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crazy ace

What is you stance on Sex favourability?

How do you feel about sex favourability in Asexuals?  

92 members have voted

  1. 1. How do you feel about sex favourability in Asexuals?

    • Indifferent: Why should I care how they identify? It doesn't really affect me.
      34
    • Anti: No, if you're sex-favourable, you're just sexual. An asexual does not want or inherently desire sex by definition
      21
    • Pro: Of course there are sex-favorable aces, as this is entirely possible.. Stop invalidating them and accept them
      37
  2. 2. How do you feel about it if the given definition is to enjoy sex, but not have it tied to attraction?

    • indifferent
      14
    • anti
      3
    • pro
      13
    • I disagree with the definition
      9
  3. 3. If sex favourable means not minding having sex:

    • indifferent
      16
    • anti
      2
    • pro
      18
    • I disagree with this definition
      3


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anisotrophic
1 hour ago, crazy ace said:

Could you tell me your stance so that I could apply it to the poll?

FWIW this is bad practice for research ūüėõ¬†¬†Your poll results end up being invalidated by you changing it after you've already started collecting data.

 

I really do think it would be productive to spell out options for a "sex favorable" definition, what people think that term should mean. Then poll on that. That would enable others to use the results of that poll in discussions with people that are (considering) self-identifying as sex-favorable.

But get a good poll ready first? Don't update it after you've made it... ;) Rather than open a poll right away, you could start by drying to distill potential definitions in this thread and see if anyone has suggested additions or refinements.

The "definition debates" may feel circular and endless, but if you do a good job outlining the competing definitions people think are leading to confusion ‚Äď and then ask them what they¬†think¬†the definition *should* be ‚Äď I do think that could help advance conversation.

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Guest
4 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

FWIW this is bad practice for research ūüėõ¬†¬†Your poll results end up being invalidated by you changing it after you've already started collecting data.

 

I really do think it would be productive to spell out options for a "sex favorable" definition, what people think that term should mean. Then poll on that. That would enable others to use the results of that poll in discussions with people that are (considering) self-identifying as sex-favorable.

But get a good poll ready first? Don't update it after you've made it... ;) Rather than open a poll right away, you could start by drying to distill potential definitions in this thread and see if anyone has suggested additions or refinements.

The "definition debates" may feel circular and endless, but if you do a good job outlining the competing definitions people think are leading to confusion ‚Äď and then ask them what they¬†think¬†the definition *should* be ‚Äď I do think that could help advance conversation.

Adding to that...

 

Technical limitations of this forum's software mean everyone who has voted until now not only can't change their vote on the original question after clarification, but can't vote on added questions at all. It completely distorts the results.

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Alejandrogynous
5 hours ago, Puck said:

Hmmmm, I¬†could be getting ‚Äúsex-favorable‚ÄĚ mixed up with an old term that was tossed around for¬†years¬†then. Why ever the opposite of ‚Äúsex-repulsed‚ÄĚ was. Now that I think of it,¬†maybe it was sex-positive? Because that‚Äôs how it was always described to me years ago; sex-positives (I guess?) were the ones who basically didn‚Äôt find sex completely gross and could do it for their partners.

No, you're right - that's what sex favorable meant when it first started getting used as a term on AVEN. But then a few people got ahold of it and now it means something different to those who claim it as a label. (Or at least it does to the most vocal "sex favorable asexuals," and is probably what the OP had in mind when they made the poll.)

 

People also tried to use sex positive the same way but I think there was a bigger pushback on not letting that term be warped because of its origins in the sex positive movement, which is good. Sex positivity has nothing to do with ones personal views on sex, but is about respecting everyone else's views on sex regardless of how we personally feel about it.

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GlamRocker

It seems that everyone has a different idea of what these words mean! Wow, I didn't expect the confusion to be this great! We really need to sort these terms out, it's been causing trouble for AWHILE! I remember a poll asking something like whether you are repulsed or indifferent as an asexual, but it was clear that there isn't an understood division between sex negative and repulsed...

