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Topic on compromise (original post deleted)

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  • Poll closed on 10/25/19 at 01:04 AM

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Grimalkin

I think compromise is perfectly fine and viable so long as you discuss all expectations before going into the relationship.

 

I don't think anyone should be forced to have sex if they don't want to. However, if you enter into a relationship with an agreement to have sex a certain amount, and you renege on that, then I don't think your partner would be at fault for leaving your relationship. In much the same way that you expect a certain level of emotional commitment, if you've agreed upon sexual commitment as well, there's nothing wrong with it being part of the foundation of your relationship. 

 

Some people can't or won't do it; they're physically repulsed by sex, or they believe it flies in the face of proper "enthusiastic" consent/their personal morals. That's perfectly fine by me; it's up to the individual and what they're comfortable with. But for me, personally, I can compromise. I don't feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Even though I don't experience the same desire my partner does, I don't even really think of it like a duty; I just do it. It's fine. I use it to build a stronger relationship overall. 

 

But yeah, you really can't expect to enter a relationship with a sexual person and then be like "If you love me, sex is off the table." It doesn't work for them, just like sex doesn't work for you. So if you have that mindset, you need to find another asexual or a relationship that you pre-establish as asexual to begin with.  

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Tunhope

I'm still considering the 3 possibilities, but I'd like to respond because your question ( and your post) echo thoughts which are often on my mind. I'm the ace in a long term asexual/ sexual relationship. I compromised at first ( with feelings very like your own, I think) but then stopped doing so. I have often felt that I have acted with great selfishness and I am very very lucky that the relationship between my husband and myself had changed/ mellowed to a 

point where it could withstand my lack of compromise. 

The whole business of compromise intrigues me. I don't bring this up for self promotional purposes, but because it's relevant: I tried to discuss compromise in a short story called Scar Ghyll Levels. The two protagonists there ( both male) do compromise and as I wrote, I was thinking about how unselfish the asexual character was, compared to me. I do feel quite guilty in a sense. ( The e book will be free on Kindle later this week : my contribution to Ace Week)

Grimalkins comment has come in as I type.

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Iam9man

Very romantic asexual here. Despite IDing as sex-favourable I’m no great fan of sex (long story, explained elsewhere) but am happy to compromise when in a relationship. That being said, some things I’ll compromise on (e.g. frequency) others I will not (e.g. I’m repulsed by some sexual acts).

 

Do I think asexual partners “should” have to compromise? No, not specifically. There are compromises in all relationships, and it’s up to the people in the relationship to compromise if they feel comfortable doing so. Otherwise, no. I would not do something I’m repulsed by for love. I would do something I’m a bit uncomfortable with for love.

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Lisa Smith

Every relationship I've been in has been with a sexual and it's always fallen apart due to sex or the lack there of. I do it to make them happy, but it's evident I'm not into it as I don't initiate etc and it leads to bitterness. I don't think it's ever a good idea as it seems fine to begin with, but eventually you just end up resenting each other x

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Jade Cross

Do I think there should be sexual compromises? Personally, no. 

 

Taking into account my experience, or lack off I guess; compromises are a little like small chips in the paint. One or two will go by unnoticed. But keep chipping away at it and soon enough, you will have a whole different thing altogether.

 

Its not encouraging to hear, I know, but while I have not gone through the difficulties of one, Ive seen and heard so many cases already that repeat themselves to an almost identical pattern than I dont believe relationships should not be sought after.

 

That however is just my personal idea.

 

 

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Serran

Non-ace opinion:

 

No, asexuals do not have to compromise and shouldn't have sex unless they are actually happy to do it. However, just as with any incompatibility, it can be a deal breaker. Kids, no kids. Sex, no sex. Travel, no travel. These are all deal breakers to some people and not others. Just find someone who is OK with what you are willing/able to offer and everyone will be happier all around. 

 

 

 

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Nowhere Girl

If "sexual compromise" is "inevitable", than rest assured that I would rather remain single or even outright lonely all my life than have sex.

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Laurann

I don't see anything wrong with compromise for those who are willing to do it, but I don't think you can say someone 'should have to' compromise. That's their decision to make, and I don't think pressuring anyone into sex they ultimately don't want is a healthy thing to do. So my answer is no.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO COMPROMISE SEXUALLY IF THEY DO NOT ACTIVELY DESIRE THAT, END OF.

 

However

 

It's important that both partners are open about their needs and desires, and if the LACK of mutual compromise will cause one partner (or both partners) to become too unhappy in the relationship, then both should seriously consider breaking up and remaining friends or whatever.

 

But a compromise is never something you should feel backed into because your partner is too unhappy without it, and that goes BOTH ways. If the sexual ends up compromising by having no sex ever (to keep the ace happy) and they feel deeply unhappy and miserable about that, they should leave. If the asexual ends up compromising by having sex in the hopes of keeping the sexual happy, but ends up deeply unhappy because they really don't want the sex, they should leave. 

