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Klobreck

New here--have questions.

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Klobreck

So...I told someone years ago that I thought I might be asexual. It wasn't received very well, and I haven't mentioned it since to anyone, not that it matters, or mattered to me then. My friends know that I'm not interested in a relationship, but mostly it comes off as "men are just a pain in the ass". The thing is, a lot of my married friends think the same thing, and some feel that I am lucky to be single. I am really just turned off at the thought of having a sexual relationship with anyone. I was with a guy at one point, and if I would talk about our troubles, some would insist that we needed couple's therapy and not leave it alone, and I would just want to scream "You don't get it !!!--I have zero interest in couple's therapy--I'm not interested in fixing this !!!"

 

I worked in a medical clinic a while back, and a drug rep came in and said her company was coming out with 

a female version of Viagra, and asked us if anyone was interested. No one said a word. Until I did. Before you know it, most all of the women were expressing interest in the drug.  I seems like a lot of women are just not that into sex. (I don't know what ever happened with that drug).

 

With all of that said, I'm not sure why there are asexual pride parades. I mean like, who cares if I want sex or not? I don't need or care that other people know about my sexual preferences. I'm not lonely, I don't feel judged or ashamed for living my life any way I want to, and, to me, it's just not that big a deal. So, I guess I don't get it, and would really appreciate some clarification. (I am glad that I found this website).Thanks, in advance, and I sincerely hope that my post is not offensive--it's not meant to be.

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Laurann

Hi! Welcome to AVEN! :)

You sound aromantic too, so if you care enough, you could look into that word too :)  Of course it's still your decision whether you identify with that label, or any label at all for that matter.

 

4 hours ago, Klobreck said:

a drug rep came in and said her company was coming out with a female version of Viagra, and asked us if anyone was interested. No one said a word. Until I did. Before you know it, most all of the women were expressing interest in the drug.  I seems like a lot of women are just not that into sex.

Or maybe they were just embarrassed. That seems far more likely to be honest.

It's kind of a cultural myth that women aren't into sex. In actuality they're just less likely to express their interest, because it isn't as socially acceptable for them to do so as it is for men.

 

4 hours ago, Klobreck said:

I'm not sure why there are asexual pride parades. I mean like, who cares if I want sex or not? I don't need or care that other people know about my sexual preferences. I'm not lonely, I don't feel judged or ashamed for living my life any way I want to, and, to me, it's just not that big a deal.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that you are happy, but I do think it's important to recognize that not everyone has been as lucky as you have been.

 

Other aces are lonely, do get judged quite harshly, get told that they are frigid, unloving and unlovable, that there is something inherently wrong with them for not wanting sex (hormones, mental illness, etc), and to those aces, it is a big deal.

You've even got people trying to convert some of us into 'normal' sexual people by forcing unwanted sex on us, because they think we're just confused and they'll show us how awesome sex is.

You've got people who get prescribed pills in order to 'fix' their orientation.

There have even been stories of ace couples who were refused adoptions because they said they didn't want to reproduce themselves because of their asexuality.

 

Here's a research paper (pdf available for free) that looks at implicit bias towards asexuals. You might be surprised.

https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Intergroup-bias-toward-“Group-X”%3A-Evidence-of-and-Macinnis-Hodson/03e6a3e5bbd89620716c110381b3818dc6f4fad5

Full title: Intergroup bias toward “Group X”: Evidence of prejudice, dehumanization, avoidance, and discrimination against asexuals

 

Tiny extract from 'results' part of the paper: 

Our dehumanization results are particularly compelling. Asexuals (relative to heterosexuals) were dehumanized with regard to both dimensions (represented as animalistic, and particularly as machine-like), regardless of whether these assessments were based on traits (i.e., characteristics) or emotions (i.e., sensation capability). Generally speaking, asexual dehumanization was greater than that characterizing other sexual minorities, showcasing this bias as serious and extreme.
Sexuality appears to be perceived as a key component of humanness. The dehumanization measures employed did not explicitly reference sexuality, yet asexuals were strongly biased against on these measures.

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uhtred
9 hours ago, Klobreck said:

So...I told someone years ago that I thought I might be asexual. It wasn't received very well, and I haven't mentioned it since to anyone, not that it matters, or mattered to me then. My friends know that I'm not interested in a relationship, but mostly it comes off as "men are just a pain in the ass". The thing is, a lot of my married friends think the same thing, and some feel that I am lucky to be single. I am really just turned off at the thought of having a sexual relationship with anyone. I was with a guy at one point, and if I would talk about our troubles, some would insist that we needed couple's therapy and not leave it alone, and I would just want to scream "You don't get it !!!--I have zero interest in couple's therapy--I'm not interested in fixing this !!!"

