A question about asexuals

[kh00]

Hi! I have a question about asexuals. So my sister is asexual and aromantic. She does want kids some day and plans to adopt when she gets older. I am so happy with who she is and so glad she told me. I just have one concern that I was too afraid to ask her because I was afraid it might come out the wrong way and offend her. I always wondered if as she got older if she would be lonely. Not in a romantic or sexual way at all, but just companionship and just being around people. Of course when she has kids that won't be a problem but if they go away to school or even just when she's older and they've moved out.  Once they move out will she just live by herself for the rest of her life? Not that there's anything wrong with that but I was just wondering if asexuals struggle with that. She's such a loving and friendly person who likes to be around people. But everyone else grows up and lives with their significant other. She says she never pictures herself in a relationship, so I just don't know if living alone will be a problem for her. Does anyone have any insight on this? Thanks!!

[AceMissBehaving]

Some aroace people get into queer platonic relationships which are partnerships that don’t involve sex or romance, but are committed and can be long term.

 

Some people live alone but that’s how they prefer to live. I know of a couple of aromantic people who are older, mid 40’s early 50’s. One has a very active social life and spends a lot of time with friends, some single some not. The other is more introverted but still has a some close friends, spends a lot of time on their hobbies, and seeing their family. Both are happy and connected in ways that fit their needs.

 

Not having a romantic partner doesn’t mean being lonely, and there are a lot of ways people can connect with others if that’s something they want out of life.

[Firefly8]

I have friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, roommate, random people I meet, and my cat. I'm an introvert, so this is plenty in my life to keep me company. I'd actually bet that I interact with more people as a single person than I would with a partner. Less "intimately", but not less meaningfully in my mind.

[Zagadka]

It is really hard to predict where you'll be in several years. I try not to worry about where I'll be when I get that much older, because there is just so much that will probably happen. A lot of us do worry about being alone later in life, though. Meeting other adults is hard. But if your sister will have family and adopted kids, i wouldn't worry.

[ShyFeather]

Not wanting a significant other doesn't automatically mean someone will be lonely, but that also doesn't mean that it isn't something aces worry about. It depends on what your sister's needs are for companionship. As said before, there are many possible relationships outside of romantic and sexual ones.

 

There are some things I've commonly heard aces worry about. Some aces worry about being rejected or socially distanced due to their sexuality and/or romantic orientation. Since we don't follow society's formula of "get married > have kids > grow old together", there's a lot of uncertainty about what the future will look like and if society has the structure or safety nets that allosexuals have (for example, I have to plan for retirement assuming there will be no one to care for me so it's all up to me). On the flip side, it is nice to have freedom in forging a future that is best for you.

 

For aro/aces specifically, something that commonly happens is that their friends will get into a romantic relationship and they will feel their friendship drifting away. It can feel like your friend (or even society) doesn't value you when they are giving more priority to their romantic relationships than their platonic ones.

 

For your sister, if she's planning to adopt as a single parent she may end up having more problems with that than a married couple. Adoption agencies tend to be more suspicious of single people adopting, especially men. So she may have more hurdles just for being single. Also, depends where you live. Every place is different (and some countries will only adopt to married couple).

 

That said, I think these are more likely for aces but not exclusive to them. For instance, my sister is straight, but she also worries about not finding someone and being alone, as well as being rejected for being a single mom. Really, it's going to be different for everyone. I would ask your sister about it and just be clear that you don't believe she will be alone because she's aro/ace, just that you are concerned she may feel this way. You never know, she may need someone to talk to about this but has been afraid to say anything.

[Grimalkin]

The above has been very positive and encouraging, and hopefully your sister will experience a good support network in her old age. 

 

However, you've hit the nail on the head. Some aces are very afraid of being alone in the old age. In a society that prizes romantic partnering over platonic, if can be hard to find a friend that stays devoted, and hard to find a queer platonic relationship. It's definitely a concern. 

 

Hopefully your sister will foster strong friendships and familial bonds in her life so she's not alone in later years. 

[Visenya]

I can see why you're concerned, and as someone who's probably not going to get married and have kids, this worries me a lot as well.

 

2 hours ago, kh00 said:

Of course when she has kids that won't be a problem but if they go away to school or even just when she's older and they've moved out.  Once they move out will she just live by herself for the rest of her life? Not that there's anything wrong with that but I was just wondering if asexuals struggle with that.

A lot of people are kind of forced to do this, tbh. Women tend to live longer than men and marry someone a bit older than them, so they tend to live alone in old age (although their kids and grandkids sometimes visit them). Besides, a lot of people get divorced in their 40s or later. In my opinion and experience, you're much more likely to end up living alone if you don't have kids than if you don't get married. This is why I sometimes question my decision to not have kids, but I don't feel quite comfortable having a kid just for that reason alone.

 

Besides, some people tend to seek new friends and/or reach out to old ones when their kids move out. Where I live, there are a lot of events aimed at an older audience (book clubs, sewing and handicraft courses, etc), which tend to have a lot of people (mostly women) over 40~50 who want to socialize. And if your sister has a kid, it will be much easier to bond with other women, since she'll have a least one big thing in common with them.

 

Of course, anything can happen and nothing is guaranteed in life. Maybe your sister won't mind living alone and going to a good nursing home (I don't know if that's exactly how it's called) when she's much older. At least that's what the childfree people I know plan on doing.

[mistyyy_dayyy]

Ok it's not exactly the same, but my mom is single and loves it! She says it gives her more freedom to travel and do what she wants while still being close with her friends. As long as shes comfortable with being independent, it'll all work out