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sunrayZY

I don't know who or what I am anymore

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sunrayZY

Sorry about this post, just wanted a rant. Just been doing a bit of thinking of late.  I'm mid 30s male from Scotland. 

 

In school I would finish typing some thing fairly quickly, put my hand up to say I was finished like we had been asked, and the bullies would yell "shut up" so I would deliberately take longer to do things to try fit in. My parents had breakdowns after periods of mental illness and we struggled to get on as a unit for a while. I fantasised about girls, then, when I was around 14/15 it seemed to change to men.  These days I identify as gay.  I didn't come out until 25 and while it's fine now, it wasn't the best experience at the time. I just took a guy home and dad wasn't happy. After about 12 I began to shut down and compress into myself, and I still do a little bit. 

 

I think I developed a porn addiction, it started off normal but I use it as an escape of the real world these days. I find sex with other people difficult. Sometimes it's been amazing, but, I struggle to get hard, I get bored.  The best connections I have with people is when I've been using ecstasy.  I recently dated someone for a few weeks but I got the whole "not feeling a spark text" after 3 weeks. I was gutted, because he was a really lovely guy. Its become cliche now. Either I mess them about or they mess me about.  

 

I think I've been so many different people, I don't know who I am.  Work Kevin, drunk Kevin, romantic Kevin, high Kevin, family Kevin, not wanting to rock the boat Kevin.  

 

Some of my friends who I haven't had the best sexual experiences with said I could be asexual.  I researched this a little.  I still masterbate at least 3/4 times a week occasionally more. I still love being cuddled up with a guy and being intimate. I just don't want him to touch me down below or take hours with the sex.  I'm still getting my head around it all.  What's your experiences? 

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sunrayZY

I also have a question. It's possible to be bi sexual.  In a similar manner, is it also possible to be both gay and feel lust, and at other times he asexual? 

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Earth and Moon

Hello, and welcome to AVEN!!

here’s some cake: 🍰

20110912-169325-rainbowcakespytop.jpg

 

1 hour ago, sunrayZY said:

is it also possible to be both gay and feel lust, and at other times he asexual? 

To answer your question, yes it is. You’ll have to look more into it, but there are many orientations in which you can identify as ace and another orientation.

Try looking at gray-ace, demi, abrosexual, and others!

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Aebt-Ætheling
1 hour ago, sunrayZY said:

Some of my friends who I haven't had the best sexual experiences with said I could be asexual.  I researched this a little.  I still masterbate at least 3/4 times a week occasionally more. I still love being cuddled up with a guy and being intimate. I just don't want him to touch me down below or take hours with the sex.

Just because people haven't had the best sexual experiences does not mean they are asexual, asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction or sexual desire. I am not saying you are not asexual, just that asexuality is different than whoever told you you might be asexual was thinking.

1 hour ago, sunrayZY said:

I also have a question. It's possible to be bi sexual.  In a similar manner, is it also possible to be both gay and feel lust, and at other times he asexual? 

There are two points to this question, 1) be gay and asexual and 2) feel lust and be asexual. 1) It is possible to be homoromantic and asexual so under that way yes it is possible to be gay and asexual. 2) Feeling lust is usually a sexual attraction/desire thing and since the definition of asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction/desire then it would seem to me those two things, feeling lust and asexuality, are opposites.

Like Earth and Moon said, you might want to look into one of the non-asexual sexual orientations that get grouped into asexuality at times.

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sunrayZY
1 hour ago, Earth and Moon said:

Hello, and welcome to AVEN!!

here’s some cake: 🍰

20110912-169325-rainbowcakespytop.jpg

 

To answer your question, yes it is. You’ll have to look more into it, but there are many orientations in which you can identify as ace and another orientation.

Try looking at gray-ace, demi, abrosexual, and others!

Thanks... I love cake.  However I'm now identifying as a semi grey allo demi poly liquid sexual and more confused than ever before 😂

 

What is the correct label for someone who is gay, sometimes enjoys sex, sometimes has little desire for it but still enjoys intimacy and closeness? 

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Invisible Man

Is it possible your addiction to porn is influencing how you feel about sex and making relationships more difficult for you? I feel like maybe it’s something to consider and try to avoid porn, at least for now.

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sunrayZY
34 minutes ago, Invisible Man said:

Is it possible your addiction to porn is influencing how you feel about sex and making relationships more difficult for you? I feel like maybe it’s something to consider and try to avoid porn, at least for now.

