Book discussion: "I Fell in Love with an Asexual..."

[Davida]

Has anyone (sexual or asexual) read "I Fell in Love with an Asexual: Recover from a Sexless Marriage Or Relationship with Someone Who Lacks Sexual Attraction & Reclaim Your Sexuality" by Dave Wheitner with Evan Ocean? 

 

https://books.google.com/books/about/I_Fell_in_Love_with_an_Asexual.html?id=vwyftAEACAAJ&source=kp_book_description

 

Let's discuss. 

[Hrist]

first time here. that's a book  i should read. i'm looking for answers after some frustrating years.

[SithLord]

Can't click the link because my work internet/computer, but holy crap I hate that title. Not only is the sub-title long and obnoxious, it sounds just horribly biased. I don't look on that title and think there will be much in the way of understanding and respect towards asexuals and asexuality. 

[Davida]

11 minutes ago, SithGirl said:

Can't click the link because my work internet/computer, but holy crap I hate that title. Not only is the sub-title long and obnoxious, it sounds just horribly biased. I don't look on that title and think there will be much in the way of understanding and respect towards asexuals and asexuality. 

@SithGirl, indeed. Note, I'm only halfway through, so I don't have the whole picture yet. Thus far, the author does present as someone who has done more self-improvement than the average person, and he does present the asexual perspective in an informative manner empathetically and without blaming or vilifying. But, as the title of the book suggests it ultimately is a guide for how to heal after you end your relationship. He does suggest things can work out in a asexual-sexual relationship, but does prioritize sexual expression for the sexual. (The book is biased in that he did choose to end his relationship.) I'm reading it because I want to better understand my husband's experience. I think the book is important in that the author is shedding light on things not often understood or discussed. The book could have used some editing - while the author is clearly a loving person, he sometimes errs on the side of self-importance. I think it would be interesting for this author to co-write a book with an asexual author to bring better balance. We need more literature on asexuality so that no one book becomes authoritative. This book would have been better marketed as a memoir and not a self-help book. So far, the only thing I found somewhat offensive is his suggestion that all medical and psychological issues should be ruled out before claiming asexuality. He's not wrong because there is a distinction between asexuality and sexual dysfunction. But, this is a slippery slope; NO ONE should have to undergo scrutiny before being allowed to claim their sexual identity. 

[SithLord]

4 minutes ago, Davida said:

So far, the only thing I found somewhat offensive is his suggestion that all medical and psychological issues should be ruled out before claiming asexuality. He's not wrong because there is a distinction between asexuality and sexual dysfunction. But, this is a slippery slope; NO ONE should have to undergo scrutiny before being allowed to claim their sexual identity. 

I agree. Such claims literally tell me to spend a crap ton of cash to get hormones checked, therapy, blood work done, etc. just to confirm that I indeed don't experience sexual attraction rather than am suffering from repressed trauma from my childhood or a hormone imbalance or side effects from drugs. It's horribly invalidating. "You can't be sure you're feeling what you're feeling until we have you tested. I don't have to be tested though. I'm normal. You're not."  

[Guest]

The person who wrote it was a user a few years ago. It is about recovery as a sexual after breaking up with an ace, if I recall. 

[anisotrophic]

Blah. This isn't making me want to read it... I've not generally found heterosexual cis men to hold views that resonate much with me. (Please don't read them as representative of all sexuals.) I suppose it might help understand a heterosexual cismale partner, though.

[Masterman]

I agree that the title doesn't sound particularly friendly towards aces.

[naturerhythms]

Thanks for your interest in the book, and thanks to those who have checked it out and provided thoughtful comments. For a while I was on this site more regularly, but other life demands currently limit my online time.

 

While old copies of the version noted above may still be available in some places, we discontinued it in early 2018. A few months after releasing the first edition, we made some changes based upon additional feedback. This included changing the subtitle, cover, and book description. I regretted some early book design decisions that did more harm than good, created confusion, and misrepresented the book's actual tone and intent.

 

The title of the 2nd edition, released February 2018, is I Fell in Love with an Asexual: Navigating Needs Without Blame When You Like Sex, Your Partner Doesn't, & Asexuality Is a Possibility.