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Success stories


Mike39

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Dear all,

It was a relief to find this AVEN forum, especially this page, for sexual partners. After years of frustration I have got some more peace inside, because of your stories.

After two years of therapy my wife recognized that I am not that animal who is so rude to want some general intimacy at least sometimes. This recognition was like a sunshine.

Now we are slowly trying to find at least some compromise and hopefully it can be at least a bit sustainable. However, I have really lost a hope long time ago that I will be ever happy in the intimate life. The rest of the life without true intimacy with the one you love...

 

After reading the stories inThe Good Partner Thread I decided to ask a question to you. If anyone of you, who live with asexual partner, have ever reached the true inner peace and normal intimate happiness. I mean, not semi-sustainable compromise, but something much more real.

Can anyone tell a real success story?

Thank you

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I'll be honest, my semi-controversial opinion is that if a relationship is entered where sex is assumed to be a regular part of it-- I.E. not a relationship that was established at the start as asexual-- what the asexual person decides is what will make or break the relationship. 

 

If the asexual person decides that sex is off the table, it's probably unsustainable. And even if the asexual person decides that sex is okay, but gets wishy-washy with scheduling, waffles about doing it, puts it off, makes excuses, or just plain grows resentful or miserable... it's also over. 

 

It's obviously not the asexual person's fault, especially if they didn't know they were asexual when they entered the relationship. And no one should be having sex if they don't want to. But a compromise includes sex, and if they can't make themselves compromise, then the only other option-- no sex-- probably won't keep the relationship alive. 

 

All that said, I went into my latest relationship knowing I was asexual, and I warned my partner about it ahead of time, and I think we've come to a nice understanding. For one thing, I do my best to have sex with him and make it fun. I put the focus on him and not on me, because sex takes a lot of mental energy and I burn out real quick if there's an expectation that I must be satisfied. He reads my mood and backs off if I'm really not feeling it. And most importantly, we have a lot of romantic intimacy that is not sexual intimacy. Nothing puts me off faster than knowing that if I touch him or kiss him at all, it will "have" to lead to sex. It means that if I'm feeling particularly affectionate, I can go shower him with kisses and get some nice cuddling and then I can go on my merry way. 

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1 hour ago, Grimalkin said:

If the asexual person decides that sex is off the table, it's probably unsustainable.

I think an open relationship is an alternative that can work, but it takes a lot of factors to align & shouldn't be rushed into. (And for me the technical openness has been enormously valuable to me, even though my partner does have sex with me.)

But I think what you said probably has a lot of truth. It's a tough line to walk – such an enormous potential for either party to feel unhappy! (And then, to hide it, or communicate it poorly...) And as you say, it is not a "fault" thing. It's just a tough divide to bridge.

 

I don't want sex to ever be "owed" to me, I've set aside thinking of myself as a chore, even a minor one (although I was there at one point, and there probably is some truth in that framing). I try to consider it an act of love.

@Mike39 I'll try to post my story to that thread soon. I'd taken my time because success is a long process to achieve. :)

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I didn't realize I was asexual when I got married. My total lack of desire for sex made her start questioning whether I was cheating, because I "had" to be getting it from somewhere else. 

 

After a lot of talking and research on her part, she's the one that stumbled on the asexual label and it fit. I tried to push through it and still have sex with her, but she was turned off by the fact that I was just doing it for her. She said it made her feel wrong to do it when I didn't like it. 

 

I do think it's possible to continue as long as both sides are willing to compromise. Relationships are full of compromises. But compromises only work when both are willing to give a little. If either feels the relationship isn't worth the compromise, it could be tough to pull through.  

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Ah, I'll post it here.

I met my partner online 15+ years ago. He had dated women, but was dating a (poly, bi) guy at the time. We dated long distance, and moved in together when we got married (mostly for visa reasons). After several years together, we started having kids. For years, I thought my partner was simply shy or embarrassed by sex. I tried to figure out what secret there was to unlock, and a corrosive effect on self esteem as nothing at all seemed to interest him. I knew I was loved, and yet felt unloved.

In retrospect, he had sex because partners wanted it – and he went along with it, and wasn't upset by it – indifferent and uninterested. A year and a half ago, when a therapist suggested he might be asexual, it was a devastating revelation. He took some months to think about it, and eventually agreed. We had conversations where we learned how different each others' experiences were of sex & sexual desire. (I learned that few things repulsed him, too – this actually meant I could ask for sexual favors I'd been reluctant to ask for!) He's indifferent but has no attraction, never experienced desire for sex, awkwardly went along with it to make a partner happy, and never realized how different his own experience was – his nominal bisexuality was actually indifference.

It was a devastating thing for me. There's a number of feelings – anger at the unfairness of having lost something I never had. At the lost years. Relief for the explanation. Misery, feeling unloved and undesirable (I can't imagine anyone desiring me, now).

