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Apparently I picked the right week to start asking questions?


Kav

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Asexuality Awareness Week, huh? Good timing.

 

So... hi, everyone. Like most folks coming here, I imagine, I don't really know for sure if I'm ace or just messed up. What I've been reading, though, is eye-opening. I had no idea.

 

I'm in my mid-30's, I'm cis male, and I'm a virgin. No one without a medical license has seen me naked since I could walk. I've never had a strong desire to have sex, but I do have a libido and at least an aesthetic attraction towards women. I've never been in a serious relationship--hell, I've hardly dated. Sounds pretty straightforwardly ace, yeah? But I also had major back surgery at age 13, fusing my whole spine together with metal rods to correct for scoliosis. It really limits my flexibility, considering I can only bend at the neck and the waist, and I've always had this anxiety that my lack of ability to, y'know, move would... negatively affect my ability to adequately please a partner. On top of that, I'm a heavyset dude. And while I've never particularly tried to lose my V-card, the fact that I'm still carrying it does generate some level of background shame and anxiety. (Every day I get closer to being The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and it terrifies me.) So there's this whole storm of low self-esteem and body image issues mixed in, and I'm not 100% sure if I've avoided sex because I'm genuinely not interested or because I don't want to inflict myself on some poor woman who'd be kind enough to accept me.

 

But writing it all down... and maybe it's the fact that it's 3:30 AM and I can't get back to sleep... but it seems pretty obvious, right? That all the anxiety and shame I've built up is just muddying the water? I just never really talked to anyone about this. Compared notes, either with sexual or asexual people. Always seemed like kind of a taboo subject. I thought I was just a weird INFP guy who wasn't fitting in well in a world of SJs and SPs.

 

(And maybe figuring this out will make me less reliant on pop psychology labels to try and understand myself and the world.)

 

Anyway. Hi again, everyone.

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To be fair, it's what suits YOU, society seems to think that we should all be partnered up, have a house, steady job, kids, things etc, but not all of us have the same desires in life, I'm in my 50's, I tried sex when I was 19, trust me, if you don't like it, you'll never like it, I tried relationships, they didn't work out for me, all cheated on me, and now, I'm on the heavy side, I've never been a looker, impotence set in many years ago and, well, I've been single for best part of 30 years now and I'm more than happy with the way my life has panned out, I don't miss not being in a relationship, I'm glad I can't have sex again, even though it sounds selfish, I can do what I like, when I like, however I like, I don't have to answer to anyone, if you like that kind of life and it suits you, why upset your lifestyle, whatever others think is up to them, the ones that care about you the most will stand by you no matter what, as for everyone else?  let them judge you, whilst they're doing that, they're leaving some other poor bugger alone, if you're happy, you won't worry about them anyway.

 

As for being the 40 year old virgin, hey, I wish I was the 50 whatever year old virgin, I tried sex, I hated sex, I wish I never tried it, seriously, if you don't want to try it, not everything in life revolves around sex, I tried it due to peer pressure, back then I wasn't overweight, but I was, and still am unpleasant to look at, I was about the right weight back then, but I had nothing going for me then, that's not me lacking in confidence, but I wasn't well endowed, unfit, smoked too much, drank too much, worked long hours, looked far older than I was, never a follower of fashion, drove an unfashionable uncool car, I think the only reason I ever had sex was because I was pushed by my peers and the women thought I was desperate and it was an ego boost for them as they were cheating on their partners anyway.

 

My advice is to do with your life what suits you best

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I can totally understand the insecurity causing doubts. I lived through that myself as I came to identify as asexual in my early 30s. I blamed the sex I was not having on the things I believed were not sexually attractive, like my weight and other physical features. But when I started to build up my self-esteem, and came across situations where people were genuinely attracted to me, I really had to rethink things. I didn't have that excuse anymore. I had made it that far in life without my lack of sex bothering me for any intrinsic reasons, only what I assumed would make me a more interesting person. Now I don't worry about that anymore. I hope you can build up the confidence to get you to that point as well. It's community policy that we can't give you definitive answers on whether you are or aren't asexual, but I hope reading and engaging in discussions here helps you reach the conclusions you need to lift that doubt. :cake:

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I have a friend from high school with rods attached to her spine and is heavier-set with scar tissue and genetic bulk, and she's in a very happy relationship that's good for her, so that shouldn't be much of a concern for you if you're looking for a relationship. If you're not looking for a relationship, that's perfectly okay. Being in a relationship isn't the best thing for everyone.

