Struggling with being aro & feeling broken

[bluebetta]

Hi everyone,

 

I’m currently really struggling with being aromantic, I am also asexual but this doesn’t bother me and I am proud of my asexuality. However, due to society pushing romance constantly in my face I feel so broken and bound to be alone forever as no one will ever think I’m important enough since I’m not a romantic partner.

 

Every friend I have ever had has ditched me for other people, mainly romantic partners, and I’m just abandoned and left behind.

I have my best friend who has been best friends with me for almost 5 years now and I adore him to pieces and he means so much to me. He recently made a new friend and this set me into a meltdown because I am scared of being abandoned or “not the best friend” anymore. Obviously I treasure friendships a hell of a lot.

 

I tell him everything so he has reassured me that he isn’t going anywhere and that I mean the world to him and will drag me with him anywhere he goes. Sadly, because of my past I am very clingy and attached to people and I find this hard to trust. But I do believe he won’t go anywhere as he hates lying with a passion and treats me as family.

 

Thing is, he recently told me he has changed his mind about being aromantic as well and said he would like to be in a relationship at some point with someone, but still reassuring me he’s not going anywhere and treasures me to pieces. I want to trust this but I also can’t cope with the idea of him getting into a relationship and slowly fading me out. I’d rather he just never met anyone cus I don’t have anyone else.

 

I just really can’t accept my aromanticism as it is causing me distress and causing issues in my current friendship as they are all I have. I’ve never had crushes or anything like that as I find them repulsive. One time I went out with a friend and they said it was a nice date and I threw up on the spot because I felt so disgusted and anxious.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? With the fear of being abandoned? I don’t want to lose my best friend to a possible future relationship and the idea just breaks my heart and makes me incredibly anxious. My best friend is currently worried sick about me because I am so broken over all this.

 

I also feel very selfish and awful for getting so anxious about this and making him feel like he can’t make other friends or a relationship. He absolutely can, but I find it completely anxiety crippling. It’s very bad behaviour and I accept this and want to improve on it.

 

I feel very silly writing all this out, but some help or reassurance from other aromantics would be amazing. I’m sick of feeling so different and broken, I just want to be someone special to someone without the need of romance constantly being shoved in my face.

 

Please be gentle as I’m currently in a very fragile state and would only appreciate nice comments. It’s very difficult to accept.

[Scottthespy]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I unfortunately don't have much advice for how to get over this, but maybe I can offer some 'grass is always greener on the other side' perspective.

 

I'm an aromantic ace who is thrilled to be aro, because in my experience relationships are a massive debilitating pain in the ass. My mother was in and out of stupid relationships, one of which turned so bad the cops had to get involved before she finally cut it off. I've seen countless tales of people in abusive and lackluster relationships because 'omg we're so in love'. I've seen romantic people in the same 'forever alone' struggle you're currently in because even when they wanted a romantic relationship but couldn't find one to suit them. I had a close personal friend who had the type of clinginess and anxiety issues you describe who turned into a proverbial 'nice guy' in his bitterness, then when he finally did find a girlfriend they were terrible for each other because she's a third wave feminist and he's a Trump supporter, but they stayed together undermining each other's happiness and self esteem, constantly fighting, and eventually growing to not even feel safe around each other. Romance, to me, sounds like a bum deal from start to finish. It traps you in illogical and damaging situations with incompatible people because you're too twitterpated to see reality, and it doesn't solve the fear of loneliness. Even when it does work out, even when things are at their best, its still a lot of extra time and effort to arrange things so that everybody gets what they need and want done.

 

 

On the topic of you trying to feel more secure in yourself, I think its possible that the main issue here is one of self esteem...that you're worried that you'll loose your friends because a part of you doesn't believe you're fun to be around. The solution may be to work on that part of you, until you're certain that you are worth that time, that your friends want to be with you and will make time even if they do end up with other people. If you can gain that kind of confidence, your friend finding new friends won't scare you, it will thrill you, because new friends for them means new people for you to meet and be friends with. Romantic relationships might come along and take precedence, but you'll know that you'll still see those friends, they won't be gone completely and forever. I think working on ways to be more confidant in your own likability would be beneficial to you.

[Red Ivy]

I feel you.

 

I have bit of a different situation I'm going through though. People in my class at school have recently started to gradually come out as various LGBTQ+ identities. I'm super happy for them, considering they can finally be themselves at school, but this does mean there has been a lot more dating going on and nobody besides me (that I know of) is aro. Sure, before all this started, I felt the pressure, but now that there is more of that going on around me, it's been really messing with me. And now, alongside the peer pressure, there's a ton of self-doubt because I have nobody in real life to relate to. Whenever I see two of my class mates flirting, or any kind of drama, I get really depressed, knowing I'm never going to get that, knowing I'm never going to understand. It makes me feel like I'm missing out. Like I was born missing something, and by definition, broken.

 

I hope you can push through this and find some support. And I'm sorry that I can't provide any hope. But I can tell you one thing, you aren't alone. There are others who understand what you're going through, and it will get better. It may take time, but it will. 

 

Sorry if I'm being cliche ,

 

Ivy

 

[Zagadka]

Sorry you're feeling that way. It gets rough, getting to a point where everyone is getting into serious relationships, getting married, having kids... it can be hard to find a serious connection with someone. They tend to be distracted. But all relationships - romantic, platonic, whatever - require constant communication and effort to maintain. People drift apart. It is natural. It isn't inevitable, though, and you can maintain that kind of closeness.

