Davida Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 Are you uncomfortable being the object of sexual desire (in a relationship, within a social circle, in casual interactions, etc.)? If so, what is that like for you? If it doesn't make you uncomfortable, what's that like? How readily do you notice being the object of desire? Did the desire-er or some other observer have to explain it to you? If you realized it yourself, what signals made it evident? Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 32 minutes ago, Davida said: Are you uncomfortable being the object of sexual desire (in a relationship, within a social circle, in casual interactions, etc.)? Very much. 32 minutes ago, Davida said: If so, what is that like for you? A combination of gross, creepy, and confusing... pretty much the same as anyone who has experienced unwanted advances. 32 minutes ago, Davida said: How readily do you notice being the object of desire? Well aside from randos on the street there are of course the folks who I actually am familiar with who are actively pursuing me for some amount of time. Each time it has always seen pretty sudden like I won't be aware of it at all then they'll approach me and say something wild. 32 minutes ago, Davida said: Did the desire-er or some other observer have to explain it to you? I think in the process of courtship these things are usually expressed over time. 32 minutes ago, Davida said: If you realized it yourself, what signals made it evident? The elevator eyes, comments about how I look, getting in my personal space for no reason, and of course eventually being asked out on a date. Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 I just hate being the object of desire, just hate it. That's it. I hate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Duke Memphis Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 It makes me uncomfortable. I like to be liked, but I'm not a fan of people lusting after me. Link to post Share on other sites
sofircecy Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 Agh yes I hate this. Being sexualized by others always catches me off guard because it's just not something my brain does???? Link to post Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 Kinda gross, but mostly because it made me realize that people are nice to strangers only if they find them hot and want to `bang` them... On the other hand, it's interesting to be object of desire to myself. I don't want to have sex with myself, but I do enjoy doing many kinky things to my body and it always gives me many warm feels and I guess love 😺 Link to post Share on other sites
Madelise Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 2 hours ago, Davida said: Are you uncomfortable being the object of sexual desire (in a relationship, within a social circle, in casual interactions, etc.)? If so, what is that like for you? Did the desire-er or some other observer have to explain it to you? Yes, most definitely! From what I can remember, the only person that showed having that sort of desire towards me was one of the guys I dated. It freaked me out. I didn't even know he felt that way towards me until he told me after a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Grimalkin Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 To be honest, I kind of like it. It makes me feel pretty. Of course, being the object of desire in a relationship with a sexual often means sex is imminent, but what can you do. Besides, you know, not be in a relationship with a sexual person. Whaaatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Internetlionboy Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 I like it but I'd prefer if it's only from my bf but I don't mind if it's from anyone else. It just makes me happy and I feel good looking as well Link to post Share on other sites
Chris Zulas Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 im a fat AMAB but ive had people like me for my personality i guess, a couple or a few were into me romantically. before i knew i was panromantic that was weird. id def be uncomfy w being someones lust object Link to post Share on other sites
ColeHW34 Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 I typically tell people to "back off !" or "Get lost!" out of defensiveness if they want to be any more than a friend. That and I personally hate being the center of attention of anyone regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
N8ty L3asT Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 It depends on how aggressive the person is, this guy that works at the 7-Eleven always gives me awkward and weird compliments like “ wow you can hold two soda cans with one hand, big hands are nice. “ I signed up for a rewards card thing their and I didn’t think ahead but the first time I used the card that guy was working and does the scany thing and looks at his screen then looks at me and says “ Nice. Now I know you’re name.” That one creeped me out really bad 😅 Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 @N8mareOn3LM STREET Ew. I've noticed people generally leave me alone unless they're drunk or at a safe distance. I don't go out places where I have to deal with unwanted attention from people very often, though. I don't like bars or clubs. I stopped going to WalMart alone after this man much older than I am who worked there asked if I was texting him on my phone and came up and put his hand on my arm. The women who have been attracted to me have been pretty physically aggressive about it. Like purposefully walking into me. I mean, I think people can also do that just to be rude but the one said to me that she liked watching my face. Which made me laugh nervously, because that seems to be my only response to that kind of attention. This was at school/work. I think women can get away with more in those kinds of settings? Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 It scares me, because not only do I not know whether they're gonna turn violent, but I'm also trans, which just makes that even more likely. It especially upsets me to be seen as the wrong gender so if someone's particularly pushy (like yesterday), it'll completely ruin my day as well. Not only that but I'm mecha; I have no idea why anyone is attracted to any human, let alone me. Link to post Share on other sites
