Jump to content

Sexual Attraction Without a Desire for Sex?


letusdeleteouraccounts

Recommended Posts

letusdeleteouraccounts

Can you experience "sexual attraction" without ever having the inclusion of sex in your desires? I feel like it's a weird topic because if even so, it might be more practical to identify as asexual since majority of people out there seem to find sex itself a necessary part of a relationship. I don't know, what are your thoughts

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere
Just now, Laurann said:

@Nowhere Girl 

 

Yup. That exists.

I was wondering whether to respond (because I'm a bit busy), but it seems that I'm already considered an expert on "attraction without desire" anyway. ;)

Yes, I consider it possible. At least I prefer describing what I sometimes experience as sexual attraction because it's definitely much more sexual than just esthetic attraction. It's even more than just thinking "Oh, that person is sexy" - it includes arousal, fantasies, but never a desire for sexual contact.

4 minutes ago, Laurann said:

There is the term 'akoisexual' to describe that, but it's not a popular term. 

There is also the term "lithsexual", but I don't particularly like those microlabels. I prefer identifying as just "effectively asexual". Last Saturday I've been to the get-together evening of Asfera, the Polish asexual association (as the component sfera - "sphere" - itself shows, they are very open to thinking of asexuality as a spectrum or umbrella term), and someone mentioned the term "lithsexual" when I was talking about what I feel, but I still prefer "effectively asexual" also because "akoisexual" or "lithsexual" is usually defined as "experiencing sexual attraction without a need to act on it". And for me it's much more than "not needing", my lack of desire is much more active - I'm not just "uninterested in having sex", I'm actively sex-averse and cannot desire something I find so terrifying as actual sexual contact.

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I was wondering whether to respond (because I'm a bit busy)

Oops, sorry! I didn't mean to bother you!

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere
18 minutes ago, Laurann said:

Oops, sorry! I didn't mean to bother you!

No, it's fine. Don't worry, I'm anyway happy to participate.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If there's nothing about it that makes it remotely sexual, I'm not sure why you would call it sexual attraction.  It's just *attraction* at that point, most likely aesthetic.

 

Honestly, *attraction* is pretty much the same thing no matter what kind it is.  Sexual attraction and romantic attraction are more or less the same thing in many cases, the only thing that differs is what we desire as a result of it.  (The primary effective difference in most cases is that people experiencing sexual attraction in a relationship will want sex, and people only experiencing romantic attraction in a relationship will not.  Most other aspects of the relationship will likely not be significantly different.)

 

It should be noted that the "desire" for something can exist, even if you know you would never actually act on it for countless other reasons.

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere
27 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

It should be noted that the "desire" for something can exist, even if you know you would never actually act on it for countless other reasons.

I know that I don't desire sex. Really, comparison with two other things - ski jumping and the psychedelic experience - lets me distinguish between two similar situations (or maybe even three, if whether one has been able to overcome one's fear is considered relevant - but it probably should).

So, these situations are:

1a. Desiring something and being scared of it at the same time, but being able to overcome the fear because desire provides enough motivation to do so (in my case: psychedelic experience).

1b. Desiring something and being scared of it at the same time, and never being able to overcome the fear (in my case: ski jumping).

2. Being too frightened of something to even desire it (in my case: sex).

I used the word "motivation" rather spontaneously, but after a moment of reconsideraton it seems to me even more poignant. Because that's it: in case of sex I don't even feel any motivation to overcome my fear. I really don't see anything to gain, or rather: an ability to have sex just doesn't seem desirable, worthwhile, valuable to me. I see no reason to desire it. Maybe it's only rationalisation and deep down I'm an extremely sex-averse allosexual person in which aversion is strong enough to completely choke desire, but my perception of sex as just not valuable enough would point towards a deeper asexual predisposition. Or, perhaps, I don't instictively value sex because I'm more critical of sex on a sociocultural level.

45 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

If there's nothing about it that makes it remotely sexual, I'm not sure why you would call it sexual attraction.  It's just *attraction* at that point, most likely aesthetic.

Yes, but what does make attraction "sexual" for you? Is desire a conditio sine qua non, or is, for example, arousal enough? To me it seems just very limiting to consider attraction to be sexual in its nature only if it's accompanied by a desire for sex. At least - it would leave us with a redundant term if sexual attraction could only be explained in terms of sexual desire...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sadly, lots of redundant or effectively meaningless terminology already does float around here.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I really don't see anything to gain, or rather: an ability to have sex just doesn't seem desirable, worthwhile, valuable to me. I see no reason to desire it. Maybe it's only rationalisation and deep down I'm an extremely sex-averse allosexual person in which aversion is strong enough to completely choke desire, but my perception of sex as just not valuable enough would point towards a deeper asexual predisposition. Or, perhaps, I don't instictively value sex because I'm more critical of sex on a sociocultural level.

