Want to apologize

[gray-a girl]

I want to apologize to some people for an earlier post I made, where I may have upset some people. (Regarding the phobia of sex thing). I do think thats a real thing and can lead people to mis-identify as asexual, but I shouldn't have talked about it in such a way that it hurt people, especially people who identify as sex averse and weren't really even involved in the way people were poorly treating me. I don't think most sex averse asexuals have a disorder, so I wanted to make that clear as well.

[HOOTS]

It's good that you've owned up to your past mistakes. You should be proud of this achievement! All that's left is to move forward--with the knowledge and experience you've gained from this incident in your arsenal.

[borderprincess]

16 hours ago, gray-a girl said:

I want to apologize to some people for an earlier post I made, where I may have upset some people. (Regarding the phobia of sex thing). I do think thats a real thing and can lead people to mis-identify as asexual, but I shouldn't have talked about it in such a way that it hurt people, especially people who identify as sex averse and weren't really even involved in the way people were poorly treating me. I don't think most sex averse asexuals have a disorder, so I wanted to make that clear as well.

Hey, I've seen a lot of your posts recently, and in all of the discussions that occur from them you often repeat this point about "phobia of sex" not being the same as "real" asexuality. I think it could be really interesting for you to read some, or several, of the links from here: https://asexualsurvivors.org/sharing/reading-list/ 

Most of the links are from asexual sexual assault survivors, discussing the links between trauma and asexuality for them, how it is difficult or impossible to untangle these links, and how a model of real vs fake asexuality can be incredibly harmful. I think it would be useful for you to at least read other perspectives before stating things so point blank.

[gray-a girl]

I only wish that people who have been invalidating and hostile to me would be able to apologize. I didn't get angry for no reason. I had plenty of good reason to get angry.

And borderprincess, if they find the label asexual to be useful, thats fine. If they don't want to deal with their trauma or their phobia, then they will be functionally asexual so the label will be useful to them. The problem I have is when they are included as part of asexual, when sex favorable asexuals are not. This is because, as far as someone who has a phobia of sex (due to trauma or whatever), that can be treated and cured even if they don't wish to do so. But a lack of attraction that a sex favorable asexual has, cannot be changed by therapy or medication. So, I find it problematic when people's definitions include people with sex phobias who have sexual attraction, but excludes people who have a real lack of attraction just because they enjoy sex with a person.

[gisiebob]

that's not how apologies work, friend. you must give them without stipulation, you cannot hold on to this expectation of reciprocation. I know it feels sour when no one else is dancing, but it is good still to dance alone.

[Guest]

21 hours ago, gray-a girl said:

I only wish that people who have been invalidating and hostile to me would be able to apologize. I didn't get angry for no reason. I had plenty of good reason to get angry.

And borderprincess, if they find the label asexual to be useful, thats fine. If they don't want to deal with their trauma or their phobia, then they will be functionally asexual so the label will be useful to them. The problem I have is when they are included as part of asexual, when sex favorable asexuals are not. This is because, as far as someone who has a phobia of sex (due to trauma or whatever), that can be treated and cured even if they don't wish to do so. But a lack of attraction that a sex favorable asexual has, cannot be changed by therapy or medication. So, I find it problematic when people's definitions include people with sex phobias who have sexual attraction, but excludes people who have a real lack of attraction just because they enjoy sex with a person.

Oh no, AVENs definition just 'excludes' people who actively desire partnered sex to the extent they seek it out for pleasure (and are unhappy without it). They can still call themselves asexual if they want though, no one is preventing them from doing so  

[SithLord]

Apologizes are always nice. I hate when I screw up, so apologize a lot in real life and online. But asking for an apology from someone else isn't the same. It should be genuine and sincerely felt. If they don't feel like they've done anything wrong, an apology means nothing.