Just Me! Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 What if you’re in an online relationship with a guy, but you’ve never been attracted to guys in real life? Context: I thought I was a lesbian. I had crushes on girls and was attracted to them in every way, and I just wasn’t ever romantically or sexually attracted to guys. Then several months ago I started dating a guy I met over the internet— and I’m very, very happy. We’ve been romantically and sexually involved as far as that’s possible online, and everything is going great. I wondered if perhaps I’m demiromantic/demisexual, and since I’ve been emotionally close to a lot more females than males, I haven’t fallen for one before. I wondered if I’m homosexual + biromantic. I wondered if I’m bisexual. But...I feel repulsed by the idea of dating or being intimate with any guy I’ve ever met in real life...and I’m scared that as soon as it’s face-to-face rather than screen-to-screen, all of my non-platonic attraction will disappear. I know that’s a risk even for couples whose orientations have never been in doubt, but I’m especially scared that I can only be attracted to a man when he’s not physically here. Like I said, things are going wonderfully at the moment and have been for months, but I wouldn’t want to lead someone on...I want to be transparent and honest with him (he does know that I used to identify as a lesbian). I guess I’m asking...what do you do if you fall for someone, but you’re uncertain whether you can be attracted to them? Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 As long as you're being honest with the other person, that's all you can really do. People find out shit about themselves in relationships they may not have known before. That's just par for the course. I'm assuming by "romantically and sexually involved as far as that’s possible online" you mean you've already done video calls before, but if not, that's probably as close to a meatspace "trial" as you're going to get. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 Maybe keep it online, then? It's not mandatory to have it "go meatspace". Besides, if he's the only guy you've ever "been into"... there's nothing wrong with being a 5.99 instead of a 6.00 on the Kinsey scale, either. You be you. Link to post Share on other sites
Grimalkin Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 Honestly, I would say meet them in person to find out. I'm autochorrisexual, which means it's easy for me to be attracted to the idea of things. I can be turned on by characters that aren't real, by people I've never seen, by sexual scenarios I wouldn't actually like to participate in, etc. I learned pretty quickly that that doesn't translate to real life. Real life attraction is a whole other ballgame. And if you want a future with this person, I would find out sooner rather than later if it works offline or not. I mean, I suppose it's fine if you plan on only having this relationship online forever (and if they're okay with it too), but I wouldn't recommend the disservice of waiting and waiting if you ever plan to take it offline. Link to post Share on other sites
Puck Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 There are lots of possibilities happening here. Maybe having it be online was of some benefit to you. For example, maybe people (or just men) irl move too fast so keeping it online helped you feel safe for long enough to finally feel sexually interested in this man. Maybe it being online allowed you to pleasure yourself in the way you like without the pressure of doing it in person. Or maybe he is simply one of the few people you truly connect with (I honestly don't believe most people can have sex with most other people, even most others of their orientation. So there are only so many people each of us really connects with). If I were you, I'd ask yourself what you want from a relationship, especially this relationship. Like others have already suggested, if you want it to ever go offline, you should meet sooner rather than later to see if you guys have chemistry. If you think you need it, feel free to tell your partner you need to take it slow. If you guys don't click, perhaps it's because you aren't really into guys sexually (thought you might be into them romantically) or perhaps it means you aren't into this guy sexually. It's hard to tell when you haven't dated many guys. If you never want the relationship to go offline then, again as other have suggested, making sure he is ok with the situation as is is a good plan. Link to post Share on other sites
kiaroskuro Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 2 hours ago, Just Me! said: But...I feel repulsed by the idea of dating or being intimate with any guy I’ve ever met in real life...and I’m scared that as soon as it’s face-to-face rather than screen-to-screen, all of my non-platonic attraction will disappear. I know that’s a risk even for couples whose orientations have never been in doubt, but I’m especially scared that I can only be attracted to a man when he’s not physically here. Your story reminds me a bit of mine. Feeling emotionally close to and having 'romantic' (still not sure what this word means) feelings for a man only happened once in my life, with someone who lived at a safe distance from me. And I actually think it's unlikely that I would have developed feelings for this person without this physical distance. But I will never know. And I totally understand that your fear seems justified at this point, but try not to let it grow. I also guess it would be best to meet each other in not too distant future, and then just wait and see if and how things work out between you. I have questioned my orientation many times, but there's at least one thing I know for sure: the strangest things can happen. 🙂 Link to post Share on other sites
Just Me! Posted November 1, 2019 Author Share Posted November 1, 2019 Thank you very much for giving your time, insights, and experiences. :) I think I will try and follow the advice of checking in with him, reminding him I really don’t know if/how our relationship will translate to real life, but that I’m more than willing to try and happy with the current situation even if it doesn’t work out. We do plan to meet up offline when itineraries etc allow, but we live in different countries atm so don’t often get the chance (I didn’t want to try last time we had the option to, a few months ago, and tbh I regret that). Hopefully will be travelling again soon :) Link to post Share on other sites
The Abhorred Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 On 10/30/2019 at 11:51 PM, kiaroskuro said: Your story reminds me a bit of mine. Feeling emotionally close to and having 'romantic' (still not sure what this word means) feelings for a man only happened once in my life, with someone who lived at a safe distance from me. And I actually think it's unlikely that I would have developed feelings for this person without this physical distance. But I will never know. May I ask what this means "But I will never know". You never met irl? Yοu stopped talking? Link to post Share on other sites
kiaroskuro Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 1 hour ago, TheAbhorrent said: May I ask what this means "But I will never know". You never met irl? Yοu stopped talking? Sure, I don't mind talking about it: I was ghosted by this "friend" of mine, that's the reason why. But I don't believe that I'd have confessed my feelings, even if he hadn't ghosted me. And no, we never met IRL. Link to post Share on other sites
knout Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 You never really know someone entirely, right? Be it in person or online... but beyond that, I feel that you can get to know people online really well and then you can have an idea if it's going to work. If you have red flags you're ignoring you can either have discussions about them (it's always a good idea to discuss things, it shows who you are and who they are) but otherwise don't put too much worry on something that can happen in the future because of what happened in the past (like identification) I've met friends that I knew online and haven't had bad surprises, maybe I'm just lucky, or I'm easily pleased with surprises Link to post Share on other sites
The Abhorred Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 On 11/6/2019 at 12:19 AM, kiaroskuro said: Sure, I don't mind talking about it: I was ghosted by this "friend" of mine, that's the reason why. But I don't believe that I'd have confessed my feelings, even if he hadn't ghosted me. And no, we never met IRL. Never heard that ghosted thing, I admit I had to search it. It is sad, disappearing. Have you considered meeting him irl back then? Link to post Share on other sites
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