I don't fear sex but I agree a lot with this paragraph. I see a lot more to lose than I could gain from experiencing it. Maybe I'm just such a risk-averse person that It just overrides any sexual desire I have. I'm definitely critical of sex, mostly because people do such stupid, stupid things due to it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Star Lion said:

Can you experience "sexual attraction" without ever having the inclusion of sex in your desires? I feel like it's a weird topic because if even so, it might be more practical to identify as asexual since majority of people out there seem to find sex itself a necessary part of a relationship. I don't know, what are your thoughts

 

I can't reply properly as I'm in a hurry, but yeah I have what could be *called* sexual attraction for women (I think about them when I masturbate, love the beauty of the female form especially breasts etc, draw erotic images of women (never drawn a man in an erotic way, lol) and if I'm watching porn it's only ever women I look for, can't stand porn with men in unless they're twinks - ie they look very feminine lol)..BUT I have no desire for sexual intimacy with women. I fall romantically for people with penises, and only desire sexual intimacy as a result of a romantic bond, and I like penises lol. Ergo I'm not a lesbian, and no woman would ever call me a lesbian, despite having what many would call 'sexual attraction' for women. PS I don't feel the same physical attraction for penis bearers (I don't care about their gender  identity but for some reason the penis is a very important component of my romantic attraction) ..But yeah.. I've never thought about a man when I masturbate and even when I've been with male partners who I actively desire online, I still kind of have to think about women (being banged) to be able to orgasm. 

 

So anyway what I'm getting at is that you can experience something that would be called 'sexual attraction' without actually desiring any form of sex..hence why the sexual attraction definition is so confusing for many people who come here. At the end of the day, what *matters* (when defining any sexual orientation) is whether or not you desire sex with people of this or that gender. How you *feel* about a certain gender isn't nearly as important as whether or not you want sex with them (or don't want sex with anyone)

 

Because again, if it was solely about 'feelings', I'd be a lesbian. But no lesbian would call me a lesbian, and people wouldn't really even concede me as 'bi' exactly if there's no interest in sex with women. I have HAD sex with women, and it's much easier than sex with men, but I also just have no desire for it. Meh. Whereas I do actively desire sex with people who have a penis (because yeah okay I like penises even if I don't want them inside me lol).

 

Hope that makes sense.  :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/23/2019 at 4:57 PM, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

 

I can't reply properly as I'm in a hurry, but yeah I have what could be *called* sexual attraction for women (I think about them when I masturbate, love the beauty of the female form especially breasts etc, draw erotic images of women (never drawn a man in an erotic way, lol) and if I'm watching porn it's only ever women I look for, can't stand porn with men in unless they're twinks - ie they look very feminine lol)..BUT I have no desire for sexual intimacy with women. I fall romantically for people with penises, and only desire sexual intimacy as a result of a romantic bond, and I like penises lol. Ergo I'm not a lesbian, and no woman would ever call me a lesbian, despite having what many would call 'sexual attraction' for women. PS I don't feel the same physical attraction for penis bearers (I don't care about their gender  identity but for some reason the penis is a very important component of my romantic attraction) ..But yeah.. I've never thought about a man when I masturbate and even when I've been with male partners who I actively desire online, I still kind of have to think about women (being banged) to be able to orgasm. 

 

So anyway what I'm getting at is that you can experience something that would be called 'sexual attraction' without actually desiring any form of sex..hence why the sexual attraction definition is so confusing for many people who come here. At the end of the day, what *matters* (when defining any sexual orientation) is whether or not you desire sex with people of this or that gender. How you *feel* about a certain gender isn't nearly as important as whether or not you want sex with them (or don't want sex with anyone)

 

Because again, if it was solely about 'feelings', I'd be a lesbian. But no lesbian would call me a lesbian, and people wouldn't really even concede me as 'bi' exactly if there's no interest in sex with women. I have HAD sex with women, and it's much easier than sex with men, but I also just have no desire for it. Meh. Whereas I do actively desire sex with people who have a penis (because yeah okay I like penises even if I don't want them inside me lol).

 

Hope that makes sense.  :)

Yeah. I always find it a funny thing when people go "I love (porn star) she is gorgeous and really turns me on ... but its not sexual attraction" ... like uhm. You're getting off to her body and other people you dont find attractive in the same situation wouldnt work, so...

 

But, it isnt the same as sexual attraction to a RL sex partner. But, I would still call it a form of sexual attraction. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, I think that's possible. It is one of the reasons why I stayed of off the forums for years (because at the time this is what I thought that sexual attraction is supposed to be) after creating my acc, but I was still lurking around, reading posts because I found the debates interesting but very frustrating to the point of tears. Why I did that? Well, I don't think that there are other places that discusses the topic of sexuality/sexual orientation/that kind of stuff in such an engaged and detailed way.

That actually helped me figure out that that there other, much older posts here that discuss (although, a bit more heated) the idea of finding someone sexually appealing without actually wanting to have sex with them. Some of you might even recognise your names there.

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/113214-does-being-aroused-at-the-sight-of-people-mean-im-sexually-attracted-to-them/

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/181703-is-it-sexual-attraction-if-aesthetic-attraction-leads-to-arousal-despite-a-mental-disconnect/?tab=comments#comment-1063232139

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/176446-can-asexual-male-get-erections-by-looking-at-girls/?tab=comments

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/120639-have-you-experienced-physical-attraction-without-sexual-attraction/

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/106048-how-can-an-ace-be-aroused-by-a-person/

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/93245-unwanted-arousal-in-the-presence-of-attractive-people-tmi/

 

In my case however, I would be more inclined to use the word "hot" as opposed of "sexy".

