Help. Have past incidents changed my orientation?

[markey]

Well first off, hello, and I'm extremely sorry if this is a bit long winded. I'll do a little TLDR at the end. Thank you in advance for anyone who does help me out 😀

This post does contain some mentions of domestic violence, so if that triggers you in anyway, please don't read!

So I don't repeat stuff, M = Mother, F = Father.

 

So I'll start off with the basics, I'm 15 (almost 16) guy and I'm into girls, and have been in a few relationships where I definitely have felt a strong attraction and love for another person. Including desire. However after past incidents, stuff has changed. I'll try to keep this short. 

 

I'll start off in around September/October period last year. I had got into a very nice relationship, one where I fully felt love and attraction, and that 'crushing' I'm sure you all know about. That lasted for a month or so. This is where the complications begin. My mother was abusive towards my dad (not heavily at that point), which did leave an effect on me. I ended becoming quite depressed, the relationship and unfortunately I tried to take my life, however thankfully I'm still here. 

 

Lets now fast forward to around February. I got into another relationship (with a feel of strong attraction and 'crushing') and this lasted until June ish. I was beginning to recover with my MH complications. This was pretty solid until the domestic violence got significantly worse. This was causing the 'stemming' problems without me realising for my MH stuff.

The abuse was very bad for around June>July (estimated). To go over the basics, I've seen M attacking F in many ways. I've seen her bite, verbally abuse (a lot of that), fight, slap, throw objects at F, and a constant threatening of M going to commit suicide (in a controlling manner). I've heard worse, and even had objects such as knives thrown at me. M has even had a kitchen knife and chased F with it. It peaked to the point the police were involved. She was arrested once and let off with a caution (via 101 reporting/station). One night though after school it was extremely bad and the arguing had gone on for a few hours. Eventually it escalated to the point M assaulted F in front of me. I ended up having to hide in my room while calling 999, which resulted in 3 police cars turning up at the middle of the night, and M being arrested. I'll cut the detailed parts. 

 

Forward a bit more, orders put in place. M is not in the same house now, F is very caring and supportive of me and my sister. In the process of a divorce. Sister however has identical traits to M and is still very fiery. 

 

Now this is where I feel as if I'm different after this 'trauma' you could say (would it be classed as that?). I have had a few girls, all that I find very pretty and attractive, try to get with me, but I feel zero romantic feelings back. Even those I've 'crushed' on in the past. Its more so that I just want to be friends with them and others. I don't find the attractiveness of a relationship, and it looks more like a chore - and again, I feel more wanting to be friends with everyone, rather than setting out to 'get with' girls. Another complication. People say I act as if I'm gay (yes, I know thats not right to say), however one thing I do know is that I am not attracted to guys in one bit. I find the thought of that quite repulsive (no offence to those that are gay - I fully support that!). I don't intend to act different either, I just act different automatically and in ways that mask my past memories/'trauma'. (Added this on, but I'm fully recovered from my MH problems at this point)

 

So, can anyone please be a hero and offer me some knowledge and advice as to whats going on? Its honestly really overwhelming, and makes me feel like a bit of a sore thumb that sticks out. I cannot express how thankful I would be for a proper explanation.

 

 

 

TLDR - Has witnessing domestic abuse, both physical, verbal, and controlling, affected how my mind is attracted to others and restricted it?

[GlamRocker]

50 minutes ago, markey said:

TLDR - Has witnessing domestic abuse, both physical, verbal, and controlling, affected how my mind is attracted to others and restricted it?

It TOTALLY could have.

 

First of all, I'd like to say, congrats on being a survivor. That situation should be over for your family forever.

 

Secondly, I wouldn't worry about whether or not you're damaged. Whatever YOU want in life, whatever YOU decide is right for yourself, you will be able to do. And you will be able to figure these things out. The quickest way to it is just letting yourself feel whatever it is you ACTUALLY DO... give yourself the room to listen to yourself. Respect your feelings, whether or not the rest of the world gets any of it.

[markey]

@GlamRocker Thank you very much for your support and understanding. Its just very difficult trying to get my head around it - in such as it physically feels almost repulsive to think about getting into a relationship with someone, and that does mess around with my thoughts. 

[GlamRocker]

@markey It be like that sometimes. ❤️

[Marlow1]

@markey

 

Here in the UK things are changing, family life is becoming increasingly difficult, especially for younger folk. Women are under a lot of stress, having to work, care for family, and such, some are sadly becoming aggressive. There is a lot of homelessness and suicide amongst the men. Younger guys are telling me they are afraid to have relationships because they are witnessing so much dysfunction

 

This article outlines some of the reasons why younger folk are struggling with dating and so forth

 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/f98ed501-d075-4b3a-abca-7e46bd8904cf

 

Clearly not all these folk can be asexual and so at least in some cases the environment they are living in is influencing what is going on for them. At the same time though it is important to remember that not everybody is like this, it can seem like everybody is, when we are in these situations, but this is not true

 

I am 64 years old. I never experienced attraction when I was young, but the reasons why this was so, for me, was very different to what you are describing and also to what the article I have posted here is saying. My pasts posts go into more detail

 

Nonetheless, though, seeing as you have experienced attraction in the past there's a good chance you will again. I personally have found old fashion dating very helpful and this Nutritional protocol below has helped me restore my ability to become attracted and sexual function. 

 

https://www.marksdailyapple.com/a-guide-to-maintaining-a-healthy-sex-drive/

 

Therapy has also helped