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I think I'm Asexual...where do I go from here?

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Whelp

Hey all,

 

I'm a 24 year old female; I dated a man for four years, and we have now been married for two years. For the first three years we dated, we have sex regularly. Towards the end of third year, I started feel disgusted with myself directly after having intercourse which started the decline in our sexual relationship. Over the fourth year of dating, we rarely had sex but still had intimate moments, such as cuddling and kissing. I initiated thorough discussions prior to marriage to ensure that he was okay with the possibility of limited sex - which he agreed to. My partner has always been a sexual individual (his "love language" is physical touch), and we tend to follow a pattern of highs and lows as his feels mental distress as a result of limiting his sexual advances. 

 

As of now, I can confidently say that I am quite repulsed by the idea of sex. I also have no desire to kiss or cuddle, but I still like to hold hands. I feel quite anxious when there is a sexual or highly intimate advance, and I typically feel disheartened or like a disappointment when an innuendo is made.  he difference is sexuality is distressing for both of us, but we have been communicating and attempting to problem solve over the years. In the past, I used vibrators and porn as an outlet of stress release/masturbation, but recently have not been able to experience arousal. 

 

I have been on various anti-depressant medications over the years as I experience chronic depression, so I can't say for sure if these feels are or are not attributed to the depression or medications. My husband and I are both accepting of the idea that I am likely asexual and are still very much in love, but I am at a total lose of where to go from here. The cycle of feeling confident in my decision to call myself asexual then needing to problem solve with my husband as a result of his own mental/physical fatigue withholding feelings for my benefit is exhausting. 

 

Side note: He and I have a solid relationship; just because there is dysfunction occurring between our sexuality does not mean we don't get along or don't want to be together. He treats me extremely well and does not use lack of sexuality to make me feel guilty or inadequate. 

Edited by Whelp
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Snao van der Cone

Hello and welcome! :cake: It's good to hear that your relationship is so solid outside of sexual incompatibilities. I hope that continues as you explore ways to meet your partner's sexual needs within your limits.

 

In the first couple of years of the relationship, did you enjoy the sex in a similar way to your partner? Did it feel just as natural to you as it did to him? Were there some activities you were more on board with than others? Were there any changes in your life that coincided with the decline, like medication or job or health or other circumstances? These questions may help you examine whether the repulsion to sex has an external cause or if it was about asexuality and the last straw of how much you could keep doing.

 

In any case, there's no magical solution for couples, since it is a very very personal matter that has so many factors that just can't be understood by people outside of the relationship. There is a thread of success stories in the Asexual Relationships section of the forum that might have some examples. If you want to understand your partner better there is also the Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies section with their perspectives (though it sounds like you've been communicating really well, so you may already have a solid grasp of his side). I wish you luck in finding effective solutions. It's not always easy or simple, especially since what seems like it might work isn't always sustainable. It sounds like you have great intentions to make sure your partner is happy, though.

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Marlow1

Sex repulsion is not always an Asexual thing. Because you are saying this came on after a three year period of things being fine for you it sounds to me that this might be sexual repulsion rather than Asexuality. My wife has a form of this, not regarding our relationship but in regards to pornography and public sex etc. It was trauma that triggered the repulsion for her. We are in therapy, both of us together. Our therapist has not tried to desensitised her to the images, instead he has helped her to manage things to that she does not suffer so much with the anxiety and copes better when she does bump into it. She, like me, is following a Nutritional Protocol that not only helps with libido, it helps her with her anxiety and emotional health generally. My pasts posts explain some of this. Therapy has benefited both of us. My wife is the Sexual person in our relationship and I identify as Demisexual

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