We focused on communicating love, and understanding each other's communication of it. He realized I experienced something he didn't – and was careful to ensure I feel no shame in that. He held me as I cried in despair, watched the kids when I took long walks alone in anger at the revealed truth. I became very careful about sex, and I repeatedly assure him that we can never do it again.

And yet we do – I go through phases where I swear I won't ask again, but sleeping next to someone I love, desire eventually comes unbidden to me, it's an inevitable part of who I am. Afterwards, I thank him, I ask if it was okay, I tell him I worry that I ask for too much. (And while this may sound submissive, the reality is that my sexual behavior became more dominant – perhaps that's how I negotiate desire with someone that doesn't have it – and so I'm compensating before and afterwards.) I'm thankful that he's kind to me in this respect.

Our relationship was open at the outset, something rarely exercised. He's been supportive of it being open again. That's been an enormous relief; facing a lifetime of never being desired was too much to bear. I haven't exercised it, but I expect I will someday. It matters because what intimacy we have now is not a compromise: he can say no at any time, I can get sex elsewhere, I only want this as a gift.

I'm transitioning now, and his support means the world to me. I'm loyal to him – committed to doing right by him – and trust him immensely. I think it took six months to come to peace with his asexuality, it's been a year and a half now. The story doesn't end, but I think we both feel peace, and love, and happiness.

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You'd have to ask @brbdogsonfire if you want his personal feelings on the matter, but we've been together... shit 6 years now? We don't live together yet because of circumstances but plan to in the near future. I'm happy with our relationship and he tells me that he's happy with the relationship. We just try really hard to talk to each other about things, even if the other is just being moody or quiet, we make sure it's not a result of us upsetting the other.

 

He's big on cuddling, me less so, but we found a good way to get the level of cuddling and sensual (not sexual) intimacy he craves by watching anime together. We'll cuddle up on bed and turn on something we (or just I) want to watch and that can go on for hours.

We talked about how I (we) don't like pet names, so ended up making our own because we're children. We're in a technically open relationship but he doesn't act on it because he chooses not to, not because I'm forcing him at all. I pet his husky, and we're happy.

 

I told him I was asexual in the very beginning, and we worked through my issues with sex to get to a satisfactory middle ground. I hope it continues to work when we're together all the time. 

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@Mike39 it can work. It can be great. Some couples have greater issues to battle, but ‘sex’ is constantly a hard one to crack. We have it. By agreed-upon schedule. Not sexy, but nice. She can always play the vetocard and say no. We sometimes take a rain check or postpone. This is where I am extra reminded that it is a mutual agreement, and no longer (never was...) done as an act of love in itself. The deal is, that it is me, who wants/needs the sex. She is okay and can even enjoy it. When it is x-day, we slip under the sheets and I try to find out, what she is okay with today/tonigth. Her benefits are mostly intimacy, closeness and giving a present for me. My benefits are intimacy, sex/aid for better masturbation, closeness, keeping depression away and getting a present. Luckily, she enjoys me giving her a present too, but the stars have to be aligned, the mood right and time, not to late.

 

I strongly recommend moving away from the term ‘compromise’ as it has a sad ring to it. It sounds like nobody gets what they want. Go for ‘find a good solution’ or a suitible agreement. It does seem a bit businesslike, but my experience is, that a thing like foreplay/flirting is closer to moving her away than a gentle push towards the sex. It even has to be downtoned a bit.

 

Me:“Do you think, you could be okay with participating in a sexual activity or would you rather wait ...and keep knitting?”

Her: “yes, that would be okay. Let me just watch this crime story and afterwards the news and be sure that the kids are asleep!”

me: “nice. Then I will go take a shower!”

 

...but if she knows, she will decline. Then I try to get her to say it earlier. “Look, can we postpone it? I have a lot in my mind.” Or better yet “ i love you and i know that it is an important thing for us, but can we wait?”

then I am given the possibility to say: “of course. I appreciate what you do. I love you too.”

 

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brbdogsonfire
15 hours ago, SithGirl said:

You'd have to ask @brbdogsonfire if you want his personal feelings on the matter, but we've been together... shit 6 years now? We don't live together yet because of circumstances but plan to in the near future. I'm happy with our relationship and he tells me that he's happy with the relationship. We just try really hard to talk to each other about things, even if the other is just being moody or quiet, we make sure it's not a result of us upsetting the other.

 

He's big on cuddling, me less so, but we found a good way to get the level of cuddling and sensual (not sexual) intimacy he craves by watching anime together. We'll cuddle up on bed and turn on something we (or just I) want to watch and that can go on for hours.

We talked about how I (we) don't like pet names, so ended up making our own because we're children. We're in a technically open relationship but he doesn't act on it because he chooses not to, not because I'm forcing him at all. I pet his husky, and we're happy.