2 hours ago, Earth and Moon said:

 

Its something I've thought about. I've tried using porn and sex as ways of connecting myself to others when I've felt lonely, or not wanting to go out.  It's a vicious cycle.  For a gay man, not going hard, sending a d*** pic, it's a big thing. Failure to do either, and the other guy won't feel a spark.  

 

Sometimes I masturbate thinking about sex, other times it's more about power balance and intimacy.  Any porn I do watch, tends to be very short clips, or, something where there is intimacy and a connection between the 'actors'.  

 

I wish there was a forum like this for making friends, romantic connections etc in the UK. 

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Memento1
1 hour ago, sunrayZY said:

What is the correct label for someone who is gay, sometimes enjoys sex, sometimes has little desire for it but still enjoys intimacy and closeness? 

You don't have to fit a nice label to be perfectly okay the way you are.  I understand fitting a label garners a feeling of being validated and understood, but believe me there are tons of people who feel like you.  You are not alone, you are not broken, and your feeling are completely valid.  It can be incredibly hard to feel that without a label, so if you must, I would probably guess homoromantic gray-asexual (and you can change that at any time if it feels like it doesn't fit...many of us change labels over time).  Gray means not fully asexual but not as sexual as most people are.  It's a much wider umbrella term and we have less gatekeepers. ;) Having strong romantic feelings and masturbating are not disqualifying, in fact they're fairly normal.  Have you tried seeing a counselor?  There's nothing wrong with you, but they can usually help sort through these sort of feelings of invalidation, confusion, and loneliness.  You deserve to be listened to and validated.

 

I had a gay roommate for several years that wanted romance, wanted a boyfriend, but was not as sexual as most of the gay community, and struggled in relationships where partners always wanted more sex than he did.  It can feel like everyone is hypersexual, but that's because those that aren't tend to hide away, like you have.  It can be harder to find them, but don't give up.  You are NOT the only one.

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Acing It
2 hours ago, sunrayZY said:

What is the correct label for someone who is gay, sometimes enjoys sex, sometimes has little desire for it but still enjoys intimacy and closeness? 

erm... normal? 🙂 (not that anything else is not normal I hasten to add. Just don't worry about it, it sounds like you are gay and that's it. Not everyone has a need for or lust for sex all the time.)

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Lichley

Welcome! Well there’s difference between enjoying sex and sexual attraction. Let’s run through it.

 

Do you experience sexual attraction?

 

Not aesthetic, or sensual, or romantic, or platonic. Sexual attraction. Are people “hot” and “sexy” or are they “aesthetically pleasing” like an art piece?

 

If yes, then you’re sexual, probably with a low libido and likely to prefer masturbation as a personal preference.

 

If no then you may be asexual. Romantic attraction and sensual attraction are the desires to enjoy intimacy and closeness, so they don’t factor into the sexual side of things. Asexuals are capable of enjoying sex, and usually use the term sex-favourable asexuals to describe themselves.

 

carrotcake.jpg

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Asexual_Fujoshi

Welcome to Aven @sunrayZY (Kevin) ~!! Here's some cake to welcome you to the community,

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The purple words are helpful links :3 please click on them. 

 

SORRY:

I know it's a rant, so this may be unsolicited advice, hopefully it helps you out anyways.

 

TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA, MAY WANT TO LOOK INTO:

Types of Attraction

 

Myths/Misconceptions about Asexuality

 

Sexual Orientations (or lack thereof)

 

Asexual Spectrum

YOU MAY WANT TO FOCUS ON:

On 10/21/2019 at 7:47 AM, sunrayZY said:

I find sex with other people difficult. Sometimes it's been amazing, but, I struggle to get hard, I get bored.

On 10/21/2019 at 7:47 AM, sunrayZY said:

I still masterbate at least 3/4 times a week occasionally more. I still love being cuddled up with a guy and being intimate. I just don't want him to touch me down below or take hours with the sex. 

 

GREY-SEXUAL/ GREY-ACE, since you may get sexual feelings in specific circumstances.

DEMI-SEXUAL, since you may only get sexual feelings for someone AFTER a strong emotional bond is made.

AUTOCHORISSEXUAL, since you mentioned pleasuring yourself often. (This is an asexual who likes to masterbate by themselves)

LITHOSEXUAL, since you mentioned that you can feel sexual attraction, may not want it reciprocated.

PLACIOSEXUAL, since you may want to do sexual actions to others, but do not want it reciprocated.

