Sandfire12 Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 Ok, hi! I've been struggling a fair bit lately with different types of attraction and was hoping to start a conversation, to maybe work things out a bit and meet new people while I'm at it! I've done some research and I know the various kinds of attraction, like aesthetic, romantic, platonic, sexual, sensual, alterous, etc. etc. I just really struggle with differentiating between them when I'm feeling them. There was a girl I really liked a couple years ago, and in the aftermath of that train-wreck I realised that it might have been alterous attraction. I knew I really, really liked her: I thought she was stunning, and so sweet and kind, and I really enjoyed being her friend. I never asked her out, even when I admitted my feelings to her. I was cool with the idea of dating her but I also just loved being her friend - simply being able to know someone like her. Having her in my life felt like enough. I haven't liked anyone like that again, until very recently (two years after my first "crush"). This girl and I went on a school trip together and I had no clue she existed before then. We exchanged about two sentences in the entire two and a half weeks, yet somehow I'm enamoured by her - but only by her face. I think she's absolutely gorgeous, and I was commenting the other day to my friend that if it wasn't creepy to sit and stare at someone for an hour, then I'd do it. They asked if I'd date her and my instant reply was, "of course not. I hardly know her, and after watching her interact with her friends on the trip, I don't think we'd get on very well anyways." They followed up by asking if I'd have sex with her and I admitted to kind of maybe getting just a little bit flustered when she wore that slightly-translucent shirt with the black bra under it. But I still don't think I'd have sex with her. It never crossed my mind what she'd look like under that very nice shirt until my friend asked me - up until that point I'd been admiring how she looked in it. I know it's dumb to try and build my identity around two experiences - I gotta get out, meet new people, see the world! But I'm just wondering if any of that is romantic attraction, or even sexual attraction? Is it possible to be so enamoured by someone simply because of aesthetic attraction? Confusion is a lovely feeling! And if you're confused about this kinda stuff too, feel free to share your stories. Maybe we can all work some of this crazy stuff out together! And if there's any way I can help or support you, let me know! Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 I've moved this thread from "Questions about Asexuality" to "Romantic and Aromantic Orientations". Michael Tannock, Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 I don't experience any types of attraction, so I differentiate them by what they seem to lead people to desire. Here are the definitions that I always give people; There's Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex). There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic). There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling. There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them). There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone. And more. I hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 @Sandfire12 I don’t experience sexual attraction but all my other forms of attraction (including alterous) seem to be “hyper” so I can definitely relate to what you shared 😊 One thing I’d say is don’t worry too much about differentiating between them. It’s fun, and helps you work stuff out, but ultimately attraction is way more complicated than a few words can possibly express. On 10/19/2019 at 10:46 AM, Sandfire12 said: I was cool with the idea of dating her but I also just loved being her friend - simply being able to know someone like her. Having her in my life felt like enough. Can sort of relate to this. Food for thought: I’ve classed similar scenarios in my case as romantic AND platonic, where as alterous I seem to experience as “find cute and would definitely date, but wouldn’t do stereotypically romantic stuff”. Not saying that’s what you’re feeling or what you should label it, just thought I’d share my perspective in case it helps you work this through. On 10/19/2019 at 10:46 AM, Sandfire12 said: I think she's absolutely gorgeous, and I was commenting the other day to my friend that if it wasn't creepy to sit and stare at someone for an hour, then I'd do it. So relate to this! In my case, I label this (hyper)aesthetic attraction. I don’t make a habit of staring, as much as my eyes want to! This may or may not lead to another form of attraction in my case. On 10/19/2019 at 10:46 AM, Sandfire12 said: They followed up by asking if I'd have sex with her and I admitted to kind of maybe getting just a little bit flustered when she wore that slightly-translucent shirt with the black bra under it. But I still don't think I'd have sex with her. It never crossed my mind what she'd look like under that very nice shirt until my friend asked me - up until that point I'd been admiring how she looked in it. Again, relate to this. This in and of itself made me think I experienced sexual attraction for years. I now choose to label this aesthetic attraction as in my case it doesn’t lead to the desire to have sex. On 10/19/2019 at 10:46 AM, Sandfire12 said: Is it possible to be so enamoured by someone simply because of aesthetic attraction? Absolutely possible to be infatuated with someone based on aesthetic attraction 👍 I guess technically “enamoured” comes from the same root as love, so to be enamoured would possibly require love or some form of attraction beyond aesthetic? 🤔 Link to post Share on other sites