 

Just remember that you aren't alone in that kind of struggle. There's other aro aces out there, and even people who are romantic struggle with the same issues. Sometimes worse.

[DarkStormyKnight]

I feel this yeah, I want my friends to be happy but also it's hard for me to not be upset if they ditch me for their romantic relationship. Just remember that you aren't the only one who feels this way, and that you have all the support and love you need in self-love and self-esteem, it just can be harder to find sometimes. Hope that helps a little. ❤️ 

[maybeimamazed]

I feel you, I really do.

 

My advice - which is easier said than done - is to focus on the present. You guys are close friends and love each other. That's it. There's no point stressing that this might change.

[WanderingKate]

First thing's first...you are not broken.

 

The first thing I noticed about your post is your own self-awareness, which was impressive to say the least...you recognize that your fear of abandonment is irrational as your friend shows no signs of leaving you and obviously cares about you. But a fear of abandonment is deeply human. Please don't feel selfish, it isn't selfish to have feelings and you are allowed to have fears and insecurities. I guess the only advice I can give you is that even though its hard...I think you should challenge yourself to trust your friend. It doesn't sound like you have any reason not to, even from the few paragraphs you wrote it sounds like he is worried for you and that worry is obviously rooted in concern for you as someone he cares about. And even if he does find a partner, that doesn't mean he'll suddenly disappear and leave you. People are capable of balancing romantic partnerships as well as strong friendships and familial relationships. If he cares about you, he will make time for you, whether he is in a relationship or not. 

[bluebetta]

Thankyou everyone for your support, I have been really struggling and these comments are helping a lot. 💜

 

I need to trust my best friend and stop thinking he will see someone behind my back. I understand it’s a toxic way of thinking and must work on it, he’s fully allowed to. But obviously this doesn’t stop my anxiety and overthinking.

 

but seriously, everyone thankyou so much. It feels so much better knowing there are others like me.

[LilDaKittieKat]

I can relate

 

I have trust issues. I’ve gone through 7 fake friends, two of which when I was 5. This made it hard for me to trust people, and going into a new school where none of my friends were on my team, it was very hard. Eventually I made friends, but I can’t trust them because I’m scared that the second I finally let them in, they’ll betray me and break my heart to pieces again. I’m an Aro ace too, and I can understand the struggle. One of my friends just got a boyfriend and significantly cut off her time with the rest of us. I really don’t want her to go, because I’m afraid the others will follow. If you think your being selfish about it, then try to work on being on your own. I know it’s not easy, when I moved it took me a year and a half to find friends again. 

 

Romantic relationships aren’t as good as they seem. They repulse me as well. Romance sets you up with the illusion that it will last forever, then when it ends, your left alone, with heartache. I fell broken as well. I can’t tell my parents because they won’t understand, and the open person that I do trust here doesn’t understand either. If you try and explain to him just how much you need a friend, maybe you’ll see that he is telling the truth. I know I’m being a hypocrite because I wouldn’t trust someone who said that either, but I’m trying my best to give advice. It’s not easy being Aromantic, we have to remember that we have a community that we belong to. Without that, we’ll stay broken forever. Sorry if the advice isn’t the best, I’m really bad at giving advice

[Phantasmal Fingers]

On 10/26/2019 at 3:12 PM, bluebetta said:

Does anyone else feel this way? With the fear of being abandoned? 

For me, this is your most perceptive and revealing comment. 

 

Once upon a time we were all in the womb in a state of symbiotic non-dual oneness. Then we were evicted from home. We shot through the birth canal and ended up locked out, so to speak. I think we all have underlying issues with abandonment. 

 

In my experience meditation can take you back, through recovering memories, to the trauma and exhilaration of birth - as Grof puts it, the "volcanic ecstasy" of shooting through the birth canal, for example. This is what I personally used to fixate on. I recovered a recurring nightmare (none of which I understood at the time - I was 2 to 3 - which traumatised me) a part of which was do do with a fixation on the birth canal experience. It explained a lot about the interests and habits of my younger self. 

 

It was fascinating to discover how such an early experience - which I would imagine is traumatic for everyone in some way or other - could determine all sorts of likes and dislikes and preferences, the unconscious searching out and repeating the same emotional content of abandonment in different guises.

 

Anyway, do you think your aromanticism is a cause of your feelings of abandonment? Could it be the other way around? Even if there is no direct link could it be that your aromanticism evokes pre-existing feelings of abandonment that have an origin in some other experience(s) ? If you search through your earliest memories, bearing something like this in mind, who knows what might suddenly strike you? 

[bluebetta]

I feel like my aromanticism is causing the abandonment issues, I feel if I was romantic this fear of my friend finding a relationship wouldn’t bother me. But I can’t deny that my past situations of being ditched isn’t helping.

 

I just want him to be my platonic life partner, best friend and us be each other’s favourite.

unfortunately I know this is a lot to ask from a non aroace person, but when you love someone so much platonically and that’s all you feel, it just.... hurts you know? It’s not good enough, but it’s everything to me.

[Phantasmal Fingers]

On 10/31/2019 at 9:31 PM, bluebetta said:

I feel if I was romantic this fear of my friend finding a relationship wouldn’t bother me. 

But you aren't. And it does. Why is that? 

 

Your 'being ditched' in the past is what I feel you need to deal with. You haven't yet which is why I think it's still bothering you. Easy to say, isn't it? If you don't happen to be you, that is... 

 

What is it you really want? 

 

Someone else? To be you? Both?