kenny. Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 i’m very wary of that, so i usually catch on pretty quickly, whether it’s an actual issue or i’m just worried over nonexistent interest. but i really do feel a lot of discomfort when i’m an object of interest. it’s happened a lot with people who i had considered to be just friends, cause of course that’s how i think as an aro ace, but also with random people at stores, my college, and at work, you know... most of the time it comes off pretty creepy since i keep my life and feelings very private, people tend to get really nosy and very intentional about the demanding questions they ask (questions probably beyond most people’s comfort zone). maybe that’s why i try to spend as much time alone as possible haha 😅 Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 @N8mareOn3LM STREET and @Moony Lovegood As an aro/ace person i get very uncomfortable when strangers or someone i know have a crush or have sexual desires about me. I especially hate it when they’re aggressive about it and that’s the main reason why i never go out in the city at night. I only go to a bar if i am with a group of friends i can trust in or my family. I hate nightclubs especially because there’s alot of drunk people, too loud music and too many people. I live on the countryside so there’s nothing really serious crime happening there. Which makes me comfortable. Cause i’m a very anxious person. Link to post Share on other sites
WanderingKate Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 For me there is a separation....I like the *idea* of being attractive, and people finding me pretty...but I don't like people actually expressing their attraction or openly desiring me. I think in my head I imagine the attention would feel nice and I think most of us have that desire to be noticed deep down. But every time in real life when I've noticed someone flirting and openly attracted to me I get extremely uncomfortable. I remember one specific situation a year ago, I was at a bar and got weirdly jealous that this attractive guy was flirting with my friend, but then when I was approached by an also attractive and respectful guy, I immediately was bored and uncomfortable and left the situation as soon as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Davida Posted October 19, 2019 Author Share Posted October 19, 2019 1 hour ago, WanderingKate said: ^^I hit "quote" unintentionally and don't see a way to delete the quote box on my phone. Sorry! Now, I don't know if it's idealistic, but I want my attractiveness to be a product of my friendliness and good will. People who are attracted to me non-sexually (I think non-sexually...) say I'm loving, attentive, and authentic. In the past I was usually oblivious to being desired. I missed the signals and a few times unwittingly induced jealousy in friends' partners. After this happened too often, to preempt it in the future, I made an effort to be more aware of boundaries within my expressions of friendship so that my intentions would be less likely to be misconstrued, and always made the effort to also befriend friends' partners. I do like to present as cute/pretty because it pleases me. Now that I've trained myself to be aware of sexually desirous signals from others (apart from my husband with whom I'm still trying to work things out), I try to shut that down as quickly as possible in as neutral a way as I can. I am aware of my own "sexiness" only to a certain extent. I've learned to ask my husband if something I'm wearing is too tight or short for such-and-such occasion, and he answers me honestly. The other day he told me I was sexy, and I replied "you're the only one who thinks that". He was surprised and told me that no, anyone could see that. I just have to take his word for it. (I suppose sexual people equally are often the last people to be aware of their own sex-appeal.) I am troubled by my husband's sexual attraction to me. I've only recently accepted that no matter how much therapy I do, my sexual orientation is not going to metamorphose. I have not come out to him as ace, but have expressed how I feel within that vein. Our therapist seems to think that as we work on emotional issues, sexual intimacy will emerge. I plan to send him some literature on asexuality to ponder. I understand that when my husband experiences sexual attraction for me, that for him it's connected with love. For me, it feels foreign. It's like the real me is trapped on this sexual planet in this body that does not happen to respond to sexual advances favorably. So when my husband treats my body as a sexual object (for him, this is an expression of love for me), it's like he may as well be making sweet love to my car or bicycle (other vehicles). But unlike a car, the body has a nervous system which is the physical source of my sensory experience, and for whatever reason this nervous system is not responding sexually and therefore feels stressed. Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 I don't know; it's a foreign experience for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Nylocke Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 I don't know to say that I've been objectified at any point because not only am I often times socially out to lunch but I dress in a fairly gender neutral manner so I didn't have anyone say anything to me directly. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 Absolutely uncomfortable. I don't want any sex with my participation to ever happen, so the idea that someone could be imagining it would feel extremely uncomfortable. However, I'm also definitely an unattractive person, so I only need to deal with unwanted sexual interest very rarely. I'm not sure how easily I would have noticed it if it was less obvious, the guy who was trying to convince me just proposed it and a drunk girl grabbed me by the boobs when I was just trying to do a childish dance with her... Link to post Share on other sites