 

I worked in a medical clinic a while back, and a drug rep came in and said her company was coming out with 

a female version of Viagra, and asked us if anyone was interested. No one said a word. Until I did. Before you know it, most all of the women were expressing interest in the drug.  I seems like a lot of women are just not that into sex. (I don't know what ever happened with that drug).

 

With all of that said, I'm not sure why there are asexual pride parades. I mean like, who cares if I want sex or not? I don't need or care that other people know about my sexual preferences. I'm not lonely, I don't feel judged or ashamed for living my life any way I want to, and, to me, it's just not that big a deal. So, I guess I don't get it, and would really appreciate some clarification. (I am glad that I found this website).Thanks, in advance, and I sincerely hope that my post is not offensive--it's not meant to be.

I think there are asexual pride parades to raise awareness that asexuality seems to be an orientation, like homosexuality, not something that is "wrong" and needs to be changed. I think public awareness of asexuality is a great thing - and will help reduce the misery that is caused by people not understanding it. 

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Memento1

You don't have to like pride parades.  Some people like them, some people don't.  For some it makes them feel validated.  If you already feel validated, or get validation another way, that's fine.  There's plenty of people like that.

 

As someone who is studying to become a couples counselor, I can say the point of couples counseling is not to FIX you to become sexual, it's to help the couple communicate better and connect on an emotional level (though some old-school therapists do mistakenly go the route of trying to increase the sex).  That doesn't have to mean staying together - it can mean breaking up but not being left with blame, guilt, and bitterness.

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Grimalkin

Actually, genuine question, are there asexual pride parades? As in, parades containing only asexual people? As it is, I barely see any (obviously) asexual people at my local pride parade. 

 

Either way, I think the shortest answer is that while it may not be a big deal to you or me, it's a big deal to some other people. They have felt lonely, they've been rejected based on their sexuality, they've been judged or shamed by people close to them. I've been fortunate never to experience most negative things associated to my sexuality, so my personal problems feel more like "sex life" problems than "sexuality" problems, but other people very much need the confidence boost and community support offered by LGBT+ groups. 

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Laurann
1 hour ago, Grimalkin said:

are there asexual pride parades? As in, parades containing only asexual people?

Nope.

Sometimes there is a group of aces with flags who walk in a gay parade, but that's about it.

There's zero ace presence at the Amsterdam canal parade either.

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Lichley

Welcome! Well there’s are asexuals who attend pride events. A fair few have a secondary romantic identity / gender that isn’t on the lgbt+ spec. The reason they do it is to raise awareness for those who need it.

 

You’ve been lucky enough to find it early, but a good look at the welcome lounge will show you the stories of people who haven’t has it as easy as you have. There’s countless stories of divorces, or people forcing themselves to have sex because that’s what they’re “meant to do” right?? There’s stories of partners pushing them for sex, and trying to guilt them for pleasure. Stories of people who’ve spent years desperately searching for answers they couldn’t find, because Asexuality is a recent concept there wasn’t even anything to find for the older generations.

 

Having pride in one’s identity, and the knowledge that there are others like you out there is a very important thing to a lot of people. Even if you don’ understand it, at least respect the people who put the work in to make it all happen. 

csc_8469.jpg

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Klobreck

This is all so interesting to me! Thank-you for your replies. The thing I wasn't clear on, is why people discuss their sexuality outside of their sex life or lack thereof. But, I see that people being questioned at the time of their efforts to engage in sex, would want others to know that asexuality is a thing. I was with a guy fir a kong time. I hated the sex. But he kind of accepted it and took care of things himself. He did talk to his Dr about it, and mentioned that to me. His Dr asked him why he was still with me. I didn't really care, so I think there wasn't even a loving relationship in the first place. He then injured his back and it wasn't an issue anymore. We aren't together anymore and I don't really care. I can see, though, that really loving someone and being asexual could really be a reason to want to tell the world that asexuality exists. That would be such an extremely sad situation to be experiencing. Really sad.

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fragglerock

I don't really have anything to add to the good discussion here, just wanted to say welcome and send some more welcome cake!

Here's an edible rainforest cake.

d27434b1e921e8fbaff65b564c75f169.jpg

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Klobreck

Thank-you for the cakes!...yummm....

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MichaelTannock

@Klobreck A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

In my case, I felt very lonely in my orientation, and still do to some extent.

So Asexual Pride means a lot to me.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's my favourite cake,

http://chocolateartcake.blogspot.com/

ZWughhv.jpg

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