 

Repulsed asexuals can still be sex positive! Sex positivity/neutrality/negativity is one's political stance towards sex in society... not the way one feels about personally taking part in sex acts (repulsion)!

 

In the case of the trouble we're having HERE, sex indifferent seems to be what most people use to describe when they WILL have sex with a partner when the partner requests it. Sex favorable seems to be being used (by most using it) to describe when the person actively desires sex.

 

I feel that we also need another term, like sex NO or something, lol... because you can be a SEX NO person without being repulsed... people appear to think this is not possible. But this is what I AM. I'm a sex positive, non repulsed, SEX NO person.

 

When you think about it, it would be totally possible to be a sex positive, repulsed, sex INDIFFERENT person, even. Meaning, politically supports making sexual expression easier and removing stigmas, but is personally repulsed by being part of sex acts... but will still agree to have sex with their partner to keep said partner happy.

 

Yeah, these terms need worked out officially.

 

Repulsed could use fleshing out, even. Personally repulsed being the person is repulsed by being PART of sex acts, but not repulsed from seeing or hearing about sexual content. Totally repulsed could be repulsed by BOTH.

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Alejandrogynous

@GlamRocker It's nice to know I'm not the only one who has issues with the term sex repulsed. That's the label I technically fall under since I will not have sex and I'm not open to compromise (although, I'm open to being open about compromise if I met the right person, if that's not a confusing statement to put out there), so I'm "sex repulsed." I never liked using the term though, because to me, "repulsion" evokes a sort of violent aversion or disgust, which I don't have towards sex at all. I just don't personally like having it, so I won't. 

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GlamRocker
5 minutes ago, Alejandrogynous said:

because to me, "repulsion" evokes a sort of violent aversion or disgust, which I don't have towards sex at all. I just don't personally like having it, so I won't. 

Exactly! In the past, when I had sex, trying to "figure myself out" I felt absolutely ZERO "ewww." Just a weird, "Hey, why am I not liking this? Why do I not care about this? Why do I have the feeling I'm not interested in this?" Until I just accepted that I don't care for sex... even though it doesn't gross me out in the slightest to even be a PART of sex acts!

 

Also, asexuals who are repulsed WANT others to understand that being touched in a sexual manner (or possibly even hearing/seeing sexual content) REALLY GROSSES THEM OUT.

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Alejandrogynous
8 minutes ago, GlamRocker said:

Exactly! In the past, when I had sex, trying to "figure myself out" I felt absolutely ZERO "ewww." Just a weird, "Hey, why am I not liking this? Why do I not care about this? Why do I have the feeling I'm not interested in this?" Until I just accepted that I don't care for sex... even though it doesn't gross me out in the slightest to even be a PART of sex acts!

 

Also, asexuals who are repulsed WANT others to understand that being touched in a sexual manner (or possibly even hearing/seeing sexual content) REALLY GROSSES THEM OUT.

Haha, well I guess compared to that, I'm a little sex repulsed.¬†ūüėÖ¬†I didn't used to be, but after having so much sex when I was figuring myself out, getting so much shit for not liking it, and also having some¬†experiences that I wasn't, er, completely comfortable with having... yeah, now I would have a definite stop reaction to anyone trying to put their hands on me in a sexual way. But I'm still not grossed out by sex, I'm not uncomfortable with the idea of having sex any¬†more than I'm uncomfortable with the idea of someone offering me a food I don't like.¬†I just¬†say no.

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GlamRocker
9 minutes ago, Alejandrogynous said:

yeah, now I would have a definite stop reaction to anyone trying to put their hands on me in a sexual way.

I have more of a, "Oh, sweetie, that's not for me!" And... moves their hands. There's a gay guy at work that I'm really friendly with who will just run up and smack or pinch your ass if he likes you, for example. This doesn't bother me at all, I know it's how he shows affection and he obviously isn't going to expect sex from me!!! hahahahaha

 

11 minutes ago, Alejandrogynous said:

But I'm still not grossed out by sex, I'm not uncomfortable with the idea of having sex any more than I'm uncomfortable with the idea of someone offering me a food I don't like. I just say no.