 

RANDOM FUN FACT:

***Also even though you identify as gay, if you ever develop crushes/ squishes/feelings for a women it IS possible to only like them in a romantic and NOT in sexual manner*** It would be a case of being biromantic & homosexual***

On 10/21/2019 at 7:47 AM, sunrayZY said:

I fantasised about girls, then, when I was around 14/15 it seemed to change to men.  These days I identify as gay. 

AS FOR YOUR WISH:

"wish there was a forum like this for making friends, romantic connections etc in the UK."

 

Aven has MEET UP MART, Platonic meet ups with other aces, in different countries

 

AS FOR THIS QUESTION:

On 10/21/2019 at 7:49 AM, sunrayZY said:

I also have a question. It's possible to be bi sexual.  In a similar manner, is it also possible to be both gay and feel lust, and at other times he asexual? 

THE ANSWER IS YES~!! YOU CAN BE HOMOROMANTIC/HOMOSEXUAL, FEEL LUST & STILL BE ASEXUAL~!!

The asexual umbrella is WIDE, it encompasses a large amount of identities.ace_umbrella.png?fit=550,517&ssl=1

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SOME POSSIBLE LABELS YOU MAY LOOK INTO:

 

PUBLIC LABELS: A Homoromantic, Demisexual, Grey-Ace.

~> Meaning:

Experiences romantic feelings towards men. Experiences romantic feelings & sexual desires for someone only after an strong emotional connection. Has Interests/desire for/will do sexual activities.

 

PRIVATE LABELS: Autochorissexual

 

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WHO EXPERIENCES/ENJOYS: 

 

SEXUAL ATTRACTION - experiences the desire to do sexual things with someone. "Man, I wanna make them feel good sexually, or be on the receiving end of ther sexual care."

 

ROMANTIC ATTRACTION -experiences romantic feelings for someone. "I wish to spend time, date them, do couple things with them."

 

SENSUAL ATTRACTION - has the desire to do sensual things (NON-sexual skinship) with others. "I like cuddling, hugs, caressing a persons head, hand holding, possibly kisses."

 

AESTHETIC ATTRACTION -finding a person physically attractive & while not wanting to do anything romantic or sexual with them.

 

On 10/21/2019 at 9:54 AM, sunrayZY said:

What is the correct label for someone who is gay, sometimes enjoys sex, sometimes has little desire for it but still enjoys intimacy and closeness? 

On 10/21/2019 at 11:24 AM, sunrayZY said:

Any porn I do watch, tends to be very short clips, or, something where there is intimacy and a connection between the 'actors'.  

 

**None of us are allowed to give you a  "correct label" according to the rules of AVEN**

 

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MY EXPERIENCE:

On 10/21/2019 at 7:47 AM, sunrayZY said:

What's your experiences? 

INTRO:

I always knew I was different mentally when it came to sexual/attraction matters. Hard not to, when people described their feelings about things, and your answers would be "out of the box".

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CHILDHOOD:

As a young child I experienced squishes, I would find others cute, I didn't want to kiss them though, just get to know them better. I experienced the urge for sensual attraction ALL DAY-EVERY DAY. Probably due to my abandonment/ loneliness. (I didn't know the terms at the time).

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TEENS:

I'm a bookworm, so I read alot of genres, some "adult fiction" was included in there as well. As a VERY curious individual, when I got to a certain age that I considered old enough, I would experiment.

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At this point in time my last squish was in my childhood, I haven't had feelings for anyone. Still experienced the urge for sensual attraction, all day every day!

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I knew who I aesthetically considered attractive, I was drawn more to the masculine body so I considered myself straight. (I knew this term, and used it since I knew It described my feelings well) *💜🖤💜* I NEVER ONCE THOUGHT this person would be great to bang BECAUSE I HAVE SEXUAL FEELINGS TOWARDS THEM, I thought because I was drawn more so, to their appearance, automatically meant, as a "straight woman" I desired them sexually.

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Being aware that I was just curious, did not want to date as yet & didnt want a person frm school to be my experimental partner, since my schoolmates loved to brag & share their "graduation frm their v card/ latest lay", I chose the more dangerous option, someone I didn't know.

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One day when bored my friends didn't want to hang out, so I messaged a stranger, I was 16 at the time & they lived nearby so they wanted to meet (they were 21).

