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How did you figure out you weren't asexual?


Winged Whisperer

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Winged Whisperer

In case you're wondering, this isn't an "oblivious asexual meme" question. I mean this specifically for those who used to ID as ace but later found out that they aren't. And if I'm currently questioning if I'm not ace, what advice do you have for me?

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I went from identifying as fully asexual to demisexual.  Some people will say that means I was never asexual, but I see the label more as a tool, not an identity.  That fit how I viewed myself then, this more fits who I am now, I may or may not change labels again in the future.  I've become much less focused on labels, anyway.  It helped immensely to feel validated at first, but then started to feel constrictive.  So, my advice is use the label if it's helping.  If it's creating more stress than relieving it, stop.  However you feel is valid, even if it doesn't fit some clearly defined label.

 

This then feeds into my other shift of thinking: turning my focus to whether I feel sexual attraction / desire for sex NOW rather than if I ever will in the future.  I've found most of my stressing about the future is masking an underlying anxiety about what I should do now.

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Whore*of*Mensa

@Memento1 

However you feel is valid, even if it doesn't fit some clearly defined label. 

 

I really like this statement. Just going to keep this in mind as I log off now! :) 

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I believe I've always been in the gray area. When I discovered that asexuality was a thing I was pretty sure it described me, but I wasn't sure it was wholly true. Then I found out about demisexuality and found that I fit the most in there. Labels aren't great, but as long as you feel safe in expanding your definition of yourself at any time, I think the labels can help to feel less isolated. The percentage of demisexuals in the population is probably still pretty small, so I feel better knowing there is an orientation that I identify with. It's still difficult in the real world, as Whore of Mensa said, people are in a rush and not good with maybes. That is why I have never had a serious relationship. How easy is it these days to find someone who can take a long time to get to the sexual part of the relationship, if it even happens?

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RoseGoesToYale

I thought I was ace because I had never wanted sex with anyone, even crushes. Then a year ago Cupid came and shot me with an arrow held my vital organs at gunpoint over this guy in my French class, who I somehow, some way became friends with, and I fell in love with him and at some point over summer I started to fantasize about him (never could do it with anyone else), and just recently I realize it's because I have those feelings.

 

I've been trying not to put too fine a point on it, just kind of letting myself understand what I'm feeling. Honestly, it's a bit scary, for a number of reasons. But if you're ace, you're ace, and if it turns out you're not, then that's ok too.

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I never wanted sex, never enjoyed it, used to dream of being able to be in a relationship with a paralysed person (sorry I know that's offensive) or someone whose parts didn't work so I could still love them, but sex wouldn't ever have to be involved.

 

I used to identify as 'bisexual without the sexual part' before I discovered the term asexual at like 23. On an NZ current affairs show they had a segment with two asexuals who had met online and were madly in love, but didn't want sex. I literally cried so much because by that point I'd given up on love and decided to remain celibate forever.

 

Then in 2013 I joined AVEN. Over the course of my time on AVEN, I met a few asexual guys and got to 'experimenting'. I've been physically celibate for 8 years, but started exploring alternative stuff online. I very slowly realised I can enjoy the the idea of some things enough to actually want them in a relationship, BUT there are very specific factors that need to be met first for me to be able to want them, and I'd just never had a chance for those factors to be met before. At 28 I decided I'm definitely not asexual due to my ability to actually inherently desire some things (I'd just never been given the chance to desire them before) so I stopped identifying as ace.

 

I am perfectly happy to remain celibate forever. And I can only want said sexual things if my partner has no expectation of them and can be perfectly happy without them. And the things I desire don't actually involve my own genitals being stimulated.

 

But yeah, I now know I can enjoy the idea of some sexual activities enough to actually want them within a relationship, as long as specific conditions are met.

 

So I stopped identifying as asexual. :)

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I ID'd as ace for about five years, until I met my current wife. 

 

The reasons I ID'd as such were I never enjoyed a sexual relationship, never found anyone "hot", didn't like porn and never masturbated. Sex was a chore to be done to enjoy a relationship. 

 

But... I met my wife on AVEN (well an AVEN members skype group). And as our relationship grew, we began to get physical and one thing lead to another and we ended up doing some stuff (hands, toys, etc). It didn't feel like a chore and we both wanted to do it. Now we have added it as a regular part of our relationship. I don't ID as ace since it is mutual sexual desire. 

 

And I discovered I just dont like PiV / oral / anal and need sex to be pressure free. 

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Winged Whisperer

So the reason I asked if it wasn't obvious, is because I'm questioning again...

 

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The people who know me, I initially had a bit of doubt IDing as ace in the first place because I did feel attraction, but that it was hard to dissect if it was sexual or not. I even remember you @Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) once telling me in a thread that it is sexual attraction but that "it doesn't count" because it didn't lead to desiring sex. So recent developments on my part, I've recently realized I'm probably trans, and also now I feel this vague aimless desire for sex that I don't actually feel towards anyone, even though the sex that I have recently had was still emotionless and bad as always that I didn't want. So I've begun thinking, maybe I'm not asexual, but instead I'm in the wrong body and that's why I'm not feeling anything. Dysphoria and mild TMI ahead:

Spoiler

Maybe I'm dysphoric about my body shape, genitals and my gender role in sex, and if those changed, I could enjoy sex? I dunno, but I am fantasizing being a girl in sex.