SAME!!!!

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daveb
9 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Oh no, I understood you were honestly asking. I meant funny as in 'ironic' because actually, there's no official definition, only the definition that sex favourable aces themselves use in this community, which is the only place that officially accepts such a thing as existing. So it's just very ironic really Y_Y Sorry if that came off as factitious (edit: meant facetious heh, damn autocorrect), should have worded it better!

Yeah, I could see that some people used the term a certain way, on AVEN and even a few places off of AVEN (personal blogs/sites). I just wondered if there was a more established definition that I wasn't finding, since your statement about the definition sounded so authoritative. If it's just that that's how some people use it when talking about themselves that's fine, too. :) 

 

Back to the main point of the thread as I see it. I don't know about labels, but I'd define myself by saying I have no problem with other people having sex or with sex being talked about, but I don't have any interest in watching it depicted in media (my level of repugnance to that depends on how explicit it is, the less explicit the more indifferent to it I am), and have absolutely no desire to engage in it myself.

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Philip027
Quote

Adding to that...

 

Technical limitations of this forum's software mean everyone who has voted until now not only can't change their vote on the original question after clarification, but can't vote on added questions at all. It completely distorts the results.

This is why I didn't cast a vote.  None of the options really fit my stance, plus there's the fact "sex favorable" can mean different things depending on who's being asked >_>

 

In cases like these I tend to just make a post stating what my answer would be.

 

Incidentally, I tended to be greatly frustrated by school exams that said "choose the best answer" rather than "choose the correct answer".  I think all these answers suck because they're all wrong!  Why are you making me choose one?

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Sevrn

Overall, indifferent. 

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Homer
6 hours ago, crazy ace said:

Could you tell me your stance so that I could apply it to the poll?

"Anti: No, if you're sex-favourable, you're just sexual. An asexual does not want or inherently desire sex by definition". That last sentence is correct. However, that does not make these people sexual.

 

(I don't mind you leaving the poll as is, editing the options will just screw with the results anyway)

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crazy ace
2 minutes ago, Homer said:

"Anti: No, if you're sex-favourable, you're just sexual. An asexual does not want or inherently desire sex by definition". That last sentence is correct. However, that does not make these people sexual.

I put this because I find that many people that are anti-sex-favourable asexuals feel that sex-favourability is the same thing as inherently desiring sex.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
8 hours ago, SithGirl said:

Not to start a definition debate (wink to OP), but I have found a few sex-favorable asexuals to be just enjoys it more than a sex-indifferent asexual would. So I wouldn't just group them all together and say they're using the same definition.

 

I mean, how should we feel if non-asexuals just assumed we all agreed on the same definition for our own label? ...Wait......

Oh I've met people who identify like that too, but others will always tell them they're using the term incorrectly because it's come to mean "actively desires sex for pleasure". if you actually get a group of them together in a thread, other sex favourables will tell said person that they're using the term wrong.

 

A few people responded to SkyCaptains comment clarifying the definition because we've been involved in said discussions for years and seen how it plays out every time. When people join the discussion and say "wait I'm sex favourable and I don't actively desire sex, I just don't hate it when I have it" they'll correct said person and say "oh the term you're looking for is sex neutral then". 

 

You do have to have a group of them together though, like in the pinned thread that caused a stir from a few years ago. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, crazy ace said:

I put this because I find that many people that are anti-sex-favourable asexuals feel that sex-favourability is the same thing as inherently desiring sex.

Heh well it is the same thing as inherently desiring sex when they literally say "wait but I do inherently desire sex and I'm still asexual, I'm a sex favourable asexual" - literally been involved in in-depth discussions with at least 3 separate people (publicly on the forums) over the past 3 weeks who identify exactly that way. (Edit: I'd also like to clarify that these members aren't newbs. They've been around for a while doing this)

 

I'm not sure how aware others are of the situation, but there's been a group of them recently jumping in on any discussion where others are discussing sexual attraction or sexual desire or whatever, and they jump in to say "well actually I'm asexual and I do inherently desire sex, so you're wrong about what sexual attraction feels like". Another of them is actually saying that the sex she desires isn't 'real' sex, because the only real sex is PiV and oral, so you're only a sexual person if you desire either of those things and if you desire other kinds of sex then you're an asexual.