 

Really though, no one should ever feel 'backed into' having to have sex. I lived like that for 5 years and will never, ever frikken let that happen to me again Y_Y

 

 

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Memento1

I don't like the phrasing of the question.  It's not about having to, and I'm not sure what your definition of compromise is.  The word compromise implies to me that each side goes into it thinking there's only one path that leads to happiness.  Occasionally there's a route that both sides are happy with, that is perhaps not obvious.  Some couples are happy with open relationships, and that doesn't have to be a concession. Holding too firmly to the idea that there's only one possible path to happiness is a recipe for disappointment in life and in relationships.  I'm not saying people can't set up boundaries, but I think we get limited in our thinking and conflate things that don't have to go together.  It's more about ongoing communication than transactional deals.   I think sexual/asexual relationships usually require outside the box thinking.  Compromise is NOT "I give you something I dislike in exchange for something I like."  That's transaction.  It's also not "I give you something I dislike because I fear what will happen if I don't."  That's coercion.

 

I am having a hard time putting my thoughts into words on this.  There's way too much emphasis on selfishness, guilt, and blame.  Those meta-feelings are the causes of relationships falling apart more than the actual sex or lack of.

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Guest

Perfectly justifiable, if the compromising partner(s) consider it okay to compromise, without any feeling of unhappiness or resentment.

 

 

However, compromise should never be expected on any topic, least of all on the topic of sex. Your right to say no is absolute, and overrules any concerns the other person may have; if they don't like it, it can be safely assumed they know where the door is. It's their job to humbly accept that sex is off the table; if it hurts, they need to work on overcoming their feelings of entitlement.

 

Of course, the flip side of the coin is that your partner always and unconditionally has the right to say no to continuing the relationship, for any reason - including the reason that there won't be sex in it. It will then be your job to humbly accept that they're leaving you; if it hurts, you need to work on overcoming your feelings of entitlement.

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Cole's Username

To me, compromise is important in literally everything, and absolutely fundamental in a relationship. But compromise doesn't mean one person gives something up. I don't see "my asexual S.O. has to perform ____ act on me every ____ days" as compromise, that's just one person getting what they want. To me compromise would involve both partners being happy and giving something up in the process. If one person is entirely uncomfortable or upset by their end of the compromise, I don't believe it's a very good compromise.

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uhtred

Compromise is part of any healthy relationship - within limits.  It all depends on the level of compromise. 

 

Someone who is neutral about sex might be happy to have sex in order to make their partner happy, if their partner does things to make them happy.  That could be a health compromise if no one is being lied to.   OTOH, someone who hates sex but pretends to enjoy it as a "compromise" is causing harm to both: themselves because they are doing something they hate, and their partner because their partner is unknowingly harming the person that they love. 

 

I think it is much better to end a badly mismatched relationship than to try to find some forced compromise that will make one person and possibly both miserable.   OTOH if the mismatch is very minor, and the "compromise" is not unhappy for either, then that can be OK.

 

 

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anisotrophic

I don't think people should compromise on wanting to be loved for who they are, and our (a)sexualities are a deep part of ourselves. ❤️ 

If someone asexual feels pressure to have sex they don't want to have, it seems likely to me that they won't feel loved for being who they are – a person that doesn't want sex. And when someone sexual feels pressure to suppress their sexuality, they might not feel loved for that part of themselves – being a person that experiences sexual desire. It's a tough divide to bridge. As others note, parting ways might be the most loving choice to make in many/most cases.

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Purple Wanderer

The wording "should have to" is the killer. 

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blahblahblah123

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blahblahblah123

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Purple Wanderer

I take your point, but for me it for me was a bit of a closed question. No one should have to.

 

 

Q. Would I be willing to and why? 

 

A. Not again because it made me feel terrible, and uncomfortable

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Whore*of*Mensa
On 10/19/2019 at 11:10 PM, Memento1 said:

Compromise is NOT "I give you something I dislike in exchange for something I like."  That's transaction.  It's also not "I give you something I dislike because I fear what will happen if I don't."  That's coercion.

This is so true. 

 

And I feel the same; there's something really WRONG about this notion of compromise, but I just can't quite put it into words.

 

I guess, as a feminist, I see this whole transactional thing (this 'dialling up romantic aspects' in return for sex - this is the notion of 'compromise' which I see most often on this site) as fitting very firmly into traditional gender roles. Some examples:

 

Fairly recently, there was a whole thing about 'Steak and Blowjob day' as a backlash to 'Valentines Day' - Steak and BJ day was men's day to get sex without having to provide 'romance' (ie some flowers bought from the garage on the way home?)

Maybe 20/30 years ago, if a man bought you dinner, you would be expected to 'put out' in return

'When Harry met Sally?' - women pretend to enjoy sex for the benefit of men. 

 

Whenever I read on here about relationships involving compromise, I see these old tropes resurface. 

 

Didn't feminists fight for women to enjoy sex for themselves, not as something they have to give in return for dinner/marriage/security/a back rub??

 

And isn't the converse of that, the right NOT to have sex without enjoyment?

 

I struggle to fully articulate my thoughts here, but as someone who has had lots of sex to please others - I think I did this because of social pressure and I would like to see a world where this pressure no longer happens. No more compromise, from me...

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