tunasupreme Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 Same. It is a negative thing for me. Even the idea of this sort of attention just feels WRONG to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Yuliyasa Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 There were times in my life in the past especially when I was completely unaware of it; nowadays, after I feel like I have become a whole lot more intuitive I just can't stand it. I find it to be disgusting. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel that way in fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 On 10/19/2019 at 2:14 AM, Davida said: Are you uncomfortable being the object of sexual desire (in a relationship, within a social circle, in casual interactions, etc.)? If so, what is that like for you? If it doesn't make you uncomfortable, what's that like? How readily do you notice being the object of desire? Did the desire-er or some other observer have to explain it to you? If you realized it yourself, what signals made it evident? Pretty much never happens, as far as I can tell... and I'm grateful it doesn't. The thought is scary and a bit nauseating. Link to post Share on other sites
fooledbysecrecy Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 i know of a few guys that have been interested in me and it was always uncomfortable, even more so after i realised i was asexual and other people actually feel more than just some sort of platonic longing so yeah that's a big yikes from me. normally i don't even notice the whole thing so i'd just hear about it from someone and then sort of slot the puzzle pieces together regarding their behaviour etc. and then do my best to avoid the person.😅 i don't think i'd be as freaked out if it was a woman interested in me? but who knows that hasn't happened yet. (anyway i find it weird anyone would as i'm unattractive by any standards and boring as hell. but then again b*ris j*hnson has lovers so anything is possible i guess.🤷♀️) Link to post Share on other sites
GlamRocker Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 It is worrying for me. I guess that IS a form of "uncomfortable" but I don't feel like I'm uncomfortable, just worried about what this means for the other person. They don't know I'm totally unable to reciprocate the kind of feelings they're having. I mean, I have feelings I consider relatable to what they feel... aesthetic attraction. But there's a still a big disconnect there and when people start showing me feelings they may have of this nature, I immediately start easing them down. Usually with deflective comedy, attempting quite hard to show them that I'm not going to be able to give them what they're looking for, but in the most loving way possible. I try to make sure they know that I'm flattered and I respect where they're coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
Laplace Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 It hasn’t been uncomfortable cause I don’t really notice it until someone points it out. People weren’t really very forward about their interest in me, and I just felt kinda bad about either not feeling the same way or not taking their interest seriously (I’d think someone was exaggerating or clowning around if they said someone liked me). I don’t really care if someone fantasizes about me, but it’ll make me feel bad if I can’t return those feelings. I’d actually rather know if someone does think of me that way so I don’t accidentally push them away with my oblivious personality. Maybe clear the air or something too. Link to post Share on other sites
kiaroskuro Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 I used to think that this is something I don't easily notice, but I guess that's because I didn't want to notice it. Unwanted attention from guys - and if it's sexual, it's always unwanted - nauseates me. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 I don't notice or is aware as being an object of sexual desire myself, I can only assume that is what the BF is to me in some form. Link to post Share on other sites
Fraggle Underdark Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 I'm male so it seems like sexual attraction is more respectful when directed my way, what with some people thinking of female people as lesser or even being turned on by that. And male people are rarely seen as sex objects. So that difference is definitely shading my reaction. My reaction is kind of flattered but I'm irritated if they fantasize about me reciprocating and actually think I would or might. People sometimes think I just don't show my attractions or "need a push". If they truly understood I wasn't interested (which is no insult to them) and that it was just an idle fantasy then whatever I guess. If it's someone I have attraction for (one person so far) then it's a warm fuzzy feeling of received affection. Link to post Share on other sites
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