 

That's just two examples from a massive, massive string of discussions that have been happening over like the past few weeks alone :o And I'm pretty sure that's what started that 'invalidation' thread that got locked recently. Because so many of us were (still politely) saying that inherently desiring partnered sex kind of goes against the definition of asexuality, and those people were claiming that we are directly invalidating their asexuality by trying to explain how sexual attraction feels for sexual people (some of us are actual sexual people trying to explain it), what 'normal' sex actually is (ie it's all normal!), and what the definition of asexuality means. 

 

The public opinion about all¬†this would be very different if others were actually aware of the situation that has been unfolding ūüėē

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Moon Spirit ‚ėĹ
8 hours ago, GlamRocker said:

I'm a sex positive, non repulsed, SEX NO person

I can't imagine telling someone that¬†ūüėā¬†

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SithEmpress

For the questions added later, here are my answers:

 

2) How do you feel about it if the given definition is to enjoy sex, but not have it tied to attraction?

I agree with that definition and find it doesn't conflict with the definition of asexuality, therefore they're free to be asexual or not. So I'd be "Pro".

 

3) If sex favourable means not minding having sex?

"I disagree with that definition." We already have sex-neutral and sex-indifferent to refer to such people. It's a "Meh" answer on the "Would you like sex?" 

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SithEmpress
8 hours ago, GlamRocker said:

But this is what I AM. I'm a sex positive, non repulsed, SEX NO person.

I find the term you're looking for is sex-averse. It's how I've heard the term mean, anyway. Like a "I'd rather not" if propositioned for sex, but not repulsed by it. I identify the same way, though sometimes I'm just sex-neutral or sex-indifferent so I blame myself for muddying the terms for their usage as labels. 

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Guest
6 minutes ago, SithGirl said:

For the questions added later, here are my answers:

I'll copy that format, because your answers are close to mine.

 

 

7 minutes ago, SithGirl said:

2) How do you feel about it if the given definition is to enjoy sex, but not have it tied to attraction?

I agree with that definition and find it doesn't conflict with the definition of asexuality, therefore they're free to be asexual or not. So I'd be "Pro".

While I don't agree with that definition, I don't see any conflict between that and asexuality whatsoever. I'd vote "Indifferent".

 

 

7 minutes ago, SithGirl said:

3) If sex favourable means not minding having sex?

"I disagree with that definition." We already have sex-neutral and sex-indifferent to refer to such people. It's a "Meh" answer on the "Would you like sex?" 

Couldn't have said it better. "Disagree with that definition"

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

I'm confused. When I first responded there was only one question (that I could see) which I answered. Now there are more questions and it seems to think I've answered them already even though I didn't answer them :o

 

But I'm not sure why there isn't an option for 'how do you feel about it if the given definition means you're an asexual who inherently desires sexual intimacy with other people for your own/shared pleasure?' (which is how it's actually defined by most sex favourables)

 

Enjoying sex, and not minding sex, are not the way the term is used by most sex favourables. I've met quite a few asexual people here who can enjoy the physical sensations without having any inherent desire for it ie they'd never actively seek it out and are happier without it (even victims of sexual assault sometimes orgasm during attacks which doesn't mean they actually desired the sex - not comparing sex with an ace to assault though, just using that example to illustrate the point)

 

So I have no idea what the damn poll is doing anymore, or why it seems to think I've answered questions that I haven't :P

 

 

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Guest
16 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

I'm confused. When I first responded there was only one question (that I could see) which I answered. Now there are more questions and it seems to think I've answered them already even though I didn't answer them :o

Crazy added two questions later on. The forum software doesn't like that... if you already answered the poll before, you're locked out of answering later additions.

