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Non sexual trauma and its effect on sexuality?(CW Abuse, also sex)


Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

Does anyone else have trauma which affected their feelings about sex, but which isn't really thought of as sexual trauma? Like I have childhood sexual trauma(I don't call it abuse because the other person was also a kid and victim of CSA) but the thing I feel is more related to difficulty with relationships and sex of any sort(including masturbation which I used to also have intrusive thoughts around but now it feels more like a trauma thing) was physical abuse involving tickling which happened for years...like from before I can remember to say around 12? I think it completely fucked up my feelings on sex and relationships(ok that's also affected by other stuff too). Honestly sex just feels like that abuse for me, and idk what to do with that fact.

 

Btw I tried therapy for a BIT, but it's expensive and didn't help so far so I quit 😶

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everywhere and nowhere

One thing I wanted to mention: there is such a thing as child sexual abuse in which the perpetrator is also a child. Perhaps it makes their guilt lesser because they don't fully undertand what they are doing, but it doesn't make it "not abuse" or "not sexual trauma". It can happen that one child is prematurely "awakened", often due to being themself victim of sexual abuse or, perhaps, wildly premature contact with pornography - but still, it leads to that child abusing the innocence of the other child. It cannot be treated the same way as sexual abuse by an adult because children just lack sufficient understanding of consequences, but it still is wrong.

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Abuse of any form can mess up feelings on so many things. I can't dance or sing in front of people due to abuse from my brother. It's like toxic tendrils that grow into odd places. 

 

What helped me most getting over things as best I can was a very supportive friend and a partner that was very OK with me not being comfortable with sex when we got together and double-triple checks everything is OK even after years of being sexually active together. Going super slow and only doing what I say I am OK with and stopping the second its not OK. 

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief
2 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

One thing I wanted to mention: there is such a thing as child sexual abuse in which the perpetrator is also a child. Perhaps it makes their guilt lesser because they don't fully undertand what they are doing, but it doesn't make it "not abuse" or "not sexual trauma". It can happen that one child is prematurely "awakened", often due to being themself victim of sexual abuse or, perhaps, wildly premature contact with pornography - but still, it leads to that child abusing the innocence of the other child. It cannot be treated the same way as sexual abuse by an adult because children just lack sufficient understanding of consequences, but it still is wrong.

I definitely agree, my feelings are just very complicated about it. For a long time I hid it from everyone, and years later when I read something about kids abusing as a result of their own trauma I felt like I was also continuing his trauma, and felt guilty. It took a long time to realise that I wasn't abusing HIM, so at this point I just think that I recognise he was the one in control of the entire situation but still can't really see him as not also a victim? Maybe this is a bit fucked up idk. The thing is in a lot of ways he was repeating patterns of grooming imo, like he bullied me for a year and I saw it as playing. But I also blame my parents for leaving me alone so much at the time, which also makes seeing him as responsible complicated, though I don't deny he was somewhat responsible. I just kinda blame my parents and his own abuser more than him I guess, and if I call it CSA people will never not jump to thinking of the other person as THE abuser(that is, people who understand abuse and don't victim blame), and the only one responsible for what happened, which doesn't fit for me.

2 hours ago, Serran said:

What helped me most getting over things as best I can was a very supportive friend and a partner that was very OK with me not being comfortable with sex when we got together and double-triple checks everything is OK even after years of being sexually active together. Going super slow and only doing what I say I am OK with and stopping the second its not OK. 

I don't know that I really want help with enjoying sex, it's more that I saw someone describe their experience of PTSD and how memories sort of haunt you like something at the corners of your eyes, and...I also think I might have some PTSD but in addition, my feelings about sex feel just like my feelings of traumatic memories? I don't really think a partner's gonna get me to enjoy it because I feel this way about it all the time, and it makes it difficult to feel comfortable with my body.

CW: Talking about abuse.

Spoiler

Not to mention I don't remember when I found the abuse painful because tickling isn't like that. Basically my dad and brother would for years do these tickling fights(I was the only ticklish one and also have sensory sensitivity due to being autistic) and tickle me all over my body(also sit on me and in general I think it did get to the point of physically trapping me in it, but I don't remember clearly) and I wouldn't be able to breathe to say no, and it only really stopped because when I got older I was lashing out more violently to get them to stop, but I would feel guilty for kicking them after the fact...I don't remember seeing anything wrong with it and think it's because it went on for so long, and I was only able to think of this as serious abuse from maybe a year ago? As a 23 year old. But the issue as a result of all this isn't that I need to feel safe due to flashbacks or something, regardless of who I'm with I have a lot of dissociation and disconnection from my body, and a very fucked up relationship with sex because it reminds me of the feeling of being trapped and forced into those sorts of intense feelings of pain/pleasure.

