Question for a friend

[TripleAbatteries]

I have a friend who is ace but is questioning if they are aro or not. They said that if someone could answer this question in a way they could understand they would understand themself more. I have yet to come across anyone who can. The question is: How are the feelings of a romance and a friendship different? Thanks for your answers!

[SithLord]

That is difficult. It really comes down to what one wants out of the relationship.

 

For example, with my boyfriend, we cuddle, kiss, hold hands, share our dreams and goals for the future, rely on one another, etc.

With my friends, even my best friend, we don't do sensual stuff (though I understand some people do with their friends) like hold hands, cuddle, etc. We will laugh and have fun, but there's no long term expectation we're going to be together and devoted to one another. If my friend decides to no longer be friends, I'll be sad but not devestated (which is a difference, I feel, between a normal friend and a Partner in a QPR). If my friend finds a partner she's happy with, I'm happy for her and not the least bit jealous.

 

I've always known I was romantic, even vaguely. I knew I wanted a loving partner (husband) and a family, wanted the sappy love stories from the movies to come true, wanted my "true love" to come find me and make everything better. I knew I didn't want friends and only friends for my entire life, even if I wasn't actively pursuing a relationship at the time. Even if I was able to be with my sister (my other half) as much as I wanted and for life, it still wouldn't feel the gap I'd feel without a romantic partner. 

[Philip027]

It's all YMMV stuff, but for me...

 

Friends don't give me the "butterflies" sensation

I'd only want to live with a partner

I don't desire daily contact with a friend (although I don't necessarily dislike it either, depending)

I don't feel like something from my day is missing if I don't have daily contact with a friend, but I would with my partner

I'll tend to find even being around friends in person to be mentally exhausting after enough time (yes, I'm an introvert) but this doesn't happen with a partner

I want to know everything about a partner, and I want them to know everything about me, even all the "bad stuff".  This isn't necessarily true of friends

I can be very physically affectionate with a partner, but with friends it won't really go beyond hugs

 

I could probably add to this list, if I manage to think of anything else.

[Guest]

55 minutes ago, TripleAbatteries said:

How are the feelings of a romance and a friendship different?

I don't get 'feelings' for a friend, beyond they're just a person I enjoy spending time with.

 

Whereas with romance, I get literally 'high' almost. It's like a physical ache (a very nice one) in my chest area that makes me feel giddy and happy and stupid. Being near that person, or even just thinking about them, literally feels good emotionally and physically and changes the way my brain is functioning (like alcohol does).. so I want to think about them all the time to get more and more of that feeling.

 

That's how it is for me.

[uhtred]

I think it varies a lot with the person.   I'm a sexual male, and for me there are two differences. One is that when my romantic partner is happy, it makes me happy is a very direct and strong way.  I want my friends to be happy, but not at such an emotional level.  The other is sex.  For me romantic love doesn't exist without sexual attraction. 

 

Other people will have very different feelings.

[Philip027]

Quote

One is that when my romantic partner is happy, it makes me happy is a very direct and strong way.  I want my friends to be happy, but not at such an emotional level.

Ahh, yeah, that's a big one I overlooked.  My moods/emotions are very in sync with my partner's, or really anyone that I feel romantically inclined toward.  One of my biggest sources of happiness is seeing them happy (and this is coming from someone who has had such a difficult time feeling happy at typical happy-making things that I've honestly wondered if I have some form of anhedonia).  Obviously, I'd rather friends be happy too, but my own mood isn't affected nearly as much by theirs.

[Guest]

My feelings with friends are ... I like them, I want them to do well, but if we don't talk for months it doesn't bother me much. I also don't want to touch friends (a very select few can hug me, but thats it).  I wouldn't want to live with them. I have no interest mingling our futures or finances. And I dont want to share a bed or kiss them. 

 

Sex is a tiny part of my current marriage, was no part of my last relationships on my end. 

[Homer]

For me it's limerence.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Homer said:

For me it's limerence.

Luckily that fades in about 6 months for me, leaving just a nice connection without the obsessive do anything no matter what feels. 

[Winged Whisperer]

11 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Friends don't give me the "butterflies" sensation

I'd only want to live with a partner

I don't desire daily contact with a friend (although I don't necessarily dislike it either, depending)

I don't feel like something from my day is missing if I don't have daily contact with a friend, but I would with my partner

I'll tend to find even being around friends in person to be mentally exhausting after enough time (yes, I'm an introvert) but this doesn't happen with a partner

I want to know everything about a partner, and I want them to know everything about me, even all the "bad stuff".  This isn't necessarily true of friends

I can be very physically affectionate with a partner, but with friends it won't really go beyond hugs

I know you said YMMV at the beginning but out of that entire list only these two are the real ones for me, huh. Makes me think I might also be gray-romantic. That, or my idea of friendship allows in a lot more than what's conventionally considered ok.