 

It sounds like you still have some thinking, introspection, and accepting to do, so it would be good to make sure your head's clear enough to decide before you slap labels on yourself.

 

Also, ENFP here. Like you, but with more extroversion.

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Yeah, people always come here wanting a diagnosis.  Will I be this way forever, or can I change?  The more important question is why do you want to change?  What do you want to do RIGHT NOW and why?  Why are you terrified of becoming the 40-year old virgin?  Because he's a joke to society?  Don't have sex to avoid embarrassment - that's a guaranteed way to hate it.  The take-away I got from The 40-Year Old Virgin?  Don't hide how you feel - let friends know.  The people who care and are worthy will understand, be patient, and not push you.  More than wanting sex, they want to feel close to you.  And the more anxiety you build up and try to push through, the more you sabotage yourself.

 

The bigger issue than whether you're asexual or not is how you feel about yourself.  Work on your anxiety and shame issues, and the whole question on whether you fit a label will matter less.  I'm sorry you feel this way.  I'm INFJ so I can totally relate to those feelings of being misunderstood, ostracized, and super sensitive.  For me, I made little progress sitting at home and worrying.  I had to DO something about it: talk to friends about my feelings, talk to a counselor, journal, learn about and practice mindfulness and assertive communication, seek out different perspectives.  I have no patience nowadays for "advice" that is all what not to do: don't be so sensitive, don't take it personally, stop thinking that way, stop being late.  It doesn't tell you what to do instead.  Overly generalized advice on what to do is also pretty useless: be more assertive, have a better attitude, just state your feelings, just stand there, get in touch with your body.  I look for detailed, step-by-step instructions for how to build a new skill.  Like this guide to assertive communication.  Not all detailed advice is helpful or correct.  Gather many and try to synthesize them into something that works for you.  I really had to try hard to not self-isolate: I learned tips I didn't even know I needed by sharing my journey with others.

 

As an added bonus, people are super attracted to self-confidence.  I also discovered I had a bit of a sexual side when I learned how to stand up for myself and set up barriers, and be completely okay with NOT being sexual.  Sometimes it can help to take on a label if it gives you self-confidence, if it aligns with how you feel right now and you want to embrace that, and later you discover that label doesn't fit you anymore or is too restrictive.  If it helps you, do it!  It doesn't mean you've figured yourself out, it means you're on the journey to figuring yourself out.

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58 minutes ago, Snao van der Cone said:

I had made it that far in life without my lack of sex bothering me for any intrinsic reasons, only what I assumed would make me a more interesting person. :cake:

That's a good way to put it. It's an experience I'm supposed to have, that's supposed to be fundamental to the human experience, and supposed to be important in order to relate to other people, especially other men. Just never seemed all that important to me. So I kept putting it off; oh, I'll start seriously trying to date once I finish college; oh, I'll start once I land a decent job; oh, I'll start once I'm doing this or that. But secretly, I was always just content with my status quo.

 

37 minutes ago, Duketor Memphenstein said:

I have a friend from high school with rods attached to her spine and is heavier-set with scar tissue and genetic bulk, and she's in a very happy relationship that's good for her, so that shouldn't be much of a concern for you if you're looking for a relationship. If you're not looking for a relationship, that's perfectly okay. Being in a relationship isn't the best thing for everyone.

Well, the body image issue with me isn't the scars or even the weight as much as the mobility limitations. Like, I know from life experience osmosis that the first time is always awkward and clumsy, and with my back, it'd be even more so, and with my age even more so. And the thought of forcing someone I cared about to deal with that just fills me with anxiety.

 

37 minutes ago, Duketor Memphenstein said:

It sounds like you still have some thinking, introspection, and accepting to do, so it would be good to make sure your head's clear enough to decide before you slap labels on yourself.