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am pretty sure feeling sexual attraction without the desire to act on it is a common occurence in gray-aces.

This is a common definition of gray-asexuality:

 

Quote

 

Gray-asexuals:

  • do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes
  • experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive
  • experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them
  • people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances

 

I feel the same as well. Up until recently, I classified myself as asexual without feeling any sexual attraction whatsoever, but then I met my current crush about whom I've had one sexual fantasy after the other. However, now that we're in a very close relationship with each other (queerplatonic would probably fit the best) and I could theoretically have sex with him, I am not really interested in actually doing it. In fact, I am kinda repulsed by the idea of actually having sex with him, so there's that. I classify that as gray-asexuality, and if we go by micro-labels, possibly akoisexual or aegosexual (I don't really care about micro-labels, so I could be wrong here).

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere
Quote

Gray-asexuals:

  • do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes
  • experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive
  • experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them
  • people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances

I always find such definitions problematic - because they seem to assume that such a person is necessarily sex-indifferent and just not motivated enough to have sex. For me it's much more than lack of motivation - even if I feel attracted to someone, the idea of actually having sex, of participating even in that whole "envelope" of sex (for example nudity) still feels terrifying. I don't simply "lack desire or motivation to have sex", I actively don't want to have sex ever.

Not everyone is sex-indifferent and the whole layout may be even more complicated in people who are effectively asexual precisely due to sex aversion...

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

On 10/30/2019 at 11:29 PM, HOOTS said:

Too vague, imo. I will agree with Ceddy in this case.

While do think that Autochorissexuality is a thing, it can be also used for sexual people that essentially use pornographic materials (more specifically, drawn porn that usually has fictional characters inside engaging in sexual activity) that doesn't fit with their own sexual orientation.

 

Also, from what I understand, we are talking about people IRL and not fictional characters which the wiki link seems to be aiming at. I think that someone made a post in a sub-forum here, a few days ago, that mentioned a similar sounding term that includes real people but their post wasn't about discussimg the term.

 

16 hours ago, Hui said:

I am pretty sure feeling sexual attraction without the desire to act on it is a common occurence in gray-aces.

This is a common definition of gray-asexuality:

 

I feel the same as well. Up until recently, I classified myself as asexual without feeling any sexual attraction whatsoever, but then I met my current crush about whom I've had one sexual fantasy after the other. However, now that we're in a very close relationship with each other (queerplatonic would probably fit the best) and I could theoretically have sex with him, I am not really interested in actually doing it. In fact, I am kinda repulsed by the idea of actually having sex with him, so there's that. I classify that as gray-asexuality, and if we go by micro-labels, possibly akoisexual or aegosexual (I don't really care about micro-labels, so I could be wrong here).

I don't think that fantasies should be counted as an actual desire.

There is a huge difference between fantasy and actually acting on a desire of sorts in reality.

People can have a fantasy about all kind of stuff, including killing people but if you were to ask them if they would like to act on their fantasy, they are most likely to say "No, I wouldn't".

I'm technically opening a can of worms here but that's irreverent to the topic.

 

Also, the description of Gray-A, that has been provided here seems to be confusing libido/sex-drive with the sexual desire for sex but that's probably just me.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, HikaruBG said:

 

 

I don't think that fantasies should be counted as an actual desire.

There is a huge difference between fantasy and actually acting on a desire of sorts in reality.

People can have a fantasy about all kind of stuff, including killing people but if you were to ask them if they would like to act on their fantasy, they are most likely to say "No, I wouldn't".

I'm technically opening a can of worms here but that's irreverent to the topic.

 

 

 

Depends on the why they wouldn't act imo. I can deeply desire ice cream, but know it would make me sick so logic overrides my desires, but I still really, really want that ice cream. Just can be adult enough to know giving myself what I want is a bad idea. People have a lot of reasons for not acting on a desire. Then, some fantasies never reach desire point, they are just a fun fantasy to think of. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
32 minutes ago, Serran said:

Depends on the why they wouldn't act imo. I can deeply desire ice cream, but know it would make me sick so logic overrides my desires, but I still really, really want that ice cream. Just can be adult enough to know giving myself what I want is a bad idea. People have a lot of reasons for not acting on a desire. Then, some fantasies never reach desire point, they are just a fun fantasy to think of. 

Like I said, talking about it means opening a can of worms and this topic would need a thread on it's own... because, for example, a lot of people (from the older generations, especially) use this kind of mentality to attack different  entertainment medias, like video games claiming that the children who play violent video games will become murders.

 

 

Sometimes, you yourself need to draw the line between fantasy and reality.

 

 

If you do have a desire to do something IRL but try supress it because you acknowledge it to be a bad thing, then that's something completely different from what I'm talking about... Where there is no actual desire.

People who have rape fantasies don't actually want to be raped IRL, you know? It's just that... a fantasy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...