but realistically no your not missing out. Link to post Share on other sites
Firefly8 Posted November 7, 2019 Share Posted November 7, 2019 I'm also missing out on coffee, sushi, what being a parent feels like, what being a man feels like, what flying a plane feels like, and what floating in outer space feels like. I can't experience all the good feelings in the world, but there are more good experiences possible out there than there is time to experience them. You enjoy what you like and I'll enjoy what I like. Link to post Share on other sites
fuzzipueo Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 Coming late to the party, but I can't say I've missed out on anything romance-wise. Link to post Share on other sites
Techie Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 On 11/5/2019 at 11:48 AM, Philip027 said: I have never felt like I "couldn't act" upon my romantic attractions despite being ace. When I say "couldn't act" upon, for me it is a mental block. While I could certainly go through the peripheries of a romantic relationship, as I would have no issues with hugging/cuddling/mild kissing, I also know full well that I am most likely heading towards a brick wall where I would get to the "it's not you, it's me" speech. I have no desire to put another person through that, especially someone I had romantic feelings for. Knowing ahead of time my 40+ year lack of interest in an intimate relationship, I feel it would be a rather despicable act on my part to initiate a relationship with a woman knowing ahead of time I would probably wind up having to break it off. Either that or grit my teeth and play act. Of course, that most likely would only prolong the inevitable as I am sure the mental strain would take a toll on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 There isn't anything wrong or deceptive about it if you're upfront about your expectations early on (and what NOT to expect). That's putting the ball in the other person's court and letting them choose whether or not they want to stay. Just like you also have the choice of whether or not to stay in a relationship that you feel isn't ticking all your boxes. Link to post Share on other sites
cp1213 Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 This is an example of misfire of empathy. Alloromantic people are aghast if they never have a relationship ever again, so they thought that aromantic people would feel the same way as well. However, since aromantic people never experience attraction, they don't really miss it because they don't know what it is like in the first place. Even though I'm only gray-aro, I could confirm that there is nothing that you are missing out of. If you don't seek out relationships, don't let other people tell you otherwise. You know yourself and your happiness better than anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 On 11/5/2019 at 2:04 AM, Lunala said: I'm aromantic and I DON'T feel like I'm "missing out" on anything. In fact, I feel great about not getting crushes because crushes sound like a lot of boring, sappy drama that I personally don't like getting involved in. It is boring, sappy drama! I'm glad I don't have to deal with that stuff, either. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayumari Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 I’m not aromantic but I had been single forever before I met my SO. Obviously I’m happy she’s there, but before I had her, I had many close friends that I was just as closed with. My best friend loves me so much she lived with me for six months instead of living with her boyfriend. She moved in to a city six hours away from him just to live with me. When she woke up in the morning shed leave her room to come snuggle with me. We had deep conversations about our orientations, our struggles. We held hands in public. Snuggle while watching movies. Shes much taller than me so sometimes I’d just sleep on her. I have 0 romantic interest in her and neither does she. What I mean is, you can have that kind of physical and emotionnal intimacy with someone who isn’t your SO, if that’s what you want without the romance. I love my best friend so much sometimes I cry about it. Of course I love my girlfriend but I feel like my feelings for my best friend are just as important, but in their own way. Seriously before meeting my girlfriend I was like "whatever, I can do without the romantic relationship, my relationships with my friends are just as fulfilling" and I still strongly believe that. Link to post Share on other sites
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