Definitely, yeah. I've been actively exploring this possibility for less than a day.

 

37 minutes ago, Duketor Memphenstein said:

Also, ENFP here. Like you, but with more extroversion.

Go Team Disorganized Idealists!

 

6 minutes ago, Memento1 said:

Yeah, people always come here wanting a diagnosis.  Will I be this way forever, or can I change?  The more important question is why do you want to change?  What do you want to do RIGHT NOW and why?  Why are you terrified of becoming the 40-year old virgin?  Because he's a joke to society?  Don't have sex to avoid embarrassment - that's a guaranteed way to hate it.  The take-away I got from The 40-Year Old Virgin?  Don't hide how you feel - let friends know.  The people who care and are worthy will understand, be patient, and not push you.  More than wanting sex, they want to feel close to you.  And the more anxiety you build up and try to push through, the more you sabotage yourself.

Partially it's the "joke to society" thing, partially it's a fear of coming across as weird and off-putting for not having had that shared experience. The scene where he describes breasts as bags of sand and everyone just looks at him like he's insane really stuck with me. Like, what fundamental parts of the human experience am I so in the dark about that I don't even know I'm in the dark about them?

 

6 minutes ago, Memento1 said:

 

The bigger issue than whether you're asexual or not is how you feel about yourself.  Work on your anxiety and shame issues, and the whole question on whether you fit a label will matter less.  I'm sorry you feel this way.  I'm INFJ so I can totally relate to those feelings of being misunderstood, ostracized, and super sensitive.  For me, I made little progress sitting at home and worrying.  I had to DO something about it: talk to friends about my feelings, talk to a counselor, journal, learn about and practice mindfulness and assertive communication, seek out different perspectives.  I have no patience nowadays for "advice" that is all what not to do: don't be so sensitive, don't take it personally, stop thinking that way, stop being late.  It doesn't tell you what to do instead.  Overly generalized advice on what to do is also pretty useless: be more assertive, have a better attitude, just state your feelings, just stand there, get in touch with your body.  I look for detailed, step-by-step instructions for how to build a new skill.  Like this guide to assertive communication.  Not all detailed advice is helpful or correct.  Gather many and try to synthesize them into something that works for you.  I really had to try hard to not self-isolate: I learned tips I didn't even know I needed by sharing my journey with others.

Dang it, I was hoping strangers on the internet could solve all of my issues for me!

 

Joking (I hope that was obvious), but I'll take that under advisement, particularly the assertive communication stuff. I'm definitely a bit of a pushover. And on being less of a weird internet hermit. This is actually the first time I've ever reached out to an online group like this.

 

6 minutes ago, Memento1 said:

 

As an added bonus, people are super attracted to self-confidence.  I also discovered I had a bit of a sexual side when I learned how to stand up for myself and set up barriers, and be completely okay with NOT being sexual.  Sometimes it can help to take on a label if it gives you self-confidence, if it aligns with how you feel right now and you want to embrace that, and later you discover that label doesn't fit you anymore or is too restrictive.  If it helps you, do it!  It doesn't mean you've figured yourself out, it means you're on the journey to figuring yourself out.

If nothing else, adopting the label might stop my friends from trying to hook me up with any single women who enter their social orbits.

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7 minutes ago, Kav said:

Dang it, I was hoping strangers on the internet could solve all of my issues for me!

 

Joking (I hope that was obvious), but I'll take that under advisement, particularly the assertive communication stuff. I'm definitely a bit of a pushover. And on being less of a weird internet hermit. This is actually the first time I've ever reached out to an online group like this.

LOL, sorry, I realize I did come off a little condescending.  I should have said you're already DOING many of those things by coming here, researching, sharing your story, and actively soliciting different viewpoints.