So yeah, I'm wondering. I can't actually experiment, because if my theory is correct, well I simply can't desire sex until I can change, plus I'm in a marriage too so I'm not gonna cheat. That's why any advice on figuring this out would be very appreciated.

 

53 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

I am perfectly happy to remain celibate forever. And I can only want said sexual things if my partner has no expectation of them and can be perfectly happy without them. And the things I desire don't actually involve my own genitals being stimulated.

Not to be invalidating or anything, but isn't that just umm, sensual desires and not sexual? That sounds very asexual-ish to me.

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25 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

Not to be invalidating or anything, but isn't that just umm, sensual desires and not sexual? That sounds very asexual-ish to me.

I feel quite invalidated right now and shall report you!

 

Heh jokes. 

 

(Warning TMI) The thing that I actively desire within a relationship (as long as I have formed a bond etc with that that person) is semen, because I have a fetish for it. I like to eat it, have it on me, in me, etc etc :P So that's very, well, sexual, haha. But for me, it's an INSTANT TURN OFF if the other person *expects* sex from me, I HATE THAT. For me, it's a massive turn on if the other person respects me enough to love me even if we never have sex, but to react to my desire, ONLY when I have that desire. I can want 'sex' (me giving oral) quite a lot under those circumstances. But yeah having another person expect sex from me like it's a god given right makes me sick, and there is no faster way to kill my libido and my desire (and end a relationship). I also need the other person to have a preference for good conversation, nice food, movies, gaming, etc, over sex (because I have those preferences too). If they place sex as 'most important' then that turns me off really quickly.

 

So in short, I'm definitely sexual..but I place very little importance on sex. And the type of partner I 'require' also needs to place very little importance on sex (while still being able to desire it under the right circumstances, lol).

 

25 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

I even remember you @Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) once telling me in a thread that it is sexual attraction but that "it doesn't count" because it didn't lead to desiring sex.

Yeah a lot of aces experience 'attraction' (finding someone aesthetically appealing etc) but if you don't actually desire sex as a result of that then it's not exactly 'sexual' attraction. However yes other factors can totally come into play. I can see how someone might have sexual desire to be with someone, but due to being in the wrong body, may have no comfort with the idea of acting on it, and not even be able to want to act on it, BUT if they had a body that matched their internal identity they may be more likely to actively want to act on those desires, that's totally possible.

 

But until you're actually able to experiment or whatever, it would be really hard to know. Maybe if it's easier for you, you could say you're 'effectively ace until further notice' (just a totally random example) and that way people will be aware you're questioning, but also that right now you're pretty much 100% asexual due to circumstances?  :o

 

edit: just to clarify though I don't like receiving anything being done to my genitals. I can masturbate myself during sexual intimacy (ie while giving oral) but can't enjoy being stimulated in any way by the other person due to pain, discomfort etc.

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You could have a more feminine sexual experience if you want. A partner of a pre-transition trans person could mimic it as closely as possible and sometimes it does feel better for them. There are a lot of how tos on various trans resources. 

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Winged Whisperer
40 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Maybe if it's easier for you, you could say you're 'effectively ace until further notice' (just a totally random example) and that way people will be aware you're questioning, but also that right now you're pretty much 100% asexual due to circumstances? 

Well yes that's how I've mentally constructed it for myself for now, but like it doesn't matter that much, I'll probably be starting medically transitioning in a few months and have that figured out, am currently married and will be immigrating in a year so I'm not gonna be communicating my orientation to anyone anytime soon. This isn't so much for other people, than for my own sake.

 

35 minutes ago, Serran said:

You could have a more feminine sexual experience if you want. A partner of a pre-transition trans person could mimic it as closely as possible

Coincidentally that's how we've always done it, but it just doesn't work for me when I still have my phenotypically male body. It just feels wrong.

 

Ugh, I feel terrible again.

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I personally experience boob dysphoria which has made me wonder if thats why I dont like sexual intimacy. And in most of my sex dreams I am a man which has made me wonder if as a man I might be sexual. I don't know, I am still figuring it out and without a partner I cannot experiment it.

 

Anyway, if you feel your hypothesis is correct, its worth exploring with your partner by perhaps using the resources members have pointed out to. Good luck! :)

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I think this is a case where language can be confusing.  I think there is a difference between people who do not enjoy / desire any sort of sexual activity, and people who do not enjoy / desire some specific common activities.

 

Combine that with gay / straight orientation and it gets really confusing. For example a woman can be sexually attracted to men, but not want PIV. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Because labelling myself as asexual just didn't feel right, my experiences were similar, but they just didn't fit with those I read about.

 

Sex and relationships aren't something I'm interested in, probably due to the way my life has panned out so far, but I can't ignore that I experience some level of sexual attraction towards the opposite sex. Ergo its disingenuous to label myself as anything except celibate.

 

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I entered a serious relationship and realised I had sexual desires for the first time.

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Former sexual here, to me I just knew I had a instinct of needing sex, and that's confirmed through spontaneous desire and positive emotion toward the idea of sex. Now? Zilch feeling toward sex, and stimulating in my mind gives me nothing like I used to. All so eh...

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