 

I told him I was asexual in the very beginning, and we worked through my issues with sex to get to a satisfactory middle ground. I hope it continues to work when we're together all the time. 

@SithGirl is the light of my life. We work together to keep each other happy and that includes non sexual stuff. Communication is important to us even though we are both socially awkward people. We are patient and trust in the other to always discuss problems.

 

We work together and get along on a personal level very well. When it comes to sex of course there is a disconnect there, but I think we both try and work with the other person to keep us both happy. We have found intimacy to be more important typically than sex so that helps.

 

I'm weird so knowing I could technically have sex with others helps me mentally deal with a lower than ideal amount of sex.  Before we were open I felt trapped, but after I no longer feel that way. I don't sleep around because the one time I tried j felt disgusted about it. I'm pretty certain the only time I'd ever want to be open again is of we ever went sexless.

 

I know that was a ramble so I can address any questions people may have.

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5 hours ago, brbdogsonfire said:

I'm weird so knowing I could technically have sex with others helps me mentally deal with a lower than ideal amount of sex.  Before we were open I felt trapped, but after I no longer feel that way.

Big agree with this, I'm the same way, just having the option makes a big difference for me too & yet not motivated to do it.

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@anisotrophic @SithGirl @brbdogsonfire @MrDane @Grimalkin


thank you. Your stories really helps. You cannot believe, what impact this forum can make.

 

As I understood, while reading this forum, there are a number of steps that almost every couple have to survive:

  1. strange intimacy (sometimes even active) at the beginning
  2. strong decline of intimacy
  3. strong drop of self-esteem of the sexual partner
  4. frustration and resentfulness of the sexual partner (What is wrong with you? I am grown-up person, why it is forbidden for me? Why I have to masturbate lonely in the darkness if I live with a partner I love?)
  5. triggered defense mechanism of ace partner (Why you think about sex so much? Are you a pig? Are you a sex addict because you want sex once per week and once every birthday is not enough for you? Is there a pill against such enormous sex drive?)
  6. some therapy or reading such AVEN forum brings understanding that there is no pig-person and there is no ice-person, there are just unmatched people
  7. solution: a) spearation, b) deeper understanding how your loved-one lives and trying to change something

If the 7b fails, everything stars over from 3.

 

It would be so great if such issues would have been discussed already at school.

 

Nowadays there are lots of talk about gay life and hetoro-gay mismatched marrieges are already rare. But sexual-ace is quite common.

 

Thank you for understanding

 

 

 

 

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brbdogsonfire
On 10/29/2019 at 5:37 PM, anisotrophic said:

Big agree with this, I'm the same way, just having the option makes a big difference for me too & yet not motivated to do it.

I'm happy I'm not the only one. People I have tried to explain it to all think I'm crazy. To me it shifts the fault of low sex in my mind from her to me since I could go get it if I want. The frustration since then has been much much less, but I also get most people in this situation would probably sleep around so it's not a guaranteed fix. Thanks for the response!

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AceMissBehaving
On 11/4/2019 at 2:17 AM, Mike39 said:

 

It would be so great if such issues would have been discussed already at school.

 

Nowadays there are lots of talk about gay life and hetoro-gay mismatched marrieges are already rare. But sexual-ace is quite common.

 

Thank you for understanding

I do hope there will be more mention of it in sex education programs in the future. I think the more awareness people have about asexuality, the less sexual-ace mixes we’ll probably see. Some of it is I think, folks not knowing their orientation before getting in deep, that seems especially common with older aces like myself.
 

Some of it though is the split attraction part. A gay person is unlikely to be romantically interested in a member of the opposite sex, but with asexuality it’s possible for people to develop strong reciprocated feelings for someone not also ace.

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@AceMissBehaving, thank you for the answer. The problem about relationships with rare sex is that person that declines sex can be unaware about the seriousness of the damage that can be created. Also the low desire partner can be seen as more ethical than that other "animal".

 

In the media you can see such blurry ideas "there are no norms, if the couple feel good, than whatever frequency is all ok". Which is ok when couples are really really talking and understands everything. However, very often it is not a case. Typically the "ethical" partner assumes that it is his desire is ok and accepts the idea "there is no norms" in very straightforward way. Often it takes years until couple reach some understanding. The problem that there is no CRITERIA when people should start thinking about situation more.

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Over 25 years with my partner here. We're probably an odd case. My partner is ace. I'm sexual but have a lot of psychological baggage around being bi, nonbinary, and an abuse survivor. Celibacy is soooooo much better than trying to have sex with someone who's not on the same page in those areas and willing to put in the  work. And I can take care of my own sexual needs.

 

It actually really bugs me when sex with other people is defined as a fundamental need, because that's rehetoric that's been used in the past to emotionally bully around my boundaries. And looking  around there seem to be a growing number of my peers choosing to skip right out of dating, marriage, and long term relationships because of cultural and emotional work issues.