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daveb

Well, it's not like it's a binding resolution or a poll for a scientific study. -_-

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, Mysticus Insanus said:

Crazy added two questions later on. The forum software doesn't like that... if you already answered the poll before, you're locked out of answering later additions.

Aaah thanks for explaining, I was so confused. I know I wasn't drinking the other day when I answered the poll, otherwise I would have just assumed I'd answered those other questions without knowing what I was doing :P heh

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
11 hours ago, Alejandrogynous said:

@GlamRocker It's nice to know I'm not the only one who has issues with the term sex repulsed. That's the label I technically fall under since I will not have sex and I'm not open to compromise (although, I'm open to being open about compromise if I met the right person, if that's not a confusing statement to put out there), so I'm "sex repulsed." I never liked using the term though, because to me, "repulsion" evokes a sort of violent aversion or disgust, which I don't have towards sex at all. I just don't personally like having it, so I won't. 

Doesn't that make you personally sex averse, as opposed to repulsed? As in, you're personally averse to the idea of having sex even though it doesn't necessarily completely repulse or disgust you, you just don't want to have it yourself/are averse to the idea of having it? I've seen a lot of people identifying as sex averse for those reasons. Whereas sex repulsed people literally are disgusted by the idea of having sex and find the idea of it literally revolting :o

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Nowhere Girl
22 hours ago, GlamRocker said:

Repulsed could use fleshing out, even. Personally repulsed being the person is repulsed by being PART of sex acts, but not repulsed from seeing or hearing about sexual content. Totally repulsed could be repulsed by BOTH.

The way I have first seen these terms used (and still use them), "personally repulsed" equals "sex-averse" and "totally repulsed" equals "sex-repulsed".

I don't like the assumption that "sex-averse" is some kind of mild dislike, of "would rather not". No, I am as terrified by the idea of personally having sex as a lot of sex-repulsed people. I cannot imagine being able to have sex in any possible circumstances. However, the difference is that I'm fine with sex as long as it doesn't involve myself. I'm not disgusted by sexual topics, I just don't want to ever, under any conditions, personally have sex.

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crazy ace

@Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Yeahhhh... sorry about that.¬†ūüėź

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Alejandrogynous
14 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Doesn't that make you personally sex averse, as opposed to repulsed? As in, you're personally averse to the idea of having sex even though it doesn't necessarily completely repulse or disgust you, you just don't want to have it yourself/are averse to the idea of having it? I've seen a lot of people identifying as sex averse for those reasons. Whereas sex repulsed people literally are disgusted by the idea of having sex and find the idea of it literally revolting :o

Ah, yes - I was too busy remembering how things used to be, I forgot that was a term nowadays. ūüėÖ I do prefer it, though I've seen confusion over what that really means too, like conflating it with sex negativity, which isn't great. "Adverse"¬†fits me better than "repulsed" though, you're right!

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Knight of Cydonia

I think I see four (general) attitudes towards sex (involving themselves):

 

Sex-favourable: willing to have sex with a partner, and can enjoy it.

Sex-indifferent/neutral: willing to have sex with a partner, but feels neutral towards it.

Sex-averse: willing to have a sex with a partner, but does not enjoy it (more than just being "meh" about it).

Sex-repulsed: unwilling to have sex with a partner.

 

... with the important commonality being that they will not seek out or intrinsically desire any sexual contact, and are happy without it.

 

Meanwhile, the meaning of sex-favourable seems to be becoming something like "seeks out sexual contact for personal enjoyment, but is still asexual because of a lack of attraction", which, in my opinion, should still be considered sexual, out at least in a grey area.

 

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CBC

I always thought sex-favourable meant someone had a generally positive attitude towards sex (no aversion/repulsion issues) and was possibly willing to have it for the sake of some sort of compromise with a non-ace partner. May find it physically pleasant even if they don't desire it. In my books, it doesn't mean they want it or seek it out. People who do that are uh, sexual. The whole "attraction" thing is nonsensical.

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