Am I bellusromantic even if I want a relationship?

[Artistic__Miles]

While I fit the definition almost perfectly, there's one point that I'm not sure about. Bellusromantic is defined as having interest in traditionally romantic things (ie holding hands, cuddling) but not feeling romantic attraction and not wanting a romantic relationship. So if I want to be in a nonromantic relationship that still contains traditionally romantic things in it , is it considered inherently romantic by default bc it contains those typically romantic things or does the fact that its not a romantic partnership mean that it still remains within the bellusromantic domain?

[RakshaTheCat]

13 minutes ago, DistressedAro said:

(ie holding hands, cuddling)

Hmm, why are those things supposed to be reserved for romantic relationship though? I thought both of these things are just a way to show sympathy...

[Alawyn-Aebt]

11 minutes ago, DistressedAro said:

Bellusromantic is defined as having interest in traditionally romantic things (ie holding hands, cuddling) but not feeling romantic attraction and not wanting a romantic relationship.

I'm a little confused by the term, so one has an interest in romantic things but not feel romantic attraction? Or one has an interest in romantic things but not want a romantic relationship? If it is the first option (romantic interest-no attraction), then could you tell me how that could be, I am having a hard time separating those in my mind. If it is the second one, then could you tell me how this is different from romantics just not wanting a relationship (such as me)?

13 minutes ago, DistressedAro said:

So if I want to be in a nonromantic relationship that still contains traditionally romantic things in it , is it considered inherently romantic by default bc it contains those typically romantic things or does the fact that its not a romantic partnership mean that it still remains within the bellusromantic domain?

Romance can be hard to define and everyone has their own slightly different definition. What one person finds romantic many others might not. Generally if a relationship involves romantic things, regardless of how you define romance, then it is a romantic relationship. Just like if a relationship involves sexual things, regardless of how you define sexual, then it is a sexual relationship.

[Philip027]

Oh!  Oh!  So is this like the people who love fucking all the time but still call themselves asexual because they're still not "sexually attracted" to anybody?  :DDDDD

 

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Generally if a relationship involves romantic things, regardless of how you define romance, then it is a romantic relationship. Just like if a relationship involves sexual things, regardless of how you define sexual, then it is a sexual relationship.

Yeah that, pretty much, except I would also add that "romantic" is a lot more vague and open to interpretation than "sexual" is.

[Artistic__Miles]

10 minutes ago, Aebt-Ætheling said:

I'm a little confused by the term, so one has an interest in romantic things but not feel romantic attraction? Or one has an interest in romantic things but not want a romantic relationship? If it is the first option (romantic interest-no attraction), then could you tell me how that could be, I am having a hard time separating those in my mind. If it is the second one, then could you tell me how this is different from romantics just not wanting a relationship (such as me?)

Yes to the both the 1st and questions. For the first option I for example like cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and doing other things that are typically considered romantic, but I don't feel any actual romantic attraction. For the second option, I think the only difference btwn it and romantics that don't want a relationship is the fact that there is no attraction involved

[Lucinda]

I've never heard of that word before, but somehow managed to get by in life.

 

It sounds like you want to engage in stereotypically romantic gestures, even though you don't experience romantic attraction nor want to be in a romantic relationship.  The question that you need to ask yourself is:  What if the other person considered those gestures indicative that the two of you were in a romantic relationship?  What would your reaction be?  What is it about romantic relationships that you want to avoid?

 

Lucinda

 

 

[Artistic__Miles]

21 minutes ago, RakshaTheCat said:

Hmm, why are those things supposed to be reserved for romantic relationship though? I thought both of these things are just a way to show sympathy...

I'd agree, as I'm a tactical person and touch is how I show love and affection, but here in the US there is kinda a stigma against showing physical affection to someone who is not your partner, especially btwn men, and so this definition might stem from that

[Artistic__Miles]

5 minutes ago, Lucinda said:

I've never heard of that word before, but somehow managed to get by in life.

 

It sounds like you want to engage in stereotypically romantic gestures, even though you don't experience romantic attraction nor want to be in a romantic relationship.  The question that you need to ask yourself is:  What if the other person considered those gestures indicative that the two of you were in a romantic relationship?  What would your reaction be?  What is it about romantic relationships that you want to avoid?

 

Lucinda

 

 

I think the issue is that the term romantic relationship to me conveys a relationship that contains a lot of romantic gestures and a heavy focus on love, whereas what I want in a relationship is a domestic partnership (like people that have been roommates for years) that also contains sexual activities and tactial affection (such as cuddling and holding hands, both of which are considered romantic). I don't know how to distinguish that difference in a way that my girlfriend would understand though

[Lucinda]

Ok, is it correct to say that you don't want others (her family, your family, friends, and even each other) to see the two of you as a couple?  Just roommates, who happen to have sex (which is really no one else's business)?

