WolfAM Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 I am asexual and I have been with my first boyfriend for a year now. I came out to him before we started dating and he's been really understanding and sweet. He never puts any pressure on me but I can't help but think that I'm being unfair for not having sex with him (He's never asked for it). Do others think the same? I've kissed him for a couple of times but I have noticed that after a kiss I feel a little like throwing up. I can't bring myself up to tell him that. I worry about it sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 If you told him when you started dating, then you are in no way at all being unfair. If it turns out he can't be happy in this situation, then it may make sense to break up, but its no one's fault, certainly not yours. Its probably not his either - he may have honestly thought it would work for him, but didn't You told him early on. If kissing bothers you, then you should let him know. Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 You should never have sex you don't want to have because it seems unfair not to. If thinking about your boyfriend's needs opens your mind to compromise - in an authentic way, reflecting what you're genuinely willing to try - then that's fine. But doing so because you feel guilty, even if that guilt comes from perceived standard relationships instead of your partner, that's a potentially unhealthy choice. Be honest with your boyfriend. Listen to what he says about his needs. Tell him how comfortable you are with the idea of filling them. It might not be enough to make the relationship sustainable, by no one's fault as uhtred said. Relationships are a huge investment in your time, and something that isn't going to work in the long term for reasons like this don't need to be dragged out. It could be doable to make it work, but you need to be realistic in approaching it. Link to post Share on other sites
Memento1 Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 Yes! It's quite normal to wonder and worry about whether you're being unfair. We've all been there. We care deeply about our significant other's happiness. It's not terribly healthy to let that worry fester, though. The thing that has probably made me the most miserable in life is worrying about what other people think and letting that worry spiral out of control in my head. I don't mean to say the problem is the worrying (it's good to care about others!) - the problem is leaving it inside my head. Bring it up. Talk it out. If you're worried about what to say in the moment, try writing it out in a letter, instead. Half the time I've discovered whatever I'm worrying they feel like, they're not feeling, or if they are, it feels worse for me than it does for them. I think most asexuals are highly sensitive, and we project and assume everyone else is highly sensitive too, when most aren't. If they ARE very upset, it's a whole 'nother set of skills to be able to hear that, not be overcome by a mountain of shame and guilt, and negotiate a path forward that balances your feelings equally to theirs. All these are communication skills which I did not have at first, though seeing as you came out to your boyfriend early on, you've probably already got some assertive communication skills and just need to tap into that. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneBonny159 Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 Honestly, yeah. The guilt is something I have a really hard time with. Even though my boyfriend says he doesn't care if we have sex or not, I know how important and "special" it is to him when we do it. I often feel like I'm denying him something he needs and deserves. I think it's good that you've told him from the start though, he knows what to expect and knows your boundaries. But if it comes up in conversations, or if you would feel better knowing exactly where he stands, then I think talking about it is always a good idea. I'm a strong believer that only good things can come from being honest, in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 I sometimes feel guilty, but mostly because I wasn’t able to tell my partner before we were married. If you have been open about your asexuality from the start, then this relationship is one he entered into knowingly, and a conscious choice he made for himself, Link to post Share on other sites
brbdogsonfire Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 23 hours ago, WolfAM said: I am asexual and I have been with my first boyfriend for a year now. I came out to him before we started dating and he's been really understanding and sweet. He never puts any pressure on me but I can't help but think that I'm being unfair for not having sex with him (He's never asked for it). Do others think the same? I've kissed him for a couple of times but I have noticed that after a kiss I feel a little like throwing up. I can't bring myself up to tell him that. I worry about it sometimes. You were fully open to him about it. It is his decision to stay in that situation. Nothing unfair about you out all your cards on the table. I'm dating an asexual woman and when she put all her cards on the table in our first date it impressed me. It build immediate respect for her and allowed me to know what I was getting into and for us to discuss issues. It may not work out but you should feel good about your actions here as they are the correct and responsible way to approach this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
WolfAM Posted November 2, 2019 Author Share Posted November 2, 2019 I didn't expect this many responses. Thank you! You have been very helpful to put my mind at ease Link to post Share on other sites
4evaawesome Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 Omg I feel the same way! And I'm glad I'm not alone honestly because time and again when we had small fits (ya know the usual disagreements) my head would always mess with me and tell me "why are you dragging him and holding him back? Y'all argue like kids.. What's the point of him fighting so hard to save the relationship when you can't even give him something that he naturally wants? ". I even voiced it out to him because it came to a point where this was all I was feeling guilty about and started hating the fact that I was an ace. Also, 'm uncomfortable and uninterested in not only sex but the visual aspect of it too in movies, I can't stand watching nudity either which also fueled the whole issue cuz he loves watching movies and even the slightest bit of "excess" skin would get me like "ughhhh why". But in the end, he hasn't changed his mind about anything and doesn't mind us not having sex at all although he says he'll feel so so so special if we ever decide to do it which makes me glad I have him as a partner ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
WolfAM Posted November 11, 2019 Author Share Posted November 11, 2019 On 11/4/2019 at 11:44 AM, 4evaawesome said: Omg I feel the same way! And I'm glad I'm not alone honestly because time and again when we had small fits (ya know the usual disagreements) my head would always mess with me and tell me "why are you dragging him and holding him back? Y'all argue like kids.. What's the point of him fighting so hard to save the relationship when you can't even give him something that he naturally wants? ". I even voiced it out to him because it came to a point where this was all I was feeling guilty about and started hating the fact that I was an ace. Also, 'm uncomfortable and uninterested in not only sex but the visual aspect of it too in movies, I can't stand watching nudity either which also fueled the whole issue cuz he loves watching movies and even the slightest bit of "excess" skin would get me like "ughhhh why". But in the end, he hasn't changed his mind about anything and doesn't mind us not having sex at all although he says he'll feel so so so special if we ever decide to do it which makes me glad I have him as a partner ♥ Glad to hear that you also have a great and understanding partner. Link to post Share on other sites
The Abhorred Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 On 10/29/2019 at 7:52 PM, Memento1 said: Half the time I've discovered whatever I'm worrying they feel like, they're not feeling, or if they are, it feels worse for me than it does for them. I think most asexuals are highly sensitive, and we project and assume everyone else is highly sensitive too, when most aren't. If they ARE very upset, it's a whole 'nother set of skills to be able to hear that, not be overcome by a mountain of shame and guilt, and negotiate a path forward that balances your feelings equally to theirs. Thank you for point that out. It is true, the part about assuming how others feel. It's not always the sensitivity issue I might add but how we see ourselves, our self esteem. Others may have clearly say that they are not hurt or upset by you and you don't just accept this. So keep bringing it up make you feel worse because it feels miserable to always asks for reassurance. Link to post Share on other sites
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