[Demisexuals and/or Demiromantics] Can you predict your attractions?

[Fraggle Underdark]

I'm demisexual and I think I can probably predict whether a close bond with someone would cause sexual attraction to develop, although I don't have enough experience to be confident in that. I'm curious about other demis' thoughts on this question.

 

Hopefully obvious but I'm not saying anyone is more or less demisexual or demiromantic based on their answers. I'm just looking for more information on what it's like to be demi for other people.

 

ETA: I would specifically say that I can confidently predict that I will not be attracted to some people even if there is a close bond. Since I'm heterosexual that obviously includes male people but there are also female people who I knew weren't the sort of person I wanted to date and just weren't my aesthetic taste (e.g. I prefer female people who are more masculine than feminine). But there are some people I think I'd develop sexual attraction for that I haven't developed a close enough bond with to check. So I went with "Not sure, but probably most of the time" but feel free to answer however you like.

[nineGardens]

I like this question, but I feel like almost by definition, its hard to check/validate due to each person having a rather low number of examples to compare to.

 

Like... I have one or maybe three people where any of this is applicable. Which isn't a great number for determining "How good are you at predicting a thing"

 

 

[Fraggle Underdark]

Yeah I have one and went with the "Not sure, but probably most of the time" option. "Not sure" because my sample size is so small.

[Eutierria]

It completely depends on the person I have the emotional bond with.

 

I don't know how I seem to be able to do this but if I develop a strong emotional bond with someone & know/find out that they have a significant other, I'm incapable of feeling attraction towards them. 

 

I'm incapable of predicting who I may end up being attracted to - it really depends on the person & the interaction(s) we have or through conversations we have. 

[Fraggle Underdark]

6 minutes ago, Eutierria said:

I don't know how I seem to be able to do this but if I develop a strong emotional bond with someone & know/find out that they have a significant other, I'm incapable of feeling attraction towards them. 

Yes this! This isn't the only thing I was asking about with my question but I was curious if anyone else got this. It's like that part of my brain turns off if they're not single.

 

It caused some problems because I assumed other people were like this and didn't feel attraction for others if they themselves were in a relationship. So I didn't hold back on emotional intimacy with some friends because "it's not like either of us is going to be attracted". And then when some began to be attracted I couldn't say "I have zero interest in being part of an affair, who would?" because... well... they were, a little. Which really disappointed me but I couldn't say that either.

 

Actually there was an exception to this a bit ago, a coworker in a LTR. It surprised me to feel that. I still had no interest in an affair and I knew they wouldn't either which is part of what attracted me to them. I wasn't close enough to feel sexual attraction but I had romantic attraction. But it was always just a pleasant bonus and I never told them. I just enjoyed their casual wisdom and kind personality and knew it wouldn't go anywhere. I wonder if I would have felt romantic attraction if I wasn't at peace with just enjoying the butterflies.

[Eutierria]

15 minutes ago, fragglerock said:

It surprised me to feel that. I still had no interest in an affair

I suspect that's the part of not being able to predict who you end up being attracted to. 

 

I wonder- people who end up in affairs might be better suited to polyamorous relationships. 

 

 

[Fraggle Underdark]

8 minutes ago, Eutierria said:

I suspect that's the part of not being able to predict who you end up being attracted to. 

 

I wonder- people who end up in affairs might be better suited to polyamorous relationships. 

In my case I'm not demiromantic so it wasn't so much "huh I got to know them and now I'm attracted" it was looking back and thinking "weird, that's maybe the only time I've had romantic feelings for someone in a relationship". If they hadn't been in a relationship then it wouldn't have surprised me much.

 

I don't really understand affairs. I'm very open-minded about unconventional relationships. Poly, swingers, whatever. Not really my thing but why would I mind if others do it? But cheating is promising somebody you won't do a thing and then doing it. Either don't make the promise or don't do it.

[Eutierria]

1 hour ago, fragglerock said:

cheating is promising somebody you won't do a thing and then doing it. Either don't make the promise or don't do it.

Preaching to the choir - just FYI 😂 

[Fraggle Underdark]

4 minutes ago, Eutierria said:

Preaching to the choir - just FYI 😂 

Yeah I figured It's not like no one here has sexually cheated (statistically speaking) and there are non-sexual ways to cheat. But it's nice to have a place where I can be baldly anti-cheating without worrying as much about making a listener feel bad for a past mistake.

 

Realizing I'm in the ace umbrella has made me more sympathetic to those who find it hard not to cheat. I still would break up with anyone who did it but I realized it's not as simple for most people as saying "just...don't do that?"

[kiaroskuro]

The question is, if I were able to predict it - what I would do with this hunch? I have a feeling that overthinking it would make the relationship unnecessarily complicated and cause emotional chaos, so I try not to give it much thought.

[Skycaptain]

Not demisexual, so Q1 is n/a

 

Q2, romantic attraction has happened to me once, and I've known that person for a few years before I started experiencing attraction 

[Chihiro]

I think close bond can never guarantee sexual or romantic attraction. Why else some people are just friends or family despite being close? And only some become crushes or lovers? I didn't respond since the question made no sense to me.

[Abigail Rose]

I would ask this of all responders. What would you see as a benefit from this prediction were you to have it accurately. It is obviously hard enough to feel something others want us to feel before we are do. This almost creates a new tension. If we overthink our possible feelings about something that has not happened, then are we true to ourselves? Is the moment we think we would want the real deal? I would prefer to reflect upon my instincts as they come at this point in my life. I have gone against them and really hurt myself in the past. I would warn heavily against predicting the unknown. It is a valid approach. I do not mean to be critical. Just observant of how we can delude ourselves in thoughts that control us. Live4now. 

[Fraggle Underdark]

On 10/25/2019 at 4:16 PM, kiaroskuro said:

The question is, if I were able to predict it - what I would do with this hunch? I have a feeling that overthinking it would make the relationship unnecessarily complicated and cause emotional chaos, so I try not to give it much thought.

3 minutes ago, Silence4now said:

I would ask this of all responders. What would you see as a benefit from this prediction were you to have it accurately. It is obviously hard enough to feel something others want us to feel before we are do. This almost creates a new tension. If we overthink our possible feelings about something that has not happened, then are we true to ourselves? Is the moment we think we would want the real deal? I would prefer to reflect upon my instincts as they come at this point in my life. I have gone against them and really hurt myself in the past. I would warn heavily against predicting the unknown. It is a valid approach. I do not mean to be critical. Just observant of how we can delude ourselves in thoughts that control us. Live4now. 

Being able to predict attraction could be useful in avoiding wasted time and hurt feelings. Suppose you're demisexual and someone has many qualities you look for in a partner but you're pretty sure you wouldn't feel attraction. If it's important to either of you that you eventually feel attraction then you can avoid putting a lot of time into a relationship that isn't going to work out, or know from the start that it will work only as friendship.

[iff]

@fragglesinthedark

 

 

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