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TEENS- MY FIRST EXPERIENCE:

The person in question, was brown, and a guy so I'll call them "BG". He knew I had zero experience and was very excited to teach me what I didn't know. I made sure to ask the body health questions, informed him that I would be open to trying most things just not penetrative intercourse. No "lady bits" nor anal. He agreed to my terms no strings attached of course.

 

***THIS GETS GRAPHIC, DON'T READ IF IT'S NOT YOUR THING***

 

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When he went to kiss me, he could feel me trembling from nervousness, so he hugged me instead untill I calmed down. After checking on my state verbally and receiving the okay, he went in for the kiss. It was nice, it was soft, I liked it. He then went for a french kiss, it was more ticklish & hard to breathe since I was not accustomed to it. It was fun. He gave me neck kisses as well, which also made me continue dying of laughter. He then asked me if it's okay to touch my chest, I said yes. He asked to kiss three as well,and I agreed, it was ticklish & continued making me giggle. They asked how it made me feel,and I responded it tickled & I feel very motherly, like a baby was suckling on me. He asked if I had any sexual feelings from it & I said no. He then proceeded to show me what dry humping was, it was weird, not good not bad just weird. He did try to put his hand in my no no square, so I stopped himand said I didn't wish to be touched below my belt. He got, excited from the humping, and asked if I would give him a bj/hj, I agreed. He put my Hand on it, I felt it move so I,got surprised & removed my hand and stared at it. I poked it with my finger & stared at the peewee I heard spoken about. Ofc this guy was like...umm...could you not ...stare at me there....? please...😅😳 So I apologized, disappointed I couldn't continue my observations. I asked him to teach me how to give one. So I gave one with his directions & he was happy with the result, and if you're wondering yes I swallowed since I was curious, it didn't taste bad strangely. After that we got dressed and bid each other goodbye.

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Well that's not so bad right? 

 

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A year later I was beyond bored of the experiment, and been trying to cut him off, 🚩 he kept calling me down/texting to work things out. I have no idea how "I want nothing to do with you, I'm bored of this, find someone else" could be worked ot but okay. 

 

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So he managed to talk me into meeting up again. But my enthusiasm was long gone at this point. I was too lazy to give the attention he wanted and I didn't care. One time he tried to get me to be "excited" and broke the dont touch below my belt rule, he forcibly fingered me. He knew I didn't get excited sexually like he did but he was determined to try in order to save whatever we were. It was unpleasant, it felt okay - then nice, untill he spoke and said "your so w#t", my body & mind instantly cooled down. I removed his hand and said don't touch me, idiot!!🚩Nowadays he was always bugging me to have sex or do anal with some nonsense tht it didnt count. I obviously told him Oh Hell NO !! you're funny!  I told him I want to lose my v card to someone I actually like, instead of a stranger who was neither my friend nor someone I liked. During a meet up when I was very lazily giving a hj, he said I know a better way, I'll rub between ur cheeks, and I was like OH HELL NO I DONT TRUST YOU DOING THT!! 🚩He flipped me over and rubbed it between the booty..I relaxed when it didnt go further than that. 🚩I tried cutting him off again since I was getting a bad feeling from his actions. I blocked his calls & he literally found me on the app we used to talk on. 

♡♡♡

 

🚩🚩🚩THE FOLLOWING SCENES MAY BE DISTURBING 🚩🚩🚩RAPE🚩🚩🚩

 

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I was probably lonely one day, been ignoring his messages and my besties were too busy to hang out with me. Was craving skinship, so I picked  up my cell and responded in the app we met from, okay let's meet. 

♡♡♡

 

So we did the usual procedure, he didn't climax like he usually did, so he asked to rub between my cheeks, and I agreed. And yet still didn't work. At this point I was getting nervous & asked him hey, what are you thinking rn? While trying to move away from him while covering up. He didn't answer me, he just fondled himself with his hand, and stared at me quietly.

♡♡♡

 

🚩🚩BLARING RED ALARMS🚩🚩 were in my head at this point, clearly he isn't sound of mind in that moment. I got up to move away quickly, but he put his hand down on my back, I squirmed trying to escape frm his hand and he laid down on my back, he whispered in my ear not to feel nervous, and to relax. ME: BOY WHAT YOU MEAN REAX WHAT ARE YOU TRYINA DO ??!?!?!?!?!OIIIIIIII-!!! OIIII-!!!!Woa--he flipped me around facing him & trapped my arms between our tummies, a dear in the headlights was probably my facial expression then. I was trying to look him in the eyes, but he was avoiding mine. I asked him again, DID YOU FORGET OUR AGREEMENT?  DONT DO THIS OKAY? I'll give u a bj? How about it? Let's stop and think about this first..?