 

Lucinda

[Artistic__Miles]

6 minutes ago, Lucinda said:

Ok, is it correct to say that you don't want others (her family, your family, friends, and even each other) to see the two of you as a couple?  Just roommates, who happen to have sex (which is really no one else's business)?

 

Lucinda

I mean I guess the best term may be queerplationic relationship bc there would still be platonic affection btwn us as I wouldn't start that kind of thing with a roommate unless we were friends. So while I don't want a closed and committed relationship per say, I still want some kind of bond 

[Philip027]

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I think the issue is that the term romantic relationship to me conveys a relationship that contains a lot of romantic gestures and a heavy focus on love, whereas what I want in a relationship is a domestic partnership (like people that have been roommates for years) that also contains sexual activities and tactial affection (such as cuddling and holding hands, both of which are considered romantic). I don't know how to distinguish that difference in a way that my girlfriend would understand though

Honestly, I'm not seeing a whole lot of difference either.  Romantic doesn't have to mean "constantly sappy and gooey and diabetic all the time", you know

[Lucinda]

So, if you don't want a closed and committed relationship, would you be open to her having a romantic and/or sexual relationship with others also?  Poly?

 

Lucinda

[Artistic__Miles]

1 minute ago, Lucinda said:

So, if you don't want a closed and committed relationship, would you be open to her having a romantic and/or sexual relationship with others also?  Poly?

 

Lucinda

While I don't have much interest myself in a poly relationship, I absolutely would be okay with her having a relationship with others

[Artistic__Miles]

6 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Honestly, I'm not seeing a whole lot of difference either.  Romantic doesn't have to mean "constantly sappy and gooey and diabetic all the time", you know

Yeah I know, I think the main difference is that I want something casual more casual and relaxed than a typical romantic relationship. Although, as someone else said, it's a bit hard to define romantic as everyone's views on it are slightly different

[Homer]

In other words, you like to express your feelings in a specific way... a way which might or might not be understood intuitively by others? It's probably best to stop worrying about whether some "label" or other fits your experience... as long as you and the other person are on the same page, you're good

[Lucinda]

As far as I am concerned, you have done a great job of verbalizing your thoughts.  I would think you would be able to explain your perspective to your girlfriend.  Her reaction is her bias.  Perhaps you two are on the same page?

 

Lucinda

[Artistic__Miles]

29 minutes ago, Lucinda said:

As far as I am concerned, you have done a great job of verbalizing your thoughts.  I would think you would be able to explain your perspective to your girlfriend.  Her reaction is her bias.  Perhaps you two are on the same page?

 

Lucinda

I thought about it for a while and I just talked to her and you're right, it went fine. I think I was over thinking it and worrying too much

[AceCase47]

On 10/19/2019 at 10:55 AM, DistressedAro said:

Yes to the both the 1st and questions. For the first option I for example like cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and doing other things that are typically considered romantic, but I don't feel any actual romantic attraction. For the second option, I think the only difference btwn it and romantics that don't want a relationship is the fact that there is no attraction involved

But here’s my question: how do you know that you don’t feel romantic attraction? Like I want a relationship that has the cuddling, holding hands, and specifically forehead kisses ❤️, but I have noticed that the romantic relationships I have had in the past I have felt uncomfortable doing these things??? Like maybe I’m Demiromantic cause I do these things with my friends more or less, and it’s all I want in a relationship? like all I want is the fluffy stuff but I can’t tell if that’s just how I am as a romantic or if I’m actually aromantic.

[Artistic__Miles]

1 hour ago, AceCase47 said:

But here’s my question: how do you know that you don’t feel romantic attraction? Like I want a relationship that has the cuddling, holding hands, and specifically forehead kisses ❤️, but I have noticed that the romantic relationships I have had in the past I have felt uncomfortable doing these things??? Like maybe I’m Demiromantic cause I do these things with my friends more or less, and it’s all I want in a relationship? like all I want is the fluffy stuff but I can’t tell if that’s just how I am as a romantic or if I’m actually aromantic.

I know I don't feel romantic attraction because I don't/didn't feel affection for my past romantic partners like I do for my friends. I love to be affectionate with my friends and to show them I care, but in a romantic setting it's just tiring and draining. It's like having to constantly pretend all day that I care about someone in a way I just don't and it annoys the hell out of me. Maybe what you want is a qpr, it's definitely what I want