To those who are in mixed relationships, How did you reach compromise

[ccandoit]

Now I'm a young pansexual fella who is in a relationship with a beautiful Asian bisexual. An although we are very happy with each other, she has been ace for quite some time. However when she started dating me, she started to experiment with sex to see if she'd feel any desire from it. Recently though her feelings came back up. And now we are in an awkward situation.

 

I assume she's kind of in the gray area where she isn't really all about sex but she isn't apposed to it. She doesn't care too much about it but she does do it when she feels up to it. She doesn't want complete celibacy, and I won't have an open relationship because she's the only woman for me.

 

I myself don't view sex as a major necessity, I'm a personal believer in the sex is like pizza bit. But when I do it with her. I'm satisfied that I'm able to help her explore this side, yet she doesn't necessarily want to do anything to me sexually, and it kind of makes me afraid that when I ask her to, I'm asking too much.

 

I feel like I'm guilt tripping her and it makes me very sad. I'm more than willing to work with her and make sex enjoyable, but I also feel like if I don't acknowledge my needs in the moment as well it will make both of us unhappy.  I want to be a good boyfriend and let her know her feelings are valid but being that I do have sexual needs, it makes it very confusing.

 

Now that brings me to my question, How did you guys reach a point in a mixed relationship where you were able to compromise. What are your boundaries, and how were you able to work with each other. I feel like if I can know how other people went about doing so, it'll help me with my approach. I love this girl more than anything on this earth. She's awesome, and stands by how she feels. And I want to be able to work with her in order for our relationship to be healthy. Or at least a little bit more healthy than it already is.

 

TLDR: I'm in a confused spot with my girlfriend who is ace and I want to know how others compromised with their partners.

[Traveler40]

Welcome - there are various threads that address that which you ask. Have a look around this subforum for more in depth input. Happy reading, and I’m glad you’re here trying to figure it out.

 

Edit: Here’s a ridiculously recent one as an example:  https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/189712-how-do-you-compromise-in-a-mixed-relationship/

 

[RavenQueen]

2 hours ago, ccandoit said:

I myself don't view sex as a major necessity, I'm a personal believer in the sex is like pizza bit. But when I do it with her. I'm satisfied that I'm able to help her explore this side, yet she doesn't necessarily want to do anything to me sexually, and it kind of makes me afraid that when I ask her to, I'm asking too much.

You are wonderful to consider her feeling with this caring, I wish my EXs would have cared like this.

I wish you both a very happy relationship. 

[henshin]

Well, if sex isn't a necessity for you then don't suggest it. If she approaches you requesting sexual activity then go for it but just leave things for now. 

[MrDane]

“The point” is often reached, when I ,the sexual, break down and cries like a littlegirl, who is neglected, forgotten and ill-treated. (...which i am not!).    But we are not good at talking about those issues on a ‘daily basis’. She is very uncomfortable and that makes me avoid it too. 

 

Again, avoid the word compromise. Seek a solution, an agreement, a schedule an find out what both part need and if there is a possibility for a way to reach a nice routine. 

 

If you dont speak ‘sex’ as part of a love language, then you need to find other ways to make sure the points comes across anyway.

 

 

 

[Guest]

OP you mean you feel guilty asking for her to do you after experimenting with her and you doing her sexually pleasing activities? Have you talked to her to see if she minds ? She may not seem that into it, but actually be fine. Or she may not want to.  But without open communication you won't know. And that is how compromise gets found... open, honest communication. 

[AnneBonny159]

Have you spoken about whether she is okay with you asking for sex, or if it makes her uncomfortable? There was a long time where I wouldn't mind my partner asking, as long as he understood that sometimes I was just going to say no, and that had to be a valid option for me to say without feeling like he was judging me. A lot of the time even though I didn't specifically *desire* it, I would still be up for it if he wanted to. (This has got a bit more complicated because I've swung more to sex-repulsed rather than indifferent, but for a long time it worked well.)

The problem comes if she feels uncomfortable or guilty if you ask if she wants/is willing to have sex. But you sound like you have handled this amazingly so far and are being extremely respectful of her feelings, which is great. My only advice would be to keep open and honest communication and figure out your boundaries together.