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*whoosh*up he flipped my dress, while I tried pulling it back down. Cursing my luck & realizing why he wanted me in a dress that day. He pressed his weight on me, and managed to free and arm to protect my spot for a bit, while trying to get him to snap out of it. He swatted my hand away that refused to budge, before taking it and trapping it between our times again in a bent at ththe elbows facing up position. At this point I realized this boy is gonna do this for real, I'm going to be the next statistic for teen mom...wait....I started SHOUTING HOOLLLLDDD UP IF YOUR GONNA DO THIS AT LEAST WEAR A CONDOM DAMMIT, IM NOT ON BIRTH CONTROL OIIIII-!!!!! NEITHER OF US WANTS KIDS!!! IM RELIGIOUS SO IM NOT GETTING AN ABORTION IF YOU KNOCK ME UP WHILE BEING A DUMBASSS!!!

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Sadly I was completely ignored. At this point I was curious what sex was like because it's about to happen anyways, maybe it wont be completely terrible. He pressed his battering ramp forward, only the tip made it pass the entrance but IT HURT SO BAD!! I was speechless, I couldnt talk. But, I could move my hands, and make whimpering sounds in my throat (think of the sound of a sad or hurt puppy). So I tapped his tummy while whimpering, with tears in my eyes, not sure if it was the feeling frm his peewee meeting my inside, but he woke up from the weird state he was in and locked eyes with me. I continued tapping his tummy and whimpering, at this point my speech came back so I also said it hurts! While staring at each other he pressed forward a little, and I continued tapping faster, whimpering & saying it hurts!! With tears because my body hates pain.

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He took a Deeeepp sigh. Looked down at our connection, then removed themselves from me. He started to fix his clouthes. So I immediately fixed my state of dress, so I was presentable, wiped away my tears, that have yet to fall for some reason. And then took a few moments to collected myself. The pain began to fade around now. Then I proceeded to yell at him that he was an IDIOTIC DUMBASS, WHO NOT ONLY DARED TO FORCE HIMSELF ON MY (17)MINOR ASS, WITH. OUT. MY. PER- MISSION. HE HAD THE AUDACITY TO RISK MY NORMAL LIFE AND THE FUTURE LIL ME'S ALL ON A DUMB MOMENT OF LUST ???!?!?!??!??!! THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??? NOT EVEN WEARING A CONDOM?? WHY DIDNT YOU WEAR ONE????? PROBABLY TRYING GIVE ME SOME WEIRD THING!!! FINISH GETTING DRESSED AND DRIVE ME HOME FOOL!!! Ugh I need to shower pronto *okay so my priorities are a bit strange* Then I messaged him tht my period skipped and ignored him (I'm highly irregular so I wasn't thaaaattt worried, tbh I just wanted my revenge. It worked, he asked too many questions so I just blocked him on that app & my cell..😱 HE TRACKED ME DOWN ON FB USING MY NUMBER...I was like wtfff?! How DARE you message me?! He wanted to "apologize, meet up again & wanted to know if I ended up getting knocked up". I told him I didn't and not to message me again.

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I did date, and later mess around with others some months later. I wasn't scared/traumatized of men, just annoyed & pissed at tht one guy. 

 

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I didn't really feel like "taking him to the cops" because I didnt really hate him? I dont know, I just found him stupid. but not hateful enough to ruin my life & his. While making a big deal of it & bringing him to the cops.

 

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Also, when you have a religious family sexual topics are taboo. Let alone the whole "summoned a stranger to do things with you".

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LATE TEENS-ADULT:

I did mess around a bit, since by now I heard if being asexual and thought it was so boring. DENIAL!!! In my mental checklist I didn't seem like I could be ace, but I grew to accept it some time later. 

 

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ADULT:

*learns more about asexuality* Happily ID's as asexual.

 

 

🖤💜🖤

Ask if you have any questions~!! ^~^

Have a good day/night AVEN-ITES~!!

Edited by Asexual_Fujoshi
Left something out.

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MichaelTannock

@sunrayZY A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

In my case, I've never had or desired sex.

 

Whether you're Asexual will depend on whether you experience Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex).

There are also other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.

There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic).

There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling.

There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them).

There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone.

And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Sunflower" cake (all edible),

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/182562-sunflower

l3o7adcozhpiou6figi6.jpg

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