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Demisexuality and erotica/porn


Fraggle Underdark

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Fraggle Underdark

This post will be a little TMI. I mention masturbation but do not describe it.

 

Yes, long post is long. I totally understand if that's not your thing.

 

Since I joined AVEN I've been meaning to ask about this because it's the aspect of my sexuality that most surprises me. I'm curious to hear about the experiences of other people who identify as demisexual. I'll share my own experiences but I'll be speaking in abstract, not details.

 

I enjoy looking at and fantasizing about erotic images and short video clips. The subjects are always happy and usually confident. Some of my favorite pictures wouldn't even seem erotic to most people but for ease of terminology I'll sometimes refer to this material as porn. I don't really like the word but it's short.

 

My enjoyment of these fantasies and media is the biggest reason I didn't think of myself as asexual or demisexual or anything other than typical. It was only when I consistently lacked any interest in most IRL opportunities that I started to think I was atypical. ("Most" because I've been sexually attracted to one person IRL, my ex.)

 

So I thought "maybe I'm demi in real life but have a typical sexuality in my fantasies." But that doesn't quite fit either. And after I realized I'm demisexual I began to see a lot of connections between my sexuality and my fantasies. It explains several oddities I'd noticed. I thought this intersection was curious and would enjoy hearing if other demis have similar patterns.

 

I absolutely cannot know the people in the images or film. Unless demisexuality has kicked in which is very rare. Growing up I just thought "I like pictures of attractive people" but then when I'd save a picture of a celebrity to my collection I would never end up fantasizing with it. Never knew why that was, just couldn't get turned on. Even if I don't know that much about the celebrity. Watching them in even one movie probably kills any arousal. Still think they look good but thinking about them sexually just seems weird. Definitely applies to anyone I actually know (excluding demi kicking in). I admit I've saved a few pictures of people I know, from Facebook etc, because they're so damn cute/beautiful. But there's no sexual feeling and that kind of thing goes in separate "cute" or "cool" folders. I can almost count on two hands the number of times I've masturbated while thinking about real people in the absence of demisexual attraction. And that's been absolutely the least-erotic masturbation I've ever done. It's hard to do and barely felt sexual. I usually did it in an attempt to imagine what a relationship with them would be like. And in the vast majority of cases when I imagine a relationship I never masturbate while thinking about the person. Partly because I remember how boring it is.

 

(What are the cases where demisexuality kicked in? Main one is my ex and she sent me some nudes. But we've grown apart so it's rare for me to fantasize about her and the fantasies all take place in the past. I think there's actually a second case with a celebrity that I know a lot about and whose mind works more like mine than anyone I've met. I feel like we're cut from the same cloth and I seem to have some sexual attraction to her. And technically a few other cases where I knew someone for months or years and then felt a smidgen of sexual attraction but not enough to motivate a fantasy.)

 

So that sounds kind of fraysexual, the opposite of demisexual where you feel more attraction the less you know someone. But it never comes up while I'm walking around IRL, it's entirely unappealing to have sex with anyone I don't know. I see some people and want to stare out of aesthetic attraction, or romantic attraction, but sexual thoughts or feelings never enter my head.

 

After thinking about it there seem to be 3 kinds of fantasies I have:

  1. In the vast majority I imagine myself having a connection and usually a relationship with an imaginary person who looks like the image. This seems to be why I'm not turned on by pictures of people I know: because then I think of the actual person whom I don't have a connection with. This is also why I almost never enjoy porn film and the ones I do enjoy tend to be short clips: the more video there is the more personality is revealed, especially personality that doesn't fit the sort of person I'd want to date. And that prevents the fantasy.
  2. There are definitely a few cases where the fantasies don't involve connection. In the fantasy we might be mere acquaintances or even strangers. It seems like this works as a fantasy because it's not real, because I know no other people are actually involved, and in these fantasies my partners don't even have fleshed-out personalities. (I still can't use pictures of people I know.) It's like an enjoyment of the eroticism of the scene without really putting myself in that situation. But it's still strange that I would even find that erotic if I'm demi? Maybe. Almost seems like I'm "turned off by having a distant connection to someone" rather than "turned on by having a close connection". And IRL even a stranger is someone I have a distant connection to. Or it might be that in the fantasy I take the arousal and interest as a given. Something like "I wouldn't mind having sexual attraction for strangers, at least in fantasy-land, it's just that IRL it's not there but in fantasy my brain can just generate it." Who knows. In any case I can't imagine wanting to do that IRL, once I sat down and thought about it, nor do I want to have the desire to do it. Seems like a lot of people fantasize about things they wouldn't be turned on by IRL. Funny thing is: once I realized I'm not interested in this IRL I seemed to have stopped fantasizing about it. It's like my brain thought I'd like doing it but my brain lost interest once I realized I wouldn't.
  3. I think there's one situation in which I might experience IRL sexual attraction in the absence of connection. If the person was happy, with very healthy self-esteem, felt no shame whatsoever about sex between consenting adults (I feel the same), was a nice person, was intelligent, had a style I like the look of, they felt good about having sex even with our lack of connection, and if both they and I thought the sex wouldn't get in the way of the other things they want in life. Might sound strange but I think I could actually feel sexual attraction there even without connection. It's not just "this is the only situation in which I'd feel good about doing it" but "this is the only situation in which I can imagine feeling anything". This seems like an exception to being demi although the situation has never come up and this is just a guess. And in practice it would be hard to know all these things about them without getting close enough to have or feel some connection. So that's the third type of fantasy I have.

 

Any other demisexuals have experiences that are similar to this? Different to this?

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