Sandfire12 Posted October 21, 2019 Author Share Posted October 21, 2019 17 hours ago, MichaelTannock said: Here are the definitions that I always give people; There's Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex). There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic). There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling. There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them). There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone. And more. This was really helpful, thank you so much! Link to post Share on other sites
Sandfire12 Posted October 21, 2019 Author Share Posted October 21, 2019 11 hours ago, Iam9man said: Can sort of relate to this. Food for thought: I’ve classed similar scenarios in my case as romantic AND platonic, where as alterous I seem to experience as “find cute and would definitely date, but wouldn’t do stereotypically romantic stuff”. I'd never considered classifying it both romantic and platonic! My friends have always asserted that it always has to be one or the other. I quite like the idea of being able to say that it's both! 11 hours ago, Iam9man said: This in and of itself made me think I experienced sexual attraction for years. I now choose to label this aesthetic attraction as in my case it doesn’t lead to the desire to have sex. It does get very confusing - I often second-guess myself into thinking "well, what if I'm not asexual?". In fact, I think explaining to people when they question me about it is probably the most difficult part, actually. Aesthetic attraction sounds right, though. I've never felt the desire to have sex with someone, but I do really appreciate how they look, so.. yeah! Classifying it as aesthetic attraction feels right. 11 hours ago, Iam9man said: Absolutely possible to be infatuated with someone based on aesthetic attraction 👍 Thank you!! This is really good to know. I honestly thought I might be crazy, being so obsessed with someone I hardly know. Whoop 11 hours ago, Iam9man said: I guess technically “enamoured” comes from the same root as love, so to be enamoured would possibly require love or some form of attraction beyond aesthetic? Oh yeah, perhaps! I should probably use a different word in the future. Thanks for pointing that out! Thank you very much for taking the time to reply - this was all really helpful information! Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 4 hours ago, Sandfire12 said: It does get very confusing - I often second-guess myself into thinking "well, what if I'm not asexual?" Welcome to the club 😎 4 hours ago, Sandfire12 said: Thank you very much for taking the time to reply - this was all really helpful information! You’re most welcome 😊 If you have any further thoughts or questions as you work this through let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 5 hours ago, Sandfire12 said: This was really helpful, thank you so much! You're welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
Sandfire12 Posted October 25, 2019 Author Share Posted October 25, 2019 On 10/23/2019 at 1:28 AM, Sandra B said: I am a hyper-romantic and experience multiple attractions, just not sexual and also NOT platonic. I experience aesthetic attraction, romantic, spiritual, emotional, creative, intelligence, clothes attraction, some sensual attraction of the upper part of a guy's body. I don't experience crushes or squishes. As a hyper-romantic heteroromantic, who experiences multiple attractions, but not platonic, it means I get some type of attraction for my close asexual friends,which is annoying as they are just my friends, and most of them prefer guys - ha! They know what I am like and feel flattered and accept me for it. I am fiercely monogamous when in a relationship, but can't help some attraction to others, but it's less when I have a partner to concentrate my attractions on. Fin sign an asexual guy life partner though is super tough, as I also get attracted mostly to younger foreign guys in their 20s, and love my home in the UK. I don't like sex, marriage, or kids, and despite being a hyper-romantic, I enjoy living on my own so want a relationship where ideally the guy would live around the corner from me, not with me. I had a British boyfriend who was 23, but it didn't last long. He wasn't asexual and not the right guy for me. It's the first time I had a British boyfriend at all since 2011. That's so fascinating, thank you for sharing! I've never met someone who doesn't experience platonic attraction. It's so cool that you're able to distinguish between all those types of attraction - respect!! I hope to understand myself like that someday, heh Link to post Share on other sites
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