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How to move on from a crush


Mattsun

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Hello guys!
 

First of all, I hope this is the right place for posting this. To be honest, I just felt the urge to talk to someone about this as anonymously as possible, and then I remembered I often used this site when uncertain about romantic stuff and sexuality - I even remember last time I went on here it was because I was questioning if I may be aro. Well, it definitely seems like I don't fall in love as easily as some other people, but turns out I'm not aro after all. Long story short, a few months ago I developed a crush on a friend. Who's in a happy relationship, so yeah. When I first felt like I might have caught feelings I kept denying it as much as possible, thinking to myself: Hey, I'm already pretty much identifying as aro, I haven't actually caught feelings. Maybe it's a phase, but in any case it will go away soon. I really hoped it would go away soon since there's no way it will ever happen for reasons stated above, but the feelings just grew stronger and right now I'm at a point where I just can't deny them anymore. And it hurts. Every time they mention their s/o it stings and honestly it makes me feel like a bad person, like... they're one of my best friends. I should feel happy for them, and I do want the best for them, which is why I sincerely hope they'll stay with their s/o, but nonetheless it just... hurts. Somehow I'm feeling guilty about my crush more and more, I feel like I shouldn't have a crush on this person and I just wish I could move on from it, but I have no idea how to do it. One part of me feels like distance would help, but then again they've become so important to me as a friend that I feel like less contact would just make me feel even worse.

I have to say, writing all of this down was... hard to do. Maybe because I denied this crush for months and feared that now that I've admitted it to myself it might make our friendship harder to maintain. Nevertheless my mind feels a bit eased now - thank you so much for reading, and if anyone has any bit of advice to offer, I'd be very thankful. ❤️

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Have you ever heard of demiromantic? When you mentioned that you have very infrequent crushes and that this one is on one of your closest friends, and that you were considering the label of aro (implying you're probably somewhere on the spectrum), I'd suggest you look into it. (If you've never heard of it: basically, it a person who only gets romantic feelings for someone they already have an emotional connection with or a platonic relationship - i.e. you MIGHT develop a crush AFTER becoming friends with them, which limits the pool of people you might like quite a lot because that random cute kid in your english class you've never talked to is not well known enough to be a candidate.)

 

Lol going to a bunch of aromantics for romantic advise... I won't judge :PSo as someone who considers themself aro and really doesn't understand why romance is a big deal, this might come off as insensitive at parts so whoops.

 

Acceptance is good! Yay! Don't be afraid of feelings. They might turn out to be something a lot less harmful than you thought they were - like attractions I thought were crushes just being squishes - or it might just get you through whatever's going to happen faster. So the sooner you accept them, the faster you move on. Though I suggest you not share your feelings with your friend or anyone who knows them really - people who hear about drama like to perpetuate the drama and might well-meaningly try to start something. Also, telling yourself you're moving on can sometimes help too - you can kind of placebo it into becoming true.

 

The world is a hell of a lot more important than one person. And if the world is going to be all about one person, it should be you, because no one else is going to prioritize you except for you. Focus on you, do stuff you enjoy, find a go-to hobby to distract yourself.

 

From an ace spectrum person, crushes just seem like a hell of a lot of pain for no particular reason. So just suffer through it, I guess? Not in a bad way - everything comes to an end, and there's no particular one thing that will speed it up. Just focus on your desire for your friends happiness and stay positive :) "This too shall pass."

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Thank you very much for your reply, it really means a lot to me!
 

16 hours ago, Orianaro said:

Have you ever heard of demiromantic? When you mentioned that you have very infrequent crushes and that this one is on one of your closest friends, and that you were considering the label of aro (implying you're probably somewhere on the spectrum), I'd suggest you look into it.

I've heard about it before (mostly because I considered being demi-ace, but I ended up being pretty sure that I'm full-on ace) , but never considered it for myself, it definitely would make a lot of sense though. I think I'll indeed look into it a bit further. :)

 

16 hours ago, Orianaro said:

Lol going to a bunch of aromantics for romantic advise... I won't judge :PSo as someone who considers themself aro and really doesn't understand why romance is a big deal, this might come off as insensitive at parts so whoops.

 

Haha, it definitely can be considered as ironic. Idk, I always saw Aven as a place to let my thoughts regarding romanticism and sexuality (or the "lack" of it) roam free, especially if they felt to personal too share to anyone outside the internet. I saw people here getting advice regarding sexual stuff as well, so I figured it would be fine, hearing an "outsiders" point of view in any case can't do any harm :P And don't worry, you didn't come off insensitive at all!

Thank you a lot for the rest of your post as well, it definitely gave me a little hope. Especially that accepting the feelings can lead to overcoming them faster, since I feared the opposite might happen. I definitely won't share my feelings with them or really any other of my friends (we have lot of shared friends, so yeah) - it was nagging at me that I couldn't really talk to anyone about it, which is why just writing it down here actually helped me a lot. 
I think focussing on myself and finding something new that I enjoy doing would definitely help me. In the end I guess there's really nothing to do but sit through it and distract myself as good as possible :) 

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DarkStormyKnight

Oof I'm sorry buddy *hugs if you want them*

 

It's really hard to get over crushes, especially if you are friends with the person and therefore continually see them around. I guess my best advice is to try and get some space from them, maybe take up a new club where you can see other people or throw yourself into a new project. Space is definitely very important. And learning to accept your feelings and where you are in the process. Go easy on yourself.

 

I hope that helps, although it's not that different from above. But you'll get through this!

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