 

I guess I'm just relating it to my own experiences.  I spent too much of my life thinking and worrying about everyone else's feelings over my own.  I want to please them, make them happy, not make them feel awkward, go to that party I hate because it will make them happy, have sex because they want it, not have sex because I won't be what they want, cheer them up when they're upset, act like I understand so they can feel understood, make myself super uncomfortable to avoid inconveniencing them in the slightest.  When I fought back against all of that, I swung a bit too far in the opposite direction: screw their feelings, I don't care if they're upset, I will do the opposite of whatever they want.  I think I'm finally coming to a place of balance that is MUCH healthier: I can hear their feelings, value my own feelings equally, and either do a fair cost-benefit analysis or talk openly about possible solutions.  That's what assertive communication is about, and that's been the single most important lesson of my life that trickled down to all the other issues, including sexuality.

 

It's entirely possibly that is not your situation and I'm just projecting.  Many things you said resonated with me and how I used to think, so my own journey felt relevant.  Feel free to disregard any or all of it if it's not. ;)

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10 minutes ago, Memento1 said:

LOL, sorry, I realize I did come off a little condescending.  I should have said you're already DOING many of those things by coming here, researching, sharing your story, and actively soliciting different viewpoints.

...

It's entirely possibly that is not your situation and I'm just projecting.  Many things you said resonated with me and how I used to think, so my own journey felt relevant.  Feel free to disregard any or all of it if it's not. ;)

No worries, friend. I can relate, minus the "actually having sex" part. I've had so many friends try and set me up on dates, and the only reason I ever went was because I felt obligated. (And I guess I never felt obligated to do more than that because, well, guy. Yay societal double-standards.) I'm supposed to want a relationship, even a short-term one. For the sex. For the normalcy. My friends are just trying to help me get there. A big part of that was a lack of education about asexuality. I thought it meant zero libido. I thought aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction were the same thing. I'm learning a lot quickly. I've still got more to learn and more introspection to do, but I think I'm finding some inner truth here. I'm pretty sure I'm going to land at at least gray-A, if not full-fledged ace.

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Fraggle Underdark

I've had sexual attraction for one person but that was about a decade ago and I definitely share that experience of knowing that I'm "supposed to want sex". That if I'm talking to someone and think they're cute and interesting then I'm supposed to want to have sex with them, and if I don't then I must have a mental block or be repressed. Finding out about demisexuality and asexuality and this community has been great for making me more comfortable with thinking "to hell with it, I'm really just not interested in sex now, there's nothing wrong with that and if friends have a problem with it that's their problem". 

 

Amazingly, no one has delivered welcome cake yet, per tradition! I think people were distracted by your thoughtful questions, but still. Here's an edible frog cake

271ffbf5653346f679778383a1ebd909.jpg

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10 minutes ago, fragglerock said:

Amazingly, no one has delivered welcome cake yet, per tradition! I think people were distracted by your thoughtful questions, but still. Here's an edible frog cake

Are those Kit-Kat bars around the cake? Holy crap. That looks amazing. Also, appreciate the frog synergy we've got going on.

 

Thank you for the welcome!

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Dang, fragglerock, that cake looks amazing (also, OMG, I loved Fraggle Rock back in the day, and no one ever remembers it).  The kit-kat bucket is the best!

 

Also I don't know if I've ever seen a better way of putting it: " I'm really just not interested in sex now, there's nothing wrong with that."  If only I could have understood that decades ago!

 

33 minutes ago, Kav said:

I thought it meant zero libido. I thought aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction were the same thing.

Oh, absolutely!  I would say conflating libido with sexual desire and romantic attraction with sexual attraction are the two biggest misconceptions about asexuality.  I brushed off learning about asexuality for a long time because I thought it meant not wanting a relationship, and I deeply desired romance, just not sex.

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Welcome! Yeah it can be hard to work around all of the social stigma and to just be yourself, but once you manage to decrease their influence over your life you can be so much happier. Think long and hard about what you actually want, rather than what society tells you that you should want. Sure the white picket fenced house sounds nice, but is it really for you? White paint is a hassle to maintain after all. :P 

Tree-Frog-Frangipani-cake.jpg

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A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Cakey Dreams and Nerdy Wishes" cake (all edible),

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/207090-cakey-dreams-and-nerdy-wishes

bwfo1k2czwhy3iy9391l.jpg

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