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11 hours ago, Mike39 said:

The problem about relationships with rare sex is that person that declines sex can be unaware about the seriousness of the damage that can be created.  Also the low desire partner can be seen as more ethical than that other "animal".

It goes both ways.  Usually by the end, both partners have suffered severely and both feel like their suffering is minimized by the other.  Ranking who is more "ethical" also is a surefire end to the relationship.  The meta-feelings of guilt or righteousness that we brood on are far harder to break than the initial hurt.

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7 hours ago, KiraS said:

It actually really bugs me when sex with other people is defined as a fundamental need

I appreciate that it might not feel that way for you, but it does seem to be a fundamental social/emotional need for many sexual folks -- like hugs or talking. Yes, the absence won't kill a human, but it will typically hurt. I think gay people risk a lot to fulfill this part of themselves.

 

Being non-binary with an ace partner has brought me my own set of hazards, as T has raised my anxiety about potentially harassing him. But it seems to be ok.

 

 

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On 11/4/2019 at 3:17 AM, Mike39 said:

@anisotrophic @SithGirl @brbdogsonfire @MrDane @Grimalkin


 

As I understood, while reading this forum, there are a number of steps that almost every couple have to survive:

  1. strange intimacy (sometimes even active) at the beginning
  2. strong decline of intimacy
  3. strong drop of self-esteem of the sexual partner
  4. frustration and resentfulness of the sexual partner (What is wrong with you? I am grown-up person, why it is forbidden for me? Why I have to masturbate lonely in the darkness if I live with a partner I love?)
  5. triggered defense mechanism of ace partner (Why you think about sex so much? Are you a pig? Are you a sex addict because you want sex once per week and once every birthday is not enough for you? Is there a pill against such enormous sex drive?)
  6. some therapy or reading such AVEN forum brings understanding that there is no pig-person and there is no ice-person, there are just unmatched people
  7. solution: a) spearation, b) deeper understanding how your loved-one lives and trying to change something

If the 7b fails, everything stars over from 3.

 

I hope you don’t mind but I cut this section out of your post and copied it to my husband. He’s not on this forum. He will never know who you are or even were I got it. I cut out the ‘Aven and forms’ as well. 

The sentence read ‘after some therapy Brings...’ 

We are working through things and I have a hard time talking and not crying sometimes. So this was way clearer then my crying words and the way you wrote it with no emotions helped give it a distance that helped him see it as a universal issue and not a ‘me’ issue. 
We’ve been married 20 years so that ‘I’m an adult bit hit home hard. 
 We are committed to each other and love each other and are trying. And this helped us have the best conversation on the topic yet. 

Im sorry if I over stepped in using this but it honestly helped in ways I can’t convey to you.

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20 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I appreciate that it might not feel that way for you, but it does seem to be a fundamental social/emotional need for many sexual folks -- like hugs or talking. Yes, the absence won't kill a human, but it will typically hurt. I think gay people risk a lot to fulfill this part of themselves.

 

If you look at the vast diversity of sexual behavior, sexual motivations, and cultural contexts in which sex is considered acceptable or obligatory, that just isn't true as a universal and normative statement. Sexual frequency ranges from long-term celibacy to several times a day. Motivations can include intimacy, but can also be economically transactional, ritual, or involve minimal intimacy. And in American culture, we have taboos (inconsistent but still taboos) about having sex while elderly, trans, disabled, fat, deployed in military service, and recently widowed. I feel a lot less pressure to have sex at 50 than I did at 25. (Cross culturally there's also a postpartum sex taboo.) Few would think less of me if I prioritized my career or public service over my sex life.

 

That diversity is also true of gay people, and as an AMAB queer person I've gotten abuse based on my presumed hypersexuality.

 

That's not getting into the question of "what is sex." Many people would say that my sex isn't really sex.

 

I think it's a big problem when these big normative statements about "the true inner peace and normal intimate happiness" are made. It's important to figure out what you need out of a relationship. But everyone has different relationship needs. And everyone gets different things out of sex. I think centering these discussions on individual needs rather than making normative statements opens up these conversations a great deal, opens up the door to more success stories, and avoids supporting a certain strain of rape culture.

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36 minutes ago, KiraS said:

I think centering these discussions on individual needs rather than making normative statements opens up these conversations a great deal

Yes, and I was careful to do that, I hope? It is a very typical need, and clearly not universal. (Furthermore, the emotional importance for many folks tends to be less discussed, in my experience.)

 

The statement you made seemed to imply there is a universal untruth to anyone claiming it as a need for themselves. I was noting that while it isn't universal, it is still true for many, it is a very common one.

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Sure. As I said, I push back hard to clarify these things because I have a long history where accusations of hypersexuality have been used against me in abusive ways.

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