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Could I be asexual or am I just “too picky”?


Cosettebiele

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Hello!😊

I’m new to this forum and I hope everyone is doing great!

 

I had been really in love only once in my life, with a very close friend, but it hadn’t really worked out because I had to move to another city.

After him, years just passed by and I was never interested in someone again because I just couldn’t feel any attraction to anyone I met (both emotional or physical).

I just thought it was normal not to experience any kind of attraction to someone if you don’t really know them and didn’t had a very strong bond, so I didn’t really worry about it because it was completely normal to me.


I started doubting that something could be wrong with me about three months ago, when my mum started asking me why I never had been in a relationship before ( for her it was just too strange that as a teen I didn’t seem really interested in having sex). When I simply told her I just wasn’t attracted to anyone (both emotionally and, by consequence, physically) I knew or met, she didn’t really get me and labeled me as prudish, over selective and too picky.

 Obviously I felt awful after that because even if she didn’t mean it, it wasn’t said with the intention to hurt me, she somehow made me think that something was wrong with me because I couldn’t feel anything for anyone at all.

 

i had some time ago what I used to perceive as a “crush”, but it was more me idealizing this person and loving the idea I had of him, more than a physical attraction.

 

I don’t have any problem with sex, I simply don’t care about it as much as many people do but I obviously would love being in a relationship with someone I care about.

 

Here comes my question: do you think that I’m just being too “picky” over people and that’s why I don’t feel any attraction to them or maybe I’m part of that asexual spectrum?

 

how did you discover you were asexual? What were the “signs” that made you realize that?

 

Thanks to everyone that will have the patience to respond!

Edited by Cosettebiele
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I honestly can't tell, given the current information, if you're only 

11 minutes ago, Cosettebiele said:

being too “picky” over people,

but judging by the point that you said that you 

 

11 minutes ago, Cosettebiele said:

idealiz[ed] this person and lov[ed] the idea I had of him [a person]

it seems that you aren't overly picky. 

So overall, you seem ace. Part of the way I knew that I was ace was when I realized that I did not really wish to have sex with anyone, not only not actively, but not at all. I also realized that I'd never felt the wish too have sex with anyone before, like celebrity crushes or the sort, although I used to think that I did. The best way to know if you're not "picky" would be to analyze the extent of your platonic relationships.

Also have some cake!:

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Don’t worry, many of us came here believing there was something wrong with us 😊

 

I can’t tell you if you’re asexual (or on the spectrum) or not, but based on what you shared above I can hazard a guess at an answer for your other question: you’re not being too picky. Being too picky, by definition, would be ruling people out based on certain qualities. You didn’t indicate you considered anyone’s qualities in the first place? Correct me if I’m wrong.

 

Good luck finding answers here or wherever your journey takes you 😊

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nutterwithasolderingiron

personally. i dont think there is such a thing as being "too picky" 

 

take it from someone who's been in enough bad relationships to know. we all have emotional wants/needs and if someone doesn't fit them, that's no one's fault. it's better than you trying to be someone you aint/trying to make someone something they aint. i mean look at me, i'm hardly a catch but i know what i want/need in a relationship. so i look for people who have those qualities. 

 

best tip i can give is just do what feels natural. dont rush it. 

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There's no such thing as "too picky" when it comes to relationships. A lot of people out there aren't picky enough.

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You just need a bond and aren't into casual dating or sex. Not a bad thing. I can only date people I develop from friends with cause it can take me a year or more to feel romantic feelings. I'm picky and I admit it. But, I don't mind, I don't need a relationship... but its nice when it happens. And now I am married so. *shrug* Just take your time and find the right person and don't worry about the fact you don't like casual. 

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@Cosettebiele I have only ever been attracted to one person and I am 64 years old now. I put this down to me having Total Aphantasia, I identify as Demisexual. I cannot stay online much longer, my battery is going flat but I explain more about this in two posts near the bottom of this page on this thread

 

 

 

 

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