 

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It isn't so much someone helping you with flashbacks or anything. It is ... being around people who allow you the power ? The big thing with abuse is a feeling of being helpless and powerless. So, people helping you feel more in control and comfortable with if this hits a line, I can stop it at any point to feel safe. Whatever the activity you try to gain back. Be it sex, or just being comfortable being near someone. Then the anxiety can begin to lessen. 

 

I've begun slowly introducing singing for example cause I used to love singing / dancing until I was 12, but my brother would watch me and it started becoming a trigger for him wanting to abuse me... so now its all anxiety inducing and a big no go. 

 

As for tickling.. sadly, since autistic kids communicate so differently then most people seem to not notice when touch is OK or not. I work with them daily and I get kind of livid with the way some people interact with my kids. They fail to notice the agitation and "go away" signals. 

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief
4 minutes ago, Serran said:

It isn't so much someone helping you with flashbacks or anything. It is ... being around people who allow you the power ? The big thing with abuse is a feeling of being helpless and powerless. So, people helping you feel more in control and comfortable with if this hits a line, I can stop it at any point to feel safe. Whatever the activity you try to gain back. Be it sex, or just being comfortable being near someone. Then the anxiety can begin to lessen. 

 

I still wonder if it'd work for me, because all of my self exploration and development from childhood happened while I had this perspective that everything they did to me was fine and normal whereas all of my feelings in response were shameful. I also am very stubborn xD so being in therapy I didn't really want to address the trauma and just want to not dissociate or be anxious or depressed or have intrusive thoughts which distress me. But yeah I don't think I could feel in control without talking about all that and addressing my feelings, of shame and being depressed and sex feeling like a compulsion, but also like abuse. Sorry my response was kinda overly simplistic, trauma is complicated for most people and I'm so glad your partner gives you that control!

15 minutes ago, Serran said:

As for tickling.. sadly, since autistic kids communicate so differently then most people seem to not notice when touch is OK or not. I work with them daily and I get kind of livid with the way some people interact with my kids. They fail to notice the agitation and "go away" signals. 

I just want to address this bit and say that the sort of abuse I got would hurt a kid no matter if they're neurodivergent or not(so long as they were ticklish). I haven't found many people online who talk about being tickled to the point of not being able to breathe to say no, or with restraint involved, and I hate that it took me so long to realise I had this hatred and fear of my relatives for a reason and cut them off. Like when it comes to abuse and neurodivergent versus neurotypical people being involved, there are three different possibilities: 1) it's abuse which hurts people regardless of whether they're nd or nt, and the abuser has no excuse, 2) it's abuse which is more likely to hurt nd people and so somewhat understandable the first time if an nt abuser doesn't understand their victim's perspective, but after hearing that they are uncomfortable/hurt enough they have no excuse, and 3) it's abuse which hurts people whether they're nd or nt, but which hurts nd people more and the abuser still has no excuse.

 

Tickling as abuse is just really normalised from what I can tell. But it's been used as a type of torture, and is also known as a more "acceptable" way for pedophiles to groom kids, so society really needs to stop, in my opinion. Sorry for the long comment here! But yeah I am very nt passing in terms of communication despite having a lot of sensory issues, communicating that something hurts me has never been the issue. This is definitely a problem with respect to communication issues and mainstream understandings of consent though, as of course many people rely excessively on body language in determining whether their actions are consensual.

 

And lastly, I'm so sorry for your experiences of abuse too, no one should have to deal with that from a brother or any other relative, or the rest of society of course but I know it hurts when you're raised in that sort of family. :(

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Yeah, it can happen to anyone. It is just unfortunately common for ASD kids. Even well meaning people make their lives torture, makes me want to slap a bunch of people. I mean tickle torture is a legitimate torture technique for BDSM dungeons because of how deeply unpleasant it can become. And with sensory issues its even more unpleasant. 

 

As for talking... talking is good imo. But, yeah, recovery is varied and individual so just go at your pace. And do whatever helps. Whatever relationship you want though is possible, even if there is a block right now, with time (and patient people in your life) blocks based on trauma can come down. 

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abandoned-account

I think it depends on both what you've experienced and just who you are innately.

I have a lot of (thankfully non-sexual) PTSD and it makes it hard to enjoy things I otherwise could, e.g. various 70s and 80s media, because it brings back unwanted memories of my parents and childhood. 

However I don't think my view on sex would be any different without the PTSD. To me it's kind of like, well, mayonnaise for instance. I find it repulsive and disgusting because of the taste and smell. I don't understand the appeal of it at all and why some people like it; I just accept that.. they do. It doesn't have anything I need or desire for that matter, and therefore I have no reason to try to make myself "enjoy" it.

Now, I will point out that I have fear and discomfort at the thought of dealing with kids and for a long time, relationships (though not anymore for the latter), which I think is largely affected by a troubled childhood. But if you take those factors away I still just find sex completely unappealing in itself.

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